We’ve all wondered. And now we know.
Rest in peace, kitty meow meow.
We’ve all wondered. And now we know.
Rest in peace, kitty meow meow.
According to sources close to local egalitarian-feminist Jane Stein, the activist for women’s rights had penned a scathing rebuttal of complementarianism Friday morning, but failed to send it to Desiring God after she found herself unable to click the website’s “Submit” button.
“I just started breaking out in a cold sweat when I saw the S-word emblazoned there on my screen, micro-aggressing me,” Stein wrote on her Tumblr account after the incident, sandwiched in between a repost of a popular feminist webcomic and a long rant about a man who had complimented her eyebrows that morning.
“Ugh. Patriarchy is everywhere,” her Tumblr post went on. “It shouldn’t be radical ideology for me to ask that the entire world be a safe space from triggering words like ‘S—-t.’”
At publishing time, The Huffington Post had apologized for the “offensive wording” on its “Submit an Article” page, and fixed the issue by cleansing its entire website of the triggering language.
Did you know that the latest generation to arrive on the planet, Generation Null, is comprised of an astonishing 95% of babies who don’t do any of the housework or help around the house in any way???? Appalling…
Droht der Welt die faulste Generation aller Zeiten? Laut einer internationalen Studie anerkannter Soziologen der Princeton-Universität in den USA beteiligen sich Neugeborene der letzten zwei Jahre kaum bis gar nicht im elterlichen Haushalt.
“Es ist erschreckend – aber man muss den ab 2014 geborenen Menschen im Bereich häusliche Mithilfe ein vernichtendes Zeugnis ausstellen”, erklärt Studienleiter Howard Whittaker, der Kinder aus 32 Ländern untersuchte, darunter die USA, Kanada sowie mehrere europäische Länder wie Frankreich, die Niederlande und Deutschland. “Selbst zur Erledigung babyleichter Pflichten wie der Hilfe in der Küche, dem Aufräumen des eigenen Zimmers oder dem Entsorgen von Müll zeigt sich die neueste Generation länderübergreifend nicht mehr bereit.”
Die Gründe dafür haben die Wissenschaftler noch nicht hinreichend erforscht. “Problematisch ist, dass die meisten Betroffenen die Gründe für ihre Untätigkeit nicht artikulieren wollen”, so Whittaker. “Wir stehen vor einem Rätsel. Selbst finanzielle Anreize scheinen nicht zu greifen.”
Local Pentecostal Amy Denton is reportedly tired of clarifying that she is not “one of those weird Charismatics” any time someone finds out she is Pentecostal, sources close to her confirmed Wednesday.
Whenever Denton has a conversation with a Christian from a different background, she immediately must clarify that she does not participate in snake handling, ribbon dancing, Spirit slayings, holy laughter, or any of the other bizarre rituals that have characterized much of the extremes of the Charismatic movement.
“I don’t even own a shofar,” an exasperated Denton recently told a Reformed sister in Christ who had asked her about all the “strange fire” that goes on in her church. “We just believe that all the gifts of the Spirit mentioned in the New Testament are active and available today.”
Denton also went on record to state that she does not watch the Trinity Broadcasting Network and further believes that prominent faith healers and prosperity preachers like Creflo Dollar, Kenneth Copeland, and Benny Hinn are false teachers.
At publishing time, Denton admitted that she does raise her hands during worship time.
Come on, man. They’re all weird.
Popular Reformed blogger James K. Earle published a scathing critique of the book of Psalms Monday, slamming the collection of ancient, inspired songs for their emotional nature and tendency to repeat refrains, “often more than once.”
Earle’s post reportedly contained a detailed breakdown of all the times the Psalms mentioned “distracting” emotions like discouragement, sorrow, loneliness, and joy.
“They just don’t seem very God-centered to me,” the blogger wrote. “They really ought to use more big theological words, like 19th century hymns do. That seems a lot more biblical to me.”
Earle also argued that the Psalms frequently repeated phrases, stating that made them “no better than modern worship trash.”
“Just take a look at Psalm 136: the song says ‘His love endures forever’ twenty-five times. Talk about vain repetition!” Earle wrote, adding that he was also uncomfortable with the Psalms’ obsession with God’s love rather than focusing on His wrath and anger.
Witnesses say that just before he was seen to fly skyward without a rocket pack, he spread out his arms, and then up he went, shouting ‘buy my giant book which is very much like all my other less giant books or the wrath of God will descend onto your unrighteous heads… sinners…’
Witness stories diverge at this point but many swear that as he disappeared out of sight through a giant hole in the ceiling created by the hurling of his new book through it that he was received either by Chuck Norris or Ryan Seacrest.
He promised to return. Oh that we will all still be alive when he does… Meanwhile, many will come in his name, proclaiming his gospel and urging souls to follow Tom’s teachings (also known as TT). If you want to get to heaven, and spend eternity with Tom, you have to embrace TT.
In an effort to increase security and reduce costs of surveillance, the city of Lancaster has voted to remove all security cameras and replace them with nosy Mennonite ladies.
“Basically they’ll just do what they already do,” said Lancaster spokesperson Susanna Yoder. “Peer out their windows, watch what’s happening, and tell all their friends at the quilting bee. Eventually it’ll get around to us.”
Yoder says that Mennonite ladies are renowned as a reliable source of information throughout Pennsylvania.
“They always seem to know what’s going on,” said Yoder. “If something’s happening that shouldn’t be happening, they’re bound to take note of it.”
The new measure is estimated to save the state more than $5 billion in security costs, although those savings will be slightly dampened by the increased cost in knitting needles.
“You get three names for a knitting needle. Ten names for two,” said Yoder. “These Mennonite ladies drive a hard bargain, but it’s still cheaper than hiring some dude to watch surveillance tape all day.”
That’ll get the job done.
Local pastor Fr. Ron Porter was forced to stop midway through his homily Sunday morning to passive-aggressively attempt to quiet an unruly toddler.
Porter reportedly stopped several times during the course of his homily before finally telling his parishioners that perhaps “the little one in the back” wanted to go right ahead and finish his homily for him.
“It’s not like I didn’t spend a lot of time on it or anything,” Porter said before chuckling a bit. “You priests out there in the pews know what I mean, right? I’m joking, of course. Cute kid. I wonder what seminary he studied at.”
Parishioner Angelica Wall told EOTT that Porter also went on to suggest that they consider building a cry room, although the parish already has one.
“It actually kinda got weird,” Wall said. “He wasn’t able to get back on track for the rest of the Mass so it’s like he just didn’t wanna let it go. At one point he messed up the words of consecration and jokingly asked if the toddler wanted to come up to the altar to say them for him.”
With appreciation to the BBC for putting it together, along with others not here included:
Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely no clue that ashes used during Ash Wednesday Masses came from cremated pets. The parish ignoramus, who up until last week didn’t even know that Catholics worship Mary, thought that ashes actually came from branches used in the prior year’s Palm Sunday services, one friends reported to EOTT.
“Elton has never been the sharpest tool in the shed,” longtime friend Richard Tower said. “One time I saw him reading the Bible and I had to stop him and tell him that the Church suppresses Catholics from reading it. I remember him being really confused about this and asking me why we as Christians weren’t allowed to read it. I simply reminded him that we’re Catholics, not Christians. Big difference there.”
Tower went on to point out a few other instances where Price proved himself to be a complete moron, including the time [Price] did not know that the Pope is at all times infallible and impeccable, or that Constantine, not Jesus, actually invented the Catholic Church. At press time, Tower has taken away Price’s science text book, reminding him that science is “Satan’s bible.”
Suddenly, for some reason, I’m thinking of adopting Ash Wednesday as one of my favorite holidays.