Category Archives: Humor

A Sweet Burn of Lutherans by the Papists

Sweeeeet burn!

Protestants from across the globe flocked to Wittenberg, Germany Tuesday to venerate a statue of Martin Luther in honor of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation.

Many in the Lutheran and Lutheran-leaning community including pastor of Torrential Downpour Church Morgan Kremin attended ceremonies that started with a morning veneration of the statue of Martin Luther located near All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg and concluded with a collection to help fund the building of several new mega-churches.

“Could the money have gone to the poor–yes,” Kremin admitted to EOTT. “But it’s important that we build these churches so that everyone, be they rich or poor, can come to worship the Lord, even though praying to Jesus is no different in a large church than it is in a home, or even though we know that, for the most part, the homeless don’t actually ever come to our church, and that asking our people, many of whom are struggling to make ends meet, to spend their hard-earned income on exorbitant churches is one of the issues we had with the Catholic Church during the Reformation. But the fact remains that building large things and paying for ridiculous salaries cost money. There’s no way around it.”

Kremin went on to clarify, saying that it wasn’t at all like the selling of indulgences since the selling of indulgences meant that people were essentially paying for their salvation, while what Kremin was saying was that being a true Christian and therefore being saved is contingent on Christian’s paying for such expenditures.

“Totally different.”

Coming Soon to a University in Illinois…

RELS 666: The Majestic Zwingli. 3 credits. Prof. J. West. 

A close look at the erudition, sanctity, wit and wisdom of Ulrich Zwingli (1484-1531), the last of the Reformers in alphabetical terms. Readings from the Commentary on True (Mine) and False (their) Religion, Scripture is Clear and Distinct as far as I’m Concerned, The True Meaning of “Is,” and other works. Requirements: translations from Latin and whatever that other language is, 2-hour exams each week, and response papers on the professor’s interminable sermons. Prerequisites: familiarity with Jerome and despair over salvation.

Course designer – Ralph Keen

And!

RELS 1497 Melanchthon for Fun and Profit. 3 credits. Instructor: Keen.

The surest sign of the collapse of civilization is the current obscurity of Philip Melanchthon (1497-1560), the most erudite and lucid theologian since the death of Augustine. In this course we will read all three editions of the Loci Communes (comparing the Latin and German versions of each) and astrological works that are useful for discerning auspicious times. Requirements: delivering an oration on the importance of reading Homer in a time of crisis and composing Greek epigrams on the problems of the day. For classics majors only; the rest of you are barbarians.

It’s SBL Buzzword Announcement Time

Please take note that all papers delivered at the annual meeting of SBL must include at least one of the following:

  • masculinity
  • toxic masculinity
  • white privilege
  • patriarchy (not Patriarchs- they no longer exist – being myths created by the patriarchy)
  • feminist perspective
  • womanist
  • womanism

If your paper does not include at least a few of these, please expect to be denounced as ‘patriarchal’ and profoundly guilty of exercising your ‘white privilege’ (which you, sad dolt that you are, don’t even know you’re a beneficiary of).*

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* Calm down. It’s just jesting mockery intended to point out the true fact that every year at SBL papers always adopt a buzzword…

What Happens When I Come to Lecture At Your Institution? There Are Long-Lasting Effects!

Richard Goode relates this story-

This is a perfect illustration of how our influence on people’s lives can be far wider and more profound than we can ever imagine.   Last year, Jim West came to the UK to give a lecture. Over a year later, on a small Warwickshire village many miles from the university, I was walking past an after-school nursery play group, when a small boy, wearing a plastic bucket on his head, in a booming deep voice, bellowed fiercely at a cowering ‘friend’, “You are going to HELL!”
Just a coincidence?
I think not.

Amen and amen.  So if you want your entire vicinity to feel the ripples of your conference, you should invite me to speak.  Amen.

Where in the World is Chris Tilling Now?

Oh Chris…  Banned from Burger King…   You’re so horrible.

A man who was trying to buy lunch at a Burger King called 911 and refused to leave the drive-thru lane after the worker refused to honor his coupon.  The 73-year-old customer was reportedly trying to pay for his order with a buy-one-get-one-free Whopper coupon Thursday, according to WJW.   The man told 911 the worker had taken his coupons but wouldn’t give him the free Whopper as stated on the coupon.  According to a police report, “he received the coupons in Texas and was advised that they are no good in Ohio. He was also advised he is not allowed to return to this Burger King.”

Oh Chris….  You’re making Britain look Bad Again.

With AAR / SBL 2018 Approaching it’s Time to Get Your Uniform Purchased

As the annual meeting becomes ever more casual the powers that be at SBL and AAR have chosen this year’s uniform.  Behold:

Sandals, drawstring cotton skorts, and white t-shirts will be required for all presenters and attendees- male and female (and all shades of self identification in between).  If the uniform requirement is ignored, sanctions will be enacted against the offender.  Trimmed toenails are optional.*

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*Go ahead, report me Tom, I DON’T CARE (ya humorless glurp).

Signs of the Times

Look, now Churches are offering hair washing services to get folk in…

Not only is it odd that they wash hair, but that they dress so formally to do it and add in an audience to boot…   Weird.

The Five Top Reasons to Home School Your Kids

Homeschooling can be a controversial topic among Christians, but it shouldn’t be. It’s the only choice for real believers. In addition to the obvious reasons like better test scores, family values, and the ability to ensure your children never, ever encounter a secular worldview before they turn 18, homeschooling gives you a lot of street cred with the other parents in your hood.

While there are 10,000 reasons for your heart to find to praise homeschooling, we’ve narrowed them down to just the top 5:

1.) The earth can be whatever age you say it is. 6,000 years? Sure, go for it. 4 billion and some change? Knock yourself out. You could even tell your kids the earth is a virtual simulation implanted in our minds by machines that enslaved us after a war for control of the earth’s resources, if you want to.

2.) Your kids can graduate early, like before they hit puberty or before they even get out of the womb. While late-blooming homeschool kids might graduate high school when they’re 13, the average homeschooler graduates well before puberty. A few outliers have even graduated before they were officially born. Now that’s something you can brag about.

3.) You can teach your children important life skills like math, science, Latin, Sindarin, and looking down on everyone who doesn’t homeschool. While those public school kids are still learning how to tie their shoes, you can jump-start your children’s knowledge of extremely useful subjects, fictional languages, and the all-important life skill of sneering at people who went to public school. Don’t worry, they won’t pick up on your condescending attitude any more than they know how to do basic algebra.

4.) You’ll get to feel the raw, unadulterated power of being able to shape the minds of future generations coursing through your veins like holy fire. It’s a high unlike any other, and it’s not just for public school teachers anymore. The power coursing through your veins will quickly become addicting.

5.) God will love you more. This is probably the best reason: God will simply love you more if you homeschool. Favor from the Most High usually isn’t easy to obtain by our own efforts, but with homeschooling, it is!

Thank you, Babylon Bee.

Church Kicks Off Fun-Filled ‘Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God’ Themed VBS

While many churches choose a pre-made VBS theme with fun, colorful characters and a cartoonish setting, Church of the Desert Hills today launched its own proprietary Vacation Bible School, dubbed “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

EDWARDS-1-696x394

The exciting event promises to be filled with fun crafts, interactive games, and daily skits in which characters reenact fiery metaphors and illustrations from Edwards’ weighty, sobering sermon from the Great Awakening.

Many of the crafts, games, and activities will involve fire, according to the church’s pastor.

“We’ve got a fun one lined up for tomorrow, called ‘The Loathsome Spider,’” he said. “The kids will swing over a pit of hot coals on a rope, trying not to fall and get burned! Classic.” The pastor stated that fire-themed crafts and illustrations help the kids remember the lessons from Edwards’ sermon and life, “especially when they get burned.”

“Pretty much anything that involves fire, we’ve got it!” he added.

In the event’s exciting finale, the kids will gather to hear a Jonathan Edwards impersonator reenact the famed sermon.

According to the pastor, next year, the church is considering an exciting Spanish Inquisition theme.

Via.