Category Archives: Humor

Mike Bird’s ‘Devil’s Commentary’ on Romans

This was no mere typo….

From Mike Bird’s ‘Romans’ Commentary.  Also known as the Devil’s Commentary on Romans.

Via JRRRRRR Dodson on the twitter.

For shame, Prof. Bird.  Immorality indeed….

The ‘Official’ 2020 AAR Annual Meeting Uniform

And yes, it’s unisex-

With Valentine’s Day Approaching… Karl Barth Has a Book For You

Recently discovered in the Barth Archives at Princeton, a manuscript Barth wrote just weeks before his demise.  Printed in a perfect replica of his meticulous tiny hand writing, this book is sure to make waves in the theological world.

bender

Get yourself a copy!  But don’t let your wife see it!!!!

The REAL Martin Luther

Neander even Found Neander Boring

Via Christoph Markschies

neadner

It’s All About the Beer for You, Isn’t it Martin?

luther_glassLuther comments on John 6:54 thusly-

For instance, if I were to say: “Wittenberg beer quenches the thirst, but Annaberg beer does so too,” I would not be excluding any other beer from doing the same thing. But matters change if I say: “If you do not drink Wittenberg beer, you will find no other beer to slake your thirst.” Thus Christ does not confine Himself here to an affirmative statement, but He excludes everything else as He says: “Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you.” Thus he who despises His flesh will find that nothing else will prove helpful or be accounted valid. I may call on St. Mary or St. Peter, but they cannot help. All else is ruled out completely. In brief, all other methods are rejected.

Martin… beer is hardly a fit illustration for the uniqueness of Christ’s sacrifice.  You German sot.

If Pastors Priced Services Like Hospitals Do

  • Prayer for you- $10
  • Prayer for your family- $15
  • Prayer for your extended family- $20
  • Prayer for ‘the world’- $50
  • Prayer for your Pet- $10,000
  • Prayers at Community Events, Family Reunions, and all other Non-Church Gatherings- $490,000
  • Home Visit- $50
  • Hospital Visit- $75
  • Hospital Visit +Prayer- $200
  • Morning Sermon- $777
  • Evening Sermon- $777
  • Midweek Prayer Service- $900
  • Sunday School Class (Teaching)- $50
  • Sunday School Class (Non-Teaching) – $90,000
  • Wedding Rehearsal- $500
  • Wedding Ceremony-$1000
  • Wedding Where a Bridezilla is Present- $10,000
  • Counseling- $100,000 per hour
  • Funeral for Church Member- $1000
  • Funeral for non Church Member- $2000
  • Funeral which says nice things about the deceased- $5000
  • Business Meetings- $5,500
  • Deacons Meetings- $25,000

The price list is non negotiable.

Science Proves It: I’m The Smartest Guy in the Room

That’s no idle boast, simple readers. It’s sciency stuff. Here’s the proof.

Concerning Study Reveals that Fewer People are Pretending to Be Christians

A new study is worrying pastors and other evangelical leaders, as it suggests that fewer and fewer people are pretending to be Christians than ever before.

While in years past, the vast majority of the country pretended to be Christian, that number is shrinking every year, and now only a minority of the country fakes faith in Jesus Christ.

“This is extremely troubling,” said evangelical megachurch pastor Jack Lindsey. “A decade ago, our pews were full of people who went through the motions of pretending to be Christian. But now, the fake believers are all acting like the atheists they are, and our churches are shrinking because of it. If only we could have a fake revival.”

Pastors are trying to come up with ways to combat the decline of fake Christianity, from hosting big carnivals and preaching through movie franchises to serving better coffee and naming their churches after shopping malls and retirement communities. But nothing seems to be working so far, stoking fears that fake Christianity is on its way out permanently. Some have considered preaching the gospel to the unreached, but these people are obviously nuts.

“We’re in a brave new world where people don’t even bother paying lip service to a Jesus they don’t believe in, and I’m not sure I want to live in that kind of country,” said Lindsey.

The majority of Americans attend the ‘Church of the Seed Fallen On Rocky Ground’.

The Perfect Pastor

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years’ worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

The Perfect Pastor is always in the church down the street.

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors. One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its’ old pastor back in less than three months.

Highly Ineffective, Then

By these criteria, I should retire.

Raisin Bread at Communion: Or Why You Should Be on Instagram

The Clearest and Most Sensible Philosophical Arguments for the Existence of God Ever

Dear Friends who are NOT Attending SBL in San Diego

Don’t fret.  No one interesting is there this year.  All the interesting people will be in Boston next year.  Plus, I hear that the book hall will only have books by terrible writers and all the coffee shops are bad and the food places all have giant rats.  And, the hotels all are infested with bed bugs.  That’s the rumor anyway.

Furthermore, all the papers will be by heretics and pentebabbleists.

So take heart.  Don’t feel left out and sad…  Don’t get a case of #FOMO.  Instead, recognize that only the damned are in San Diego and the redeemed will be in Boston.

Amen.  And Amen.

Get Your Emotional Support Vest Before You Head To SBL

You don’t want to feel sad when a paper triggers you, or when you happen upon some terrible wretch in the book hall, do you?  No, you don’t.  So pack your Squease vest and inflate it before you see someone who might make you feel bad feels…

I wear two.  Because when you room with Chris Tilling, you need 5 but only 2 will fit.

Which Photo Shows Survivors and Which The End of their Gene Pool?

Via Helen *The Mauler* Ingram

Every Philosopher, Ever, In One Meme

God Isn’t a Fan of Your Rubbish Music

Happy Ember Day!

An Episcopal Priest has posted on her timeline on the twitter that it’s something called ‘Ember Day’!  Why hasn’t anyone told me about this joyful celebration before?  Why have you been keeping this a secret from me, people!

Happy Ember Day!  Greetings to all the heretics out there who are less thrilled about it than I am… I’ll see you soon!

If Melanchthon were Seeking Tenure Today

22 September 2019

Tenure Report on Philip Melanchthon

Professor Melanchthon arrived in 2018 to teach Greek, a subject in which there were few resources in this region yet one in which we wished to establish a presence, with Leipzig with Peter Mosellanus being our only serious competition in these territories. From the start Professor Melanchthon established himself as a pathbreaker, delivering an inaugural address resplendent in the aura of the new learning that was gaining ground in his undergraduate alma mater Heidelberg and at Tübingen, where he received his MA. Professor Melanchthon’s talents were recognized early on by our colleagues Luther and Spalatin, and although his students had difficulty at first with his Swabian accent, he has proven to be a popular lecturer and a supportive mentor to many students.

Professor Luther formed a strong alliance early on with this younger colleague, who provided valuable aid in theological and linguistic matters. A significant career-development move was his pursuit of the baccalaureus biblicus in 2019, which provided a theological credential alongside his training in the liberal arts. His teaching, almost since his arrival, has included theology as well as classical studies, and he is almost alone among his colleagues in holding that a thorough knowledge of the biblical languages is necessary for competent work in theology. We doubt that faculty mentoring during his probationary period would have changed his mind on this novel and still-controversial matter. Similarly regarding his obstinacy with certain opinions, there have been reports from students who find his use of “sophist” and “papist” for adherents to the older faith offputting, even challenging. Members of the committee recalled the grievance of two years ago, in which Professor Melanchthon’s response (“I could call the pope the Antichrist if you’d prefer, you idolater!”) failed to bring much needed calm to our campus. We can certainly hope for a change in tone as his teaching matures.

The Publication Record raised questions within the committee that we can neither avoid nor easily answer. Without denying that the Loci communes (2016) has been hugely popular, there are concerns about its originality, specifically whether its argument depends on familiarity and agreement with Professor Luther’s work; its use as a textbook in theology, where it follows an unusual arrangement of material; and its failure to count as an example of classical scholarship as conventionally understood. Some in the committee reminded us that a Greek scholar’s proper work is translating Lucian into Latin, or composing Greek epigrams in elegiac couplets. While we cannot deny that Professor Melanchthon’s theological publications have brought welcome attention to our university, we believe that more attention to conventional classical efforts will serve our needs for a European presence in Greek studies. He is currently following a dispute which Professor Luther is carrying on with Erasmus, which may in the future raise questions about the relation of Professor Luther’s theological project with the humanism represented by that Patristics scholar in Basel. Let us be frank, Honorable Rector: the direction of Professor Melanchthon’s work is likely to make Wittenberg better known, in years to come, for theology than for humanistic study. No one is currently reading Statius or Ausonius, and Demosthenes and the rhetorical corpus are being studied by clergy candidates hoping to improve their preaching.

In the category of Service Professor Melanchthon has done more off-campus than on, as we see in his developing of important relationships with the Pirckheimer family in Nuremberg and with the young landgrave of Hesse. Professor Melanchthon has had the guiding hand in the design of the new Latin School in Nuremberg, and is working with Landgraf Philip to create the first “protestant” university, though what that latter term means remains something of a mystery. Certain members of the Committee were concerned that these activities did not sufficiently highlight Professor Melanchthon’s affiliation with our university, with the result that we are missing a uniquely valuable branding opportunity for Wittenberg.

We must, regrettably, report a divided vote on tenure, which according to the Manual of Operations means that decision rests with the Office of the Rector. Professor Melanchthon is unquestionably erudite and energetic, and may in time be ranked with Professor Luther as one of the luminaries of our institution. However, his work is moving increasingly toward promoting and articulating the new theology, with the inevitable result that we will fall in the rankings for humanism behind Louvain, Basel, and even possibly our perennial rival, Leipzig.

Via Ralph Keen (with minor date adjustments by me.)