Zwinglius Redivivus

SBL 2018 Is Just Around the Corner (If the Corner is 3 Months Off)

Posted in Conferences, Humor, SBL by Jim on 17 Aug 2018

Remember to pack your ‘grad student assistance bag’ – which ought to contain a few protein bars, a bottle of water, and some latex gloves so that when they dig through the garbage for food they can keep their hands clean.

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Ok People, that IS Funny

Posted in Humor by Jim on 10 Aug 2018

via Helen Ingram (thanks!).

Signs of the Times

Posted in Humor by Jim on 30 Jul 2018

Look, now Churches are offering hair washing services to get folk in…

Not only is it odd that they wash hair, but that they dress so formally to do it and add in an audience to boot…   Weird.

I Do That Every Time I Go To SBL…

Posted in Humor by Jim on 25 Jul 2018

The Five Top Reasons to Home School Your Kids

Posted in Humor by Jim on 24 Jul 2018

Homeschooling can be a controversial topic among Christians, but it shouldn’t be. It’s the only choice for real believers. In addition to the obvious reasons like better test scores, family values, and the ability to ensure your children never, ever encounter a secular worldview before they turn 18, homeschooling gives you a lot of street cred with the other parents in your hood.

While there are 10,000 reasons for your heart to find to praise homeschooling, we’ve narrowed them down to just the top 5:

1.) The earth can be whatever age you say it is. 6,000 years? Sure, go for it. 4 billion and some change? Knock yourself out. You could even tell your kids the earth is a virtual simulation implanted in our minds by machines that enslaved us after a war for control of the earth’s resources, if you want to.

2.) Your kids can graduate early, like before they hit puberty or before they even get out of the womb. While late-blooming homeschool kids might graduate high school when they’re 13, the average homeschooler graduates well before puberty. A few outliers have even graduated before they were officially born. Now that’s something you can brag about.

3.) You can teach your children important life skills like math, science, Latin, Sindarin, and looking down on everyone who doesn’t homeschool. While those public school kids are still learning how to tie their shoes, you can jump-start your children’s knowledge of extremely useful subjects, fictional languages, and the all-important life skill of sneering at people who went to public school. Don’t worry, they won’t pick up on your condescending attitude any more than they know how to do basic algebra.

4.) You’ll get to feel the raw, unadulterated power of being able to shape the minds of future generations coursing through your veins like holy fire. It’s a high unlike any other, and it’s not just for public school teachers anymore. The power coursing through your veins will quickly become addicting.

5.) God will love you more. This is probably the best reason: God will simply love you more if you homeschool. Favor from the Most High usually isn’t easy to obtain by our own efforts, but with homeschooling, it is!

Thank you, Babylon Bee.

Guardian Angels Aren’t Always Thrilled to Be Around You, You Know…

Posted in Humor by Jim on 22 Jul 2018

Here’s Matthew with his.  Each thinking their own deep thoughts…

angel

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VBS and The VBS Worker: Let the Reader Understand…

Posted in Humor by Jim on 20 Jul 2018

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Church Kicks Off Fun-Filled ‘Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God’ Themed VBS

Posted in Humor by Jim on 16 Jul 2018

While many churches choose a pre-made VBS theme with fun, colorful characters and a cartoonish setting, Church of the Desert Hills today launched its own proprietary Vacation Bible School, dubbed “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

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The exciting event promises to be filled with fun crafts, interactive games, and daily skits in which characters reenact fiery metaphors and illustrations from Edwards’ weighty, sobering sermon from the Great Awakening.

Many of the crafts, games, and activities will involve fire, according to the church’s pastor.

“We’ve got a fun one lined up for tomorrow, called ‘The Loathsome Spider,’” he said. “The kids will swing over a pit of hot coals on a rope, trying not to fall and get burned! Classic.” The pastor stated that fire-themed crafts and illustrations help the kids remember the lessons from Edwards’ sermon and life, “especially when they get burned.”

“Pretty much anything that involves fire, we’ve got it!” he added.

In the event’s exciting finale, the kids will gather to hear a Jonathan Edwards impersonator reenact the famed sermon.

According to the pastor, next year, the church is considering an exciting Spanish Inquisition theme.

Via.

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SBL / AAR Bingo

Posted in Conferences, Humor, Modern Culture by Jim on 16 Jul 2018

This is hilarious because it’s so true:

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Signs of the Times

Posted in Humor by Jim on 8 Jul 2018

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If You Hear ‘Laurel’ You Are Predestined to Eternal Destruction

Posted in Heresy and Heretics, Humor by Jim on 17 May 2018

I think this is probably true:

After the internet became deeply divided over an audio clip that sounds as though it says either “Yanny” or “Laurel” depending on the listener, one Calvinist commentator came forward to declare that only the elect can hear “Yanny” in the clip, and that those who can only hear “Laurel” are vessels of wrath, set aside for destruction.

“God has chosen from eternity past those whom He would regenerate to have the ears to hear ‘Yanny’ in this clip,” the amateur Calvinist theologian, Mark Lynel, wrote on his Facebook page. “The rest are reprobates, consigned to destruction for their willful rejection of the obvious meaning of the clip.” Lynel went on to state that the Lord has “made plainly obvious” the nature and character of the clip, but that because of man’s sin, he suppresses the true interpretation through his unrighteousness.

When Lynel learned of certain people who could hear both names pronounced clearly within the clip, he rejected the idea sternly. “Surely, there are many among us who are not of us. There are always those who say ‘Lord, Lord’ and do miracles in His name, but the Lord will separate the Laurels from the Yannys on the last day.”

Oh, and the dress is BLUE!

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Luther’s Wife and Her Awesome Lips…

Posted in Humor, Luther by Jim on 15 May 2018

Sorry you can’t see them- Luther had her wear this mouth muzzle…

I guess when you need women to keep silent in Church, you convince them the mouth muffler is the fashion trend to adopt…

NB- calm down.

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This New Generation of ‘Reformed’ Kids Are So Lazy…

Posted in Humor by Jim on 10 May 2018

According to sources at the Johnson household, the Reformed family’s pathetic newborn Beverly couldn’t answer a single question out of the Westminster Shorter Catechism during family worship Wednesday evening.

The family patriarch began posing questions from the teaching tool to each of his nine children, and was reportedly “deeply disappointed” when the youngest of the bunch was unable to answer “even the easy questions.” The “total spiritual failure” was even baptized already, but still failed to answer a single question correctly.

“What is the chief end of man?” Mr. Johnson reportedly asked, to which little Beverly merely made a cooing sound. “That’s OK, we don’t always get it on the first try. Bev, what is the chief end of man? I’ll only ask you once more.” The newborn tilted her head and began to drool, causing Johnson to furrow his brow and shake his head. “WHAT IS THE CHIEF END OF MAN?”

“Do you think there’s something wrong with her? Maybe… maybe she’s not elect,” Johnson’s wife Hannah whispered to him as the man continued to grill the infant on various questions from the popular 17th century catechism.

At publishing time, the family reported that the two-month-old had shown her true colors as a vessel for wrath by obstinately refusing to sing along with the family’s a cappella rendition of Psalm 59.

Poor little kid.  Clearly predestined for destruction….

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If You Don’t Immerse When you Baptize, You Baptize Like the Devil Does…

Posted in Humor by Jim on 5 May 2018

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The Complainer

Posted in Humor by Jim on 18 Apr 2018

Via Ralph Keen-

Thanks to Rabbi Blum at Columbia for this one:

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s allowed to say just two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They again summon him and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.

Another seven years pass and they bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says.

“That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

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Was Stormy Daniels’ Thug Tom Brady?

Posted in Humor by Jim on 17 Apr 2018

Come on, man, look at him.  That’s Tom Brady!

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Godly Women…

Posted in Humor, Modern Culture by Jim on 16 Apr 2018

They make the world what it is my friends….

jael

‘Teach us to Number Our Days…’

Posted in Humor by Jim on 11 Apr 2018

Funniest Meme on the Facebook Today

Posted in Humor by Jim on 10 Apr 2018

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Plans Have Been Leaked for the Trump Presidential Library…

Posted in Humor by Jim on 30 Mar 2018

And it is much bigger than you imagine!

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