If Pastors Priced Services Like Hospitals Do

  • Prayer for you- $10
  • Prayer for your family- $15
  • Prayer for your extended family- $20
  • Prayer for ‘the world’- $50
  • Prayer for your Pet- $10,000
  • Prayers at Community Events, Family Reunions, and all other Non-Church Gatherings- $490,000
  • Home Visit- $50
  • Hospital Visit- $75
  • Hospital Visit +Prayer- $200
  • Morning Sermon- $777
  • Evening Sermon- $777
  • Midweek Prayer Service- $900
  • Sunday School Class (Teaching)- $50
  • Sunday School Class (Non-Teaching) – $90,000
  • Wedding Rehearsal- $500
  • Wedding Ceremony-$1000
  • Wedding Where a Bridezilla is Present- $10,000
  • Counseling- $100,000 per hour
  • Funeral for Church Member- $1000
  • Funeral for non Church Member- $2000
  • Funeral which says nice things about the deceased- $5000
  • Business Meetings- $5,500
  • Deacons Meetings- $25,000

The price list is non negotiable.

A Sweet Burn of Lutherans by the Papists

Sweeeeet burn!

Protestants from across the globe flocked to Wittenberg, Germany Tuesday to venerate a statue of Martin Luther in honor of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation.

Many in the Lutheran and Lutheran-leaning community including pastor of Torrential Downpour Church Morgan Kremin attended ceremonies that started with a morning veneration of the statue of Martin Luther located near All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg and concluded with a collection to help fund the building of several new mega-churches.

“Could the money have gone to the poor–yes,” Kremin admitted to EOTT. “But it’s important that we build these churches so that everyone, be they rich or poor, can come to worship the Lord, even though praying to Jesus is no different in a large church than it is in a home, or even though we know that, for the most part, the homeless don’t actually ever come to our church, and that asking our people, many of whom are struggling to make ends meet, to spend their hard-earned income on exorbitant churches is one of the issues we had with the Catholic Church during the Reformation. But the fact remains that building large things and paying for ridiculous salaries cost money. There’s no way around it.”

Kremin went on to clarify, saying that it wasn’t at all like the selling of indulgences since the selling of indulgences meant that people were essentially paying for their salvation, while what Kremin was saying was that being a true Christian and therefore being saved is contingent on Christian’s paying for such expenditures.

“Totally different.”

Coming Soon to a University in Illinois…

RELS 666: The Majestic Zwingli. 3 credits. Prof. J. West. 

A close look at the erudition, sanctity, wit and wisdom of Ulrich Zwingli (1484-1531), the last of the Reformers in alphabetical terms. Readings from the Commentary on True (Mine) and False (their) Religion, Scripture is Clear and Distinct as far as I’m Concerned, The True Meaning of “Is,” and other works. Requirements: translations from Latin and whatever that other language is, 2-hour exams each week, and response papers on the professor’s interminable sermons. Prerequisites: familiarity with Jerome and despair over salvation.

Course designer – Ralph Keen

And!

RELS 1497 Melanchthon for Fun and Profit. 3 credits. Instructor: Keen.

The surest sign of the collapse of civilization is the current obscurity of Philip Melanchthon (1497-1560), the most erudite and lucid theologian since the death of Augustine. In this course we will read all three editions of the Loci Communes (comparing the Latin and German versions of each) and astrological works that are useful for discerning auspicious times. Requirements: delivering an oration on the importance of reading Homer in a time of crisis and composing Greek epigrams on the problems of the day. For classics majors only; the rest of you are barbarians.

It’s SBL Buzzword Announcement Time

Please take note that all papers delivered at the annual meeting of SBL must include at least one of the following:

  • masculinity
  • toxic masculinity
  • white privilege
  • patriarchy (not Patriarchs- they no longer exist – being myths created by the patriarchy)
  • feminist perspective
  • womanist
  • womanism

If your paper does not include at least a few of these, please expect to be denounced as ‘patriarchal’ and profoundly guilty of exercising your ‘white privilege’ (which you, sad dolt that you are, don’t even know you’re a beneficiary of).*

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* Calm down. It’s just jesting mockery intended to point out the true fact that every year at SBL papers always adopt a buzzword…

What Happens When I Come to Lecture At Your Institution? There Are Long-Lasting Effects!

Richard Goode relates this story-

This is a perfect illustration of how our influence on people’s lives can be far wider and more profound than we can ever imagine.   Last year, Jim West came to the UK to give a lecture. Over a year later, on a small Warwickshire village many miles from the university, I was walking past an after-school nursery play group, when a small boy, wearing a plastic bucket on his head, in a booming deep voice, bellowed fiercely at a cowering ‘friend’, “You are going to HELL!”
Just a coincidence?
I think not.

Amen and amen.  So if you want your entire vicinity to feel the ripples of your conference, you should invite me to speak.  Amen.

Where in the World is Chris Tilling Now?

Oh Chris…  Banned from Burger King…   You’re so horrible.

A man who was trying to buy lunch at a Burger King called 911 and refused to leave the drive-thru lane after the worker refused to honor his coupon.  The 73-year-old customer was reportedly trying to pay for his order with a buy-one-get-one-free Whopper coupon Thursday, according to WJW.   The man told 911 the worker had taken his coupons but wouldn’t give him the free Whopper as stated on the coupon.  According to a police report, “he received the coupons in Texas and was advised that they are no good in Ohio. He was also advised he is not allowed to return to this Burger King.”

Oh Chris….  You’re making Britain look Bad Again.

With AAR / SBL 2018 Approaching it’s Time to Get Your Uniform Purchased

As the annual meeting becomes ever more casual the powers that be at SBL and AAR have chosen this year’s uniform.  Behold:

Sandals, drawstring cotton skorts, and white t-shirts will be required for all presenters and attendees- male and female (and all shades of self identification in between).  If the uniform requirement is ignored, sanctions will be enacted against the offender.  Trimmed toenails are optional.*

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*Go ahead, report me Tom, I DON’T CARE (ya humorless glurp).

Signs of the Times

Look, now Churches are offering hair washing services to get folk in…

Not only is it odd that they wash hair, but that they dress so formally to do it and add in an audience to boot…   Weird.