Category Archives: Humor

Luther’s Wife and Her Awesome Lips…

Sorry you can’t see them- Luther had her wear this mouth muzzle…

I guess when you need women to keep silent in Church, you convince them the mouth muffler is the fashion trend to adopt…

NB- calm down.

I Love this Footnote

And kudos to the editor who allowed it!  Via Kara Schlichting on the twitter-

Specific Prayers are Better than General Prayers…

Chris Tilling Has Been Wearing These For Years…

The horror is just one of the things you have to endure when you room with him at SBL.

This Made Me Laugh

Via Unvirtuous Abbey

The Church Business Meeting

Zwingli Didn’t Actually Like, or Eat Sausage

Though he didn’t mind others who did…

Cartoon of Reformersvia

Reformed and Cannibal

It’s Rained So Much Here…

That killer whales are in the streets…

via Don Grant

iPhones….

In case you haven’t seen this yet…

If Pastors Priced Services Like Hospitals Do

  • Prayer for you- $10
  • Prayer for your family- $15
  • Prayer for your extended family- $20
  • Prayer for ‘the world’- $50
  • Prayer for your Pet- $10,000
  • Prayers at Community Events, Family Reunions, and all other Non-Church Gatherings- $490,000
  • Home Visit- $50
  • Hospital Visit- $75
  • Hospital Visit +Prayer- $200
  • Morning Sermon- $777
  • Evening Sermon- $777
  • Midweek Prayer Service- $900
  • Sunday School Class (Teaching)- $50
  • Sunday School Class (Non-Teaching) – $90,000
  • Wedding Rehearsal- $500
  • Wedding Ceremony-$1000
  • Wedding Where a Bridezilla is Present- $10,000
  • Counseling- $100,000 per hour
  • Funeral for Church Member- $1000
  • Funeral for non Church Member- $2000
  • Funeral which says nice things about the deceased- $5000
  • Business Meetings- $5,500
  • Deacons Meetings- $25,000

The price list is non negotiable.

Signs of the Times

If You’re Having An Internal Debate…

About whether or not you should get me a Christmas gift-  just remember this:

#YesYouShouldGetMeAChristmasGift

“You have the poor with you always, and you can be kind to them whenever you wish, but you will not always have me.” (Mk. 14:7)

Amen.

Friends Don’t Let Friends Talk About Homeric Hymns and Semiotics

Does no one care about this poor misguided lad? Has he no friends who will speak to him and be a blessing? Alas… I weep…

Get Your Emotional Support Vest Before You Head To SBL

You don’t want to feel sad when a paper triggers you, or when you happen upon some terrible wretch in the book hall, do you?  No, you don’t.  So pack your Squease vest and inflate it before you see someone who might make you feel bad feels…

I wear two.  Because when you room with Chris Tilling, you need 5 but only 2 will fit.

Jesus Was Baptized on January 13, 2010

Who knew….

A Sweet Burn of Lutherans by the Papists

Sweeeeet burn!

Protestants from across the globe flocked to Wittenberg, Germany Tuesday to venerate a statue of Martin Luther in honor of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation.

Many in the Lutheran and Lutheran-leaning community including pastor of Torrential Downpour Church Morgan Kremin attended ceremonies that started with a morning veneration of the statue of Martin Luther located near All Saints’ Church in Wittenberg and concluded with a collection to help fund the building of several new mega-churches.

“Could the money have gone to the poor–yes,” Kremin admitted to EOTT. “But it’s important that we build these churches so that everyone, be they rich or poor, can come to worship the Lord, even though praying to Jesus is no different in a large church than it is in a home, or even though we know that, for the most part, the homeless don’t actually ever come to our church, and that asking our people, many of whom are struggling to make ends meet, to spend their hard-earned income on exorbitant churches is one of the issues we had with the Catholic Church during the Reformation. But the fact remains that building large things and paying for ridiculous salaries cost money. There’s no way around it.”

Kremin went on to clarify, saying that it wasn’t at all like the selling of indulgences since the selling of indulgences meant that people were essentially paying for their salvation, while what Kremin was saying was that being a true Christian and therefore being saved is contingent on Christian’s paying for such expenditures.

“Totally different.”

Coming Soon to a University in Illinois…

RELS 666: The Majestic Zwingli. 3 credits. Prof. J. West. 

A close look at the erudition, sanctity, wit and wisdom of Ulrich Zwingli (1484-1531), the last of the Reformers in alphabetical terms. Readings from the Commentary on True (Mine) and False (their) Religion, Scripture is Clear and Distinct as far as I’m Concerned, The True Meaning of “Is,” and other works. Requirements: translations from Latin and whatever that other language is, 2-hour exams each week, and response papers on the professor’s interminable sermons. Prerequisites: familiarity with Jerome and despair over salvation.

Course designer – Ralph Keen

And!

RELS 1497 Melanchthon for Fun and Profit. 3 credits. Instructor: Keen.

The surest sign of the collapse of civilization is the current obscurity of Philip Melanchthon (1497-1560), the most erudite and lucid theologian since the death of Augustine. In this course we will read all three editions of the Loci Communes (comparing the Latin and German versions of each) and astrological works that are useful for discerning auspicious times. Requirements: delivering an oration on the importance of reading Homer in a time of crisis and composing Greek epigrams on the problems of the day. For classics majors only; the rest of you are barbarians.

The Official AAR Uniform Top

If you’re attending AAR this year here are your choices for upper wear.  Please choose 4.  And yes, you can mix and match, though at least one should be Christmas themed.  Thank you for your cooperation.

It’s SBL Buzzword Announcement Time

Please take note that all papers delivered at the annual meeting of SBL must include at least one of the following:

  • masculinity
  • toxic masculinity
  • white privilege
  • patriarchy (not Patriarchs- they no longer exist – being myths created by the patriarchy)
  • feminist perspective
  • womanist
  • womanism

If your paper does not include at least a few of these, please expect to be denounced as ‘patriarchal’ and profoundly guilty of exercising your ‘white privilege’ (which you, sad dolt that you are, don’t even know you’re a beneficiary of).*

______________
* Calm down. It’s just jesting mockery intended to point out the true fact that every year at SBL papers always adopt a buzzword…