The Complainer

Via Ralph Keen-

Thanks to Rabbi Blum at Columbia for this one:

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s allowed to say just two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They again summon him and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.

Another seven years pass and they bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says.

“That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Was Stormy Daniels’ Thug Tom Brady?

Come on, man, look at him.  That’s Tom Brady!

Godly Women…

They make the world what it is my friends….

‘Teach us to Number Our Days…’

Funniest Meme on the Facebook Today

Plans Have Been Leaked for the Trump Presidential Library…

And it is much bigger than you imagine!

Jonah Is All Of Us

‘The Deacons Meeting’

‘Ways in Which Deacons Torture Pastors in their Closed Secret Meetings’

I Like This Priest. A Lot.

Local pastor Fr. Ron Porter was forced to stop midway through his homily Sunday morning to passive-aggressively attempt to quiet an unruly toddler.

Porter reportedly stopped several times during the course of his homily before finally telling his parishioners that perhaps “the little one in the back” wanted to go right ahead and finish his homily for him.

“It’s not like I didn’t spend a lot of time on it or anything,” Porter said before chuckling a bit. “You priests out there in the pews know what I mean, right? I’m joking, of course. Cute kid. I wonder what seminary he studied at.”

Parishioner Angelica Wall told EOTT that Porter also went on to suggest that they consider building a cry room, although the parish already has one.

“It actually kinda got weird,” Wall said. “He wasn’t able to get back on track for the rest of the Mass so it’s like he just didn’t wanna let it go. At one point he messed up the words of consecration and jokingly asked if the toddler wanted to come up to the altar to say them for him.”

He’s my people.

Zwingli Didn’t Actually Like, or Eat Sausage

Though he didn’t mind others who did…

via

Ladies, I’m Usually on Your Side… But, to you on this Matter, I say REPENT!

In 1674 during the great Coffee War you women were just dead WRONG!  Down with your untrue aspersions on coffee- God’s gift of goodness and joy.  Sinner women, repent!!!!!  Coffee isn’t enfeebling nor liquor!  Sinners!!!!  Away with your scandalous pamphlet and undeserved aspersions!!!!  (photos via the twitter).

Dear People in the North, Where it Snows a Lot…

With Valentine’s Day Approaching… Karl Barth Has a Book For You

Recently discovered in the Barth Archives at Princeton, a manuscript Barth wrote just weeks before his demise.  Printed in a perfect replica of his meticulous tiny hand writing, this book is sure to make waves in the theological world.

Get yourself a copy!  But don’t let your wife see it!!!!

The Episcopalians and Divine Pronouns…

The last surviving members of the Episcopalian religion voted last week to stop using male pronouns for God, sources at a meeting of the Diocese of Washington, D.C. confirmed.

The 37 remaining Episcopalians on Planet Earth conducted the vote in an effort to make the last three or four Episcopal churches in the country be more inclusive, in the rare case anyone actually showed up to any of their services.

“We don’t want to offend or trigger the six or seven people left in our pews,” said the writers of the resolution. “And we get literally dozens of visitors every decade—what if we scare one of them off by reading the Book of Common Prayer and forcing them to hear the words ‘He’ or ‘Him’? That’s a chance we just can’t take.”

At publishing time, fourteen of the attendees of the meeting had left the faith.

Okie Dokie Then….

via H.I.

It’s All About the Beer for You, Isn’t it Martin?

Luther comments on John 6:54 thusly-

For instance, if I were to say: “Wittenberg beer quenches the thirst, but Annaberg beer does so too,” I would not be excluding any other beer from doing the same thing. But matters change if I say: “If you do not drink Wittenberg beer, you will find no other beer to slake your thirst.” Thus Christ does not confine Himself here to an affirmative statement, but He excludes everything else as He says: “Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you.” Thus he who despises His flesh will find that nothing else will prove helpful or be accounted valid. I may call on St. Mary or St. Peter, but they cannot help. All else is ruled out completely. In brief, all other methods are rejected.

Martin… beer is hardly a fit illustration for the uniqueness of Christ’s sacrifice.  You German sot.

People You Know Living Life on the Weekend

Jim Aitken

Doug Iverson

Erick Van Der Euynkell

Helen Ingram

The Ultimate Church Split

This is perfect–

After a particularly heated membership meeting this past week, the South Lancaster Mennonite Church has decided to split the entire congregation into more manageable units of one.

“At first we decided to just split into two groups: those in favour of buttons on their shirts and those who preferred hooks,” explained Johan Landes, former South Lancaster elder and recently appointed pastor of Johan Landes Memorial Church. “But then the button-users started talking amongst themselves and found they had differences of opinion on baptismal water temperature. Those wanting hot and those wanting cold split into their own groups. So then we had pro-button pro-cold, pro-button anti-cold, anti-button pro-cold and anti-button anti-cold groups. I figured it was settled, but upon further discussion, the groups realized they couldn’t agree on whether to sing five or six hymns each Sunday, and so there was an anti-button anti-cold pro-five group and an anti-button anti-cold pro-six group, and a pro-button anti-cold pro-five group and…well, you get the idea. The groups just kept getting tinier and tinier. Eventually we all decided to each form our own churches…but there was some opposition to this idea, too.”

The once thriving South Lancaster Church is now 250 (253 to be precise) individual churches, although the division has still not stopped.

“This whole starting-your-own-church thing has got me studying theology,” explained Landes. “And now I keeping changing church doctrine every day. I don’t even agree with myself anymore!”

Johan Landes says he has excommunicated his past-self for differences on clerical celibacy, but is concerned that a future version of himself might also disagree.

“Who knows what I might believe this Friday afternoon,” explained Johan Landes. “I always get a little too liberal when the weekend is approaching. Being my own pastor is a lot harder than I thought. You get so much criticism from all sides and it’s almost impossible to get the people to agree.”

Pastor Johan is arranging an ecumenical reconciliation service between his various selves for Sunday morning…although he can’t figure out whether they should use real wine or just Welch’s grape juice.

The ‘Age of Accountability’ is Now 30- For the Millennials…

A national task force of Bible scholars has voted to raise the biblical age of accountability to 30 for late-blooming millennials. According to this decision, millennials who die before age 30 will receive automatic entry into the kingdom of heaven along with complimentary participation trophies.

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson wrote the majority decision for the task force, explaining that it was “no longer practical to assume that the traditional age of accountability—usually around 12 years old—would be the age by which God held millennials responsible for their eternal destiny.”

“Case studies revealed chronic immaturity, lack of rational decision-making skills, embrace of socialism revealing serious mental abnormalities, and a strong desire to spend each pay check on craft beer, artisan coffee beverages, and slouchy beanies,” Dobson added.

The decision was praised by millennials worldwide, who said “Since our circumstances are not our own fault at all, we totally deserve this decision, obviously.”

Perfectly sensible for the snowflake generation.

It Looks Like Rome Has Finally Gotten Around to Dedicating that Square in the City to Luther

Back in 2015 Rome decided to honor Luther with a square.  It looks like they’ve finally dedicated it-

Well that seems about right, given Rome’s 500 year long attitude to Martin…