If You Hear ‘Laurel’ You Are Predestined to Eternal Destruction

I think this is probably true:

After the internet became deeply divided over an audio clip that sounds as though it says either “Yanny” or “Laurel” depending on the listener, one Calvinist commentator came forward to declare that only the elect can hear “Yanny” in the clip, and that those who can only hear “Laurel” are vessels of wrath, set aside for destruction.

“God has chosen from eternity past those whom He would regenerate to have the ears to hear ‘Yanny’ in this clip,” the amateur Calvinist theologian, Mark Lynel, wrote on his Facebook page. “The rest are reprobates, consigned to destruction for their willful rejection of the obvious meaning of the clip.” Lynel went on to state that the Lord has “made plainly obvious” the nature and character of the clip, but that because of man’s sin, he suppresses the true interpretation through his unrighteousness.

When Lynel learned of certain people who could hear both names pronounced clearly within the clip, he rejected the idea sternly. “Surely, there are many among us who are not of us. There are always those who say ‘Lord, Lord’ and do miracles in His name, but the Lord will separate the Laurels from the Yannys on the last day.”

Oh, and the dress is BLUE!

Luther’s Wife and Her Awesome Lips…

Sorry you can’t see them- Luther had her wear this mouth muzzle…

I guess when you need women to keep silent in Church, you convince them the mouth muffler is the fashion trend to adopt…

NB- calm down.

This New Generation of ‘Reformed’ Kids Are So Lazy…

According to sources at the Johnson household, the Reformed family’s pathetic newborn Beverly couldn’t answer a single question out of the Westminster Shorter Catechism during family worship Wednesday evening.

The family patriarch began posing questions from the teaching tool to each of his nine children, and was reportedly “deeply disappointed” when the youngest of the bunch was unable to answer “even the easy questions.” The “total spiritual failure” was even baptized already, but still failed to answer a single question correctly.

“What is the chief end of man?” Mr. Johnson reportedly asked, to which little Beverly merely made a cooing sound. “That’s OK, we don’t always get it on the first try. Bev, what is the chief end of man? I’ll only ask you once more.” The newborn tilted her head and began to drool, causing Johnson to furrow his brow and shake his head. “WHAT IS THE CHIEF END OF MAN?”

“Do you think there’s something wrong with her? Maybe… maybe she’s not elect,” Johnson’s wife Hannah whispered to him as the man continued to grill the infant on various questions from the popular 17th century catechism.

At publishing time, the family reported that the two-month-old had shown her true colors as a vessel for wrath by obstinately refusing to sing along with the family’s a cappella rendition of Psalm 59.

Poor little kid.  Clearly predestined for destruction….

If You Don’t Immerse When you Baptize, You Baptize Like the Devil Does…

The Complainer

Via Ralph Keen-

Thanks to Rabbi Blum at Columbia for this one:

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s allowed to say just two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They again summon him and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.

Another seven years pass and they bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says.

“That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Was Stormy Daniels’ Thug Tom Brady?

Come on, man, look at him.  That’s Tom Brady!

Godly Women…

They make the world what it is my friends….

‘Teach us to Number Our Days…’

Funniest Meme on the Facebook Today

Plans Have Been Leaked for the Trump Presidential Library…

And it is much bigger than you imagine!

Jonah Is All Of Us

‘The Deacons Meeting’

‘Ways in Which Deacons Torture Pastors in their Closed Secret Meetings’

I Like This Priest. A Lot.

Local pastor Fr. Ron Porter was forced to stop midway through his homily Sunday morning to passive-aggressively attempt to quiet an unruly toddler.

Porter reportedly stopped several times during the course of his homily before finally telling his parishioners that perhaps “the little one in the back” wanted to go right ahead and finish his homily for him.

“It’s not like I didn’t spend a lot of time on it or anything,” Porter said before chuckling a bit. “You priests out there in the pews know what I mean, right? I’m joking, of course. Cute kid. I wonder what seminary he studied at.”

Parishioner Angelica Wall told EOTT that Porter also went on to suggest that they consider building a cry room, although the parish already has one.

“It actually kinda got weird,” Wall said. “He wasn’t able to get back on track for the rest of the Mass so it’s like he just didn’t wanna let it go. At one point he messed up the words of consecration and jokingly asked if the toddler wanted to come up to the altar to say them for him.”

He’s my people.

Zwingli Didn’t Actually Like, or Eat Sausage

Though he didn’t mind others who did…

via

Ladies, I’m Usually on Your Side… But, to you on this Matter, I say REPENT!

In 1674 during the great Coffee War you women were just dead WRONG!  Down with your untrue aspersions on coffee- God’s gift of goodness and joy.  Sinner women, repent!!!!!  Coffee isn’t enfeebling nor liquor!  Sinners!!!!  Away with your scandalous pamphlet and undeserved aspersions!!!!  (photos via the twitter).

Dear People in the North, Where it Snows a Lot…

With Valentine’s Day Approaching… Karl Barth Has a Book For You

Recently discovered in the Barth Archives at Princeton, a manuscript Barth wrote just weeks before his demise.  Printed in a perfect replica of his meticulous tiny hand writing, this book is sure to make waves in the theological world.

Get yourself a copy!  But don’t let your wife see it!!!!

The Episcopalians and Divine Pronouns…

The last surviving members of the Episcopalian religion voted last week to stop using male pronouns for God, sources at a meeting of the Diocese of Washington, D.C. confirmed.

The 37 remaining Episcopalians on Planet Earth conducted the vote in an effort to make the last three or four Episcopal churches in the country be more inclusive, in the rare case anyone actually showed up to any of their services.

“We don’t want to offend or trigger the six or seven people left in our pews,” said the writers of the resolution. “And we get literally dozens of visitors every decade—what if we scare one of them off by reading the Book of Common Prayer and forcing them to hear the words ‘He’ or ‘Him’? That’s a chance we just can’t take.”

At publishing time, fourteen of the attendees of the meeting had left the faith.

Okie Dokie Then….

via H.I.

It’s All About the Beer for You, Isn’t it Martin?

Luther comments on John 6:54 thusly-

For instance, if I were to say: “Wittenberg beer quenches the thirst, but Annaberg beer does so too,” I would not be excluding any other beer from doing the same thing. But matters change if I say: “If you do not drink Wittenberg beer, you will find no other beer to slake your thirst.” Thus Christ does not confine Himself here to an affirmative statement, but He excludes everything else as He says: “Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you.” Thus he who despises His flesh will find that nothing else will prove helpful or be accounted valid. I may call on St. Mary or St. Peter, but they cannot help. All else is ruled out completely. In brief, all other methods are rejected.

Martin… beer is hardly a fit illustration for the uniqueness of Christ’s sacrifice.  You German sot.