Category Archives: Humor
Don’t fret. No one interesting is there this year. All the interesting people will be in Boston next year. Plus, I hear that the book hall will only have books by terrible writers and all the coffee shops are bad and the food places all have giant rats. And, the hotels all are infested with bed bugs. That’s the rumor anyway.
Furthermore, all the papers will be by heretics and pentebabbleists.
So take heart. Don’t feel left out and sad… Don’t get a case of #FOMO. Instead, recognize that only the damned are in San Diego and the redeemed will be in Boston.
Amen. And Amen.
You don’t want to feel sad when a paper triggers you, or when you happen upon some terrible wretch in the book hall, do you? No, you don’t. So pack your Squease vest and inflate it before you see someone who might make you feel bad feels…
I wear two. Because when you room with Chris Tilling, you need 5 but only 2 will fit.
An Episcopal Priest has posted on her timeline on the twitter that it’s something called ‘Ember Day’! Why hasn’t anyone told me about this joyful celebration before? Why have you been keeping this a secret from me, people!
Happy Ember Day! Greetings to all the heretics out there who are less thrilled about it than I am… I’ll see you soon!
22 September 2019
Tenure Report on Philip Melanchthon
Professor Melanchthon arrived in 2018 to teach Greek, a subject in which there were few resources in this region yet one in which we wished to establish a presence, with Leipzig with Peter Mosellanus being our only serious competition in these territories. From the start Professor Melanchthon established himself as a pathbreaker, delivering an inaugural address resplendent in the aura of the new learning that was gaining ground in his undergraduate alma mater Heidelberg and at Tübingen, where he received his MA. Professor Melanchthon’s talents were recognized early on by our colleagues Luther and Spalatin, and although his students had difficulty at first with his Swabian accent, he has proven to be a popular lecturer and a supportive mentor to many students.
Professor Luther formed a strong alliance early on with this younger colleague, who provided valuable aid in theological and linguistic matters. A significant career-development move was his pursuit of the baccalaureus biblicus in 2019, which provided a theological credential alongside his training in the liberal arts. His teaching, almost since his arrival, has included theology as well as classical studies, and he is almost alone among his colleagues in holding that a thorough knowledge of the biblical languages is necessary for competent work in theology. We doubt that faculty mentoring during his probationary period would have changed his mind on this novel and still-controversial matter. Similarly regarding his obstinacy with certain opinions, there have been reports from students who find his use of “sophist” and “papist” for adherents to the older faith offputting, even challenging. Members of the committee recalled the grievance of two years ago, in which Professor Melanchthon’s response (“I could call the pope the Antichrist if you’d prefer, you idolater!”) failed to bring much needed calm to our campus. We can certainly hope for a change in tone as his teaching matures.
The Publication Record raised questions within the committee that we can neither avoid nor easily answer. Without denying that the Loci communes (2016) has been hugely popular, there are concerns about its originality, specifically whether its argument depends on familiarity and agreement with Professor Luther’s work; its use as a textbook in theology, where it follows an unusual arrangement of material; and its failure to count as an example of classical scholarship as conventionally understood. Some in the committee reminded us that a Greek scholar’s proper work is translating Lucian into Latin, or composing Greek epigrams in elegiac couplets. While we cannot deny that Professor Melanchthon’s theological publications have brought welcome attention to our university, we believe that more attention to conventional classical efforts will serve our needs for a European presence in Greek studies. He is currently following a dispute which Professor Luther is carrying on with Erasmus, which may in the future raise questions about the relation of Professor Luther’s theological project with the humanism represented by that Patristics scholar in Basel. Let us be frank, Honorable Rector: the direction of Professor Melanchthon’s work is likely to make Wittenberg better known, in years to come, for theology than for humanistic study. No one is currently reading Statius or Ausonius, and Demosthenes and the rhetorical corpus are being studied by clergy candidates hoping to improve their preaching.
In the category of Service Professor Melanchthon has done more off-campus than on, as we see in his developing of important relationships with the Pirckheimer family in Nuremberg and with the young landgrave of Hesse. Professor Melanchthon has had the guiding hand in the design of the new Latin School in Nuremberg, and is working with Landgraf Philip to create the first “protestant” university, though what that latter term means remains something of a mystery. Certain members of the Committee were concerned that these activities did not sufficiently highlight Professor Melanchthon’s affiliation with our university, with the result that we are missing a uniquely valuable branding opportunity for Wittenberg.
We must, regrettably, report a divided vote on tenure, which according to the Manual of Operations means that decision rests with the Office of the Rector. Professor Melanchthon is unquestionably erudite and energetic, and may in time be ranked with Professor Luther as one of the luminaries of our institution. However, his work is moving increasingly toward promoting and articulating the new theology, with the inevitable result that we will fall in the rankings for humanism behind Louvain, Basel, and even possibly our perennial rival, Leipzig.
Via Ralph Keen (with minor date adjustments by me.)
Popular fact-checking website Snopes.com has announced its first official hard copy Bible: the Snopes Fact Check Study Bible.
The study Bible is designed to undermine your faith at every turn by performing shoddily researched fact checks of every claim the Scriptures make.
“Did Jesus rise from the dead? Fact check: LEGEND,” the notes read in the gospels.
“Is Jesus Christ the Truth? Fact check: FALSE. Snopes is the only verifiable truth,” another callout bubble reads in the Gospel of John.
Jesus’s parables are the target of frequent fact checks in the study Bible, as Snopes authors seem to be unable to tell the difference between Jesus’s obviously allegorical stories and historical narratives. The Bible contains a three-page-long fact check of the story of the prodigal son, for instance, pointing out that no historical evidence was ever found that the character in the parable ever existed.
One well-researched fact check asks whether or not Jesus even existed, concluding that results are “MIXED.” The Snopes Bible points to evidence such as the fact that no one living today has seen Jesus and also that it’d be really inconvenient if His claims about Himself were true.
“If you’ve ever read the Bible and been unsure about what you’re reading, the Snopes Fact Check Study Bible is for you,” said a Snopes spokesperson. “Now you can actually be sure of God’s Word because the infallible Snopes writers are telling you what to believe right there on the page.”
“Is the Snopes Study Bible on sale for $49.99 now? Fact check: TRUE,” the spokesperson concluded.
Because everyone should be included in everything. Making people feel left out- well it’s just not our way anymore.
In celebration of Father’s Day, the nation’s pastors reportedly spent the whole sermon praising fathers, single mothers, people who take care of pets and feel like a father, and also people who take care of a Tamagotchi electronic pet.
“If you’re a father out there, or you feel like a father, or you temporarily want to identify as a father for the sake of being celebrated today, or you’ve ever been within 100 yards of a father, or you have a cat which is kinda like being a father, or you have a Tamagotchi electronic pet you’ve been taking care of since the ’90s, please stand so we can recognize you,” one pastor at a megachurch in Seattle said. “Thank you so much for your service.”
Pastors said they just didn’t want anyone to feel left out.
“What if we have a Father’s Day and celebrate fathers and we make people feel left out because they’re not, you know, a father?” a Des Moines Baptist megachurch told reporters. “We don’t want to exclude anyone by pretending fathers are special just for one day, so we just celebrate everyone.”
“And when everyone’s special, that’s just a great thing,” he added.
Because I feel like you’re testing me. I’m sorely tested…
UPDATE: Carol, a lovely person, says it’s a typo…. On Carol, there’s no such thing… GET BEHIND ME Satan!