The Ultimate Church Split

This is perfect

After a particularly heated membership meeting this past week, the South Lancaster Mennonite Church has decided to split the entire congregation into more manageable units of one.

“At first we decided to just split into two groups: those in favour of buttons on their shirts and those who preferred hooks,” explained Johan Landes, former South Lancaster elder and recently appointed pastor of Johan Landes Memorial Church. “But then the button-users started talking amongst themselves and found they had differences of opinion on baptismal water temperature. Those wanting hot and those wanting cold split into their own groups. So then we had pro-button pro-cold, pro-button anti-cold, anti-button pro-cold and anti-button anti-cold groups. I figured it was settled, but upon further discussion, the groups realized they couldn’t agree on whether to sing five or six hymns each Sunday, and so there was an anti-button anti-cold pro-five group and an anti-button anti-cold pro-six group, and a pro-button anti-cold pro-five group and…well, you get the idea. The groups just kept getting tinier and tinier. Eventually we all decided to each form our own churches…but there was some opposition to this idea, too.”

The once thriving South Lancaster Church is now 250 (253 to be precise) individual churches, although the division has still not stopped.

“This whole starting-your-own-church thing has got me studying theology,” explained Landes. “And now I keeping changing church doctrine every day. I don’t even agree with myself anymore!”

Johan Landes says he has excommunicated his past-self for differences on clerical celibacy, but is concerned that a future version of himself might also disagree.

“Who knows what I might believe this Friday afternoon,” explained Johan Landes. “I always get a little too liberal when the weekend is approaching. Being my own pastor is a lot harder than I thought. You get so much criticism from all sides and it’s almost impossible to get the people to agree.”

Pastor Johan is arranging an ecumenical reconciliation service between his various selves for Sunday morning…although he can’t figure out whether they should use real wine or just Welch’s grape juice.

The ‘Age of Accountability’ is Now 30- For the Millennials…

A national task force of Bible scholars has voted to raise the biblical age of accountability to 30 for late-blooming millennials. According to this decision, millennials who die before age 30 will receive automatic entry into the kingdom of heaven along with complimentary participation trophies.

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson wrote the majority decision for the task force, explaining that it was “no longer practical to assume that the traditional age of accountability—usually around 12 years old—would be the age by which God held millennials responsible for their eternal destiny.”

“Case studies revealed chronic immaturity, lack of rational decision-making skills, embrace of socialism revealing serious mental abnormalities, and a strong desire to spend each pay check on craft beer, artisan coffee beverages, and slouchy beanies,” Dobson added.

The decision was praised by millennials worldwide, who said “Since our circumstances are not our own fault at all, we totally deserve this decision, obviously.”

Perfectly sensible for the snowflake generation.

*Chuckle*

According to sources close to local egalitarian-feminist Jane Stein, the activist for women’s rights had penned a scathing rebuttal of complementarianism Friday morning, but failed to send it to Desiring God after she found herself unable to click the website’s “Submit” button.

“I just started breaking out in a cold sweat when I saw the S-word emblazoned there on my screen, micro-aggressing me,” Stein wrote on her Tumblr account after the incident, sandwiched in between a repost of a popular feminist webcomic and a long rant about a man who had complimented her eyebrows that morning.

“Ugh. Patriarchy is everywhere,” her Tumblr post went on. “It shouldn’t be radical ideology for me to ask that the entire world be a safe space from triggering words like ‘S—-t.’”

At publishing time, The Huffington Post had apologized for the “offensive wording” on its “Submit an Article” page, and fixed the issue by cleansing its entire website of the triggering language.

*Chortle*

Generation Null

Did you know that the latest generation to arrive on the planet, Generation Null, is comprised of an astonishing 95% of babies who don’t do any of the housework or help around the house in any way????  Appalling

Droht der Welt die faulste Generation aller Zeiten? Laut einer internationalen Studie anerkannter Soziologen der Princeton-Universität in den USA beteiligen sich Neugeborene der letzten zwei Jahre kaum bis gar nicht im elterlichen Haushalt. 

“Es ist erschreckend – aber man muss den ab 2014 geborenen Menschen im Bereich häusliche Mithilfe ein vernichtendes Zeugnis ausstellen”, erklärt Studienleiter Howard Whittaker, der Kinder aus 32 Ländern untersuchte, darunter die USA, Kanada sowie mehrere europäische Länder wie Frankreich, die Niederlande und Deutschland. “Selbst zur Erledigung babyleichter Pflichten wie der Hilfe in der Küche, dem Aufräumen des eigenen Zimmers oder dem Entsorgen von Müll zeigt sich die neueste Generation länderübergreifend nicht mehr bereit.”

Die Gründe dafür haben die Wissenschaftler noch nicht hinreichend erforscht. “Problematisch ist, dass die meisten Betroffenen die Gründe für ihre Untätigkeit nicht artikulieren wollen”, so Whittaker. “Wir stehen vor einem Rätsel. Selbst finanzielle Anreize scheinen nicht zu greifen.”

Horrible.

The Bee Stings the Crazy Charismatics

Local Pentecostal Amy Denton is reportedly tired of clarifying that she is not “one of those weird Charismatics” any time someone finds out she is Pentecostal, sources close to her confirmed Wednesday.

Whenever Denton has a conversation with a Christian from a different background, she immediately must clarify that she does not participate in snake handling, ribbon dancing, Spirit slayings, holy laughter, or any of the other bizarre rituals that have characterized much of the extremes of the Charismatic movement.

“I don’t even own a shofar,” an exasperated Denton recently told a Reformed sister in Christ who had asked her about all the “strange fire” that goes on in her church. “We just believe that all the gifts of the Spirit mentioned in the New Testament are active and available today.”

Denton also went on record to state that she does not watch the Trinity Broadcasting Network and further believes that prominent faith healers and prosperity preachers like Creflo Dollar, Kenneth Copeland, and Benny Hinn are false teachers.

At publishing time, Denton admitted that she does raise her hands during worship time.

Come on, man. They’re all weird.

It’s A Shame This Isn’t Real…

Because it should be.

Popular Reformed blogger James K. Earle published a scathing critique of the book of Psalms Monday, slamming the collection of ancient, inspired songs for their emotional nature and tendency to repeat refrains, “often more than once.”

Earle’s post reportedly contained a detailed breakdown of all the times the Psalms mentioned “distracting” emotions like discouragement, sorrow, loneliness, and joy.

“They just don’t seem very God-centered to me,” the blogger wrote. “They really ought to use more big theological words, like 19th century hymns do. That seems a lot more biblical to me.”

Earle also argued that the Psalms frequently repeated phrases, stating that made them “no better than modern worship trash.”

“Just take a look at Psalm 136: the song says ‘His love endures forever’ twenty-five times. Talk about vain repetition!” Earle wrote, adding that he was also uncomfortable with the Psalms’ obsession with God’s love rather than focusing on His wrath and anger.

#ICYMI: NT Wright Ascends to Heaven From Bible Conference in Houston!

Witnesses say that just before he was seen to fly skyward without a rocket pack, he spread out his arms, and then up he went, shouting ‘buy my giant book which is very much like all my other less giant books or the wrath of God will descend onto your unrighteous heads… sinners…’

wright_ascends

Witness stories diverge at this point but many swear that as he disappeared out of sight through a giant hole in the ceiling created by the hurling of his new book through it that he was received either by Chuck Norris or Ryan Seacrest.

He promised to return.  Oh that we will all still be alive when he does…  Meanwhile, many will come in his name, proclaiming his gospel and urging souls to follow Tom’s teachings (also known as TT).  If you want to get to heaven, and spend eternity with Tom, you have to embrace TT.

The Best Kind of Surveillance

In an effort to increase security and reduce costs of surveillance, the city of Lancaster has voted to remove all security cameras and replace them with nosy Mennonite ladies.

“Basically they’ll just do what they already do,” said Lancaster spokesperson Susanna Yoder. “Peer out their windows, watch what’s happening, and tell all their friends at the quilting bee. Eventually it’ll get around to us.”

Yoder says that Mennonite ladies are renowned as a reliable source of information throughout Pennsylvania.

“They always seem to know what’s going on,” said Yoder. “If something’s happening that shouldn’t be happening, they’re bound to take note of it.”

The new measure is estimated to save the state more than $5 billion in security costs, although those savings will be slightly dampened by the increased cost in knitting needles.

“You get three names for a knitting needle. Ten names for two,” said Yoder. “These Mennonite ladies drive a hard bargain, but it’s still cheaper than hiring some dude to watch surveillance tape all day.”

That’ll get the job done.