Witnesses say that just before he was seen to fly skyward without a rocket pack, he spread out his arms, and then up he went, shouting ‘buy my giant book which is very much like all my other less giant books or the wrath of God will descend onto your unrighteous heads… sinners…’
Witness stories diverge at this point but many swear that as he disappeared out of sight through a giant hole in the ceiling created by the hurling of his new book through it that he was received either by Chuck Norris or Ryan Seacrest.
He promised to return. Oh that we will all still be alive when he does… Meanwhile, many will come in his name, proclaiming his gospel and urging souls to follow Tom’s teachings (also known as TT). If you want to get to heaven, and spend eternity with Tom, you have to embrace TT.
In an effort to increase security and reduce costs of surveillance, the city of Lancaster has voted to remove all security cameras and replace them with nosy Mennonite ladies.
“Basically they’ll just do what they already do,” said Lancaster spokesperson Susanna Yoder. “Peer out their windows, watch what’s happening, and tell all their friends at the quilting bee. Eventually it’ll get around to us.”
Yoder says that Mennonite ladies are renowned as a reliable source of information throughout Pennsylvania.
“They always seem to know what’s going on,” said Yoder. “If something’s happening that shouldn’t be happening, they’re bound to take note of it.”
The new measure is estimated to save the state more than $5 billion in security costs, although those savings will be slightly dampened by the increased cost in knitting needles.
“You get three names for a knitting needle. Ten names for two,” said Yoder. “These Mennonite ladies drive a hard bargain, but it’s still cheaper than hiring some dude to watch surveillance tape all day.”
That’ll get the job done.
Local pastor Fr. Ron Porter was forced to stop midway through his homily Sunday morning to passive-aggressively attempt to quiet an unruly toddler.
Porter reportedly stopped several times during the course of his homily before finally telling his parishioners that perhaps “the little one in the back” wanted to go right ahead and finish his homily for him.
“It’s not like I didn’t spend a lot of time on it or anything,” Porter said before chuckling a bit. “You priests out there in the pews know what I mean, right? I’m joking, of course. Cute kid. I wonder what seminary he studied at.”
Parishioner Angelica Wall told EOTT that Porter also went on to suggest that they consider building a cry room, although the parish already has one.
“It actually kinda got weird,” Wall said. “He wasn’t able to get back on track for the rest of the Mass so it’s like he just didn’t wanna let it go. At one point he messed up the words of consecration and jokingly asked if the toddler wanted to come up to the altar to say them for him.”
He’s my people.
With appreciation to the BBC for putting it together, along with others not here included:
Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely no clue that ashes used during Ash Wednesday Masses came from cremated pets. The parish ignoramus, who up until last week didn’t even know that Catholics worship Mary, thought that ashes actually came from branches used in the prior year’s Palm Sunday services, one friends reported to EOTT.
“Elton has never been the sharpest tool in the shed,” longtime friend Richard Tower said. “One time I saw him reading the Bible and I had to stop him and tell him that the Church suppresses Catholics from reading it. I remember him being really confused about this and asking me why we as Christians weren’t allowed to read it. I simply reminded him that we’re Catholics, not Christians. Big difference there.”
Tower went on to point out a few other instances where Price proved himself to be a complete moron, including the time [Price] did not know that the Pope is at all times infallible and impeccable, or that Constantine, not Jesus, actually invented the Catholic Church. At press time, Tower has taken away Price’s science text book, reminding him that science is “Satan’s bible.”
Suddenly, for some reason, I’m thinking of adopting Ash Wednesday as one of my favorite holidays.
Do you remember, by chance, the tv show ‘the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous’? Well there’s a new series coming called ‘the privies of the New Testament Scholars’. It looks to be incredibly exciting. One of their first shows features the privy of none less than NT Wright!
Word on the street is that Mike Bird and Chris Tilling, in their ongoing effort to ‘Be Like Wright’, have copies of this painting in their own privies and in fact James Crossley has it as well! Glory!
An Episcopal Priest has posted on her timeline on the twitter that it’s something called ‘Ember Day’! Why hasn’t anyone told me about this joyful celebration before? Why have you been keeping this a secret from me, people!
Happy Ember Day! Greetings to all the heretics out there who are less thrilled about it than I am… I’ll see you soon!
The just deserved fate of all heretics
Calvin arguing with the first Emergent- Servetus
An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died, he called his doctor, lawyer and minister together around his bedside.
“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you, but I am going to prove you can,” he said. “I have $90,000 cash under my mattress. It’s in three envelopes of $30,000 in each. When I pass on I want each of you to take an envelope and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw your envelope in.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery the minister said, “I just don’t feel exactly right. My conscience hurts me. I’m going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw the $20,000 in the grave.”
The doctor said, “I too, must confess, I am building a hospital and I took $20,000, and threw in only $10,000.
The lawyer said “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could hold out like that. I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
Some of you will get it….