And yes, it’s unisex-
Category Archives: Humor
- Prayer for you- $10
- Prayer for your family- $15
- Prayer for your extended family- $20
- Prayer for ‘the world’- $50
- Prayer for your Pet- $10,000
- Prayers at Community Events, Family Reunions, and all other Non-Church Gatherings- $490,000
- Home Visit- $50
- Hospital Visit- $75
- Hospital Visit +Prayer- $200
- Morning Sermon- $777
- Evening Sermon- $777
- Midweek Prayer Service- $900
- Sunday School Class (Teaching)- $50
- Sunday School Class (Non-Teaching) – $90,000
- Wedding Rehearsal- $500
- Wedding Ceremony-$1000
- Wedding Where a Bridezilla is Present- $10,000
- Counseling- $100,000 per hour
- Funeral for Church Member- $1000
- Funeral for non Church Member- $2000
- Funeral which says nice things about the deceased- $5000
- Business Meetings- $5,500
- Deacons Meetings- $25,000
The price list is non negotiable.
That’s no idle boast, simple readers. It’s sciency stuff. Here’s the proof.
A new study is worrying pastors and other evangelical leaders, as it suggests that fewer and fewer people are pretending to be Christians than ever before.
While in years past, the vast majority of the country pretended to be Christian, that number is shrinking every year, and now only a minority of the country fakes faith in Jesus Christ.
“This is extremely troubling,” said evangelical megachurch pastor Jack Lindsey. “A decade ago, our pews were full of people who went through the motions of pretending to be Christian. But now, the fake believers are all acting like the atheists they are, and our churches are shrinking because of it. If only we could have a fake revival.”
Pastors are trying to come up with ways to combat the decline of fake Christianity, from hosting big carnivals and preaching through movie franchises to serving better coffee and naming their churches after shopping malls and retirement communities. But nothing seems to be working so far, stoking fears that fake Christianity is on its way out permanently. Some have considered preaching the gospel to the unreached, but these people are obviously nuts.
“We’re in a brave new world where people don’t even bother paying lip service to a Jesus they don’t believe in, and I’m not sure I want to live in that kind of country,” said Lindsey.
The majority of Americans attend the ‘Church of the Seed Fallen On Rocky Ground’.
The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years’ worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.
The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.
The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.
The Perfect Pastor is always in the church down the street.
If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors. One of them should be perfect.
Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its’ old pastor back in less than three months.
Don’t fret. No one interesting is there this year. All the interesting people will be in Boston next year. Plus, I hear that the book hall will only have books by terrible writers and all the coffee shops are bad and the food places all have giant rats. And, the hotels all are infested with bed bugs. That’s the rumor anyway.
Furthermore, all the papers will be by heretics and pentebabbleists.
So take heart. Don’t feel left out and sad… Don’t get a case of #FOMO. Instead, recognize that only the damned are in San Diego and the redeemed will be in Boston.
Amen. And Amen.
You don’t want to feel sad when a paper triggers you, or when you happen upon some terrible wretch in the book hall, do you? No, you don’t. So pack your Squease vest and inflate it before you see someone who might make you feel bad feels…
I wear two. Because when you room with Chris Tilling, you need 5 but only 2 will fit.
An Episcopal Priest has posted on her timeline on the twitter that it’s something called ‘Ember Day’! Why hasn’t anyone told me about this joyful celebration before? Why have you been keeping this a secret from me, people!
Happy Ember Day! Greetings to all the heretics out there who are less thrilled about it than I am… I’ll see you soon!
Popular fact-checking website Snopes.com has announced its first official hard copy Bible: the Snopes Fact Check Study Bible.
The study Bible is designed to undermine your faith at every turn by performing shoddily researched fact checks of every claim the Scriptures make.
“Did Jesus rise from the dead? Fact check: LEGEND,” the notes read in the gospels.
“Is Jesus Christ the Truth? Fact check: FALSE. Snopes is the only verifiable truth,” another callout bubble reads in the Gospel of John.
Jesus’s parables are the target of frequent fact checks in the study Bible, as Snopes authors seem to be unable to tell the difference between Jesus’s obviously allegorical stories and historical narratives. The Bible contains a three-page-long fact check of the story of the prodigal son, for instance, pointing out that no historical evidence was ever found that the character in the parable ever existed.
One well-researched fact check asks whether or not Jesus even existed, concluding that results are “MIXED.” The Snopes Bible points to evidence such as the fact that no one living today has seen Jesus and also that it’d be really inconvenient if His claims about Himself were true.
“If you’ve ever read the Bible and been unsure about what you’re reading, the Snopes Fact Check Study Bible is for you,” said a Snopes spokesperson. “Now you can actually be sure of God’s Word because the infallible Snopes writers are telling you what to believe right there on the page.”
“Is the Snopes Study Bible on sale for $49.99 now? Fact check: TRUE,” the spokesperson concluded.