Ladies, I’m Usually on Your Side… But, to you on this Matter, I say REPENT!

In 1674 during the great Coffee War you women were just dead WRONG!  Down with your untrue aspersions on coffee- God’s gift of goodness and joy.  Sinner women, repent!!!!!  Coffee isn’t enfeebling nor liquor!  Sinners!!!!  Away with your scandalous pamphlet and undeserved aspersions!!!!  (photos via the twitter).

If Pastors Priced Services Like Hospitals Do

  • Prayer for you- $10
  • Prayer for your family- $15
  • Prayer for your extended family- $20
  • Prayer for ‘the world’- $50
  • Prayer for your Pet- $10,000
  • Prayers at Community Events, Family Reunions, and all other Non-Church Gatherings- $490,000
  • Home Visit- $50
  • Hospital Visit- $75
  • Hospital Visit +Prayer- $200
  • Morning Sermon- $777
  • Evening Sermon- $777
  • Midweek Prayer Service- $900
  • Sunday School Class (Teaching)- $50
  • Sunday School Class (Non-Teaching) – $90,000
  • Wedding Rehearsal- $500
  • Wedding Ceremony-$1000
  • Wedding Where a Bridezilla is Present- $10,000
  • Counseling- $100,000 per hour
  • Funeral for Church Member- $1000
  • Funeral for non Church Member- $2000
  • Funeral which says nice things about the deceased- $5000
  • Business Meetings- $5,500
  • Deacons Meetings- $25,000

The price list is non negotiable.

Concerning Study Reveals that Fewer People are Pretending to Be Christians

A new study is worrying pastors and other evangelical leaders, as it suggests that fewer and fewer people are pretending to be Christians than ever before.

While in years past, the vast majority of the country pretended to be Christian, that number is shrinking every year, and now only a minority of the country fakes faith in Jesus Christ.

“This is extremely troubling,” said evangelical megachurch pastor Jack Lindsey. “A decade ago, our pews were full of people who went through the motions of pretending to be Christian. But now, the fake believers are all acting like the atheists they are, and our churches are shrinking because of it. If only we could have a fake revival.”

Pastors are trying to come up with ways to combat the decline of fake Christianity, from hosting big carnivals and preaching through movie franchises to serving better coffee and naming their churches after shopping malls and retirement communities. But nothing seems to be working so far, stoking fears that fake Christianity is on its way out permanently. Some have considered preaching the gospel to the unreached, but these people are obviously nuts.

“We’re in a brave new world where people don’t even bother paying lip service to a Jesus they don’t believe in, and I’m not sure I want to live in that kind of country,” said Lindsey.

The majority of Americans attend the ‘Church of the Seed Fallen On Rocky Ground’.

The Perfect Pastor

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years’ worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

The Perfect Pastor is always in the church down the street.

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1, 643 pastors. One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its’ old pastor back in less than three months.

Dear Friends who are NOT Attending SBL in San Diego

Don’t fret.  No one interesting is there this year.  All the interesting people will be in Boston next year.  Plus, I hear that the book hall will only have books by terrible writers and all the coffee shops are bad and the food places all have giant rats.  And, the hotels all are infested with bed bugs.  That’s the rumor anyway.

Furthermore, all the papers will be by heretics and pentebabbleists.

So take heart.  Don’t feel left out and sad…  Don’t get a case of #FOMO.  Instead, recognize that only the damned are in San Diego and the redeemed will be in Boston.

Amen.  And Amen.

Happy Ember Day!

An Episcopal Priest has posted on her timeline on the twitter that it’s something called ‘Ember Day’!  Why hasn’t anyone told me about this joyful celebration before?  Why have you been keeping this a secret from me, people!

Happy Ember Day!  Greetings to all the heretics out there who are less thrilled about it than I am… I’ll see you soon!