Category Archives: Heresy and Heretics

The Bee Stings Furtick’s Self Aggrandizing Ways

Sources within Elevation Church, who noted that “he was really on fire,” have confirmed that Pastor Steven Furtick preached a long, moving sermon last Sunday which was entirely about how good he was preaching.

Man I’m preaching good today,” he is said to have begun, before repeating several slightly-modified versions of the same statement and pumping his fist in the air.

“Whew! I’m preaching good!” he continued to explain to rousing applause. “Lord Jesus, I don’t know why they’re all being so quiet, because I know I’m preaching good right now! C’mon, somebody!”

As he went on to exegete his feelings about how good he was preaching, he revealed that he wasn’t sure everyone quite understood how good he was preaching, before instructing each person present to repeat to him that he was, indeed, preaching good, as he ran through the aisles yelling.

“Turn to your neighbor and say ‘Pastor Steven’s really preaching good’ seven times right now,” he then instructed his congregation once back at the pulpit, adding that they should then turn to their other neighbor and repeat the same phrase 77 times. “Now touch 3 people and say ‘Pastor Steven is preaching so good’ 777 times!” he demanded, to wild cheers.

At publishing time, an inside source confirmed that the sermon resulted in 39 commitments to Elevation Church.

39 of those were shills planted by Furtick to boost his numbers.

Osteen, Jakes, White, Bell, and the Rest of the False Teachers

These people are counterfeit apostles, dishonest workers disguising themselves as apostles of Christ.  There is nothing astonishing in this; even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.  It is nothing extraordinary, then, when his servants disguise themselves as the servants of uprightness. They will come to the end appropriate to what they have done. (2 Cor. 11:13-15)

No, heretic, it does not.

This Woman Should Keep Silent in, and About, the Church

It’s not surprising that Voskamp has said something irretrievably nonsensical- it’s surprising that people ‘liked’ what she said.  She is a heretic.  Let me say that more clearly so her admirers are left with no illusions: Ann Voskamp is a new age crystal gazing Joel Osteen-esque heretic whose teachings are cancer to the body of Christ.  This woman should keep silent in, and about, the Church.

There.  You’ve been warned.  If you continue to hear her, your blood is on your own hands.

#ICYMI: NT Wright Ascends to Heaven From Bible Conference in Houston!

Witnesses say that just before he was seen to fly skyward without a rocket pack, he spread out his arms, and then up he went, shouting ‘buy my giant book which is very much like all my other less giant books or the wrath of God will descend onto your unrighteous heads… sinners…’

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Witness stories diverge at this point but many swear that as he disappeared out of sight through a giant hole in the ceiling created by the hurling of his new book through it that he was received either by Chuck Norris or Ryan Seacrest.

He promised to return.  Oh that we will all still be alive when he does…  Meanwhile, many will come in his name, proclaiming his gospel and urging souls to follow Tom’s teachings (also known as TT).  If you want to get to heaven, and spend eternity with Tom, you have to embrace TT.

NT Wright: Marcionite

Wright’s view of God aligns perfectly with Marcion and completely opposite of the Prophets and the Gospels themselves.

Nope- I just Don’t Have Any Interest In  A Book About An Apostate

#PrayForChristophsBook

There are monsters in the world.  Monsters who think books are coasters.  Wicked monsters.  #PrayForChristophsBook.  Pray it be delivered from the monster who thinks it’s a coaster.

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More ‘Second Coming’ Prediction Madness

These people should just stop.  But they seem incapable of it, driven by some sort of demonically induced madness.

An Israeli Rabbi has claimed that the biblical prophecy of Balaam, which says that the appearance of a new star will precede the coming of the Messiah, matches an astronomical event that scientists predict will occur in 2022. Although the Jewish faith does not believe that Jesus is the Messiah, some Christians have interpreted the Rabbi’s prediction as proof that Jesus’ second coming will occur in 2022.

Rabbi Yosef Berger of King David’s Tomb on Mount Zion claimed that biblical prophecy of Balaam and “Jewish esoteric sources” show that the astronomical event predicted for 2022, the collision of two stars to form a brand new star in the night sky, will herald the arrival of the Messiah. The astronomical event fulfills an ancient prophetic sign of the coming of the Messiah, the Rabbi claimed, according to Breaking Israel News.

Rabbi Berger claimed that Balaam’s prophecy and other Jewish mystical sources say that the coming of the Messiah will be preceded by heavenly signs involving multiple stars. The ancient prophecy of the arrival of the Messiah matches recent predictions by astronomers that a dazzling display from a red nova explosion will appear in the sky in 2022, following the collision of two faint stars in the constellation of Cygnus, according to the Rabbi.

Lunacy.  When 2022 comes and goes I hope this guy has the courage to admit he is a liar.

Meanwhile, Among American ‘Evangelicals’…

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The Pentebabbleist Nutbag Who Thinks Trump is Either the ‘Messiah’ Or His Forerunner…

You can’t make up this kind of heretical word vomit even if you try.  Only hell can invent such madness.

Televangelist Jim Bakker hosted several fellow End Times preachers on his television program today to discuss the prophetic implications of the presidential election.

One of Bakker’s guests, Tom Horn, a prolific author of Last Days-themed books, spent an entire segment of the program explaining that “rabbis” have revealed that Trump may be the messiah, or a harbinger to the arrival of the messiah akin to John the Baptist.

“They’re looking at Donald Trump” as the messiah, Horn said of “the rabbis,” saying that Trump’s name “actually means ‘messiah.’”

Among the clues that Trump may be the messiah, he said, is that the president-elect is a kingly and warrior-like leader committed to protecting Israel and, according to Horn, rebuilding the Temple of Jerusalem.

Horn said that if Trump is not the messiah, then he is likely “the forerunner” to the messiah who “will start the message in the wilderness and the messiah is going to come in on his heels.”

Pentebabbleism is heresy purely and simply and its adherents nothing but Montanists.  Trump isn’t messianic or the forerunner of anything messianic.  He’s evil.

End Time Predicting Lunatics

A conspiracy theorist has claimed that Jesus will return to Earth this month, guiding his people to heaven and leaving the planet totally sterile for 1,000 years.  Nora Roth, a Christian computer programmer, says she has performed complex calculations which suggest the apocalypse will occur by the end of 2016.  At that point, ‘everlasting righteousness will be brought in’, and Earth will be ‘left to rest’ for a millennium.

Shut up.  Bloody dilettantes.  This is clearly a woman who should ‘keep silent in the Church’.

The claims have been made on Ms Roth’s website, MarkBeast, in a post called ‘2016 The Time of the End.’  Ms Roth writes: ‘In the fall [autumn] of 2016, the 6,000 years of sin on earth will come to an end, everlasting righteousness will be brought in, and Jesus will come again to take His people to heaven.’

Shut up.  Bloody dilettantes.

The Real St. Nick…

Would punch you in the face if you were a heretic, like Arius, and Servetus, and no doubt Wesley, and TD Jakes, and Joel Osteen, and Joyce Meyer, and just about each and every Pentebabbleist that has ever lived.  Nick wasn’t fond of heretics.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s gonna punch your face if you’re heretical.

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So You Still Don’t Think Paula White is a Heretic?

Then you don’t know jack about Christianity.

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via Chris T.

Exciting News for the Lazy Pastor!

Why work on a sermon when you can visit this website and get outlines and ideas and illustrations!!!!  Inspire your church with your skills of plagiarism!

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Twitter Theology That Makes Me Sigh: The Scottsdale Church That’s Marketing Baptism

And the sad thing is, they don’t even know how wrong this is or why.

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It isn’t surprising that the heretic Driscoll is involved though.

NT Wright, A Neighborhood Park, And a Frightened Child

wrightEarlier today whilst a small child was walking through the park a meeting of the NT Wright admiration society was meeting and adjourned just as the toddler went past their picnic bench.  The 3 members of the society in attendance along with Prof Wright himself began moving innocently towards their cars when the little girl was suddenly startled by Prof. Wright’s breaking into a light jog (so as to work off his bean burrito from the Taco Bell)  and she herself began to sprint towards her parents weeping uncontrollably.

Reports from the scene insisted that it was a simple misunderstanding between a jogging Wright and a startled child.  In an attempt to make up for the accidental startling, Prof Wright promised to send a signed copy of each of his books to the girl’s home.  The youngster declined, saying ‘I love Jesus’.

You Reap What You Sow, Chris Tilling…

Many of you will know how Chris Tilling cruelly abandoned our lifelong friendship to hitch his wagon to Doug Campbell (roomie thief) for SBL 2016 in San Antonio.

Well, to prove the old adage ‘you reap what you sow’, it turns out that Tilling was massively dissed by Campbell (roomie thief) during a Wipf and Stock interview- saying, as you’ll see, that Tilling ‘is a joke’!

Cruel!  And Unusual!  PUNISHMENT!  #Glory. #TakeThatYouWretch.

Chris Tilling Has Dumped Me For Doug Campbell…

Shocking news came yesterday through a ‘Dear John’ letter from Christ Tilling- my former SBL roomie – that he was dumping me to instead get a room provided by Doug *The Apple CEO Lookalike* Campbell.  We’ve roomed together a long time. In fact, we’ve roomed together at SBL when we’ve both been there from back in the days when Tilling was a Grad student.

But now he’s dumped me.  And I’m heartbroken.  So if I’m super moody the next couple of months it’s because of it.  And if you see me at SBL in San Antonio don’t be surprised if I snap your head off if you speak to me.  I’ll be fuming.  Bloody abandonment.  #RoomingAlone.  #TillingIsAMeanie.  #ITakeShowers.  #HeClogsDrains.

Here’s their engagement picture…  the swine….

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Campell swearing eternal love to Tilling in return for an endorsement…

The Myth of the Solitary Worshipper

There is no theological or scriptural justification for the notion that ‘church’ can be comprised of one person, in spite of any meme’s claim to the contrary.  Jesus said ‘where two or three…, etc.’ not ‘where there is one.’

One person isn’t a church.  And a church is never one person. Ever.

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Nadia Bolz-Weber Turns Pentecost Sunday into a Farce…

And shows how much more important it is to be theatrical (in her mind anyway) than to be substantive.  Because nothing says Pentecost like confetti shot from confetti guns…

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Τοῦτο δὲ γίνωσκε, ὅτι ἐν ἐσχάταις ἡμέραις ἐνστήσονται καιροὶ χαλεποί.  ἔσονται γὰρ οἱ ἄνθρωποι φίλαυτοι, φιλάργυροι, ἀλαζόνες, ὑπερήφανοι, βλάσφημοι, γονεῦσιν ἀπειθεῖς, ἀχάριστοι, ἀνόσιοι,  ἄστοργοι, ἄσπονδοι, διάβολοι, ἀκρατεῖς, ἀνήμεροι, ἀφιλάγαθοι, προδόται, προπετεῖς, τετυφωμένοι, φιλήδονοι μᾶλλον ἢ φιλόθεοι, ἔχοντες μόρφωσιν εὐσεβείας, τὴν δὲ δύναμιν αὐτῆς ἠρνημένοι. καὶ τούτους ἀποτρέπου. ἐκ τούτων γάρ εἰσιν οἱ ἐνδύνοντες εἰς τὰς οἰκίας καὶ αἰχμαλωτίζοντες γυναικάρια σεσωρευμένα ἁμαρτίαις, ἀγόμενα ἐπιθυμίαις ποικίλαις,  πάντοτε μανθάνοντα, καὶ μηδέποτε εἰς ἐπίγνωσιν ἀληθείας ἐλθεῖν δυνάμενα. — (2 Tim. 3:1-7)