That’s why he’s so beloved of the Emergents and Seekers and RHE-ers and Osteenites and Oprahanity.
Category Archives: sarcasm
In an altruistic act meant to help Americans currently being bombarded with extremely cold weather, Joel Osteen personally offered to warm up the entire country with his lungs’ nearly inexhaustible supply of hot air.
Osteen stated he would plant himself in the middle of the coldest parts of the country and simply begin preaching one of his feel-good messages, the hot air wooshing from his mouth being almost guaranteed to warm up everyone in the nation.
“Frankly, we’re likely to see some extreme heat after Osteen starts preaching one of his inspirational messages,” one climatologist told reporters. “We’re a little frightened of the possible effects on our fragile ecosystems.”
One projection suggested that a simple 30-minute message on Jeremiah 29:11 preached by Mr. Osteen would be enough to melt the northern polar ice cap, all of Antarctica, and even potentially the polar ice caps all the way over on the planet Mars.
At publishing time, the impressive show of hot air had compelled the showrunners of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade to get Joel Osteen on retainer for this November, so that he could blow up each float before the parade began.
After a particularly heated membership meeting this past week, the South Lancaster Mennonite Church has decided to split the entire congregation into more manageable units of one.
“At first we decided to just split into two groups: those in favour of buttons on their shirts and those who preferred hooks,” explained Johan Landes, former South Lancaster elder and recently appointed pastor of Johan Landes Memorial Church. “But then the button-users started talking amongst themselves and found they had differences of opinion on baptismal water temperature. Those wanting hot and those wanting cold split into their own groups. So then we had pro-button pro-cold, pro-button anti-cold, anti-button pro-cold and anti-button anti-cold groups. I figured it was settled, but upon further discussion, the groups realized they couldn’t agree on whether to sing five or six hymns each Sunday, and so there was an anti-button anti-cold pro-five group and an anti-button anti-cold pro-six group, and a pro-button anti-cold pro-five group and…well, you get the idea. The groups just kept getting tinier and tinier. Eventually we all decided to each form our own churches…but there was some opposition to this idea, too.”
The once thriving South Lancaster Church is now 250 (253 to be precise) individual churches, although the division has still not stopped.
“This whole starting-your-own-church thing has got me studying theology,” explained Landes. “And now I keeping changing church doctrine every day. I don’t even agree with myself anymore!”
Johan Landes says he has excommunicated his past-self for differences on clerical celibacy, but is concerned that a future version of himself might also disagree.
“Who knows what I might believe this Friday afternoon,” explained Johan Landes. “I always get a little too liberal when the weekend is approaching. Being my own pastor is a lot harder than I thought. You get so much criticism from all sides and it’s almost impossible to get the people to agree.”
Pastor Johan is arranging an ecumenical reconciliation service between his various selves for Sunday morning…although he can’t figure out whether they should use real wine or just Welch’s grape juice.
Witnesses say that just before he was seen to fly skyward without a rocket pack, he spread out his arms, and then up he went, shouting ‘buy my giant book which is very much like all my other less giant books or the wrath of God will descend onto your unrighteous heads… sinners…’
Witness stories diverge at this point but many swear that as he disappeared out of sight through a giant hole in the ceiling created by the hurling of his new book through it that he was received either by Chuck Norris or Ryan Seacrest.
He promised to return. Oh that we will all still be alive when he does… Meanwhile, many will come in his name, proclaiming his gospel and urging souls to follow Tom’s teachings (also known as TT). If you want to get to heaven, and spend eternity with Tom, you have to embrace TT.
Every month we’ve a theme here and this month is no different at all. What is different is that the theme is a single source of biblical and theological information. That source? The Babylon Bee. The Bee stings the craziness that tries to pass itself off as sensible Christian thought and it does it so very well that in terms of its ability to mock, it excels. It surpasses the Eye of the Tiber and the Onion, in fact. Indeed, it is not even too much to claim that the Bee does a better job at theology than most theologians.
So, for your pleasure and entertainment- here’s the best of the Babylon Bee from the month of July. Each entry is a teaser and you’re encouraged to read the entire piece:
July commenced with a right good stinging of the several crazies who think that America is in the Bible! GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—“Truly inspired and deeply moved” by his church’s patriotic 4th of July service, and particularly his pastor’s message, titled “The Shining City Upon A Hill,” local man Jim Radcliffe announced Monday his intention to launch into a comprehensive study of every mention of the United States of America in the entire Bible.
One of the things that’s been happening lately is the boasting of ‘Evangelical’ ‘leaders’ about their relationship with Donald Trump. Jerry Falwell Jr is a premier example of this sort of thing but James Dobson broke into the top rungs of craziness when he claimed that Paula White led Trump to Christ. took notice, writing – NEW YORK, NY—Has the elder god Cthulhu become a born-again Christian? That’s what one of America’s most popular evangelicals, Dr. James Dobson, claimed recently during an “Evangelicals For Cthulhu” event in New York City.
Along with all the other sorts of nuttbaggery there are also pretend bible scholars who like to find ‘codes’ in the text. Here, the Bee shows the ignorance of that sort – GALVESTON, TX—After studying the Scriptures through the lens of numerology for over three decades, Bible teacher and self-proclaimed prophet Jebidiah Benson has announced a stunning find. An ancient Bible code hidden in the Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic texts appears to record a rudimentary recipe for making chicken casseroles.
Scholars sometimes don’t do a very good job of communicating with the average Joe. Sadly, filling the gap has fallen to the heretics and lunatics and those lot have written a ton of rubbish. One Church had the good idea, though, of having a heretical book buyback… SAN ANTONIO, TX—“No questions asked,” the sign reads above the booth proudly set up inside Alamo Heights Bible Church’s foyer. The booth is the heart and soul of the church’s new heretical book buyback program, which pays gift cards, cash, or church bookstore credit in exchange for undesirable books of questionable or downright heretical content.
Pseudo-scholarly premillennialist rubbish was savaged by the Bee: ALEXANDRIA, VA—A spokesperson for the Salvation Army Family Store confirmed Wednesday that the popular line of thrift shops will no longer be accepting donations in the rapture fiction genre. “We have enough Left Behind books to pave the parking lot,” the representative stated in a press release. “Our store managers have been instructed to turn away any donations of fictional works set in or around the time of Christ’s return, on sight. We simply cannot afford the liabilities involved with the upkeep and storage of teetering towers of books describing the fiery wrath of God on the earth from the perspective of one-dimensional characters. And don’t get me started on the film adaptations.”
It’s truly sad that ‘Left Behind’ is read more widely than the Bible. But that says more about the readers than the Bible.
It’s a truism that many pastors are more interested in exalting themselves than exegeting the biblical text. So kudos to the Bee for stinging that sort of misappropriation of the bible. LEXINGTON, KY—By dramatically re-telling a story about his involvement in helping a woman after she was in a car accident, Pastor Chuck Vickery of New Hope Christian Church was amazingly able to make himself the hero of a sermon on election he delivered Sunday morning, sources confirmed.
Molech is alive and well and should really be on the Supreme Court… WASHINGTON, D.C.—Growing anxious that the Senate would not approve previous nominee Judge Merrick Garland, President Barack Obama announced Thursday that he would be pushing through newly selected nominee Molech of Canaan to be the nation’s 113th Supreme Court justice. Extra points to the Bee for their shout out to Molech.
The terribleness of self centered theological perceptions is lambasted by the Bee in this spectacular pounding– I say God is an illusion. You insist he is real. Well OK then, Christian—I’ve got a challenge for you. A very simple request. Show me some evidence. Just show me some evidence. That’s all I ask. Show me some clear, undeniable evidence that God’s opinions about everything are identical to mine. Do that and I will gladly believe in your God and commit my life to him. If you can’t prove to me that literally none of God’s thoughts, words, or actions from eternity past until now would bother me, agitate me, or make me uncomfortable in any way, then why are we still talking? What’s the point? That pretty much exemplifies agnostic/ atheist thought.
The Bee is at its best when it recognizes the modern political implications of biblical imagery– as it does in this mid month piece on the Republican National Convention: CLEVELAND, OH—In what is being called an apparent sign of the apocalypse, Lake Erie turned to blood as day one of the Republican National Convention kicked off Monday, multiple sources confirmed.
One of the most popular (among the far right) is a movement called ‘complementarianism’. What is it? It’s the notion that a woman’s place is in the home raising a quiver full of children and schooling them at home so they aren’t corrupted by the society they inhabit. And the Bee stings it quite nicely here: JOPLIN, MO—A local complementarian man, who firmly believes and often espouses that it’s his job to protect his family and love them like Christ loves the church, made an exception to his role of leadership Wednesday morning as a “big scary spider” was spotted under his bathroom sink, sources confirmed. The man, identified as 44-year-old Ivan Rogers, immediately abandoned his deep-seated beliefs and asked his wife, Judy, to take care of the horrifying creature while he hid in the other room.
One of the most bizarre aspects of ‘theology’ these days is its appearance on Facebook. So kudos to the Bee for mocking what so richly deserves it: ATLANTA, GA—What is not known is how Shayna Hinton, 35, knows the sweet little girl in the photo she shared on Facebook Monday. What is known is that the young girl in the picture has a “rare” and “deadly” disease that God will heal as long as Hinton’s Facebook post telling the world about her reaches one million likes.
Pretty much the worst place you can go to find substantive theological books is the local ‘Christian Book Store’. So the Bee stings such establishments by suggesting they open a new section called ‘the false teaching’ section. GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Responding to customer complaints alleging that works from well-known false teachers were mixed in with biblically sound material in the company’s bookstores, Family Christian Stores announced Tuesday morning that all books by apostates will be immediately removed from their shelves and separated into their own easy-to-find section. It turns out that most of the store has been moved to that new grouping.
Once again, it’s important to note (and perhaps it will goad actual theologians into action) that the Bee does a better job than most academics in pointing out the ludicrousness of popularized Christianity. Theologians and biblical scholars should be doing it.
It’s the exciting story of how wanting to find something with all your heart that lends support to one of your pet theories results in shoddy scholarship and utter embarrassment. Starring Karin Keeng and Antonio Banderas!
You’ll want to take your kids to see it!
The Bee stings pseudo-christianity again.
In the wake of presidential candidate Donald Trump’s call for the GOP to moderate its position on abortion, Liberty University president and influential Evangelical Jerry Falwell, Jr. affirmed his support for Trump, calling upon Christians to “remember the words of Christ, which I’m paraphrasing: ‘Deny your conscience, take up your guns, and follow Trump.’”
At a Thursday press conference, Falwell downplayed Trump’s abortion shift. “We all know the story of the woman caught in adultery, when Jesus encouraged the Pharisees to moderate their position on stoning, right? As long as Trump doesn’t change his position on firearms, brothers and sisters, he’s got my hearty endorsement.”
He went on to double down on his firm belief in Trump’s Christianity. “Some people make fun of him for saying ‘Two Corinthians,’ but that’s just a nickname. That’s how much Donald Trump loves the Bible—he has nicknames for all the books. I wished I loved the Bible as much as Donald Trump!”
A former Tennessee lawyer filed a lawsuit in Texas claiming the state is preventing him from marrying his laptop. Mark “Chris” Sevier claims Harris County, Texas Governor Greg Abbott and Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton are getting in the way of his 14th amendment right, according to The Houston Chronicle. The lawsuit says Sevier wants to marry his 2011 MacBook. However, his request for a marriage license was rejected by Harris County. Sevier has filed similar lawsuits in Tennessee, Utah and Florida.
Marriage equality for one subgroup means marriage equality for all subgroups…. right? because who has the right to tell people what they can or can’t love… right? Right?
Oh darn, there’s that dreaded law of unintended consequences again. If only someone had seen it coming…
As the Babylon Bee reports
Seemingly unmoved by the clear pronouncement that if he loved Jesus he would share it, stone-hearted man Jeff Bandy reportedly noticed a Jesus meme while checking his Facebook feed early Monday, read it in its entirety, and then continued on scrolling without sharing the image.
Sources report that the Facebook post clearly laid out, over a picture of Jesus, that The Lord Himself had seen Bandy read the meme, and that if he loved Him, he would prove that love by sharing the post with his Facebook following. Despite the meme’s clarity that God Himself was watching intently to note Bandy’s next move, the man’s heart of granite compelled him to scroll right past the image without so much as a “like.”
“If you love Jesus, share this post—it doesn’t get much simpler than that,” lamented Jared Cabrera, the man who created the meme, when reached for comment. “Moments like this separate the sheep from the goats, and this man is clearly a false believer. I pray that God will crack his hard heart, causing him to reconsider this blatant and grievous denial of The Lord.”
Thanks… a lot… ya prats….
We are indeed born naked into this world and with a hairless skin, although the rest of the animals all bring with them their fur, hair, feathers, and scales. Therefore we must have the shade of houses against the heat of the sun, and a variety of garments against rain, hail, and snow.
Adam would have experienced none of these things; but just as the human eyes still have this characteristic that they are affected neither by cold nor by heat, so at that time the entire body would have been protected against cold. And, even better in many ways, Eve, our mother, would have sat among us naked; and no one would have been offended by the nakedness of her breasts and the other parts of the body, of which we must now be ashamed and which, because of sin, kindle lust. –Martin Luther
Wow!!! Got this personal email, addressed to me, just now. I don’t think I can make it, but man, I sure wish I could. I feel so special!
In 90 days, people will caucus in Iowa.
There’s a lot to get done before then, but before things get crazier than they already are, I want to set aside some quality time for a few of my best supporters.
If you have some time, I’d love to sit down for dinner with you, Jim.
I wish I could have a dinner like this every week. Getting to know you, why you’re excited about this campaign, and maybe hearing about what your son or daughter wants to be when they grow up makes me want to fight harder for you in this election.
The campaign will take care of the logistics — all you have to do is say you’d like to be there and you’ll be entered for a chance to win.
I hope I get the chance to meet you over dinner!
Appalling…. What kind of terrorists are his parents allowing him to become?
Local police chief Ronald Defray announced today that charges will not be filed against Arthur Koch, the Mater Dei Catholic high school freshman arrested Monday after he brought what school officials and police described as a “paper-looking bomb thingy” on campus.
At a press conference early this morning, Defray said the device, confiscated by an English teacher despite Koch’s insistence that it was a liturgical calendar, was “certainly suspicious in nature.” “The student showed the calendar to a teacher who was concerned that it was possibly the infrastructure for some sort of new paper bomb or something that could be hardened and made into a jail-like shank/sword or something devout Catholics like Koch might’ve used during the Inquisition to torture and kill infidels,” Defray said.
School officials questioned Arthur about the calendar and why he had brought it to school, but after Koch told them it was simply a liturgical calendar and nothing more, he was then handcuffed and taken to the local juvenile detention center. “The follow-up investigation revealed the calendar apparently was a homemade project, and there’s no evidence to support the perception he intended to create alarm,” Defray said, who went on to describe the event as a “naive accident.”
Watch out Eric…. there are those waiting in the wings (with air nurse wings!) to dethrone you as the premier American digger.
UPDATE: Oh boy….
Authors Aaron Judkins and Michael McDaniel talked about their new book, Alien Agenda, and how it relates to forbidden archaeology, UFOs, the Nephilim, and the coming of the Antichrist. Detailing the origins of his research, Judkins, an archaeologist, explained that he was intrigued by the preponderance of winged serpents and discs depicted by ancient cultures throughout the world. McDaniel, a theologian, traced his interest to meeting an alleged abductee and a subsequent investigation of the Bible where he found references to the UFO phenomenon. Both authors contended that UFOs are malevolent, with Judkins suggesting that the elusive nature of the phenomenon portends a sinister agenda and McDaniel connecting them to a long term plan hatched by Satan.
I think that pretty much says it all…
Blogger Who Wrote Scathing Post On ‘Laudato Si’ Considering Reading Encyclical For Himself. Catholic blogger Dermot McHenry, who wrote a scornful attack on Laudato Si yesterday, reported this morning that he was now about ready to consider actually reading the encyclical for himself. “The thing is like 180 pages long or something like that,” McHenry told EOTT. “And since I’m not a big fan of Francis or the whole global warming thing, or reading long posts, I thought the best thing to do was to simply read what other commentators were saying and to eloquently regurgitate what I read, form a nice little narrative that would make my readers happy, and then to post it with a bunch of bold words everywhere.”
Yup- just like bloggers I know who talk about Bultmann or Barth, or Wright for that matter.