Category Archives: pseudo-theology

The Rachel Held Evans Emergent ‘Christian’ ‘Confession’ of ‘Faith’

Others helped, but it’s pretty clear that the document is largely hers much the same way that the Barmen Declaration is Barth’s even though many others ‘contributed’ to it…

A new catechism released by a coalition of several progressive, mainline denominations Tuesday consists solely of 107 questions, without a single answer to any of them, sources confirmed.

Liberal priests, scholars, and ministers from mainline Episcopal, Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian traditions gathered to pound out the document full of bold theological questions that they then refuse to answer in any way.

The catechism will allow progressive Christians to memorize several new questions each week of the year, but will not oppress believers with any “toxic” concrete answers.

“What is our only hope in life and death? Seriously, anybody know?” question #1 reads, setting the tone for the remainder of the document.

Other thought-provoking questions in the teaching tool include the following:

  • Q2: What is God? Anyone? Bueller?
  • Q84: What does every sin deserve, other than unquestioning, breathless affirmation?
  • Q86: What is faith in Jesus Christ? Did he even exist? What does it all mean?
  • Q107: What if we’re all just part of a big video game simulation, bro?

During a vape break at the conference, one episcopal priest told journalists, “We want God’s people to follow Her with deeds, not creeds. This teaching guide is perfect for clergy that want their congregations to ask the big ‘God’ questions, without ever providing any kind of solid answer to any of them.” She further stated that the document will encourage the “spirit of doubt” that Christ wanted His people to develop in their spiritual walk.

“After all, isn’t that what it’s all about?” she added as she took an pensive puff of her avocado-flavored vaping fluid. “Seriously, is it? I have no idea.”

This is ‘Not the Onion’… ‘Animal Universalism’

Evidently there are really people this utterly insane, writing books, for Oxford University Press….

“We think that there is good reason to believe that all animals shall be ushered into heaven and remain there for eternity. We therefore defend Animal Universalism:   Animal Universalism: All sentient animals will be brought into heaven and remain there for eternity.”  – Shawn Graves, Blake Hereth, and Tyler M. John, ‘In Defence of Animal Universalism’, Paradise Understood: New Philosophical Essays about Heaven, ed. T. Ryan Byerly and Eric J. Silverman (OUP, 2017), p. 161

‘Not.  The.  Onion.’  (Via Deane Galbraith on the FB).

Sermons for Sale

If your pastor buys his sermons, either from audio sales points or sermon books, fire him today.  Any pastor who doesn’t work out their own sermons from their own encounter at first hand with the biblical text isn’t a pastor, he’s a parrot.

photo via Michael Jones

Kevin Swanson Is Not a Christian Pastor

Kevin Swanson Blames Larry Nassar Sexual Assault Scandal On The Fact That Gymnastics ‘Involves A Fair Amount Of Immodesty’.

You read that right.

But Christians don’t blame the victims and Pastors don’t lie. So Swanson isn’t a Christian or a Pastor.

On his radio program today, extremist anti-LGBTQ pastor Kevin Swanson attributed USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar’s sexual abuse of more than 150 women and girls he treated, in part, to the fact that gymnastics encourages “a fair amount of immodesty.”

Citing a variety of supposed dangers, such as the use of open showers, Swanson warned Christian parents against allowing their children to participate in sports because “sports tend to focus on the body.”

“There is an infatuation with the body,” he said, “and, of course, the sexual aspects of the body as well. Some sports encourage immodesty, revealing large portions of the body and this happens in some sports. These are the risky sports. Here they are, what are the risky sports? Gymnastics. Gymnastics and swimming. These are the sports in which there is an added risk.”

“Why are all of the gymnasts [at] more of a risk than other sports?” Swanson asked. “Do you really want your daughters involved in a sport that involves a fair amount of immodesty in which red-blooded American male coaches are interacting with these girls? Or, worse yet, where the infatuation of the body eventually effects the lesbian coaches?”

Swanson credited the “providence of God” for bringing to light the revelations about Nassar because “God is not going to put up with 20 years of this.”

The real mystery is why God allows these people to preach.

The Demeaning of Prayer

Prayer is demeaned when it is posted on an internet social media site because 1) it is aimed not at God, but at people; and 2), because God doesn’t use twitter or facebook or even have or need a computer.

Prayer is also demeaned when it is incoherent.  ‘Heavenly Father Lord’ is addressed in the second person and then ‘God’ is discussed in the third person- as though whoever ‘Heavenly Father Lord’ is, is not God.  ‘HFL’ has made a way for us to worship God?

Prayer is also demeaned when it is rambling.  ‘We welcome you into our life praying for a better life and a new life’?  Why?  And who is doing the praying?  We, or ‘HFL’ who sort of introduces us to God and whom we welcome into our lives so they can be better and new?  Is that really the purpose of discipleship?  ‘better’ lives?  How so?

Prayer is also demeaned when Jesus is dragged in as a mere footnote.  ‘In Jesus’s name’ means, in biblical terms, in his authority.  But such a prayer as that above, in its incoherent, demeaning, rambling silliness is hardly something Jesus would pray.

‘Teach us to pray’ is the only prayer this young lady, and her like, should be praying.  ‘Go into your closet’ and pray, and keep it off the internet.  Because when it’s on the internet, it isn’t prayer at all.  It’s self aggrandizement.

Pentebabbleists Are Insane

Since October 2017, over 2300 Texans have died due to the flu. In the face of that fact, Gloria Copeland, wife of word of faith preacher Kenneth Copeland, took to Facebook yesterday to declare that there is no flu season.

Although she doesn’t explicitly discourage getting a flu shot, it certainly sounds like she wants her hearers to trust Jesus instead of a shot. In the video, she says:

We’ve already had out shot. He bore out sicknesses and carried our diseases. That’s what we stand on. And by His stripes, we are healed.

After she prays for healing for every person with the flu, she says:

Jesus Himself gave us the flu shot. He redeemed us from the curse of flu. And we receive it and we take it and we are healed by His stripes.

At the end of the talk, she says to “inoculate yourself with the Word of God.”

She also used the video to sell an upcoming “healing seminar.”

Etc.  And yeah, those pentebabbleists are absolutely unhinged.

Highpoint Church Dishonors God

A Memphis megachurch gave a standing ovation to a pastor after he admitted to sexually assaulting a teenage girl just days before he conducted a workshop promoting abstinence.

Andy Savage apologized Sunday to his congregation Highpoint Church, after news reports revealed the woman’s allegations against the pastor — who has admitted they’re true.

The woman said she was 17 years old and a high school senior when she met Savage, who was then in college and working as a staffer at a Texas Baptist church now known as StoneBridge.

She told the Wartbridge Watch website that Savage drove her 20 years ago to a remote area, where he forced her to give him oral sex, fondled her and then jumped out of the vehicle, fell to his knees and begged forgiveness.

The woman said the incident caused lasting psychological harm, and she has recently filed a police report about the incident.

A standing ovation for a man who used his authority to coerce a teenage girl into sexual activity… and they think they are doing the right thing?  Preposterous.  This ‘church’ dishonors God and worships at the altar of the cult of personality.  It’s absolutely disgraceful.  They have made a molester into a hero.

The Defective Edition of the Bible that Fails to Mention America…

After receiving a new leather NIV Study Bible for Christmas, local man Christopher Neil was excited to crack it open Tuesday morning and check out all the helpful resources included to assist him in his Bible study.

But Neil was perplexed to discover the Bible didn’t mention America a single time.

The atlas section at the back of the Sciptures did not include a map of the United States. The man carefully looked through all sixteen printed maps, including depictions of Israel in various time periods, the entire ancient Near East, and the Mediterranean Sea, but couldn’t find a single map of the United States.

“I assume there was an error at the printers,” Neil said as he filled out a complaint form on Zondervan’s website to try to get the Bible exchanged for one that included America in its appendices and references. “These kinds of things happen sometimes. I even ordered a commentary on the book of Revelation once that didn’t reference the United States at all. What gives?”

Neil’s issues with the printing of the Bible didn’t stop with just the glaring omission of the map of the United States. The Bible included weights and measurements from the ancient world, but not a single mention of U.S. dollars, and the translators failed to replace the word “Israel” with “United States” or “America” throughout the biblical text.

“They didn’t even include the obvious interpretation of the promises of God as being for America in the footnotes,” the clearly disheartened man told reporters. “That’s a bare minimum, as far as I’m concerned.”

Neil flipped through all the gospels and couldn’t even find a single time that Jesus voted for a Republican or promised to bless America, according to sources.

“Get your act together, publishers,” he said.

It’s funny because you know there’s someone out there who actually thinks the Bible DOES mention America…  Oh, and by the way, it’s not the Bible that’s defective, it’s too much ‘Evangelical’ ‘theology’.  (Indeed, that phrase itself, ‘evangelical’ ‘theology’ has become an oxymoron).

Paula White is a Heretic, and You’re a Fool if You Believe Her

Donald Trump’s spiritual adviser has suggested that people send her money in order to transform their lives, or face divine consequences.

Paula White, who heads up the president’s evangelical advisory committee, suggested making a donation to her ministries to honor the religious principle of “first fruit,” which she said is the idea that all firsts belong to God, including the first harvest and, apparently, the first month of your salary.

“Right now I want you to click on that button, and I want you to honor God with his first fruits offering,” she said in a video shared to her website, in which she encourages her followers to donate to her ministries to get blessings from God.

“If God doesn’t divinely step in and intervene, I don’t know what you’re going to face—he does,” she said.

She’s a heretic, pure and simple.  And if you listen to her, and send her as much as a penny, you’re a fool.

Nope, Not Even Close, But Thanks for Trying…

Corrected, this reads ‘The Book of Revelation is a reminder to a persecuted community that no power on earth or in heaven is greater than the power of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, Jesus.  It levels a warning against the world’s opposition to His power and comforts His disciples with the assurance that ultimate victory is His and thus theirs’.

So kindly stop trying to hijack Scripture to fit your political agenda.  It means more when you let it speak than when you try to force it into your blinkered perspective.

Jerusalem, End Times Gibberish, And False Teaching

The notion that there will be some sort of ‘rapture’ followed by some sort of ‘reign of Antichrist’ followed by some earthly kingdom that lasts 1000 years followed by some terrible battle followed by the destruction of all unbelievers followed by the eternal kingdom of Heaven is entirely unscriptural.

It stems from a doctrinal system invented out of the over fertile imaginations of ‘dispensationalists’ in the 19th century.  It has no basis in exegesis of Scripture and instead offers a false reading of Scripture.

It is popular with Christian Zionists and others who have little familiarity with the proper interpretation of Scripture.  These Christian Zionists heretically exalt Israel, the modern State, to a rank above all other nations and by doing so attribute to the modern city of Jerusalem an unhealthy and false importance.  At the same time they denigrate both Palestinians and other Arabs and discount their legitimate concerns in favor of the Jews, which they portray as the eternal ‘people of God’ (unless those Jews repent and receive Messiah, in which case they will roast like all the rest).

Christian Zionists teach untruth- because they accept an untruthful doctrinal system.  The political consequences of their false teaching have stained and soiled American foreign policy since the rise of AIPAC and other Zionist organizations.

Christian Zionists have found strange bedfellows in Jewish Zionists- whose aim is also the ultimate extermination of the Palestinians in their ever growing thirst for Lebensraum in the West Bank and other Palestinian areas.  Both Jewish Zionists and Christian Zionists distort Scripture.  As such, both should not be supported by people of faith.

Don’t be fooled by false exegesis based on a false hermeneutic.  Learn what Scripture actually says and turn your back on the gibberish that passes for exposition in unlearned and ignorant corners of Christianity.

No, Eugene Peterson, He Does Not and We Do Not

So. Much. Wrong.  First, God doesn’t ‘start out’ where we do.  God is the Uncreated Creator of all things and Jesus’ preexistence is a matter of orthodox Christian faith.  And no, second, we can not become what he is, because we can never become God and we can never become eternal.

Peterson’s theology as reflected in this meme is astonishingly poor.  One would expect better of someone who is claimed to be important.  As it stands, the quotation is utter garbage.

Go Ahead, Emergents, We Know You Want To…

And you probably should.  Because, honestly, you’re not really ‘Church’ in any Christian sense.  So go ahead, because any day now you’ll drop the word ‘church’ from your group meeting places. They’ll be called ‘The Vantage’  or ‘The Twin Peaks’ and such and people will wander in, grab a latte, and listen to rock music and a soothing speech from a t-shirt wearing hipster.

Church Marketing’s Goal: Just Get Them in the Doors…

Forget all that tiresome and outdated biblical stuff like ‘go into all the world and make disciples’.  That’s too hard and people just aren’t interested in that.  Instead of going deep, go as shallow as you can and get those butts in seats, because that’s what it’s all about…

Thom can teach you the latest marketing manipulations to get you a gusher of guests… (what a word to choose)…  Although the Bible never tells us to make ‘guests’, but disciples.