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Archive for the ‘pseudo-christianity’ Category

The Heretic Rob Bell Wins the ‘Ironic Remark of the Decade’ Award

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No one has done more to trivialize Jesus than Rob Bell and his mentors Oprah ‘I Believe In New Age Religion’ Winfrey and Joel ‘Just Smile, Everyone is Going to Heaven’ Osteen.  How ironic of him, then, to talk about the trivialization of Jesus.

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He deserves an award for most ironic statement of the decade.

Written by Jim

30/05/2016 at 7:22 am

Simultaneously… At Pittsburgh Theological Seminary…

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They will also host the same exact panel for a conference titled ‘Pretending to be Theologians Conference’.  You’ll ‘want’ to ‘attend’ both…

pretending

Written by Jim

27/05/2016 at 7:58 pm

Fake Church Shut Down In Nashville

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After relating preliminaries, the Tennessean reports this snippet concerning a ‘Church’ which has closed down in Nashville-

United Fellowship Center, whose attorney says is members-only and holds no doctrinal beliefs beyond The Golden Rule, would have faced some challenging legal precedents had anyone ever called its true purpose into question. The courts look for long-held religious beliefs in such cases. That’s why Hobby Lobby prevailed in its effort to side-step a federal requirement to provide insurance coverage for certain types of birth control but Judith Kuch, who argued in 1968 that her church membership required she use LSD, did not.

A man who answered the number on the church’s for-sale sign — which is the same number listed at to call for “party location” — said the asking price at 520 Lentz Drive is about $1.4 million. He declined to give his name out of concern that his grandchildren might see it, but said church members don’t need all the space, and they believe they can find a better location. He confirmed that another church was leasing the space and holding services for awhile, but that relationship ended.

Farewell, fake church.  May your numbers of disappearing fake churches increase.

Written by Jim

26/05/2016 at 5:03 pm

The Bee Stings the ‘Multi-Campus’ Church Nonsense

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A couple at Riverview Church North has complained about the unresponsiveness of their multi-site church’s video screen for their need for pastoral counseling, according to sources. Derrick and Judy Markham had been having some communication issues at home, and decided to seek help from their multi-site church, affectionately known as “R-North.” Going to the screen from which they get their weekly Sunday messages, the couple began pouring out their marital issues to the inanimate object, including Judy’s spending and Derrick’s untidiness. However, after a good half-hour with no response from the video screen, the couple’s discussion stalled, and they left discouraged.

“It was like talking to a wall,” explained a visibly frustrated Mrs. Markham. “Seriously, he’s so bright and electric on Sunday mornings; I thought he’d be the same one-on-one. I guess I was wrong.”

“I couldn’t get a read on what he thought about Judy’s mother,” noted Mr. Markham. “Just a total blank canvas, know what I mean?” The Markhams considered leaving R-North, but they love the satellite sermons and brand identity enough that they are willing to stay.

“We did think about trying one of the other 13 multi-site churches in this area. We want a church with a lead pastor whose charisma can’t be contained in a single building,” admitted Mr. Markham. “We even considered going to a church that wasn’t multi-site—but as I believe the Bible says, ‘forsake not the assembly of the screens.’”

Despite the disappointment, the Markhams aren’t giving up on their multi-site church’s head figure. The couple says they’ve asked the video screen to visit Mr. Markham’s bedridden great aunt later this week.

It is such an absurdity to speak of ‘multi- campus’ churches or ‘satellite’ congregations.  And it’s all done simply to puff up the pastor’s ego and the disinterest of the ‘members’ to do anything more than watch a big screen tv.  It isn’t Christianity.  It isn’t Church.  It is nonsense.

God hasten the day when these self-aggrandizing collectives die the death they so richly deserve.

Written by Jim

26/05/2016 at 1:35 pm

Twitter Theology That Makes Me Sigh

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Does Moltmann just make stuff up as he goes so it will fit on a bumper sticker?  Because this is just absurd.  It lacks scriptural foundation, it makes no sense, and it obliterates any sense of free will.  In Moltmann’s disturbed view, you have no choice at all.  God will force himself on you whether you like it or not.

sigh

Tune in next week when Molty says ‘Sacrifice is meaningless and God just really waved a magic wand and declared every person righteous.’

The Bee Stings the Decontextualizing Text Abusers

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Samuel Levenson’s life verse—and only tattoo—is Jeremiah 29:11, and with good reason. Levenson first encountered the biblical promise when his spiritual life was in a lull, his career was in a slump, and he was enduring a harsh and brutal exile in the pagan kingdom of Babylon. His only sustenance during this time of doubt, depression, and being a captive of King Nebuchadnezzar, was the clear promise in Jeremiah Chapter 29 that God had plans laid out for him—plans for a future and hope—despite his people’s obstinate rebelliousness.

“That verse kicked off a shift in my life, and it came when I was at rock bottom,” Levenson told reporters as he showed off the inked inscription of the passage in between his shoulder blades. “I was out of a job and in the middle of a rough patch with my girlfriend. I was struggling with spiritual doubt. And to top it all off, I was captured and carried into captivity by an Ancient Mesopotamian empire.”

“I’ll never, ever forget when I first read those words from Jeremiah,” he said. “I had to have a permanent symbol of the promise they held for me.”

At publishing time, Levenson was sketching a draft of his next tattoo, which will include Exodus 14:14, to commemorate the time he won his high school football district championship shortly after being miraculously saved from Pharaoh’s fast-advancing chariot army on the shores of the Red Sea.

It would be nice if the people who festooned their bodies with verses from the Bible actually knew what they were about.

Written by Jim

19/05/2016 at 4:50 pm

The Church of Scotland is Thinking About Offering ‘Online Baptisms’

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Good grief, how stupid.  It’s like telling someone that if there’s a picture of food on their computer they can eat it.

The Telegraph has reported that the committee said: “As fewer people join up in the traditional sense, questions arise about online membership and even about access to the sacraments while not being physically present in the congregation.” It goes on: “There are no easy answers to some of the questions, but in a world where the fastest growing communities are online, the committee believes that now is the time to open up wide-ranging discussion.”

The idea will be debated by the Kirk next week. “New technology in church life” will be investigated and Norman Smith, vice-convener of the Mission and Discipleship Council said it would be a “grown-up discussion” before any proposals are put forward.  In the USA online baptisms are popular and many can hear services over Skype or over the phone.

Well I live in the USA and I’ve never heard any dimwit suggest that baptism or the Lord’s Supper could be undertaken online.  Only someone without any understanding of the meaning of both could think such disconnected observances meaningful.

One thing, however, is certain: there aren’t enough intelligent theologians in the Church.

Written by Jim

19/05/2016 at 3:02 pm

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