Bravo, Lutherans, Bravo.
Category Archives: pseudo-christianity
A group of friends walking out of a matinee showing of the new movie adaptation of William P. Young’s bestselling novel The Shack Friday afternoon excitedly discussed their newfound misconceptions about the nature of God and the Trinity, sources confirmed.
“I just love how the Father was represented as a matronly woman, just hangin’ out and making pancakes for everyone,” one of the moviegoers reportedly said as he tossed his empty bag of popcorn into a waste bin. “That’s definitely the most faithful representation of Almighty God I’ve seen on the big screen.”
Another member of the group agreed. “Yeah, and how she showed her scars from the cross. I’ve never thought about how the Father was crucified with the Son—but it’s all so clear now.”
“That stuff is great, but I really liked how Jesus was so chill,” another chimed in, according to sources. “When he goes running on the water with Mack, I was like, yup—classic Jesus. That’s the Savior of the world if I’ve ever seen Him.”
At publishing time, several members of the group reportedly could not wait to start discussions with family and friends so they could enlighten them with their newfound misconceptions about the nature of the eternal Lord of all creation.
Theological ignorance abounds in Hollywood. Those people are worse than Servetus.
Wright’s view of God aligns perfectly with Marcion and completely opposite of the Prophets and the Gospels themselves.
Sources from St. Peter’s Episcopal Church confirmed Wednesday that progressive Reverend Laura Frier rubbed ashes in the form of a question mark on every parishioner’s forehead, in lieu of the traditional sign of the cross.
“We just really don’t know, you know?” the Reverend said. “We knew we couldn’t go with a cross—far too offensive, really. We felt the question mark was much more open and inclusive than putting the horrifying symbol of a Roman execution device on everyone.”
“That’s what the gospel’s all about, I think? I just don’t really know,” she added.
As parishioners lined up to receive the traditional mark of ashes at the front of the church, Frier solemnly marked them with the sacred question mark symbol while speaking the words of blessing, “Question everything,” over each person.
At publishing time, reports indicated that other progressive ministers had spelled words like “RESIST” and “REALLY?” using the blessed ashes from the Western Christian tradition.
Stating he was shocked at the Lord’s “ignorant” approach to attractional church growth, self-described church growth expert Mark A. Sloniker was reportedly cringing the entire time he read through several of Christ’s popular sermons in the gospels Tuesday.
“‘The flesh counts for nothing?’ ‘No one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him?’ Oh, come on, Jesus, you know better than that,” Sloniker reportedly muttered to himself as he read through the sixth chapter of the Gospel of John. Sure enough, the church leadership guru’s fears were confirmed, as the text then stated that many of Jesus’ disciples no longer followed him.
“He had such a good thing going with the feeding of the five thousand—why’d He have to blow it? Why not just seal the deal with an extreme men’s ministry event, or a big Easter giveaway?” an exasperated Sloniker added.
Flipping through other stories in the inspired accounts of Jesus’ life, Sloniker continued to wince and cringe as he read the narratives of Jesus “going ballistic on potential future church members” in the temple, turning away seekers who came asking how they could join Him, and constantly preaching on the reality of hell and eternal punishment.
“If only the Savior were as enlightened about church growth as we are, He could have had an honest-to-goodness megachurch,” Sloniker lamented.
The Bee has been hanging around SBC convention conventicles led by ‘church growth experts’ more than enough it seems.
According to sources close to author and speaker Rob Bell, the ex-pastor has finally denied the last remaining doctrine of the Christian faith he had not already mounted an all-out assault against.
Bell had been scraping the bottom of the barrel of doctrines to disown for months, according to sources, before denying the final one at long last Tuesday morning while waxing his surfboard near the Huntington Beach pier.
“Welp, I guess that about covers ’em. I can’t believe I ran through all of them already. What am I supposed to do with all this free time now?” Bell reportedly said to his surfing buddy right after posting a Tweet denying the resurrection of Christ using his smartphone. “End of an era, that’s for sure.”
“I mean, I’ll have more time for surfing and chillin’ with Oprah, I suppose, so that’s a bonus,” Bell added as he finished strapping his surfboard’s leash onto his ankle.
At publishing time, Bell had confirmed his conversion to Islam, so he’d have a whole new set of beliefs to eventually deny.
Seriously. Few in the history of Christianity have been so bereft of Christ whilst maintaining they were ‘Christians’.
Public notice: ‘The Shack’ is not Christian theology. It’s imaginary Hollywoodism. If you get your theology from Hollywood, well you’re nuts.
Metaxas Claims His Bonhoeffer Bio is Completely True. Actual Bonhoeffer Scholars Can’t Stop Laughing
Eric Metaxas lives in a curious space among those who admire and study German pastor and martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer. In one universe dominated by evangelicals outside of academia, Metaxas is viewed as a Bonhoeffer scholar. In another dominated by academics and Bonhoeffer scholars, he is considered a revisionist of Bonhoeffer’s work, someone who has hijacked Bonhoeffer perhaps for partisan religious purposes.
Yesterday on his radio show, Metaxas took aim at the latter group. His guest on the program was Hillsdale College president Larry Arnn. Arnn, a Winston Churchill scholar, told Metaxas about a recent talk at Hillsdale by the widow of Churchill biographer Sir Martin Gilbert. In the course of the discussion with Mrs. Gilbert, the subject of Bonhoeffer came up. Arnn said all of the information about Bonhoeffer in the room came from Metaxas’ Bonhoeffer bio.
And much more. Give it a read. Metaxas really is a deluded man; a pseudo-scholar of the highest order. Indeed, he is no scholar. He’s a cartoon creator. He should stick with what he knows and stop deceiving people about Bonhoeffer and other topics.
A leading theological college that trains priests for the Church of England has apologised after it hosted a service to mark LGBT history month that referred to God as “the Duchess”.
Student priests at Westcott House in Cambridge organised the evensong service on Tuesday in the college chapel. Advertised as a “Polari evening prayer in anticipation of LGBT+ history month”, it was described as a “liturgical experiment”. Polari is slang used by some gay people.
A prayer referred to the “Fantabulosa fairy” and ended: “Praise ye the Duchess. The Duchess’s name be praised.” Psalm 19 was reworded to refer to “O Duchess, my butchness”.
The service was “an attempt at queering the liturgy of evening prayer, locating the queer within the compass of faith, and recovering for the Christian tradition a sense of its own intrinsically subversive jouissance,” said a printed explanation.
The organisers said that just as Jesus welcomed the outcast, “Today we might follow in the footsteps of his daring, boldly and outrageously welcoming the Queer (both human and divine) in a way never before attempted.”
The college principal, the Rev Canon Chris Chivers, said the service was “hugely regrettable”. It used “a form of liturgy which was not an authorised act of worship in line with the college’s procedures,” he said. “I fully recognise that the contents of the service are at variance with the doctrine and teaching of the Church of England, and that is hugely regrettable.”
The service had caused some members of the college “considerable upset and disquiet”. Chivers said he had spoken to the organisers and was “tightening the internal mechanisms of the house to ensure this never happens again”. The college hoped “to make a creative contribution to setting a different tone for the debate on human sexuality in the church. But this was not it,” he said.
Ya think….??? Ya. Think?
I know there’s something wrong with Trump. He is immoral, amoral, perverse, hateful, xenophobic, misogynistic, and not a Christian. But what’s wrong with you that you actually support such a person and continue to defend him?
How is that appropriate? How is Trump anything other than self serving and self aggrandizing and how does that sort of disposition line up with the demands of Jesus?
He used the occasion to jokingly call for prayers for its new host Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Since when is prayer a matter of jokes? How is it ok with you that Trump treats it as such?
“Ratings went right down the tubes. It’s been a total disaster,” he said.
Again, how is that appropriate subject matter for a prayer breakfast? How?
The keynote speaker at the National Prayer Breakfast was Barry Black, the chaplain of the United States Senate. Moved by Black’s remarks, Trump lauded him. “I don’t know if you’re Democrat or Republican, but I’m appointing you for another year. The hell with it.”
‘The hell with it’? And you’re actually ok with him? You are a great mystery to me. Explain yourselves. Explain how you manage to disconnect your Christianity (ok, supposed Christianity) from your politics. How? Just how?
In its latest push to capitalize on popular Christian book trends, religious publisher Thomas Nelson hurriedly announced upcoming book The Purpose Driven Jesus Calling Adult Coloring Book Featuring Tim Tebow Tuesday to much fanfare.
The book will reportedly feature forty days of purpose-driven devotionals written as if Jesus were talking directly to the reader, with inspirational images of Tim Tebow captioned with encouraging Joel Osteen quotes for believers to color during their read-through.
“This book is everything Christians want to read right now, all wrapped up into one,” a Thomas Nelson representative told reporters. “And best of all, you get to color every page yourself!”
“We fully expect this to become the number-one bestseller for a very long time to come,” the rep added.
At publishing time, the new book had generated millions of preorders, prompting the publisher to announce a follow-up book entitled The 5 Money Languages: An Amish Romance Coloring Book Featuring Chip & Joanna Gaines.
Yup- that about sums up the marketing aims of Thomas Nelson and the continuing theological stupidification of American Christians.
In related news, the Lincoln Bible is begging to be shredded so that a profanation the likes of which haven’t been seen since the Abomination of Desolation cannot take place on it.
President-elect Donald Trump takes his oath of office on Inauguration Day, his hand will rest on his family Bible and the Abraham Lincoln Bible. Alex Stroman, the deputy director of communications for the 58th Inaugural Committee, confirmed the picks Tuesday morning. The Lincoln Bible, used during the 16th president’s first inauguration, was most recently a part of President Obama’s first and second inauguration ceremonies and is a part of the Library of Congress’ collection. Trump’s Bible, a revised standard version, was presented to him in 1955 by his mother upon graduation from Sunday Church Primary School in New York. Trump showed off the Bible in an early 2016 campaign video, thanking evangelicals for their support. Exit polls showed that four out of five white evangelicals voted for Trump.
Or, a really poor thinker, which is what makes him a poor theologian. Wait, he isn’t a theologian at all. He’s the Pastor of a megachurch, where being a theologian is the last thing anyone wants.
Stanely’s recent remarks about the Virginal Conception (it’s not a Virgin Birth… that’s a biologically nonsensical phrase) of Jesus show that he doesn’t understand Scripture or Christian theology. But that’s to be expected, because the reason he says and does what he says and does isn’t to communicate truth, it’s to draw a crowd.
Stanley is, if I might put it quite crudely, exactly what every other megachurch pastor is- a publicity whore. He craves publicity and is willing to say and do whatever necessary to get it. Even if what he has to say is quite outrageous. But that’s the point, really. That’s what gets attention.
If a Christian asserts classic Christian belief, that’s not news. But if a pretend Christian says that he or she doesn’t believe in God or doesn’t think the Bible is true or theologically meaningful or, around Christmas, that Jesus is just like everyone else, then that gets the news juices flowing.
Attention whores love attention. Andy Stanley is an attention whore, not a theologian. His remarks should be taken in that light.
Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.
“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”
The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.
“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.