Category Archives: pseudo-christianity

Mark Driscoll Thinks People Care What He Thinks

But he’s wrong because 1) he’s a theological fraud and 2) he’s a grammatical ignoramus:

Paula White: Pentebabbleist, Heretic, And False Teacher… But I Repeat Myself

What garbage theology these pentebabblesit loons adopt. Wretched Montanists.

Twitter ‘Theology’ That Makes Me Sigh

Nope.  Reverence belongs to God alone.  And your husband isn’t God.  Or even a god.  And besides, there’s not a speck of Scripture where wives are commanded to reverence their husbands.  So, shame on you for misrepresenting the Bible.

Sarcasm is the Sincerest Form of Truth (TM): The People Who Tip instead of Tithe Complain the Most and Demand the Most

Explaining his disappointment with the overall experience lately, local man Brett Thomas confirmed to reporters Thursday his plans to stop tipping unless the service at Calvary Baptist Church of Dayton improves significantly.

“I remember a few years ago, the service was way better,” Thomas noted. “I could tell the greeters were excited to see me walk in the door. Sometimes there were little donuts or danishes, just sitting right out for the taking. They went out of their way to make me feel special—and I tipped accordingly.”

But, much to his dismay, Thomas has noticed some changes recently. “I don’t know if it’s new owners or what, but the experience just doesn’t have the same energy, the same vibe it used to. The worship team seems to fall flat a lot more often. The pastor’s been teaching from the Old Testament. The ushers don’t seem as sincere. The programs aren’t as nice as they used to be. The pencils aren’t as consistently sharp. It’s the little things, you know, that make all the difference.”

Brett Thomas believes if a church wants to be compensated, they need to earn it.

“Do they really expect a good tip with service like that? I might throw a five or maybe a ten in the plate, but don’t even talk to me about percentages until we start getting some decent service here,” Thomas lamented, shaking his head. “And the pastor has the gall to do a sermon on tithing last month. You want to talk about net and gross? I’ll tell you what’s gross—the coffee you serve at this church.”

A visibly frustrated Thomas added, “I hope it doesn’t come to this, but I’ll tell you—on more than one occasion the wife and I have discussed taking our business elsewhere.”

Brett, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya…

‘Have God’s Ear in Prayer???’…

That’s not how prayer works.  God hears the prayers he wants to hear, not prayers uttered because someone is using a book, any book.  Lifeway, stop selling junk theology.  Get some theologians on staff and stop thinking the latest marketing craze is good enough.  Stetzer is gone.  Stop acting like he would act.

Robert Jeffress is Projecting

For it is he and the court evangelicals who have created an idol they happily worship-  bit.ly/30cX7iV

This is BLASPHEMOUS

The Franklin Graham Translation of Timothy

“I urge, then, first of all, that fawning, bootlicking, endorsements, and the hijacking of church services be made for kings and politicians, that they may win many re-elections. This is good, and pleases Nero our Caesar.” (1 Timothy 2:1-3, Franklin Graham Translation)

Via Imperialist St Paul, on twitter.

Franklin Graham Has Never Called on Trump to Repent…

And yet he wishes Christians to pray that Trump continue to live in open rebellion against God.  The list of those who agree with Graham is a who’s who of enablers of evil.

We the undersigned are calling for June 2 to be a special Day of Prayer for the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, that God would protect, strengthen, embolden, and direct him.

Etc.  But nary a word asking for Christians to pray Trump repent and turn from his racist ways.    If Trump (or Franklin, or any of the court evangelicals) really cared about being directed by God, they would repent in sackcloth and ashes.

The Mega-Church Ponzi Scheme

The pastor of a megachurch in West Palm Beach, Fla., is refusing to hand over $1.7 million despite claims by federal prosecutors that the funds belong to people caught up in a $30 million Ponzi scheme run by a former church director.

According to the Palm Beach Post, U.S. District Judge Robin Rosenberg ordered $1 million in assets belonging to Winners Church, a suburban congregation in West Palm Beach, and to church pastors Fred Shipman and Whitney Shipman frozen.

Those assets will remain frozen until Rosenberg issues a ruling on their disposition.

The dispute is part of the fallout from an alleged Ponzi scheme run by Canadian financial commentator Harold Seigel and Florida resident Jose Aman. The duo allegedly convinced hundreds of people to invest millions in Argyle Coin, LLC, which claimed to be a cryptocurrency business related to diamonds.

According to a dozen lawsuits recently filed in Florida and elsewhere, the men were actually running an elaborate scam. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission announced on Tuesday (May 21) it was shutting down the operation, describing it as a Ponzi scheme.

Some of their money turned up at Winners Church, which boasts a congregation of more than 2,000and had listed Aman as a “director” on state records.

According to a new lawsuit, Aman gave $1 million to the church from 2014 to 2018 and gave church founder Bishop Fred Shipman $700,000. He also allegedly gave Fred Shipman’s son, Winners Church senior pastor Whitney Shipman, around $40,000 during that same time period.

Accordingly, don’t give your money to mega-churches.   So endeth the lesson.

The Bee Stings the ‘Multi-Campus’ Church Nonsense

A couple at Riverview Church North has complained about the unresponsiveness of their multi-site church’s video screen for their need for pastoral counseling, according to sources. Derrick and Judy Markham had been having some communication issues at home, and decided to seek help from their multi-site church, affectionately known as “R-North.” Going to the screen from which they get their weekly Sunday messages, the couple began pouring out their marital issues to the inanimate object, including Judy’s spending and Derrick’s untidiness. However, after a good half-hour with no response from the video screen, the couple’s discussion stalled, and they left discouraged.

“It was like talking to a wall,” explained a visibly frustrated Mrs. Markham. “Seriously, he’s so bright and electric on Sunday mornings; I thought he’d be the same one-on-one. I guess I was wrong.”

“I couldn’t get a read on what he thought about Judy’s mother,” noted Mr. Markham. “Just a total blank canvas, know what I mean?” The Markhams considered leaving R-North, but they love the satellite sermons and brand identity enough that they are willing to stay.

“We did think about trying one of the other 13 multi-site churches in this area. We want a church with a lead pastor whose charisma can’t be contained in a single building,” admitted Mr. Markham. “We even considered going to a church that wasn’t multi-site—but as I believe the Bible says, ‘forsake not the assembly of the screens.’”

Despite the disappointment, the Markhams aren’t giving up on their multi-site church’s head figure. The couple says they’ve asked the video screen to visit Mr. Markham’s bedridden great aunt later this week.

It is such an absurdity to speak of ‘multi- campus’ churches or ‘satellite’ congregations.  And it’s all done simply to puff up the pastor’s ego and the disinterest of the ‘members’ to do anything more than watch a big screen tv.  It isn’t Christianity.  It isn’t Church.  It is nonsense.

God hasten the day when these self-aggrandizing collectives die the death they so richly deserve.

It’s a Who’s Who of Fake Christians

Read all about them.

Jim Bakker: Pentebabbleist Blasphemer

“The Jim Bakker Show” recently promoted a coin decorated with President Trump‘s face as a “point of contact” with God.

In a viral clip of the promotion, evangelical author Lance Wallnau described the $45 coin as a means for believers to establish a “point of contact” with God.

“When I asked the Lord ‘Why the coin?’ he said ‘Because when you take the coin, it’s a point of contact,’” Wallnau said in the clip, which was shared on Twitter by Right Wing Watch, which “monitors and exposes the activities of Radical Right political organizations.”

“So your faith is being released with a million other believers to pray protection and peace and wisdom and counsel over the president of the United States and over his family,” he added.

What vile blasphemy and idiotic pseudo-christianity.  Pentebabbleists… they really are profoundly theologically ignorant.

#ICYMI – Family’s Piety Lasts 12 Seconds After Leaving Church Parking Lot…

Yup.  Pretty much.

The Granger family’s piety lasted for just 12 seconds after leaving the parking lot of 1st North Baptist Church Sunday, sources reported. Having enjoyed a sermon on 1 Peter 1:14-16 titled “Holiness In Our Lives” and having engaged in warm, loving conversation with friends on matters of church fellowship, the family of five’s reverie was almost immediately shattered as their Chrysler Town & Country minivan made its way home.

Despite the heartfelt emotion and resolve the worship service had engendered in parents Lloyd and Mary Granger, while the car was still turning onto the main road, their five-year-old son Hunter punched his brother Taylor “because [he] wanted to.” In turn, the eight-year-old took away his sibling’s “Jake and the Neverland Pirates” toy, resulting in a high-pitched, sustained yowling that in turn caused fifteen-year-old Sophie Granger to launch into a monologue about the low mental acuity of her younger siblings.

At just under 10 seconds, Mrs. Granger responded with a hissing rejoinder that everyone needed to turn around and “just stop it.” The Granger patriarch, whose thoughts were focused on how he was going to examine Peter’s exhortation to holiness within his workplace and personal life, was jarred out of his contemplations by this cacophony, and responded with a somewhat vague, angry threat of the regret all would feel if they did not listen to their mother “that instant.”

At this 12-second mark, any vestiges of piety in the minivan had been completely eradicated, resulting in a discordant row and personal sniping that only subsided when the warring family called a fragile cease-fire on the promise of lunch at Cracker Barrel.

When Your ‘Church’ Isn’t Even Pretending Anymore to be Anything But A Theater

Helicopter Egg Drops…

Join us for our first annual “Eggstravanganza Easter Egg Hunt”, April 20 from 10am-1pm. for ages 2 years – 5th grade. A helicopter will drop thousands of eggs over the GCA Football field. Each age group will have their own designated time for their egg hunt. We will have a Family Fun Zone with inflatables, face painters, balloon artists and food trucks. Don’t miss this FREE event!

Ah yes- churches dropping eggs from helicopters and having pony rides and bounce houses and cotton candy on Holy Saturday. The early church did all this too because they thought Jesus’s stay in hell was just super awesome.

Megachurch Pseudo-Christianity: The Ed Young Edition

Christless ‘Christianity’ is an entertainment industry.

Garbage Theology

This isn’t Christianity, it’s gnosticism.

Fad Theology

This is what happens when exegetes stop caring about the interpretation of scripture and find themselves looking for something to do to occupy their time: faddism and ‘WhatIfIsm’.

Steven Furtick is Pimping Shoes…

And they cost nearly $1000. Because he’s a con artist. And he wants to con you.