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Category Archives: mockery

The Bee Stings the Silly KJV Only Crowd

Citing a desire to preach the Word faithfully, local pastor Willy Caldwell spent most of last week in his home office and local library, engaging in intensive word studies of a passage from the Gospel of John in its original English.

According to sources close to the preacher and lay Bible scholar, Caldwell stayed up late throughout the week, trying to translate John 3:16 into modern English from the original King James English in which the Apostle John wrote the Gospel.

“If you’re not going back to the original languages used by the apostles—namely, Early Modern English—then you’re really studying the Bible secondhand,” Caldwell said, motioning toward the complete hard-copy Oxford English Dictionary stacked on his desk next to several King James Bibles. “I love digging into the riches of God’s Word as originally intended by the inspired authors, circa 1611.”

“See this word, ‘believeth’ here that John used? It is perhaps best translated into our modern tongue as ‘believes,’” Caldwell added, pointing to numerous pages of notes he’d used to come to the conclusion. “You can’t get this kind of depth and richness working in non-original languages like Greek, Hebrew, or Aramaic—you’ve got to drill down to the original tongue if you really want to unpack what Jesus was saying in his native English.”

It’s funny because it’s for real.

 
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Posted by on 16/01/2017 in mockery

 

Donald Trump’s Inauguration Music

Via Helen Ingram

trump

 
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Posted by on 15/01/2017 in misery, mockery, Modern Culture

 

The Bee Stings the ‘Progs’

From her local Starbucks Monday morning, progressive Christian blogger Rachel Brooks reportedly refreshed her Bible app a number of times, hoping to find that God had updated his “antiquated” stance on homosexuality, according to several eye-witnesses.

“I’m sure God knows His viewpoint here is on the wrong side of history,” Brooks muttered into her venti blonde roast while reading 1 Corinthians 6. “Not just on this, but on a number of other issues, He comes off as unacceptably repressive.”

Brooks reportedly checks the app several times a day, hitting the refresh button in hopes that the word of God will receive the long-awaited update confirming the immutable Lord of creation has “gotten His act together” and caught up with the rest of the world’s sense of morality—a hope she documents on her popular blog, Upgrading Christianity.

“C’mon God, do the right thing,” she whispered while reloading the screen one more time. “You’re better than this.”

At publishing time, Brooks had decided instead to download every other Bible app she can find, assuring herself that one of them will surely feature the updated language.

This can’t be mockery of Rachel Held Evans.  She would never even pretend to care what the Bible said about anything.

 
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Posted by on 09/01/2017 in mockery

 

The Bee Stings the Worshipers of Filthy Lucre at Lakewood Church

osteenA rich, young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Thursday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.

Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.

“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”

The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.

“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.

Spot on.

 

The Emergent (AKA Satan’s) Method of Provoking ‘Church’ Attendance

1.) Pander, pander, pander. The first rule of church growth is to constantly compromise whatever deep convictions and sincere beliefs you might have, in order to make visitors feel special. Sometimes, you even need to just ask people point-blank what it is you can compromise to get them to start attending your church regularly.

2.) Study what the Bible teaches about the local church, so you know what not to do. Read up carefully on concepts like elders, deacons, and the gathering of the Lord’s people, and then laugh about it with your executive business pastor later. People do not want this stuff. You’re too cutting-edge for it, anyways.

3.) Two words: surprise baptisms. Hide in the bushes around your community, and jump out with super-soakers to baptize passersby. New members! Then just throw some tithing envelopes at them and make your escape. (Two more words: dancing bears—just trust us here.)

4.) Lower the bar for membership. Every local church should be easier to join than the Burger King Kid’s Club. They come to church once per year? No problem. They’re living an unrepentant, egregiously sinful lifestyle? Hey—who are you to judge? They can’t even articulate the gospel at a Tiny Tots level? Psshh, bring ’em in! You’re not gonna grow this thing by turning people away! Extra tip: even let unregenerate folks fill leadership roles—you want everyone to really super welcomed.

5.) Design your church to look like a shopping mall. When visitors wander in to pick up a coffee or go shopping in one of your bookstores or clothing stalls, ideally they won’t even know they’re in a church. Some of the most successful churches even keep their members in the dark about their true identity as a place of worship for years. The early church did this all the time—that’s how they grew so fast.

6.) Vision cast literally everything. If a volunteer asks if she can rearrange the coffee bar next Sunday, immediately stop what you’re doing and have a vision-casting meeting about it. Make sure nothing happens that is not part of the head pastor’s God-given vision, no matter how inconsequential, or how unbiblical (see #2) his vision is. We’re not even entirely sure what “vision casting” is, really, but all the edgy churches do it, so you know it’s good.

7.) Don’t ask people to serve. This should go without saying, but there are still a lot of backwards churches out there that ask people other than the well-paid staff to help out and serve the body of Christ. Remember that it’s all about making people feel comfortable, rather than offering a place where they can be a part of something bigger than themselves. Say it with us: the customer is always right!

8.) Whatever else you do, don’t preach the gospel. This is the golden rule of church growth, and one that—amazingly—some churches are still ignoring. Teaching that people are naturally dead in their sins and need a Savior is very, very bad for business. If you’re going to tell people that Jesus is the only hope any of us have, you might as well tell them to take their business elsewhere next Sunday!

Remember: market trends ebb and flow. The truly great empires are built through dedication, hard work, and persistence, through both good times and bad.

We hope this list of time-tested methods will prove helpful to you and your team as you fight the good fight of increasing Sunday attendance.

On behalf of all of us at The Babylon Bee: Here’s to a prosperous new year!

 
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Posted by on 28/12/2016 in mockery, Modern Culture

 

If Your Church Cancelled Services Christmas Day… And you Were Happy About It…

  • Go ahead and cancel on Easter too.  Why not?  What possible reason could you have for meeting on the day on which real Christians celebrate the resurrection when you didn’t think it mattered to meet on the day on which real Christians celebrate his birth?
  • When your pastor enquires as to your absence from the fellowship during the year, just tell him that you wanted to ‘spend time with your family’.  He told you that family mattered more than God on Christmas so surely family matters more than God all the rest of the time too.
  • Build an image of your grandpa and put it in your living room.  Family is your ‘god’, so go all out and follow through with actual adoration.
  • Just go ahead and leave the Church.  You already have in spirit, you might as well in truth.  And don’t worry, it won’t miss you.  You weren’t living for God anyway and with your pseudo-committed self out of the way, the Church will be less scorned and fewer people will be able to complain about ‘the hypocrites in the Church.’

The silly notion that ‘the Church needs you’ is an invention of your own overly fermented imagination.  You need the Church, it doesn’t need you.  You need Christ, but rest assured, Christ doesn’t need you.  He got along quite well without you before you came along and he will get along quite well without you when you’re dead.

In the meanwhile, check your priorities.

 
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Posted by on 27/12/2016 in mockery

 

The Bee Stings the Silly ‘Evangelicals’ Who Get Their Info From CW And Not Scripture

A recent survey of self-identified American evangelicals found that the vast majority possess a view of angels, demons, spiritual warfare heavily informed by the popular CW television show Supernatural, a report released by The Barna Group Wednesday confirmed.

The influence of the show on the nation’s believers, laymen, and clergy alike, has been massive and far-reaching. According to the survey results, a full 80% of evangelical pastors recommend warding off demonic attacks using methods like shotguns filled with rock salt, complex devil traps carved into floors and ceilings, and “special,” demon-killing knives.

Further, an overwhelming 92% of Christians believe the best remedy for the darkness that is overtaking America is sending demon hunters like Sam and Dean Winchester to battle monsters, ghosts, witches, and demons all over the nation.

“The Bible tells us that Satan is going about like a roaring lion,” one anonymous respondent wrote. “How do you take down a lion? Magic bullets fired from a specially enchanted 1836 Colt Paterson revolver—that’s how.”

It’s funny because it’s probably true.

 
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Posted by on 26/12/2016 in mockery