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Category Archives: mockery

#ICYMI – Luther Reviews Metaxas and Barton’s Book

Since Metaxas utilized Barton, Barton should at least get as much credit-

Metaxas's book is less than dung and worthy of destruction.

Metaxas’s book is less than dung and worthy of destruction.

Just as the devil is disorderly and jumbles things together, so your writings and head are equally disordered and mixed up, so that it is exceedingly annoying to read and difficult to remember what you write. —  Martin Luther

 

The Bee Stings Trump’s Murder of the GOP

Beginning his time on stage Thursday evening by asking attendees to join hands as he called for a moment of silence, Donald Trump proceeded to deliver a solemn eulogy of the Republican Party to cap off the 2016 Republican National Convention. “We gather here tonight, first of all, to pay our respects, and to lay to rest the Grand Old Party, gone from us at age 162,” he said. “Since a great man, Abraham Lincoln, was the first Republican President, it only seems fitting that an even greater man, Donald J. Trump—me—officially bid it farewell, and see it off to the eternal campaign in the sky.” After showing a video clip of the slaying and burying of an old, wounded elephant, set to the tune of Amazing Grace played on the bagpipes, Trump continued. “I am grateful that the late Republican Party, in its violent death throes, saw fit to pass the baton to me, and I look forward to wielding the full force of its influence as I lead America into the future.” “And now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way,” he bellowed, pausing as the crowd erupted into frantic cheers, “It’s Trump time, baby!”

Farewell, the Party of Lincoln.  Farewell.

 
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Posted by on 22/07/2016 in mockery

 
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Coming Soon From Steven Furtick

17patl

 

The Bee Stings Karen King and Her Silly Papyrus

A recently unearthed papyrus fragment, dubbed “The Gospel of Jesus’ Concubines,” was almost immediately verified and authenticated by Harvard University upon its discovery late last year. But recent research shows the gospel was actually nothing more than a crude drawing of Thomas the Tank Engine, crafted by local three-year-old Atticus Madden.

The gospel was discovered in August of 2015, as Professor Karen King of Harvard Divinity School was visiting a friend’s house and noticed the fragment hanging on her refrigerator. After asking for permission to study the ancient document, King had the piece extensively tested using a whole host of scientific methods, quickly concluding it was in fact an authentic papyrus fragment dating from the mid-first century C.E. “It’s a remarkable piece, and the contents all but prove that Jesus of Nazareth stole away on a train in a soul-searching journey to acquire a vast harem of concubines—if he existed at all, of course,” she stated at the time.

But an investigative reporter published his findings last week, stating that the gospel was in fact a forgery. He states he was tipped off after noticing the name “Atticus” scrawled in what appeared to be Crayola’s popular Razzle Dazzle Rose hue.

In an interview with USA Today, the toddler/forger let the world in on his secret for concocting the counterfeit gospel that fooled even the experts at Harvard. “Trains are fast. They big and go fast, very very fast. Thomas is the best train.”

“And I’m almost four,” he added, holding up five fingers.

Bravo.

 
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Posted by on 28/06/2016 in mockery, Modern Culture

 

The Bee Stings The Fecklessness of ‘Worship Music’

Bam:

According to eyewitnesses at local church concert venue The Awakening, some guy got up and launched into a lame speech right in the middle of the concert Sunday morning, totally and completely killing the mood for those in attendance. The highly skilled rock band had reportedly just finished a quiet, powerful ballad, bringing many of those in attendance to tears, when the disturbance occurred.

“Talk about inappropriate,” one man said after the concert. “We, like, came here to be entertained, not lectured at by some guy. Way to harsh my mellow, whoever you are.” Other concert attendees expressed similar sentiments, wondering who the random guy was who came up and talked about whatever for twenty minutes.

Bewildered, the band gave the random guy some time to talk before quietly stepping on stage behind him and building up into another ballad, which the guy thankfully took as a cue to say some random stuff with his eyes closed and get off the stage at long last.

“That was a close one, but I think we managed to turn things around,” the lead percussionist told reporters as he prepared for the evening encore concert. “Once in a while you get a weirdo who’ll interrupt things and go on some boring rant for a while, but we were able to get him out of there before he did too much damage.”

The Millennials love the entertainment.  Not so much the actual proclamation of the Word.

PS- I think this happened at the Church Rachel Held Evans attends.

 
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Posted by on 27/06/2016 in mockery, Modern Culture

 

AAR’s Toilet Policy

As a person who doesn’t like the company of persons when I’m toileting, I’m calling upon AAR and SBL to provide individual private public restrooms so that those of us who like to do, have to do our business in private are also shown the compassion and respect we deserve.  AAR and SBL need to implement a toilet policy that makes us all safe as we relieve ourselves or wash our hands.

Furthermore, AAR’s policy is biased against #PrivateToiletters and as such makes me feel unsafe and undervalued.  Indeed, I feel threatened to violence by any toilet policy which doesn’t take my personal needs and desires into account.  A toilet should be a safe, odor free, person free zone where all of us can individually do that which nature demands we do and since nature demands we do it all by ourselves, the toilet policy of the AAR and SBL should implement its possibility.

#ToiletPrivacyInSanAntonio #AAR #SBL.

 
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Posted by on 22/06/2016 in AAR, mockery, Modern Culture

 

The “Jesus Wife” Fragment: Coming Soon To A Theater Near You!

It’s the exciting story of how wanting to find something with all your heart that lends support to one of your pet theories results in shoddy scholarship and utter embarrassment.  Starring Karin Keeng and Antonio Banderas!

You’ll want to take your kids to see it!

 
 
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