Archive for the ‘mockery’ Category
It’s ‘extreme vetting. and I mean extreme vetting…’
After a 12-hour, drug-fueled night of club hopping, local party girl Jenny Wilson suddenly came down off her high to realize she was just in the middle of a local church’s worship set Sunday morning.
According to sources, at around 8 a.m. Wilson had told an Uber driver to take her to The Gathering, a dance club downtown—but the driver instead dropped her off at a church with the same name, which was just beginning its early service. As Wilson saw the fog billowing out of the sanctuary and the laser lights dancing around the room, she figured she was in the right place and began getting her dance on.
“Gathering—are you ready to rock?” the worship leader yelled out to kick off the service, generating loud cheers from the audience—and especially from Wilson.
Congregants didn’t realize anything was amiss for some time, as Wilson’s wild dancing and trance-like state weren’t so different from most of the regulars in attendance.
“I just thought the Spirit had really, really baptized her this morning,” one audience member said afterward. “Not like the boring, run-of-the-mill baptism when you get saved, but like—really baptized.”
As the drugs began to wear off, Wilson reportedly noticed the stainless steel cross hanging from the rafters, and in a moment of terror, realized she was actually in a church service, causing her to bolt out the main doors. She then reportedly called another Uber driver to take her home.
“I was three sheets, for sure. But still, I can’t believe I didn’t realize I was in a church for so long,” she told reporters. “I’m just glad I finally saw that cross—otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to tell the place apart from my usual hangouts.” “At least the DJ was on point,” she added.
It’s the sort of ‘church’ Rob Bell and Rachel Held Evans would call home. And, truth told, if they would, you shouldn’t…
The most decorated Olympian of all time, American swimmer Michael Phelps, has become a bona fide Christian icon since extending one finger skyward after he won Gold in the Men’s 200-Meter Butterfly event earlier this week, sources confirmed Friday.
Narrowly capturing the win in the Tuesday night race, he immediately put his index finger in the air, held it there, and even wiggled it back and forth for emphasis, as if to say, “Don’t miss this finger I am pointing toward Heaven. I do not deserve the glory for this win—Almighty God does!” The reaction from Christian social media was immediate and widespread.
“So happy to see Phelps praising GOD. What a witness FOR HIM!” commented one Twitter user, before later adding “Michael Phelps is clearly a CHRISTIAN ROLE MODEL! Hope kids are watching! #GOAT”
“Michael Phelps winning hearts and minds. Someone get him in the pulpit!” enthused another Twitter user, while one Facebook user posted a 700-word discourse calling for more unashamed believers in the same inspirational, evangelical vein as the legendary swimmer.
By Friday morning the rest of the web had caught up. The Christian Post ran an article called “Why Phelps Matters to Evangelicals,” which was countered by a HuffPo Religion article entitled “Why Evangelicals Are Wrong About Phelps (and Also Women Pastors).” Shortly thereafter, a Charisma Magazine columnist penned the thought-provoking piece “Michael Phelps Could Be a Harbinger of the Jubilee Dominion Claiming of Sports.” Even Time noted the phenomenon, running a short piece asking “Will Phelps Prove Dangerous To LGBT Olympians?”
A brief survey of social media indicated a multitude of Christians had changed their profile pictures to the iconic image of Phelps pointing up. Additionally, Phelps was said to be offered a cameo in the upcoming movie God’s Not Dead 3: God Harder. As perhaps a fitting coronation for the greatest swimmer of all time, Desiring God published an article Friday titled “The Soul-Satisfying Journey of Michael Phelps: Glorifying God In Hedonistic Swimming Satisfaction.”
At publishing time, sources reported that Phelps had held up four fingers after a successive win on Thursday night, which was being seen as confirmation of his sainthood, as it was a clear attempt to one-up his previous shout-out to God by pointing not just his index finger, but his entire hand heavenward, in a remarkable gesture of thanks and reverence to his Creator.
‘Evangelicals’ actually do try to make even the most non-Christians among us Christian symbols. Just look what they’ve done with Donald Trump…
Why work on a sermon when you can visit this website and get outlines and ideas and illustrations!!!! Inspire your church with your skills of plagiarism!
“The Journaling Bible” – It’s The Perfect Gift For the Feckless Millennial In Your Life (i.e., Living off of You)
Zondervan announced Thursday an exciting new wide-margin journaling edition of its popular NIV Bible translation which eliminates the biblical text altogether to provide readers with more space to write their own thoughts, ideas, and feelings as they study God’s Word.
“Our surveys and market observations have consistently indicated that readers want more and more space for their own thoughts and doodles and such, and we can only make the book so large,” a Zondervan representative told reporters. “The obvious solution was to continue to thin out the biblical text, leading us to this inevitable conclusion—removing it entirely.”
“According to early feedback, people are thrilled with this new product. And since there are no printed words in this Bible, we were able to shorten it considerably, making it one of our most portable and convenient renderings of Scripture.”
When asked why consumers would pay $34.99 for what is essentially the same product as a journal they could pick up at Walmart for less than five dollars, the representative laughed. “There are many diaries, sketch pads, and journals in the world, but none of them come close to the majesty of God’s Holy Word.”
It’s great for Pentecostals too!