Zwinglius Redivivus

Nihil salvum esse potest, donec rabies. – John Calvin

Archive for the ‘mockery’ Category

I Would Absolutely Buy It

leave a comment »


Specifically targeting the lucrative Christian market for the first time in celebration of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation, Amazon just released a new version of its Amazon Echo device that is shaped like Reformer Martin Luther.

Dubbed the “Amazon Luther,” the new device is programmed to answer all your theology questions in the Reformer’s trademark aggressive tone and style.

An Amazon rep gave a demo at the press conference announcing the device, showing off some of its dynamic responses:

“Luther, can you tell me about the Pope?”

The Pope is a mere tormentor of conscience. The assembly of his greased and religious crew in praying is altogether like the croaking of frogs, which edifies nothing at all.

“Luther, am I a good person?”

You are a sinner, you’re dead, you’re eaten up with corruption. Every free choice of yours is evil and not good.

“Luther, is Joel Osteen a solid preacher?”

Yes, Joel is an excellent person, as skillful, clever, and versed in Holy Scripture as a cow in a walnut tree or a sow on a harp.

The device was programmed to showcase as much scathing wit as Martin Luther had himself as he responded to his various theological and political foes throughout his years, and will quickly snap back to anything you ask it with a “brutal fatality,” claim Amazon’s product engineers.

According to Amazon, the device will also be able to order beer straight to the user’s home, jovially shouting, “Yes, let us drink beer!” whenever the consumer does so.

I’d buy one for every room.

Written by Jim

17 Sep 2018 at 11:52 am

The New iPhone Has Features for the Christian Sermon Ignorer

leave a comment »

The new Apple iPhone will now include a “panic button” that will allow Christians to quickly switch from Facebook, other social media, or video games over to the Bible app for whenever they get caught messing around on their phone in church, Apple announced Tuesday.

The feature can be added on for just $299 as an option while purchasing your new iPhone online.

Speaking at the highly anticipated iPhone 8 event Tuesday morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook demonstrated how the easily accessible button will instantly pull up the passage being preached on, hiding from viewers how you were actually goofing off on your phone just moments before.

“No matter if you’re commanding your armies in Clash of Clans or Facebook-stalking an old friend from high school, the iPanic Button will immediately make it look like you’re actually paying attention to the sermon,” Cook said to wild cheers from the audience. “Now you can look spiritual to the ushers, deacons, and passersby without having to hear a single word the pastor preaches each Sunday.”

“There’s just one more thing,” he added as the crowd leaned in with suspense. “The iPhone 8 will also automatically check you in at church, so your reputation as a holy Christian will be broadcast to all your friends and family.”

The crowd went wild, and Apple’s website went down almost immediately due to the volume of Christians attempting to order the phone.

Browse on, brave Christian.  Browse on…

Written by Jim

13 Sep 2018 at 7:51 am

Posted in disdain, media, mockery

Robert Jeffress Asks Congregation to Stand for the Reading of Donald Trump’s Tweets

leave a comment »

As part of the church’s weekly patriotic service held Sunday, Pastor Robert Jeffress reportedly asked the congregation at First Baptist Dallas to stand for the traditional reading of Trump’s latest flurry of tweets.

“Let’s all take a moment and stand now in reverence as we listen to the infallible, inspired words of Trump,” Jeffress said solemnly. “If you have your smartphone with you, please turn with me to We’ll be reading out of Trump’s September 5 tweets on down through the end of the week.”

Pastor Jeffress also indicated that if anyone didn’t have their smartphone with them, there was a hard-copy, leather-bound printout of Trump’s tweets available in the book rack in front of them.

“Thus saith the Lord,” he began, before reading Trump’s infamous “TREASON?” tweet and proceeding through everything else the President posted that week. Jeffress’ inflection rose and fell as he attempted to replicate the passion, emotion, and pure rage indicated in the original inspired texts penned by Trump throughout the week. The Dallas preacher also got choked up when he began reading a post in which the President criticized the New York Times. “Excuse me. Sorry—sometimes I just get a little misty-eyed when I browse through Don’s Twitter feed.”

“May Trump add his blessing to this reading and to our nation. Amen,” he concluded at last, wiping tears from his eyes from moving tweets like “Make your products in the United States instead of China. Start building new plants now. Exciting!” and “What was Nike thinking?”

This is actually a spot on portrayal of Jeffress’s heretical servitude to Trumpianity.  The sad thing is that the deluded people of First Baptist, Dallas keep going along with Jeffress.

Written by Jim

10 Sep 2018 at 12:51 pm

Join Me In A Moment of Silence to Express Gratitude for the Brave Anonymous Internet Commentators

leave a comment »

Join me, if you will, in a moment of quiet appreciation for the brave, brave souls who tweet and comment behind the veil of anonymity.  Seldom have so many said so much and sacrificed so little (in fact, nothing).  Imagine the depth of courage it must take to make remarks for which you are not held accountable.  Such courage…

These brave souls labor every day to make sure that their ‘truth’ is out there and since they can bob and weave under the cover of darkness they are more than happy to do so. Happy and quite self satisfied.

What honorable souls.  Join me in giving thanks for them…

Written by Jim

9 Sep 2018 at 3:52 pm

Posted in disdain, mockery

I Suppose If You’re Going to Speculate, Go Ahead And Make The Whole Thing Up

leave a comment »

What says speculation like asking questions about what a guy who lived BEFORE someone thinks of what someone they never knew, read, or encountered thought….

We need a new reality tv series called ‘scholarship gone wild’ where unhinged academics get together and talk about stuff they completely make up and publish.  And whoever has the dumbest most speculative idea ‘wins’.

I nominate this guy for episode one.

Written by Jim

23 Aug 2018 at 5:28 am

Allegorical Interpretation Displayed

This is what the Church Fathers do when they exegete… With thanks to Chuck for the video hat tip.

Written by Jim

16 Aug 2018 at 1:47 pm

Posted in mockery

Apparently There Aren’t As Many White Nationalists As We’ve Been Led to Believe…

Or they’re too lazy to get out and march.  And given the fact that photos I’ve seen of most of them are of folks too large to walk and too old and inbred to read, I wouldn’t be surprised if that weren’t the case.

Several members of the press expressed their “extreme disappointment” that the white nationalist rally they hyped up for an entire week was only attended by 30 people Saturday.

“We really wanted to use this to inflame the race war, so we were pretty bummed when we couldn’t get a good shot of millions of neo-Nazis marching through the streets of Washington,” said one CNN reporter. “Would have fit perfectly with our narrative. Oh well.”

The media stated they’ve seen greater numbers of people even at low-attendance events like anti-NASA flat earth protests, Hillary Clinton rallies, and Episcopal Church meetings.

“It was just sad.”

Reporters and journalists on the left vowed to continue to stoke the fires of racial tensions, hopefully getting more people to show up whenever another rally is announced.

“There’s always next year,” a somber MSNBC anchor said.

Written by Jim

13 Aug 2018 at 1:21 pm

Posted in mockery

Devout Christian Sets Aside Few Minutes To Think About Reading His Bible

Thy name is Legion

A new report has indicated that local devout Christian man Brian Metford took a few minutes out of his busy morning schedule to think about reading his Bible this morning.

The man was proud to report he’d “strongly considered” reading his Bible for several minutes before deciding to do something else.

“It’s important to think about reading your Bible every day,” Metford said. “Especially when the busyness of your everyday schedule threatens to take away those precious few minutes with God. You have to make it a habit to stop whatever you’re doing every morning and think about possibly picking up your Bible and reading it.”

Metford never actually reads his Bible, but he’s still a strong proponent of Christians considering reading their Bibles before doing something with more “immediate gratification,” like binge-watching The Office on Netflix again, logging onto Steam for a few hours of Counter-Strike, or just staring at the ceiling thinking about how bored they are.

He encourages his fellow Christians to make thinking about reading their Bibles the first thing they do in the day, before they reject the idea out of hand in order to browse Facebook and Twitter for an hour or two on their smartphones.

“How can we say we follow Christ if we don’t love the thought of reading His Word?—in a totally theoretical sense of course.”

Written by Jim

2 Aug 2018 at 1:38 pm

Posted in mockery

Breaking News: An Archaeological Discovery That May Change Everything!!!

Jerusalem:  DP –  Archaeologist Rob Farfella today announced at a packed press conference that he and his team of international archaeologists working for the Bradbury Archaological Referendum have discovered a parchment in Jerusalem that may indeed be ancient and may contain a series of laws that may date to the 10th century BCE and which may show that maybe some of the laws in the Hebrew Bible may be related potentially to laws that may have originated in Egypt or maybe Babylonia.

Farfella went on to describe the location of the artifact’s extraction as maybe a controlled dig or maybe a shop in Jerusalem’s Old City.  Photos of the artifact may be forthcoming, possibly and potentially, if the IAA gives the discoverers permission potentially.

Fortunately a photo of the image has been leaked by the excavation team:

The excavation team has dubbed this potentially important manuscript ‘Codex Farfellensis Imbecilicus’.

Reports from other sources indicate that there may be nothing at all to the claims being made in today’s presser by Farfella and BAR.  ‘Skepticism is always appropriate when it comes to the announcements of the importance of such trinkets’ said Cindy Tubors of Harvard U.

Other scholars may weigh in, maybe, said Tubors as she wandered off from the press conference to imbibe at the local tavern and lament the death of archaeological seriousness.

Written by Jim

31 Jul 2018 at 10:30 am

This Made Me Laugh Out Loud, Literally

So funny because there are folk who ‘sign’ emails with great swaths of quotes:

In a step of great faith and piety, local Christian Dylan Moore announced Friday morning that his email signature has been changed from a short quote taken from 1 Corinthians to the entire Book of Isaiah.

“I just want to be sure that anyone I send digital correspondence to knows that I’m not just a regular Christian—I’m a hardcore follower of Christ,” Moore told reporters. “Whether I’m emailing my insurance agent, my work associates, or a random dude selling video games on Craigslist, they’ll know the extreme nature of my faith.”

While Moore revealed that he rarely mentions Christ directly when emailing his friends, family, or acquaintances, he noted that readers scrolling to the bottom of his otherwise secular and mundane messages were immediately blasted with the scathing words of the prophet Isaiah, in their entirety.

The disciple of Christ reports winning zero converts so far with his innovative approach to evangelism, adding that many of his emails have bounced due to the size of his digital missives. Still, Moore states he’s confident that in time, the email sign-off containing all sixty-six chapters of Isaiah will bear much fruit.

“‘They will know us by our email signatures,’ I always say.”

Written by Jim

28 Jul 2018 at 7:50 am

Posted in mockery

#ICYMI – The Bee Stings the Ridiculous Interpretations of Revelation

In a groundbreaking discovery sure to change the future of eschatological studies, scholars revealed Monday that the autograph of the book of Revelation originally included a detailed end times and rapture chart to help readers make sense of the apocalyptic literature.

Archaeologists working on the island of Patmos recently uncovered the original autograph of the book and found the intricate chart detailing the church age, pre-tribulation rapture of the church, seven-year period of turmoil, and subsequent millennial reign of Christ. The chart also featured detailed descriptions of each of the twenty-one dispensations of history, scholars confirmed.

“This is an exciting discovery,” lead archaeologist Dr. Wendell Holmes told reporters. “End-times charts have become a popular past-time of the church over the past century, and now we know there is solid biblical warrant for their existence.”

Holmes further stated that the find confirmed that the futurist, premillennial framework for interpreting the book of Revelation is the correct one, much to the delight of modern end times prophecy experts like John Hagee, David Jeremiah, and Hal Lindsey.

At publishing time, scholars had also confirmed the discovery of the Apostle John’s rudimentary, parchment-based prophecy blog, on which he posted constant prophecy updates predicting the Lord Jesus would return by 1988.

It’s funny because there are people who really think like that.

Written by Jim

28 Jul 2018 at 7:31 am

In Most Cases, Let’s Be Honest, That Would Be A Vast Improvement…

Via the Bee

Following the city of Seattle’s minimum wage hike in January, Carver Street Church of God has announced that the position of youth pastor will be filled by a self-service kiosk called MATT (Multi-Platform Automated Teaching Tool).

According to designers at ChrisTech, the base model MATT comes preloaded with everything a congregation may need from a youth pastor.

MATT can perform all of the following tasks:

  • Reference the latest films, television shows, and music
  • Provide encouragement after stinging “Bible Bowl” defeats
  • Offer theologically dubious analogies
  • Teach a “new songs” class on Tuesday nights
  • Fill in for a congregation’s regular minister on fifth Sundays
  • Fire off some “lit devos” at will
  • Play a “mean game of hacky sack.”

“MATT really is the perfect youth pastor,” says Paul Hoover, chief technology officer of ChrisTech. “A lot of young people find it increasingly difficult to connect with human beings, but MATT gives them a familiar screen.”

While the Carver Street Church of God is the first religious organization to give MATT a trial run, ChrisTech anticipates that by the end of 2025, more than half of all churches will have such a system.

“It’s only been six months, and we don’t even remember what life was like before MATT,” elder George Herman told The Babylon Bee. “He does everything our former youth pastor did without complaining, without being paid, and without requiring a background check.”

In the near future, ChrisTech plans to introduce new features, such as the hotly anticipated “MobileMATT,” an on-the-go youth pastor that uses proprietary software to tie pop culture figures and events to biblical characters and scripture.

In most cases it’s probably an improvement…

Written by Jim

25 Jul 2018 at 4:10 pm

Posted in mockery

The Bee Stings ‘Evangelicals’, Again


After CNN released a tape of a conversation between Donald Trump and lawyer Michael Cohen discussing how to pay off a Playboy model that might damage his presidential campaign, the President admitted he is “totally baffled” that evangelical support for him has held steady.

Trump offered his candid thoughts on Christians staying behind him despite revelation after revelation of his shady dealings and sordid past in a cabinet meeting Wednesday morning.

“I mean, I’m literally on tape discussing how to pay off a Playboy model I—ALLEGEDLY—had an affair with,” Trump said, shrugging and shaking his head. “I just can’t seem to make my numbers among evangelicals go down. Believe me, I’m trying. I’m trying everything I can. They just hang around. Sad!”

“What do I have to do, kill a guy?”

Trump also pointed to his policies, including destructive tariffs, federal bailouts for businesses harmed by those tariffs, massive federal spending and deficits, and provoking foreign leaders with unhinged Twitter rants. “All of this stuff and they don’t even blink.”

“I’ll give them that my Supreme Court picks haven’t been too bad. That’s true. I do have great Court nominees,” he added after listening to input from his cabinet members for several seconds. “But man, how much bad are they willing to put up with in order to get a little good? Baffling.”

Sarcasm aside, baffling indeed.

Written by Jim

25 Jul 2018 at 1:08 pm

Posted in mockery

You Know You’re A Celebrity Pastor When You Have Staff to Tweet For You!

Written by Jim

25 Jul 2018 at 12:51 pm

Posted in mockery

The Real Sharks This Shark Week are Prosperity Preachers

Discovery Channel To Feature Deadly Prosperity Gospel Preachers For Shark Week

As part of its annual Shark Week programming, the Discovery Channel announced Sunday evening it would be featuring the world’s most dangerous prosperity gospel preachers in order to raise public awareness of the deadly predators.

The cable science channel will feature a wide array of prosperity preachers throughout the week, including Joel Osteen, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Joyce Meyer, Joseph Prince, Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, and Benny Hinn, showcasing their inhuman ability to mangle the Scriptures and devour unsuspecting victims.

“This here is a prime example of the prosperity preacher in his natural habitat,” a commentator said over horrifying Benny Hinn footage in Sunday night’s Shark Week premiere. “See how the cold-blooded predator draws in its prey and then goes for the kill? Utterly horrifying.”

The documentary footage, collected over the past year, also shows moving footage of the millions of third-world believers still living in poverty after giving their life savings to the savage beasts.

“The prosperity gospel preacher in its native environment is one of nature’s most terrifying predators,” a Discovery Channel representative said. “We could just keep featuring sea-dwelling sharks year after year, but honestly they’re pretty boring compared to the ruthlessness of a Copeland or a Dollar ambushing an unsuspecting believer and tearing their bank account to shreds.”

“It sends shivers down my spine,” he added with a shudder.

According to the Discovery Channel, the footage will be preceded by a graphic content warning, as the cable channel states that watching Christians become ensnared by prosperity gospel preachers is not for the faint of heart.

Written by Jim

23 Jul 2018 at 4:26 pm

If Other People Acted Like Donald Trump…

“I never called the Church the Whore of Babylon, and I’ve had no contact with Nebuchadnezzar—who’s a great ruler, by the way, we’re going to build a magnificent hotel there soon. Whores? –I’ve only been to Babylon once. There aren’t any tapes of my being there, right? No tapes—right, Neb? <nervous smile>” — Martin Luther*

The Reformation? Many people say it was Luther. It might have been Luther. I have no reason not to believe that it wouldn’t not have been Luther. But it could have been someone else—there were a lot who wanted to make it happen. Might have been Erasmus, or a Dominican friar selling indulgences. But just to clarify: I don’t disbelieve that Luther wasn’t the one who started the Reformation. Why is the Fake News going crazy about this? — John Calvin*

Thou shalt not not murder. — Moses

When I said you should love your neighbor as yourself I really meant to say ‘Should’t”. — Jesus

Don’t eat those sausages.  The fake news MSM changed what I said just to make me look all ‘Reformy’.  But I clearly said ‘don’t eat those sausages’.– Huldrych Zwingli

*Via Ralph Keen.

Written by Jim

18 Jul 2018 at 11:32 am

Posted in mockery

The Bee Scorches Jordan Peterson’s Christian Sycophants

In a joyful ceremony, Christian leaders gathered to grant Jordan Peterson the status of honorary Christian. Though the Canadian professor has never identified as a Christian and does not attend any church, a vote was taken and the decision was made unanimously that Peterson had earned his salvation and could be drafted into heaven by popular vote.

“Most people are saved by grace,” said one of the pastors who presented the award, “Jordan Peterson isn’t most people.”

Though Peterson holds a number of highly controversial views such as that most societal problems are really complicated, men shouldn’t be deadbeats, speech should be free, and that becoming dogmatically ideological stunts intellectual and moral growth, the Christian leaders decided to overlook these grievous sins and still honor him with the award.

Peterson was given a medallion as one of the coordinating pastors led a prayer asking that God grant Peterson salvation through the prayers of those present, whether or not Peterson himself had actually accepted Christ or believed in God. “What do you mean by God?” Peterson asked in the middle of the prayer. “It’s an attempt to box me in, man. I don’t like that.” Peterson’s comments went unaddressed as the prayer continued for his honorary redemption. “Well that’s a thing to pray,” Peterson said. Still he was ignored.

Many went forward to cite the reasons they believed Peterson deserved to be made an honorary Christian. “He’s read and studied more of the Bible than 90% of actual believers,” said one speaker. “He’s given numerous lectures that are straight out of Scripture,” said another, citing the fact that many pastors can’t even pull that off. A number of male youth pastors said they particularly liked that he advocated forcing single women to marry undesirable men, but then were corrected by Peterson himself. “I never said that, man. Get your facts straight.” Other reasons given were that he only uses PG swears, he eats a lot of bacon, and he has “triggered more snowflakes” and been called a far-right Christian hatemonger more times than most Christians will in several lifetimes.

“He’s bolder about his faith than most of us who profess to believe,” the closing speaker said. “To me, this was a no-brainer.”

Peterson was offered communion, then was asked, “So what you’re saying is… by eating of this table you accept the atoning sacrifice and God’s gift of salvation?” Peterson responded, “I didn’t say that, man. You’re putting words in my mouth.”

When asked how Peterson felt about being the first man in history to receive salvation against his will he replied with a long, tortured silence. “That’s a big question, man. It could take years to unpack that,” he finally replied. At publishing time, Peterson still had not responded.

Scathing.  And right on the money.  Christian sycophants of Peterson are acting like pagans.

Written by Jim

17 Jul 2018 at 3:36 pm

Posted in mockery

Steven Furtick’s ‘Tithe Your Age’ Campaign Aims to Get Young Kids into Church for a Steep Age Driven Discount

His idea seems to be catching on with other churches too– of the emergent variety.

In an effort to bolster its diminishing youth attendance numbers, Pomona Life Community Church announced on its Facebook page Friday its upcoming “Tithe Your Age Sunday.”

Younger churchgoers are expected to line up around the block to get into the service, so they can worship God while only putting a small bill or two into the offering plate.

“This is a really great deal,” said Pastor Paul. “You get to worship alongside the people of God, all for the low, low price of your age, and no one can even give you a dirty look when you merely drop a 20-spot into the plate.”

“This great deal won’t last, so hurry in, millennials! We’re hip!” he said.

The pastor further stated that there may be up to a 12-hour wait to get into one of the church’s four weekend services, and that security would be standing by to look out for cheapskate older churchgoers trying to claim they are much younger than they actually are.

“I just feel really bad for Gertrude, our 102-year-old regular,” he added, shrugging. “But what can you do?”

Written by Jim

13 Jul 2018 at 2:18 pm

Posted in mockery

Ben Sasse only Has One More Chance to Bow to Trump’s Statue Or He’ll Be Tossed in the Fiery Furnace

The Babylon Bee, the source for all facts political, has the details:

After being summoned to a meeting with President Trump in a secret chamber twelve floors beneath the White House, Senator Ben Sasse optimistically assumed the president simply wanted to hear some of his concerns and see whether they could cooperate on common political goals.

But when Sasse arrived to the meeting place, Trump himself was nowhere to be found. Two GOP thugs reportedly jumped out and grabbed him, ordering him to bow before a towering Trump statue under threat of being thrown into a fiery furnace.

“When you hear the Christian hymn ‘Make America Great Again,’ bow before the statue,” one of the Republican goons growled in Sasse’s ear. “Almost everyone else in the Party has bowed. What’s the harm? Everyone’s doing it. I would hate for that nice suit to get… extra crispy.”

But Sasse refused to bow throughout the playing of the song, and so was given one last chance. When he still did not comply, Republican henchmen heated the furnace seven times, grabbed a struggling Sasse by the collar, and hucked him in.

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that although the Republican brute squad had thrown in one figure, they were amazed and frightened to see two figures still standing unharmed in the flames.

Written by Jim

12 Jul 2018 at 11:45 am

Posted in mockery

A Brief History of America- Through the Eyes of David Barton

Today, everyone around the world celebrates American Independence Day. Sadly, while all 7 billion people on the planet enjoy the firework displays and barbecued hot dogs and hamburgers, a very small number know the real history of this great day. The least you can do is to take a few minutes out of all the merry-making to solemnly reflect on the long, storied history of America and the Fourth of July.

TWENTIETH CENTURY B.C.—God calls Abram and covenants with him, promising to give his descendants all the land between the Eastern Seaboard and California, and also Alaska and Hawaii and some territories and a bunch of military bases all over the world. This Promised Land is called AMERICA.

FIFTEENTH CENTURY B.C.—Moses leads the Israelites on a daring escape from Egypt, culminating with the Hebrews sneaking across the Red Sea on Christmas Eve, Moses holding the American flag high, in order to surprise the Hessian forces at Trenton.

ELEVENTH CENTURY B.C.—David the shepherd boy battles the Philistine Goliath, running into battle while whistling the now-famous tune “Yankee Doodle” and firing an AR-15. Goliath is quickly frightened and dispatched.

2 B.C.—The Magi visiting from the East bring exotic gifts for the young Messiah, including gold, frankincense, and those small American flags people wave at parades and patriotic church services.

1492—Christopher Columbus attempts to circumnavigate the globe to reach India, but instead lands in the New World, where he discovers many natural resources. Chief among these was an ample supply of M-249 machine guns and lifted Chevy trucks, which Columbus was able to acquire through shrewd trading of key items like grains, rum, and smallpox.

1776—In a move that finally grants the Promised Land to God’s chosen people as prophesied numerous times throughout the Old Testament, America declares independence from the British. (Everything before this is basically just a prologue—the real history of the world starts here.)

1861—The American Civil War breaks out—err, sorry, the War of Northern Aggression, or the War for Southern Independence or something. Actually we’re still fighting about what the war was really about, which will probably lead to another civil war at some point here.

1914—World War I explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1939—World War II explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1962—The world finds its attention riveted on the potentially disastrous Cuban Missile Crisis, a brief period of sharp tension between the US and the Soviet Union. The crisis is finally defused when President Kennedy offers Khrushchev a souvenir bobblehead of George Washington from the White House gift shop.

1989—The wall literally and symbolically separating East and West Berlin is torn down, signalling how much awesomer America was than the USSR. America relaxes from all the Cold War fighting but announces it will try to provoke tensions with Russia again in a few decades “just to keep things interesting.”

2008—Obama is elected President of the United States and immediately reveals he is in fact Sauron, Lord of Mordor and enemy of the free peoples of the earth. His reign begins to cover all the land with darkness, but a small band of freedom fighters keeps the dream of America alive throughout his eight years of terror.

2016—Trump is elected President of the United States. His first act in office is to restore the celebration of Independence Day, which hadn’t been recognized under Obama. World peace is achieved.

Now that you’ve been educated, don’t just keep it to yourself. Go tell a friend the gospel of the United States today!

Written by Jim

4 Jul 2018 at 4:18 pm

Posted in mockery