RSS

Category Archives: mockery

The Bee Scorches Jordan Peterson’s Christian Sycophants

In a joyful ceremony, Christian leaders gathered to grant Jordan Peterson the status of honorary Christian. Though the Canadian professor has never identified as a Christian and does not attend any church, a vote was taken and the decision was made unanimously that Peterson had earned his salvation and could be drafted into heaven by popular vote.

“Most people are saved by grace,” said one of the pastors who presented the award, “Jordan Peterson isn’t most people.”

Though Peterson holds a number of highly controversial views such as that most societal problems are really complicated, men shouldn’t be deadbeats, speech should be free, and that becoming dogmatically ideological stunts intellectual and moral growth, the Christian leaders decided to overlook these grievous sins and still honor him with the award.

Peterson was given a medallion as one of the coordinating pastors led a prayer asking that God grant Peterson salvation through the prayers of those present, whether or not Peterson himself had actually accepted Christ or believed in God. “What do you mean by God?” Peterson asked in the middle of the prayer. “It’s an attempt to box me in, man. I don’t like that.” Peterson’s comments went unaddressed as the prayer continued for his honorary redemption. “Well that’s a thing to pray,” Peterson said. Still he was ignored.

Many went forward to cite the reasons they believed Peterson deserved to be made an honorary Christian. “He’s read and studied more of the Bible than 90% of actual believers,” said one speaker. “He’s given numerous lectures that are straight out of Scripture,” said another, citing the fact that many pastors can’t even pull that off. A number of male youth pastors said they particularly liked that he advocated forcing single women to marry undesirable men, but then were corrected by Peterson himself. “I never said that, man. Get your facts straight.” Other reasons given were that he only uses PG swears, he eats a lot of bacon, and he has “triggered more snowflakes” and been called a far-right Christian hatemonger more times than most Christians will in several lifetimes.

“He’s bolder about his faith than most of us who profess to believe,” the closing speaker said. “To me, this was a no-brainer.”

Peterson was offered communion, then was asked, “So what you’re saying is… by eating of this table you accept the atoning sacrifice and God’s gift of salvation?” Peterson responded, “I didn’t say that, man. You’re putting words in my mouth.”

When asked how Peterson felt about being the first man in history to receive salvation against his will he replied with a long, tortured silence. “That’s a big question, man. It could take years to unpack that,” he finally replied. At publishing time, Peterson still had not responded.

Scathing.  And right on the money.  Christian sycophants of Peterson are acting like pagans.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on 17 Jul 2018 in mockery

 

Steven Furtick’s ‘Tithe Your Age’ Campaign Aims to Get Young Kids into Church for a Steep Age Driven Discount

His idea seems to be catching on with other churches too– of the emergent variety.

In an effort to bolster its diminishing youth attendance numbers, Pomona Life Community Church announced on its Facebook page Friday its upcoming “Tithe Your Age Sunday.”

Younger churchgoers are expected to line up around the block to get into the service, so they can worship God while only putting a small bill or two into the offering plate.

“This is a really great deal,” said Pastor Paul. “You get to worship alongside the people of God, all for the low, low price of your age, and no one can even give you a dirty look when you merely drop a 20-spot into the plate.”

“This great deal won’t last, so hurry in, millennials! We’re hip!” he said.

The pastor further stated that there may be up to a 12-hour wait to get into one of the church’s four weekend services, and that security would be standing by to look out for cheapskate older churchgoers trying to claim they are much younger than they actually are.

“I just feel really bad for Gertrude, our 102-year-old regular,” he added, shrugging. “But what can you do?”

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 13 Jul 2018 in mockery

 

Ben Sasse only Has One More Chance to Bow to Trump’s Statue Or He’ll Be Tossed in the Fiery Furnace

The Babylon Bee, the source for all facts political, has the details:

After being summoned to a meeting with President Trump in a secret chamber twelve floors beneath the White House, Senator Ben Sasse optimistically assumed the president simply wanted to hear some of his concerns and see whether they could cooperate on common political goals.

But when Sasse arrived to the meeting place, Trump himself was nowhere to be found. Two GOP thugs reportedly jumped out and grabbed him, ordering him to bow before a towering Trump statue under threat of being thrown into a fiery furnace.

“When you hear the Christian hymn ‘Make America Great Again,’ bow before the statue,” one of the Republican goons growled in Sasse’s ear. “Almost everyone else in the Party has bowed. What’s the harm? Everyone’s doing it. I would hate for that nice suit to get… extra crispy.”

But Sasse refused to bow throughout the playing of the song, and so was given one last chance. When he still did not comply, Republican henchmen heated the furnace seven times, grabbed a struggling Sasse by the collar, and hucked him in.

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that although the Republican brute squad had thrown in one figure, they were amazed and frightened to see two figures still standing unharmed in the flames.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 12 Jul 2018 in mockery

 

A Brief History of America- Through the Eyes of David Barton

Today, everyone around the world celebrates American Independence Day. Sadly, while all 7 billion people on the planet enjoy the firework displays and barbecued hot dogs and hamburgers, a very small number know the real history of this great day. The least you can do is to take a few minutes out of all the merry-making to solemnly reflect on the long, storied history of America and the Fourth of July.

TWENTIETH CENTURY B.C.—God calls Abram and covenants with him, promising to give his descendants all the land between the Eastern Seaboard and California, and also Alaska and Hawaii and some territories and a bunch of military bases all over the world. This Promised Land is called AMERICA.

FIFTEENTH CENTURY B.C.—Moses leads the Israelites on a daring escape from Egypt, culminating with the Hebrews sneaking across the Red Sea on Christmas Eve, Moses holding the American flag high, in order to surprise the Hessian forces at Trenton.

ELEVENTH CENTURY B.C.—David the shepherd boy battles the Philistine Goliath, running into battle while whistling the now-famous tune “Yankee Doodle” and firing an AR-15. Goliath is quickly frightened and dispatched.

2 B.C.—The Magi visiting from the East bring exotic gifts for the young Messiah, including gold, frankincense, and those small American flags people wave at parades and patriotic church services.

1492—Christopher Columbus attempts to circumnavigate the globe to reach India, but instead lands in the New World, where he discovers many natural resources. Chief among these was an ample supply of M-249 machine guns and lifted Chevy trucks, which Columbus was able to acquire through shrewd trading of key items like grains, rum, and smallpox.

1776—In a move that finally grants the Promised Land to God’s chosen people as prophesied numerous times throughout the Old Testament, America declares independence from the British. (Everything before this is basically just a prologue—the real history of the world starts here.)

1861—The American Civil War breaks out—err, sorry, the War of Northern Aggression, or the War for Southern Independence or something. Actually we’re still fighting about what the war was really about, which will probably lead to another civil war at some point here.

1914—World War I explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1939—World War II explodes in Europe and spills out across the rest of the globe. Never one to turn down a good time, the United States shows up fashionably late with a six-pack of Budweiser while firing machine guns into the air.

1962—The world finds its attention riveted on the potentially disastrous Cuban Missile Crisis, a brief period of sharp tension between the US and the Soviet Union. The crisis is finally defused when President Kennedy offers Khrushchev a souvenir bobblehead of George Washington from the White House gift shop.

1989—The wall literally and symbolically separating East and West Berlin is torn down, signalling how much awesomer America was than the USSR. America relaxes from all the Cold War fighting but announces it will try to provoke tensions with Russia again in a few decades “just to keep things interesting.”

2008—Obama is elected President of the United States and immediately reveals he is in fact Sauron, Lord of Mordor and enemy of the free peoples of the earth. His reign begins to cover all the land with darkness, but a small band of freedom fighters keeps the dream of America alive throughout his eight years of terror.

2016—Trump is elected President of the United States. His first act in office is to restore the celebration of Independence Day, which hadn’t been recognized under Obama. World peace is achieved.

Now that you’ve been educated, don’t just keep it to yourself. Go tell a friend the gospel of the United States today!

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 4 Jul 2018 in mockery

 

The Bee Stings Fox the Fake News Propaganda Arm of Dear Leader’s Government

A Fox News reporter was able to catch up to President Trump on the White House lawn earlier this week, and immediately began to grill the president in an impromptu, hardball interview, asking the controversial commander in chief tough, pointed questions like “Why are you so great?” and “Is it difficult for you, being so amazing?”

Pundits from virtually every U.S. news network agreed the interview was one of the most brutal they’ve ever seen, with the Fox News reporter relentlessly roasting Trump on how great he is on everything from the economy to immigration.

“How do you sleep at night, knowing you’re the best president in our nation’s history?” the hard-edged reporter growled, getting into Trump’s face in the tense, confrontational encounter. “Honestly, you make me sick with your unparalleled leadership and fantastic policies. I just want to puke when I think about how wonderful you are.”

An uncomfortable Trump attempted to respond to the questions by saying he’s just doing the best job that he can, but the interviewer refused to take any of his answers at face value, instead cutting the president off to interrogate him ruthlessly on his spotless record and impeccable character. “How dare you suggest you’re anything less than perfect, Mr. President. HOW DARE YOU!”

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 20 Jun 2018 in mockery

 

MTV Momentarily Breaks Pattern And Airs Decency

A spokesperson for MTV has finally apologized after the cable channel aired Chris Pratt’s brief acceptance speech at the MTV Movie & TV Awards earlier this week, stating that the content of his address was not totally vapid, mindless trash, and as such wasn’t in line with the network’s usual programming standards and core values.

The spokesperson told MTV viewers that Pratt’s message of hope, faith, and responsibility is “totally at odds” with the values of the channel that airs an almost constant barrage of “Jersey Shore” and “Teen Mom” spin-offs. According to the spokesperson, Pratt’s speech wasn’t vetted in advance for positive, Judeo-Christian values. Censors scrambled to bleep out words like “God,” “love,” and “pray,” but “the damage was done.” The network claims it is putting new standards into place for future awards shows, and will train its censors to prevent the channel’s international audience from hearing anything remotely helpful and encouraging.

“We regret if any of our viewers were exposed to a positive, faith-affirming message, and would like to offer a weekend marathon of ‘Teen Mom 2’ as a way to make amends,” the spokesperson said in the heartfelt apology video. “While we made a mistake here, we’d like to remind our viewers that we are the number-one source of vapid, cynical entertainment for teens and young adults, and we’re committed to making up for airing Pratt’s speech by absolutely burying you with new episodes of ‘Ex on the Beach’ and ‘MTV Floribama Shore.’”

The network further apologized if any of its viewers have ever been exposed to music videos on its channel, and stated it would be redoubling its efforts to ensure actual music is never played on any of its programs.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 20 Jun 2018 in mockery

 

Deporting the ‘Illegal Immigrant’ Pregnant Mom But Allowing the Fetus to Stay: How the ‘Prolife’ Right Works

Prolife judge Anthony Gabel ordered Fairuz Naoum, a pregnant illegal immigrant, to be deported back to Iraq last week, just moments before giving her unborn baby permission to stay in the United States.

Gabel told EOTT this morning that 27-year-old Naoum, a Christian living in Dearborn, Michigan, would have to leave the country immediately, though her deportation back to her native Iraq meant a possible death sentence.

“I understand the gravity the situation,” Gabel said as he brushed off some lint from his “Choose Life” t-shirt. “I’m not stupid. I know that sending anyone, let alone a Christian, back to Iraq essentially means sending them back into ISIS territory, where they’ll will be hunted down for the foreseeable future. But unfortunately, she’s already outside of the womb, which means I owe her nothing.”

Gabel went on to say that the fetus inside Naoum had rights bestowed upon him by the Creator, and that he could not “in good conscience deport one of God’s creatures.”

“Under the ruling,” Gabel explained, “Naoum will be forced to either voluntarily leave the United States with her unborn baby, or to induce labor and to have the child, which would give the baby the right to…wait, giving birth to the baby would automatically make it no longer unborn, meaning I, a good Christian man, don’t have to give a crap about it.”

At press time, Gabel is looking into changing the ruling so that Naoum does not spawn another illegal immigrant that would most likely become a terrorist.

_______________

Yes, EOTT is a satire site.  But satire usually makes sense because it sounds true.  It’s mockery at its finest.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 19 Jun 2018 in mockery

 

Politicians Should Not Be Allowed Within 500 Miles of the Bible

They all distort it.  They are all dilettantes.

A new report performed by a coalition of Christian theologians confirmed Monday what many have already suspected: that the nation’s Democrats and Republicans are more divided than ever before over exactly how the Bible should be misinterpreted, misapplied, and misused to support their own political agenda.

The nation’s leftists and conservatives are drifting further and further apart as proponents of both worldviews grapple with how the Bible should be contorted in order to fit one’s political philosophy. While both Democrats and Republicans agree that the Bible should be ripped out of context at will in order to support one’s position, they couldn’t be further divided when it comes to exactly how the Bible should be exploited for political gain.

“While Democrats prefer to cite passages about treating the stranger and foreigner with compassion completely out of their original context, Republicans tend to focus on passages about obeying government authorities, while they themselves encourage dissent and resistance when given laws contradict the Bible,” said one researcher. “Although the left and the right have been split over many issues over the years, the deep divide over which Bible passages to cite and which to ignore in the midst of a given national policy debate represents perhaps the widest philosophical chasm we’ve seen between the two parties.”

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on 18 Jun 2018 in mockery, Modern Culture

 

Jeff Sessions Cites Herod’s Murder of the Children in Bethlehem as Evidence of the Biblical Nature of Trump’s Policy

In a press event Thursday, U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited the biblical example of Herod the Great and his mass murder of all the young boys in and near Bethlehem in order to defend the Trump Administration’s policy of separating illegal immigrant families at the United States-Mexico border.

Sessions pointed to the account of the slaughter of the infants by the government as a “great example” of a time where everyone involved should have respected the law of the land, “per Romans 13.”

“To our church friends out there, I would point you to the biblical hero Herod the Great and the way he separated infants from their families throughout the land,” Sessions said. “Orderly and lawful processes are good in themselves, as we can see in this account of a crazed ruler using government power to kill infant boys.”

“As is very clear from these passages, separating families at the border is totally Bible-based,” he concluded.

 
Comments Off on Jeff Sessions Cites Herod’s Murder of the Children in Bethlehem as Evidence of the Biblical Nature of Trump’s Policy

Posted by on 15 Jun 2018 in mockery

 

You Shouldn’t Work On Sunday… Unless It’s at a Restaurant Christians Like to go to After Church…

Here’s the story:

Long-standing member of First Baptist Church Adrienne Little went out to lunch after church on Sunday, as is her custom, and spent the entire time scolding her Applebee’s waiter for taking a shift on the Lord’s Day rather than dedicating the day to worshiping God, sources confirmed.

As the young server politely waited on Little and 14 of her church friends for over three hours, the woman continually berated him for working on a Sunday.

“Why are you not at church? Don’t you know today is the Lord’s Day?” the woman said, raising a judgmental eyebrow. “Also, bring me another salad. This one’s all wilted and not fresh at all. Honestly, who runs this place?”

“It’s just really sad to see how many young people think it’s OK to disrespect God by working on Sunday,” she said loudly as the busy server hurried over to another table. “I don’t know if I want to live in a country where this kind of thing is acceptable. Back in my day, nobody would have the nerve to dishonor God in that way.”

After sending back her entree a third time, Little wondered aloud why it is that restaurants are open on Sunday in the first place, blaming the phenomenon on “our godless culture” and former president Barack Obama. “This place we’re eating at should be closed to honor the Lord,” she grumbled, shaking her head.

Sources also claim Little left a dollar tip, later revealed to be a gospel tract rather than actual, legal tender.

 
Comments Off on You Shouldn’t Work On Sunday… Unless It’s at a Restaurant Christians Like to go to After Church…

Posted by on 11 Jun 2018 in mockery

 

Little Donnie’s Bedtime Book

 
Comments Off on Little Donnie’s Bedtime Book

Posted by on 8 Jun 2018 in mockery

 

Generation Entitled

According to sources, local man Greg Harding, who volunteered as a soccer and baseball coach and handed out hundreds of participation trophies throughout his tenure, launched into a long rant about “this generation” and how “these millennials don’t appreciate hard work.”

“I don’t know where they get this sense of accomplishment for doing absolutely nothing,” said the older man who had passed out truckloads of participation trophies, runner-up ribbons, and other meaningless awards to his kids and their teammates for decades. “I tell you what, they’re in for a rude awakening in a few years when they’ll have to be responsible for the trillions of dollars of debt racked up by politicians I voted for.”

Sources also confirmed Harding had allowed his kids to live with him until they were 25, given several of them jobs at his company, and always made sure they had the latest toys, gadgets, and other comforts.

“In my day, we did hard work and were rewarded for it. Nowadays, kids expect to be given juice boxes and orange slices just for showing up,” he said, though he himself had passed out juice and snacks to kids just for showing up to various sporting events throughout the years.

At publishing time, Harding had begun lamenting this generation’s “entitlement culture” as he wandered out to the mailbox to see if his social security check had come in yet.

 
Comments Off on Generation Entitled

Posted by on 7 Jun 2018 in mockery

 

Bono Is a ‘Convenience Store Christian’

As long as he can dash in and dash out whenever he wants, he’s cool with Christianity.

In a heartfelt announcement Tuesday, U2 frontman Bono confirmed he would resume pretending to be a Christian after the official U2 account voiced support for the recent repeal of the Eighth Amendment in Ireland, which had prevented women from having abortions in the country.

The legendary musician had temporarily set aside his claimed Christianity during the campaign to repeal Ireland’s strict abortion restrictions, but confirmed he would be ending his hiatus from Christian values now that the measure has passed. The rock star reportedly feared losing U2’s large Christian fanbase and the adoration of worship leaders everywhere, but was able to assuage the concerns of these groups with his announcement.

“Now that the Eighth Amendment has been repealed, rest assured that I will continue to make vaguely Christian references in my interviews and music,” he said. “While I set aside my faith for a few weeks there to make sure that abortion would take over the once deeply religious nation of Ireland, I’m back and more passionate about Jesus and faith and love and stuff than ever.”

“Just, like, coexist, man,” he added.

Mockery well deserved.

 
Comments Off on Bono Is a ‘Convenience Store Christian’

Posted by on 29 May 2018 in mockery

 
Image

People Are Getting Dumber Every Day

 
Comments Off on People Are Getting Dumber Every Day

Posted by on 10 May 2018 in misery, mockery, Modern Culture

 

The Infallibility of Donald Trump According to Donald Trump and His Evangelical Supporters

Amid mounting pressure from his evangelical support base to take a stand on the issue, President Trump went on record Wednesday morning as fully affirming his personal belief in the doctrine of the inerrancy of President Trump.

Trump rejected theories that described his words as man-made and imperfect, and instead fully affirmed both the infallibility and the inerrancy of all of his statements, to the relief of conservative evangelicals everywhere.

“To be clear, I don’t simply believe my words are inspired or divinely breathed, but rather that they are completely and totally inerrant in the original context in which they were spoken,” Trump said in a press conference. “I reject all of that namby-pamby progressive Trumpology that says my words merely contain some kind of divine truth but might have some factual errors. That’s dangerous stuff. Heresy, really. The worst!”

Evangelicals have long debated the inerrancy of Trump, with the most recent public clash coming about at the International Council on Trumpal Inerrancy held during the 2016 election, during which hundreds of pastors and scholars signed the Chicago Statement on Trumpal Inerrancy.

“We are glad Trump is fully on board with dearly held Christian doctrines like the inerrancy of Trump,” Pastor Robert Jeffress said in an interview.

“It just goes to show he really is a man after Trump’s own heart.”

Source.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on 9 May 2018 in mockery

 

The Search For Authentic ‘Seekers’ is a Bust

After a massive, multi-million-dollar marketing campaign and far-reaching internet advertisement initiative, local seeker-sensitive church Widegate Community Church proudly announced it had successfully attracted every genuine seeker of God in the whole world to its Sunday service, bringing the attendance total to exactly zero.

Each and every person on planet earth who decided to seek God of their own will showed up to the historic service, so it was completely empty, according to the worship band and pastor. Church leaders opened up the doors bright and early and watched as wave after wave of absolutely nobody parked in the church’s giant parking lot and entered through its state-of-the-art foyer.

“Every single person who seeks after God without His divine prompting showed up,” lead pastor of vision casting Larry Anderson said. “We were really blowing the doors off with the zeroes and zeroes of people who came that day. It was totally a God thing.”

At publishing time, the church had announced it would be marketing its services exclusively to people with good hearts, and that leadership expected exactly zero people to make an appearance each Sunday.

Source.

It reminds me of a simple passage of Scripture-

The wicked in his proud countenance does not seek God; God is in none of his thoughts. (Ps. 10:4)

 
Comments Off on The Search For Authentic ‘Seekers’ is a Bust

Posted by on 9 May 2018 in mockery

 

Apparently Zondervan Is Planning Yet Another Edition of the NIV

A team of experts in biblical Greek released a report Tuesday confirming that the word often translated “repent” in most English versions of the New Testament is perhaps better rendered “you do you.”

Dr. Philip Manse of Fuller Theological Seminary, head scholar on a committee designed to review English renderings of the word, released a statement coinciding with the report confirming that repentance is better described as believing in yourself and following your dreams, rather than changing one’s mind and turning around one’s life.

“We’ve often assumed that Jesus’s command ‘metanoeite’ meant that we were to believe on him and abandon our old way of life,” Manse wrote. “But after studying the Scriptures really hard and searching our inner feelings, we’ve determined that’s not the case. Rather, Jesus was encouraging his listeners to listen to the whispers of their innermost desires and follow those, no matter what He or the Word of God said.”

“You should just do you. It’s all there in the text,” he went on to assure his readers.

The team of scholars recommended new translations be released with popular verses now reading “You do you, for the kingdom of heaven is near” and “Believe in yourself and be baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. Or don’t, whatever you feel is right. It’s cool. You’ve got to follow your own path.”

At publishing time, Manse had teased an upcoming report that would question whether Jeremiah 17:9 should actually read, “The heart is trustworthy above all things, and you definitely should follow whatever it tells you. Who can know it?”

Source.

 
Comments Off on Apparently Zondervan Is Planning Yet Another Edition of the NIV

Posted by on 8 May 2018 in mockery

 
Image

NT Wright’s Latest Book is Sure to Cause an Academic Stir

 
Comments Off on NT Wright’s Latest Book is Sure to Cause an Academic Stir

Posted by on 28 Apr 2018 in mockery

 

Paul Ryan’s Choice of House Chaplain Has Been Announced…

He’s the perfect choice for Ryan and the GOP.

 
Comments Off on Paul Ryan’s Choice of House Chaplain Has Been Announced…

Posted by on 28 Apr 2018 in disdain, mockery, Modern Culture

 

Conservatives: Don’t Listen to Rich Folk Unless They Say Conservative Things

After super-celebrity Kanye West explicitly endorsed President Donald Trump on Twitter, igniting a firestorm of controversy, conservatives reminded the nation never to listen to the opinions of rich, out-of-touch celebrities unless those celebrities happen to say things that line up nicely with the conservative worldview.

“Who cares what these ELITIST Hollywood PERVERTS have to say about anything?!?! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸” one person posted to Twitter, but appended the tweet with “(Except for Kanye West, whose mind has been freed. LISTEN to HIM!!!! #MAGA).”

Other conservative internet users agreed, stating that “narcissistic uber-wealthy celebs need to just shut up and keep their ignorant opinions to themselves,” but immediately excluded West from this group after seeing that Donald Trump had retweeted two of his tweets declaring his love for the president.

“Kanye West is not a crazy egomaniac like the rest of them—he’s one of us!” they declared.

Crazy isn’t it…

 
Comments Off on Conservatives: Don’t Listen to Rich Folk Unless They Say Conservative Things

Posted by on 26 Apr 2018 in mockery