Category Archives: mockery

The Bee Stings the ‘America Is the Chosen People’ Lunacy

John Wildrow was excited to finally take a tour of the Holy Land. It was a “childhood dream” of his, he claims. He bought tickets months in advance and impatiently awaited the day of his plane’s departure to tour the Promised Land. Finally, he took off on a flight for his scheduled Holy Land tour earlier this week, and he couldn’t have been more anxious and excited.

But when he arrived in the Holy Land late Tuesday evening, he was disappointed and shocked not to find himself in the United States of America as he had expected, but rather in a tiny country on the edge of the Mediterranean.

Wildrow grew up in a rural town in the American South, and had hoped to take a tour of America’s capital city, so he could see exactly where God signed a contract with America to “make her great.”

“Wait a minute—this looks like the Middle East!” he cried out in horror as he disembarked. “I thought we were going to visit the land of God’s chosen people!” The man asked around at information booths and pestered his tour guide, but everyone he spoke with confirmed he was actually in Israel and not the sacred capital city of the United States. In fact, the people he talked to seemed to be under the “mistaken impression” that the Middle Eastern region was in fact the ancient place where the biblical narrative occurred.

“I wanted to see the spot where Jesus and the Founding Father signed the Declaration of Independence, not this dumpy little stable,” he grumbled as the tour passed by a possible site of Jesus’s birth in Bethlehem. “This sucks! BOOOOOOO!”

At publishing time, Windlow had been sulking on the bus, wistfully watching a documentary on the founding of the United States while his tourmates took a guided tour of the Garden of Gethsemane.

Yeah sorry John, America isn’t the chosen nation.  It isn’t even intimated at in the Bible.

Putin Defeats Putin

In a tightly contested bid for a fourth presidential term, Russian president Vladimir Putin narrowly beat opposing candidate Vladimir Putin, reports coming from Moscow indicated early Monday morning.

Triumphant candidate Vladimir Putin humbly accepted the victory as results were released, while losing candidate Vladimir Putin called for the country to unite under Vladimir Putin.

“My opponent fought a tough battle, but we overcame,” Putin said to a cheering crowd. “We thank him for his participation—without legitimate choices in an election, we wouldn’t be a true democracy. The free exchange of ideas and peaceful transfer of power are what make our democracy shine.”

Defeated candidate Vladimir Putin expressed similar sentiments at a rally held next door, several minutes later.

“My opponent fought a tough battle, and we just couldn’t edge him out,” Putin said to a somber crowd. “We thank him for his loyalty and service to this country—without legitimate choices in an election, we wouldn’t be a true democracy. The free exchange of ideas and peaceful transfer of power are what make our democracy shine.”

According to exit polls, one third-party candidate, Vladimir Putin, only garnered some 1.5% of the vote, but may have been enough to throw the election in favor of Vladimir Putin, sources confirmed.

In related news, the United Stats elected by a non majority the American Putin, Donald Trump and the Israelis elected the Israeli Putin,  Bibi Netanyahu.

Buzzfeed Buys the ‘The Gospel Coalition’

This makes sense, actually-

In what was rumored to be a multi-million-dollar deal, popular clickbait website BuzzFeed has purchased The Gospel Coalition, journalists learned Wednesday.

TGC had reportedly been restructuring and refocusing its content for the past several years in an attempt to merge with a larger clickbait site, and according to TGC council members, BuzzFeed was a perfect match.

“It’s a match made in heaven from eternity past,” council member D.A. Carson said. “We’ll be able to reorient our gospel-centered content to a more attractive, listicle-style feel. ’27 GIFs That Will Make Paedobaptists Feel All The Feels,’ ‘Beth Moore Just Debuted Her New Hairstyle And We Are LOVING IT,’ that kind of thing.”

“Whatever gets the clicks,” he added.

Exciting articles like “Here are 53 pictures of John Piper that will make you say, FAREWELL ROB BELL!” and “Tell us your favorite dessert and we’ll tell you which Puritan is your spirit animal” immediately went up on the site following the purchase. One hot, trending article was titled “YASS, SLAY QUEEN: THIS WOMAN WAS TOLD SHE COULDN’T SERVE IN CHILDREN’S MINISTRY, AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE DID NEXT!”

At publishing time, sources confirmed that BuzzFeed was eyeballing Desiring God.

Next up, Buzzfeed will buy Patheos…

The Rachel Held Evans Emergent ‘Christian’ ‘Confession’ of ‘Faith’

Others helped, but it’s pretty clear that the document is largely hers much the same way that the Barmen Declaration is Barth’s even though many others ‘contributed’ to it…

A new catechism released by a coalition of several progressive, mainline denominations Tuesday consists solely of 107 questions, without a single answer to any of them, sources confirmed.

Liberal priests, scholars, and ministers from mainline Episcopal, Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian traditions gathered to pound out the document full of bold theological questions that they then refuse to answer in any way.

The catechism will allow progressive Christians to memorize several new questions each week of the year, but will not oppress believers with any “toxic” concrete answers.

“What is our only hope in life and death? Seriously, anybody know?” question #1 reads, setting the tone for the remainder of the document.

Other thought-provoking questions in the teaching tool include the following:

  • Q2: What is God? Anyone? Bueller?
  • Q84: What does every sin deserve, other than unquestioning, breathless affirmation?
  • Q86: What is faith in Jesus Christ? Did he even exist? What does it all mean?
  • Q107: What if we’re all just part of a big video game simulation, bro?

During a vape break at the conference, one episcopal priest told journalists, “We want God’s people to follow Her with deeds, not creeds. This teaching guide is perfect for clergy that want their congregations to ask the big ‘God’ questions, without ever providing any kind of solid answer to any of them.” She further stated that the document will encourage the “spirit of doubt” that Christ wanted His people to develop in their spiritual walk.

“After all, isn’t that what it’s all about?” she added as she took an pensive puff of her avocado-flavored vaping fluid. “Seriously, is it? I have no idea.”

The Nor’Easter…

Right on the heels of Donald Trump’s Twitter-firing of Rex Tillerson as secretary of state Tuesday, the National Weather Service announced the rapid formation of a devastating category 5 hurricane originating from the furiously spinning revolving door located at the front of the White House.

“Hurricane Donald coalesced very quickly right above the White House as a result of the extremely violent rotation of the front revolving door, as employees are joining and leaving the Trump administration at a frenetic pace. Take shelter immediately,” a NWS spokesman said in an emergency breaking news transmission. “If White House turnover doesn’t quiet down, I fear we’re going to be seeing many more of these weather patterns on the East Coast, so we need to be prepared.”

At publishing time, excited scientists have confirmed that the planet has now entered a cooling trend, again due to powerful winds created by the White House revolving door.

All the storms in the Northeast now have a scientific explanation.

Isn’t Fake Fox News Already Doing That?

Say it with us:


While many people talk a good MAGA talk, Fox News is walking the MAGA walk! The network just announced that from now on it will display stirring footage of a screeching bald eagle wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat in front of a billowing American flag in lieu of any negative coverage of President Trump.

🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 MAGA! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

Anytime a news story comes to light that would damage the President’s reputation, the patriots at Fox News will simply cut to the footage until the story blows over. Patriotic songs like “God Bless America,” “God Bless the USA,” and Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” will play in the background, allowing viewers to reflect on the greatness of America rather than dwell on negative news about Trump. The footage will play as long as is needed to obscure the bad news about the president.

Once the 24-hour news cycle has moved on to more positive stories about the leader of our nation, normal news coverage will resume, though Fox engineers will be ready to cut back to the glorious footage the moment the president says something asinine on Twitter, announces a terrible new trade policy, or has to deal with a fresh scandal.

Thanks, Fox! You are TRUE PATRIOTS in the midst of TRAITORS!

Again, I’m pretty sure they already do that.

The Stronger the Coffee, the Better the Theology

A recent LifeWay Research Center study found an “undeniable” connection between the strength of a church’s foyer coffee and the soundness of its theology, a report by the organization revealed Monday.

“Those churches that had coffee rated as ‘weak’ or ‘very weak’ suffered from much more watered-down, biblically feeble sermons than those that had bold coffee available in the foyer,” the report read in part. “Churches with strong, full-bodied coffee were found to boast much more solid, well-rounded theology from the pulpit.”

According to the report, the strong correlation between the two variables suggests some kind of causation. Further, the study suggested that churches that served tea or hot cocoa in place of fresh coffee suffered from more aberrant theology than even the congregations being given watered-down cups of joe.

Churches that didn’t serve coffee at all were not included in the study, as they were assumed to be either apostate, or entirely non-Christian in the first place, according to LifeWay.

Ever since Stetzer left, Lifeway has been doing really important work.  Doing, really, stuff that actually matters (unlike when he was there and it was all Stetzer and Platt promotion).

David Platt is ‘Writing’ Another ‘Book’

As a follow-up to his hit 2010 book Radical, missionary, pastor, and author David Platt announced Monday a new book targeting modern suburban American Christians, entitled Kinda Radical.

The book will focus on being sort-of radical for Jesus, on lukewarm fire for him in some of our daily activities and interactions with others.

“Learn how to be kinda extreme in your faith for Jesus, some of the time,” the press release from publisher Waterbrook-Multnomah said. “If you’ve ever struggled with how to minimize the weighty demands of the gospel call on our lives, this book is for you!”

The book will reportedly feature a section on how to compartmentalize your faith. Those who struggle with their Christian beliefs occasionally seeping over into their work and home lives will learn how to relegate the gospel to Sunday morning church attendance. The implications of the gospel on how we spend our time and money will also be addressed, as Platt assures his readers that as long as they pay lip service to Christ, they can do whatever they want Monday through Saturday.

“Work, school, home, finances, church attendance—Platt will help you rationalize your lack of passion for Jesus so you won’t feel so guilty!” the press release continued.

Pre-orders of the first print run almost immediately sold out, according to a rep from Waterbrook-Multnomah.

Thoughts and Prayers Aren’t Keeping Neil DeGrasse-Tyson’s Mouth Shut

Despite offering thousands of thoughts and prayers to the victims of Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s latest flurry of moronic tweets, the nation’s religious people admitted at long last that their petitions were totally ineffective at preventing the pop astrophysicist from saying stupid things online.

Agnostics and atheists mocked religious people for offering “worthless” thoughts and prayers, rather than “doing something” about Tyson’s inane posts on the internet.

“Where is your god now?” one atheist sneered as it became obvious that thoughts and prayers simply weren’t enough to stop the flood of stupidity. “You guys talk about having this all powerful god, but if he’s so powerful, why hasn’t he stopped Neil DeGrasse Tyson from posting online?”

At publishing time, the nation had rallied around “common sense Neil DeGrasse Tyson tweet control,” to ensure he was unable to inflict massive damage on the nation’s intellect each and every day of the year.

He really does say stupid things.  Is he really as smart as his publicity rep wants us to believe?

10 People Groups Jesus didn’t Specifically Command Us to Love…

The Bee is at it again with its mockery…. aimed this time at the exclusionists.

Jesus was all about love in a lot of ways. He told us to love our neighbor, he told us to love our God. He even told us to love our enemies!

Now that’s a lot of love going around.

Thankfully, Jesus didn’t actually mean that you’re supposed to love literally everybody. Using careful contextual clues, we scoured the Scriptures and found 10 types of people that you’re totally exempt from showing the love of Jesus to! Now, when you encounter any people in these groups, you can tell them off, belittle them, or even throw a brick right at their face.

You’re welcome!

Muslims – Muslims weren’t around during the writing of the New Testament, so guess what? That’s right—you don’t have to show the love of Jesus to Muslims! Praise the Lord!

Democrats – We read the Bible cover to cover, and you don’t have to love Democrats. In fact, according to some interpretations of the Sermon on the Mount, you’re allowed to call them “libtards” and scream that they’re going to hell in Facebook comment sections!

Immigrants – Refugees from other countries? Nope, you don’t have to love them or share the gospel with them in any way. Look the other way when you see them.

Your neighbor – We glanced at the gospels for 0.7 seconds and didn’t find anything about loving your neighbor, so you’re exempt from being a light to the people who live near you in your house or apartment. Woot woot!

Barack Obama – Praise God for this one! Not a single mention of Obama anywhere, unless you count the antichrist, and we’re never commanded to love that guy, that’s for darn sure!

Arminians – Not only do you not have to love Arminians, but you’re actually called to condemn them to hell based on their different understanding of the process of salvation.

Chris Tomlin – You don’t have to love popular Christian singer-songwriter Chris Tomlin. That’s a huge relief—it’s what it is, it’s what it is, it’s what it iiii-yuh-iiiiiis!

People who watch The Bachelor – WHEW!

The Kardashians – Make all the disparaging comments about America’s most elite family that you want. It’s not like they need the gospel and the love of Christ or anything. You’re in the clear, people!

Anyone who disagrees with you on anything, no matter how insignificant – That’s right. If you can find a single topic over which you disagree with someone, it’s open season for your hatred.

There you have it. Cross these people off your love list—they’re not your responsibility. God will send someone else to show them the love of Jesus, we’re sure of it!

Our Nation is Truly United Now

According to results from a Monmouth University poll released Friday, Americans have finally put their differences aside and united around a common cause: their utter hatred of the New England Patriots NFL football team.

Pollsters asked over 30,000 randomly selected people how they felt about the highly successful organization, which will return again to the Super Bowl this weekend. In a stunningly unified response, 97.8% of those surveyed answered with “hate them,” “hate them very much”, or “loathe those cheaters to the core of my earthly being.”

“In these times of sharp division within our nation, it’s comforting to know we can all agree on something,” a spokesperson told reporters. “The most significant irritants cited by respondents were New England’s consistent record of success, their ability to overcome injuries and scandals, and their insufferable fan base.”

“America loves to hate the Patriots,” he added.

Because the Patriots are evil.  So anyway, we’re finally united.

Watering Down the Gospel To Attract People Who Won’t Be Committed No Matter How Watery It Gets…

In a bid to better understand the community surrounding the popular megachurch, Lifevision Church leaders reportedly conducted a survey among neighborhood residents over the past week, asking which historic Christian doctrines the church could jettison in order to get people in the door on Sunday mornings.

The short survey, administered by a team of door-to-door volunteers, asked residents how long they had lived in the area, what religion they identified with if any, and which Christian beliefs they found abhorrent, “so that we can best decide which teachings to part with in order to pander to non-believers.”

“Which of the following historic positions can we toss out the window to cater to your sensibilities?” the survey reads. “Please check all that apply.” The one-page questionnaire then lists over thirty orthodox Christian positions that the church is happy to disown at a moment’s notice, including salvation by Christ alone, the holiness of God, the deity of Christ, a traditional view of marriage, and dozens more.

In an interview, head visioneering pastor Mark Lyle told a local news station he’s excited for the opportunity to scuttle core doctrines of the Christian faith “for the sake of the gospel.”

“Lots of churches talk about ‘essentials’—what’s essential to us is getting people in the door,” Lyle said. “There are literally tons of indispensable doctrines we are happy to fling by the wayside, should they make you feel uncomfortable. Just let us know.”

It’s funny because it’s true.

Trump Nominated to SBC Presidency

He’s already won the most important secular position in the land, but President Donald Trump has now been nominated for a higher calling: his name was anonymously submitted as a candidate for the presidency of the Southern Baptist Convention.

Going up against tough competition like early favorite J.D. Greear, Trump nonetheless has been polling well among Southern Baptists.

“We’re going to make the gospel great again!” Trump said as he accepted the nomination. “In years past, the Southern Baptists have shown falling numbers. Bad numbers. Sad numbers! Not good! But we’re going to come in and win so much you’ll hardly believe it. We’re going to see more baptisms, better church attendance. We’re going to have extreme vetting of church members too. Huge!”

At publishing time, Arminians had lined up behind Donald Trump, declaring Calvinist J.D. Greear was “#NotMyPresident.”

It sounds like something the SBC would do

It’s Always a Good Time For Imprecations

Upon receiving the necessary forms from his employer and beginning to file to pay his federal taxes, local man Kyle Jacobs scrawled an imprecatory psalm across the Internal Revenue Service’s form 1040, sources close to the man confirmed Tuesday.

As he saw how much of his money was forcibly taken from him and redistributed to whatever causes the state saw fit, Jacobs was moved to the point of anguish and called upon the Lord to smite his oppressors, according to those close to the situation. Recalling the words of one of the Psalmist’s imprecatory psalms, Jacobs began to scrawl a curse of judgment on the form, calling for God to send the IRS down to the very pit of Sheol.

“When I filed to hand over a large percentage of my income to the government, I suddenly realized how David felt while writing Psalm 55,” Jacobs said. “He was betrayed, stabbed in the back by a close friend, and I was forced to give the first three months of my labor to the state under threat of imprisonment or death.”

“It’s practically the same thing,” he added.

At publishing time, Jacobs had filed for his California state income taxes as well, and began to rend his garments and repent in dust and ashes upon seeing the damages.

And who hasn’t done that?  Who among us?

The Bee Stings The Idiotic Partisanship of American Politics

Local Trump supporter Trevor Jacobs absolutely brutalized President Obama for the full length of both the former president’s terms in office, but is now calling for all Americans to unite and show respect for their current president, sources close to the man claimed Monday.

The self-described “political junkie,” who is angered every time he sees someone criticize President Trump, reportedly slammed President Obama in a series of savage memes and rants several times a day for eight years.

“Really, it should be a crime to blatantly disrespect the presidential office,” the man who still has a faded, yellowing sticker of Calvin urinating on President Obama on his pickup truck said. “I’m all for free speech, but enough is enough.”

Jacobs further called people who criticize the president “un-American” and “unpatriotic” for not completely agreeing with President Trump’s policies.

“He’s your President, for goodness’ sake. Grow up and stop acting like children,” he said, while blowing his nose with a nearby roll of novelty toilet paper depicting President Obama’s face on each square, according to sources.

And that’s the way it is.

Kirk Cameron’s New Film: ‘Bourne Again’

Here’s some good ‘news’ for the 2 fans of Kirk Cameron in the world-

The Jason Bourne films based on Robert Ludlum’s hit spy thrillers have delighted moviegoers for the past sixteen years, and now Universal Pictures is injecting the series with a shot of adrenaline with a new spinoff film starring Kirk Cameron: Bourne Again, to be released in May of next year.

Cameron plays a reprogrammed sleeper assassin employed by Focus on the Family who suffers amnesia and must discover why his fellow superspies working for Dr. James Dobson want him dead. Realizing he was developed into a secret weapon in a clandestine evangelism program for $30 million, Cameron finds himself on the run in thrilling getaways and chase sequences.

Unraveling the depths of the Focus on the Family conspiracy, Cameron triggers his memories by playing tracks from Newsboys albums and retraces his steps on a wild ride through Europe and the United States before confronting Dobson once and for all, according to a plot summary released by Universal.

In one scene shown off in an early teaser trailer, Cameron is realizing the depth of his specially acquired powers of evangelism, and tells his companion: “I can tell you the name of every member of the Newsboys, all the way from the original lineup to the kinda iffy Michael Tait era. I can recite John Piper’s entire sermon from Passion’s OneDay in the year 2000. I know the best place to look for a Bible is in the glove compartment in the cab outside, or in the nightstand in my hotel. I can go out right now and street-preach for 14 hours without breaking a sweat. Now why would I know that? How can I know that and not know who I am?”

The thrilling Christian spin-off of the Bourne series reportedly has a large budget of over $150,000.00 and will be released directly on DVD and VHS.

I bet it sells 2 copies.

The Ideal Church for the ‘Rich Young Ruler’ – Joel Osteen’s…

A rich, young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Wednesday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.

Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.

“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”

The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.

“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.


Trump and Jesus and Odin

President Trump informed his advisers that he will refuse to allow Jesus Christ into his heart, after learning that Jesus hailed from the city of Nazareth in the Middle East, sources confirmed Monday.

“Can anything good come from there?” Trump reportedly asked, after his aides informed him that the Lord Jesus, God in the flesh, chose to spend the majority of his life on earth residing in the impoverished, first-century town located in the region of Galilee. “Why would I welcome anybody from that war-torn, crime-ridden hole of a place?” he asked his team of advisers, during a meeting in the Oval Office.

According to reports, Trump has transferred his religious allegiance to the Norse god Odin, tweeting that he wants to align himself with a god from a “winner country.”

In updated reports, Odin is said to have rejected Trump’s overtures, stating ‘I am not interested in anyone from his country.  What kind of barbarians don’t provide health care for their people?  Ridiculous’.