Category Archives: mockery

Old Man Self Identifies as Young Man To Get Youth Pastor Job

Signs of the times, I suppose, and goes along with all the other ‘self identifies’ madness so beloved today.

Greg Sterling, 47, sued the government earlier this week in to get his age changed 20 years younger than he actually is in order to land a job as a youth pastor at a local church.

Sterling petitioned to have his age changed to 27 so he could be cool, hip, and blend in with the youth at Combustion Youth Group.

“I know physically I look old, but I personally identify as a lit, dope 20-something and not an old man,” he told reporters. “Old people are so lame, am I right, fam? I’m hip!”

In order to live out his chosen identity as a young, cool, relatable youth pastor, Sterling wears trucker hats, sunglasses, and even a wallet chain. He listens to “contemporary” music like Carman, T-Bone, and Project 86. He uses current terminology like “dope,” “phat,” and “tight,” cementing his status as a perpetually young guy the kids can “just chill” with.

He must hate himself a lot to want to be a youth pastor but whatevs….

Luther Confesses His Ignorance of Hebrew: January, 1522

Luther Bible, 1534

In a letter to Nicolas von Amsdorf Luther writes

… I shall translate the Bible, although I have here shouldered a burden beyond my power. Now I realize what it means to translate, and why no one has previously undertaken it who would disclose his name.

Of course I will not be able to touch the Old Testament all by myself and without the co-operation of all of you.

Therefore if it could somehow be arranged that I could have a secret room with any one of you, I would soon come and with your help would translate the whole book from the beginning, so that it would be a worthy translation for Christians to read. For I hope we will give a better translation to our Germany than the Latins have.

It is a great and worthy undertaking on which we all should work, since it is a public matter and should be dedicated to the common good.*

Worth noting is the fact that when Zwingli and the Zurichers translated the Bible, Zwingli was chiefly in charge of the Hebrew Bible.  The entire Zurich Bible appeared in 1531.  Luther’s, in 1534.   Poor Luther, he couldn’t read Jeremiah (or the rest) without help… like a little child led by the hand.

__________________
*Luther’s Works, vol. 48: Letters I, p. 363.

The Hypocrisy is Certainly Mockery-Worthy

Media outlets worldwide congratulated Meghan Markle after it was announced earlier this week that she has a meaningless blob of tissue developing in her womb.

Despite happening many times per day, the world showed it hasn’t lost its appreciation for the miracle of new, utterly insignificant groupings of cells being formed inside women’s reproductive systems.

“Meghan Markle Glowing After Announcing Potential Human Life Growing Within Her,” read the New York Times headline, while across the pond, the BBC ran “Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Expecting Royal Clump Of Cells” and The Daily Mail pondered “Is That a Fetus Bump We See Already?!”

“I’m so excited to meet the Royal Parasite!” said one Londoner. “I ran down to Tesco straight away to get as many magazines as I could. I just love devouring information about a totally not human, completely purposeless little growth inside another woman, one that she could terminate at any time if she chooses to, as is her right.”

The Washington Post devoted some time to discussing the potential future office of the pregnancy, depending on what gender the amorphous parasite would eventually choose for itself.

The way people who don’t believe the unborn are human beings, worthy of protection, fawn and carry on whenever a royal gets pregnant is mockery worthy, to say the least.

A Stern Warning to The Saudis…

As criticism mounted over the country’s alleged role in the disappearance and possible death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Trump administration reportedly urged the leaders of Saudi Arabia Friday to stick to killing random Yemeni civilians. “The potential murder of a high-profile journalist critical of their regime raises grave concerns for us, and we appeal to the leaders of Saudi Arabia to restrict their extrajudicial murders to Yemeni people who don’t have any public platform,” said President Trump, adding that the White House would not sit idly by as the Saudis caused the deaths of innocent people unless they were Yemeni children in a school bus or a group of Yemeni people attending a wedding.

“The United States asks Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to content himself with killings that don’t affect business deals or call our diplomatic ties into question, such as airstrikes on Yemeni infrastructure, fueling mass cholera outbreaks, or blocking food and medical supplies from reaching civilians. Look, we don’t even mind if you dismember and murder people inside the Turkish consulate, as long as they’re unknown Yemenis whose deaths won’t cause an international scandal. For the sake of all parties, we demand that the Saudis only kill people who hardly anyone in America cares about.” At press time, several major U.S. newspapers had published editorials praising the Trump administration for its tough stance on Saudi Arabia.

Some of them are Good People…

I Would Absolutely Buy It

Absolutely.

Specifically targeting the lucrative Christian market for the first time in celebration of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation, Amazon just released a new version of its Amazon Echo device that is shaped like Reformer Martin Luther.

Dubbed the “Amazon Luther,” the new device is programmed to answer all your theology questions in the Reformer’s trademark aggressive tone and style.

An Amazon rep gave a demo at the press conference announcing the device, showing off some of its dynamic responses:

“Luther, can you tell me about the Pope?”

The Pope is a mere tormentor of conscience. The assembly of his greased and religious crew in praying is altogether like the croaking of frogs, which edifies nothing at all.

“Luther, am I a good person?”

You are a sinner, you’re dead, you’re eaten up with corruption. Every free choice of yours is evil and not good.

“Luther, is Joel Osteen a solid preacher?”

Yes, Joel is an excellent person, as skillful, clever, and versed in Holy Scripture as a cow in a walnut tree or a sow on a harp.

The device was programmed to showcase as much scathing wit as Martin Luther had himself as he responded to his various theological and political foes throughout his years, and will quickly snap back to anything you ask it with a “brutal fatality,” claim Amazon’s product engineers.

According to Amazon, the device will also be able to order beer straight to the user’s home, jovially shouting, “Yes, let us drink beer!” whenever the consumer does so.

I’d buy one for every room.

The New iPhone Has Features for the Christian Sermon Ignorer

The new Apple iPhone will now include a “panic button” that will allow Christians to quickly switch from Facebook, other social media, or video games over to the Bible app for whenever they get caught messing around on their phone in church, Apple announced Tuesday.

The feature can be added on for just $299 as an option while purchasing your new iPhone online.

Speaking at the highly anticipated iPhone 8 event Tuesday morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook demonstrated how the easily accessible button will instantly pull up the passage being preached on, hiding from viewers how you were actually goofing off on your phone just moments before.

“No matter if you’re commanding your armies in Clash of Clans or Facebook-stalking an old friend from high school, the iPanic Button will immediately make it look like you’re actually paying attention to the sermon,” Cook said to wild cheers from the audience. “Now you can look spiritual to the ushers, deacons, and passersby without having to hear a single word the pastor preaches each Sunday.”

“There’s just one more thing,” he added as the crowd leaned in with suspense. “The iPhone 8 will also automatically check you in at church, so your reputation as a holy Christian will be broadcast to all your friends and family.”

The crowd went wild, and Apple’s website went down almost immediately due to the volume of Christians attempting to order the phone.

Browse on, brave Christian.  Browse on…

Robert Jeffress Asks Congregation to Stand for the Reading of Donald Trump’s Tweets

As part of the church’s weekly patriotic service held Sunday, Pastor Robert Jeffress reportedly asked the congregation at First Baptist Dallas to stand for the traditional reading of Trump’s latest flurry of tweets.

“Let’s all take a moment and stand now in reverence as we listen to the infallible, inspired words of Trump,” Jeffress said solemnly. “If you have your smartphone with you, please turn with me to twitter.com/realDonaldTrump. We’ll be reading out of Trump’s September 5 tweets on down through the end of the week.”

Pastor Jeffress also indicated that if anyone didn’t have their smartphone with them, there was a hard-copy, leather-bound printout of Trump’s tweets available in the book rack in front of them.

“Thus saith the Lord,” he began, before reading Trump’s infamous “TREASON?” tweet and proceeding through everything else the President posted that week. Jeffress’ inflection rose and fell as he attempted to replicate the passion, emotion, and pure rage indicated in the original inspired texts penned by Trump throughout the week. The Dallas preacher also got choked up when he began reading a post in which the President criticized the New York Times. “Excuse me. Sorry—sometimes I just get a little misty-eyed when I browse through Don’s Twitter feed.”

“May Trump add his blessing to this reading and to our nation. Amen,” he concluded at last, wiping tears from his eyes from moving tweets like “Make your products in the United States instead of China. Start building new plants now. Exciting!” and “What was Nike thinking?”

This is actually a spot on portrayal of Jeffress’s heretical servitude to Trumpianity.  The sad thing is that the deluded people of First Baptist, Dallas keep going along with Jeffress.

Join Me In A Moment of Silence to Express Gratitude for the Brave Anonymous Internet Commentators

Join me, if you will, in a moment of quiet appreciation for the brave, brave souls who tweet and comment behind the veil of anonymity.  Seldom have so many said so much and sacrificed so little (in fact, nothing).  Imagine the depth of courage it must take to make remarks for which you are not held accountable.  Such courage…

These brave souls labor every day to make sure that their ‘truth’ is out there and since they can bob and weave under the cover of darkness they are more than happy to do so. Happy and quite self satisfied.

What honorable souls.  Join me in giving thanks for them…

I Suppose If You’re Going to Speculate, Go Ahead And Make The Whole Thing Up

What says speculation like asking questions about what a guy who lived BEFORE someone thinks of what someone they never knew, read, or encountered thought….

We need a new reality tv series called ‘scholarship gone wild’ where unhinged academics get together and talk about stuff they completely make up and publish.  And whoever has the dumbest most speculative idea ‘wins’.

I nominate this guy for episode one.

Allegorical Interpretation Displayed

This is what the Church Fathers do when they exegete… With thanks to Chuck for the video hat tip.

Apparently There Aren’t As Many White Nationalists As We’ve Been Led to Believe…

Or they’re too lazy to get out and march.  And given the fact that photos I’ve seen of most of them are of folks too large to walk and too old and inbred to read, I wouldn’t be surprised if that weren’t the case.

Several members of the press expressed their “extreme disappointment” that the white nationalist rally they hyped up for an entire week was only attended by 30 people Saturday.

“We really wanted to use this to inflame the race war, so we were pretty bummed when we couldn’t get a good shot of millions of neo-Nazis marching through the streets of Washington,” said one CNN reporter. “Would have fit perfectly with our narrative. Oh well.”

The media stated they’ve seen greater numbers of people even at low-attendance events like anti-NASA flat earth protests, Hillary Clinton rallies, and Episcopal Church meetings.

“It was just sad.”

Reporters and journalists on the left vowed to continue to stoke the fires of racial tensions, hopefully getting more people to show up whenever another rally is announced.

“There’s always next year,” a somber MSNBC anchor said.

Devout Christian Sets Aside Few Minutes To Think About Reading His Bible

Thy name is Legion

A new report has indicated that local devout Christian man Brian Metford took a few minutes out of his busy morning schedule to think about reading his Bible this morning.

The man was proud to report he’d “strongly considered” reading his Bible for several minutes before deciding to do something else.

“It’s important to think about reading your Bible every day,” Metford said. “Especially when the busyness of your everyday schedule threatens to take away those precious few minutes with God. You have to make it a habit to stop whatever you’re doing every morning and think about possibly picking up your Bible and reading it.”

Metford never actually reads his Bible, but he’s still a strong proponent of Christians considering reading their Bibles before doing something with more “immediate gratification,” like binge-watching The Office on Netflix again, logging onto Steam for a few hours of Counter-Strike, or just staring at the ceiling thinking about how bored they are.

He encourages his fellow Christians to make thinking about reading their Bibles the first thing they do in the day, before they reject the idea out of hand in order to browse Facebook and Twitter for an hour or two on their smartphones.

“How can we say we follow Christ if we don’t love the thought of reading His Word?—in a totally theoretical sense of course.”

Breaking News: An Archaeological Discovery That May Change Everything!!!

Jerusalem:  DP –  Archaeologist Rob Farfella today announced at a packed press conference that he and his team of international archaeologists working for the Bradbury Archaological Referendum have discovered a parchment in Jerusalem that may indeed be ancient and may contain a series of laws that may date to the 10th century BCE and which may show that maybe some of the laws in the Hebrew Bible may be related potentially to laws that may have originated in Egypt or maybe Babylonia.

Farfella went on to describe the location of the artifact’s extraction as maybe a controlled dig or maybe a shop in Jerusalem’s Old City.  Photos of the artifact may be forthcoming, possibly and potentially, if the IAA gives the discoverers permission potentially.

Fortunately a photo of the image has been leaked by the excavation team:

The excavation team has dubbed this potentially important manuscript ‘Codex Farfellensis Imbecilicus’.

Reports from other sources indicate that there may be nothing at all to the claims being made in today’s presser by Farfella and BAR.  ‘Skepticism is always appropriate when it comes to the announcements of the importance of such trinkets’ said Cindy Tubors of Harvard U.

Other scholars may weigh in, maybe, said Tubors as she wandered off from the press conference to imbibe at the local tavern and lament the death of archaeological seriousness.

This Made Me Laugh Out Loud, Literally

So funny because there are folk who ‘sign’ emails with great swaths of quotes:

In a step of great faith and piety, local Christian Dylan Moore announced Friday morning that his email signature has been changed from a short quote taken from 1 Corinthians to the entire Book of Isaiah.

“I just want to be sure that anyone I send digital correspondence to knows that I’m not just a regular Christian—I’m a hardcore follower of Christ,” Moore told reporters. “Whether I’m emailing my insurance agent, my work associates, or a random dude selling video games on Craigslist, they’ll know the extreme nature of my faith.”

While Moore revealed that he rarely mentions Christ directly when emailing his friends, family, or acquaintances, he noted that readers scrolling to the bottom of his otherwise secular and mundane messages were immediately blasted with the scathing words of the prophet Isaiah, in their entirety.

The disciple of Christ reports winning zero converts so far with his innovative approach to evangelism, adding that many of his emails have bounced due to the size of his digital missives. Still, Moore states he’s confident that in time, the email sign-off containing all sixty-six chapters of Isaiah will bear much fruit.

“‘They will know us by our email signatures,’ I always say.”

#ICYMI – The Bee Stings the Ridiculous Interpretations of Revelation

In a groundbreaking discovery sure to change the future of eschatological studies, scholars revealed Monday that the autograph of the book of Revelation originally included a detailed end times and rapture chart to help readers make sense of the apocalyptic literature.

Archaeologists working on the island of Patmos recently uncovered the original autograph of the book and found the intricate chart detailing the church age, pre-tribulation rapture of the church, seven-year period of turmoil, and subsequent millennial reign of Christ. The chart also featured detailed descriptions of each of the twenty-one dispensations of history, scholars confirmed.

“This is an exciting discovery,” lead archaeologist Dr. Wendell Holmes told reporters. “End-times charts have become a popular past-time of the church over the past century, and now we know there is solid biblical warrant for their existence.”

Holmes further stated that the find confirmed that the futurist, premillennial framework for interpreting the book of Revelation is the correct one, much to the delight of modern end times prophecy experts like John Hagee, David Jeremiah, and Hal Lindsey.

At publishing time, scholars had also confirmed the discovery of the Apostle John’s rudimentary, parchment-based prophecy blog, on which he posted constant prophecy updates predicting the Lord Jesus would return by 1988.

It’s funny because there are people who really think like that.

In Most Cases, Let’s Be Honest, That Would Be A Vast Improvement…

Via the Bee

Following the city of Seattle’s minimum wage hike in January, Carver Street Church of God has announced that the position of youth pastor will be filled by a self-service kiosk called MATT (Multi-Platform Automated Teaching Tool).

According to designers at ChrisTech, the base model MATT comes preloaded with everything a congregation may need from a youth pastor.

MATT can perform all of the following tasks:

  • Reference the latest films, television shows, and music
  • Provide encouragement after stinging “Bible Bowl” defeats
  • Offer theologically dubious analogies
  • Teach a “new songs” class on Tuesday nights
  • Fill in for a congregation’s regular minister on fifth Sundays
  • Fire off some “lit devos” at will
  • Play a “mean game of hacky sack.”

“MATT really is the perfect youth pastor,” says Paul Hoover, chief technology officer of ChrisTech. “A lot of young people find it increasingly difficult to connect with human beings, but MATT gives them a familiar screen.”

While the Carver Street Church of God is the first religious organization to give MATT a trial run, ChrisTech anticipates that by the end of 2025, more than half of all churches will have such a system.

“It’s only been six months, and we don’t even remember what life was like before MATT,” elder George Herman told The Babylon Bee. “He does everything our former youth pastor did without complaining, without being paid, and without requiring a background check.”

In the near future, ChrisTech plans to introduce new features, such as the hotly anticipated “MobileMATT,” an on-the-go youth pastor that uses proprietary software to tie pop culture figures and events to biblical characters and scripture.

In most cases it’s probably an improvement…

The Bee Stings ‘Evangelicals’, Again

Brilliantly.

After CNN released a tape of a conversation between Donald Trump and lawyer Michael Cohen discussing how to pay off a Playboy model that might damage his presidential campaign, the President admitted he is “totally baffled” that evangelical support for him has held steady.

Trump offered his candid thoughts on Christians staying behind him despite revelation after revelation of his shady dealings and sordid past in a cabinet meeting Wednesday morning.

“I mean, I’m literally on tape discussing how to pay off a Playboy model I—ALLEGEDLY—had an affair with,” Trump said, shrugging and shaking his head. “I just can’t seem to make my numbers among evangelicals go down. Believe me, I’m trying. I’m trying everything I can. They just hang around. Sad!”

“What do I have to do, kill a guy?”

Trump also pointed to his policies, including destructive tariffs, federal bailouts for businesses harmed by those tariffs, massive federal spending and deficits, and provoking foreign leaders with unhinged Twitter rants. “All of this stuff and they don’t even blink.”

“I’ll give them that my Supreme Court picks haven’t been too bad. That’s true. I do have great Court nominees,” he added after listening to input from his cabinet members for several seconds. “But man, how much bad are they willing to put up with in order to get a little good? Baffling.”

Sarcasm aside, baffling indeed.

You Know You’re A Celebrity Pastor When You Have Staff to Tweet For You!

The Real Sharks This Shark Week are Prosperity Preachers

Discovery Channel To Feature Deadly Prosperity Gospel Preachers For Shark Week

As part of its annual Shark Week programming, the Discovery Channel announced Sunday evening it would be featuring the world’s most dangerous prosperity gospel preachers in order to raise public awareness of the deadly predators.

The cable science channel will feature a wide array of prosperity preachers throughout the week, including Joel Osteen, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Joyce Meyer, Joseph Prince, Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, and Benny Hinn, showcasing their inhuman ability to mangle the Scriptures and devour unsuspecting victims.

“This here is a prime example of the prosperity preacher in his natural habitat,” a commentator said over horrifying Benny Hinn footage in Sunday night’s Shark Week premiere. “See how the cold-blooded predator draws in its prey and then goes for the kill? Utterly horrifying.”

The documentary footage, collected over the past year, also shows moving footage of the millions of third-world believers still living in poverty after giving their life savings to the savage beasts.

“The prosperity gospel preacher in its native environment is one of nature’s most terrifying predators,” a Discovery Channel representative said. “We could just keep featuring sea-dwelling sharks year after year, but honestly they’re pretty boring compared to the ruthlessness of a Copeland or a Dollar ambushing an unsuspecting believer and tearing their bank account to shreds.”

“It sends shivers down my spine,” he added with a shudder.

According to the Discovery Channel, the footage will be preceded by a graphic content warning, as the cable channel states that watching Christians become ensnared by prosperity gospel preachers is not for the faint of heart.