Photo Via Stephen Backhouse:
Category Archives: mockery
The editorial staff at The Babylon Bee would like to congratulate President Donald Trump for receiving our inaugural Christian of the Year award.
Each year, this award will recognize the Christian who has done the most for the Kingdom of God on the world stage. For 2018, we are proud to present the honor to President Trump for his outstanding achievements for the faith and the kingdom.
Trump, a staunch Presbyterian, is such a strong believer in the ideals of the Reformation that he recently refused to recite the Apostle’s Creed because it said the word “catholic.” Would that all of us have such courage!
Many Christians thought that Trump wouldn’t fulfill his promises to evangelicals. They were wrong. Sure, he funded Planned Parenthood again, but he promised it would be the last time. He appointed justices to the Supreme Court who outlawed abortion on their very first day on the bench. He also started trade wars and levied heavy tariffs on American citizens, reminding us all to submit to the government and pay to Caesar what is his. Did any other president encourage us to live a Romans 13 lifestyle in this way? We didn’t think so.
Some also questioned his character. Again, Trump has proven himself to be the real deal. While some evidence suggests he was involved in some suspect transactions during his campaign, Trump himself has denied these things, just like a real innocent person would. He’s also shown himself to have Christlike anger when he’s attacked for his righteousness. Just like Jesus flipped the tables in the temple, so Trump blasts his opponents on Twitter with brutal takedowns. And, much like King David, he has done some bad things, but he’s even better than King David because he refuses to apologize for living his best life.
A lot of times in these awards the editorial board says that it was a tough decision. That’s not the case here. It was an easy decision. The obvious choice for the follower of Christ who most deserved to be recognized was Donald J. Trump.
Hillary Clinton – This former Methodist Sunday school teacher has all the qualities of a strong believer in Christ: compassion for the poor, love for immigrants, and the desire to see the unborn slaughtered.
Ariana Grande – Her song “God is a Woman” started important national discussions about how we should gender God. A true champion of sound theology.
Jim Bakker – Bakker has proven himself to be a strong disciple of Christ by selling Rapture survival kits to unsuspecting victims.
Oprah Winfrey – Unlike many Christians, Oprah believes all roads lead to God, which just sounds a whole lot nicer than that whole exclusivity of Christ thing most Christians are hung up on.
Star-Lord – Our final runner up is Star-Lord, galactic superhero who discovered he was divine and went on a quest to find his father only to find that he was actually evil and murdered him with a bomb. Remind you of anything? That’s right, it’s a simple retelling of the Christ story with a few small liberties taken. Definitely Christian of the Year material. Plus he’s played by Chris Pratt, every Christian’s favorite Hollywood actor.
The Eye of the Tiber has the story-
Telling fellow parishioners that even though Brett Kavanaugh for some reason decided to side with liberals in declining to hear a case that could have allowed states to defund Planned Parenthood, local Christian Randal Miller confirmed that he was still hopeful that the new justice was just the man to finally put an end to abortion.
“I don’t know, I guess I just have trust in God and his new administration,” Miller told fellow parishioners outside of Mass this morning. “I guess I just feel that this is the man God has ordained to put an end to abortion. Sure, I don’t know why he made the decision he did, but God works in mysterious ways, right? I’m sure God just didn’t want the Supreme Court to potentially allow states to defund the most murderous and demonic organization in the world for his own reason.”
Miller went on to say that he couldn’t see any possible way that a conservative Supreme Court wouldn’t overturn Roe v. Wade within the next year or so.
“We finally have everything we’ve always prayed for. Now that we pretty much control the Supreme Court, well—I’ll let you do the math. Listen, at the end of the day, Kavanaugh is a Catholic. There’s no way in a million years that a Catholic politician would ever go against his word or back down because of pressure.”
If you touch her to rescue her, she may accuse you of unwanted sexual conduct. And if you even attempt to rescue her, you’ll be accused of patriarchalism.
She’ll be fine. She’ll figure it out. And if she doesn’t? Well that’s on her isn’t it.
(How long before games like this are denounced as man-centric and outlawed by the politically correct police corps?)
Man Who Was Wished ‘Happy Holidays’ Knows Exactly What The Persecuted Church In China Is Going Through
The Bee with more Pulitzer worthy reporting- this time on the persecuted Church in America. Pray, brothers, pray!…
Signs of the times, I suppose, and goes along with all the other ‘self identifies’ madness so beloved today.
Greg Sterling, 47, sued the government earlier this week in to get his age changed 20 years younger than he actually is in order to land a job as a youth pastor at a local church.Sterling petitioned to have his age changed to 27 so he could be cool, hip, and blend in with the youth at Combustion Youth Group.
“I know physically I look old, but I personally identify as a lit, dope 20-something and not an old man,” he told reporters. “Old people are so lame, am I right, fam? I’m hip!”
In order to live out his chosen identity as a young, cool, relatable youth pastor, Sterling wears trucker hats, sunglasses, and even a wallet chain. He listens to “contemporary” music like Carman, T-Bone, and Project 86. He uses current terminology like “dope,” “phat,” and “tight,” cementing his status as a perpetually young guy the kids can “just chill” with.
He must hate himself a lot to want to be a youth pastor but whatevs….
In a letter to Nicolas von Amsdorf Luther writes
… I shall translate the Bible, although I have here shouldered a burden beyond my power. Now I realize what it means to translate, and why no one has previously undertaken it who would disclose his name.
Of course I will not be able to touch the Old Testament all by myself and without the co-operation of all of you.
Therefore if it could somehow be arranged that I could have a secret room with any one of you, I would soon come and with your help would translate the whole book from the beginning, so that it would be a worthy translation for Christians to read. For I hope we will give a better translation to our Germany than the Latins have.
It is a great and worthy undertaking on which we all should work, since it is a public matter and should be dedicated to the common good.*
Worth noting is the fact that when Zwingli and the Zurichers translated the Bible, Zwingli was chiefly in charge of the Hebrew Bible. The entire Zurich Bible appeared in 1531. Luther’s, in 1534. Poor Luther, he couldn’t read Jeremiah (or the rest) without help… like a little child led by the hand.
*Luther’s Works, vol. 48: Letters I, p. 363.
- Fun Facts from Church History: Luther and Hebrew (zwingliusredivivus.wordpress.com)
Media outlets worldwide congratulated Meghan Markle after it was announced earlier this week that she has a meaningless blob of tissue developing in her womb.
“Meghan Markle Glowing After Announcing Potential Human Life Growing Within Her,” read the New York Times headline, while across the pond, the BBC ran “Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Expecting Royal Clump Of Cells” and The Daily Mail pondered “Is That a Fetus Bump We See Already?!”
“I’m so excited to meet the Royal Parasite!” said one Londoner. “I ran down to Tesco straight away to get as many magazines as I could. I just love devouring information about a totally not human, completely purposeless little growth inside another woman, one that she could terminate at any time if she chooses to, as is her right.”
The Washington Post devoted some time to discussing the potential future office of the pregnancy, depending on what gender the amorphous parasite would eventually choose for itself.
The way people who don’t believe the unborn are human beings, worthy of protection, fawn and carry on whenever a royal gets pregnant is mockery worthy, to say the least.
As criticism mounted over the country’s alleged role in the disappearance and possible death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the Trump administration reportedly urged the leaders of Saudi Arabia Friday to stick to killing random Yemeni civilians. “The potential murder of a high-profile journalist critical of their regime raises grave concerns for us, and we appeal to the leaders of Saudi Arabia to restrict their extrajudicial murders to Yemeni people who don’t have any public platform,” said President Trump, adding that the White House would not sit idly by as the Saudis caused the deaths of innocent people unless they were Yemeni children in a school bus or a group of Yemeni people attending a wedding.
“The United States asks Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to content himself with killings that don’t affect business deals or call our diplomatic ties into question, such as airstrikes on Yemeni infrastructure, fueling mass cholera outbreaks, or blocking food and medical supplies from reaching civilians. Look, we don’t even mind if you dismember and murder people inside the Turkish consulate, as long as they’re unknown Yemenis whose deaths won’t cause an international scandal. For the sake of all parties, we demand that the Saudis only kill people who hardly anyone in America cares about.” At press time, several major U.S. newspapers had published editorials praising the Trump administration for its tough stance on Saudi Arabia.
Specifically targeting the lucrative Christian market for the first time in celebration of the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation, Amazon just released a new version of its Amazon Echo device that is shaped like Reformer Martin Luther.
Dubbed the “Amazon Luther,” the new device is programmed to answer all your theology questions in the Reformer’s trademark aggressive tone and style.
An Amazon rep gave a demo at the press conference announcing the device, showing off some of its dynamic responses:
“Luther, can you tell me about the Pope?”
The Pope is a mere tormentor of conscience. The assembly of his greased and religious crew in praying is altogether like the croaking of frogs, which edifies nothing at all.
“Luther, am I a good person?”
You are a sinner, you’re dead, you’re eaten up with corruption. Every free choice of yours is evil and not good.
“Luther, is Joel Osteen a solid preacher?”
Yes, Joel is an excellent person, as skillful, clever, and versed in Holy Scripture as a cow in a walnut tree or a sow on a harp.
The device was programmed to showcase as much scathing wit as Martin Luther had himself as he responded to his various theological and political foes throughout his years, and will quickly snap back to anything you ask it with a “brutal fatality,” claim Amazon’s product engineers.
According to Amazon, the device will also be able to order beer straight to the user’s home, jovially shouting, “Yes, let us drink beer!” whenever the consumer does so.
I’d buy one for every room.
The new Apple iPhone will now include a “panic button” that will allow Christians to quickly switch from Facebook, other social media, or video games over to the Bible app for whenever they get caught messing around on their phone in church, Apple announced Tuesday.The feature can be added on for just $299 as an option while purchasing your new iPhone online.
Speaking at the highly anticipated iPhone 8 event Tuesday morning, Apple CEO Tim Cook demonstrated how the easily accessible button will instantly pull up the passage being preached on, hiding from viewers how you were actually goofing off on your phone just moments before.
“No matter if you’re commanding your armies in Clash of Clans or Facebook-stalking an old friend from high school, the iPanic Button will immediately make it look like you’re actually paying attention to the sermon,” Cook said to wild cheers from the audience. “Now you can look spiritual to the ushers, deacons, and passersby without having to hear a single word the pastor preaches each Sunday.”
“There’s just one more thing,” he added as the crowd leaned in with suspense. “The iPhone 8 will also automatically check you in at church, so your reputation as a holy Christian will be broadcast to all your friends and family.”
The crowd went wild, and Apple’s website went down almost immediately due to the volume of Christians attempting to order the phone.
Browse on, brave Christian. Browse on…
As part of the church’s weekly patriotic service held Sunday, Pastor Robert Jeffress reportedly asked the congregation at First Baptist Dallas to stand for the traditional reading of Trump’s latest flurry of tweets.“Let’s all take a moment and stand now in reverence as we listen to the infallible, inspired words of Trump,” Jeffress said solemnly. “If you have your smartphone with you, please turn with me to twitter.com/realDonaldTrump. We’ll be reading out of Trump’s September 5 tweets on down through the end of the week.”
Pastor Jeffress also indicated that if anyone didn’t have their smartphone with them, there was a hard-copy, leather-bound printout of Trump’s tweets available in the book rack in front of them.
“Thus saith the Lord,” he began, before reading Trump’s infamous “TREASON?” tweet and proceeding through everything else the President posted that week. Jeffress’ inflection rose and fell as he attempted to replicate the passion, emotion, and pure rage indicated in the original inspired texts penned by Trump throughout the week. The Dallas preacher also got choked up when he began reading a post in which the President criticized the New York Times. “Excuse me. Sorry—sometimes I just get a little misty-eyed when I browse through Don’s Twitter feed.”
“May Trump add his blessing to this reading and to our nation. Amen,” he concluded at last, wiping tears from his eyes from moving tweets like “Make your products in the United States instead of China. Start building new plants now. Exciting!” and “What was Nike thinking?”
This is actually a spot on portrayal of Jeffress’s heretical servitude to Trumpianity. The sad thing is that the deluded people of First Baptist, Dallas keep going along with Jeffress.
Join me, if you will, in a moment of quiet appreciation for the brave, brave souls who tweet and comment behind the veil of anonymity. Seldom have so many said so much and sacrificed so little (in fact, nothing). Imagine the depth of courage it must take to make remarks for which you are not held accountable. Such courage…
These brave souls labor every day to make sure that their ‘truth’ is out there and since they can bob and weave under the cover of darkness they are more than happy to do so. Happy and quite self satisfied.
What honorable souls. Join me in giving thanks for them…
What says speculation like asking questions about what a guy who lived BEFORE someone thinks of what someone they never knew, read, or encountered thought….
We need a new reality tv series called ‘scholarship gone wild’ where unhinged academics get together and talk about stuff they completely make up and publish. And whoever has the dumbest most speculative idea ‘wins’.
I nominate this guy for episode one.
This is what the Church Fathers do when they exegete… With thanks to Chuck for the video hat tip.
Or they’re too lazy to get out and march. And given the fact that photos I’ve seen of most of them are of folks too large to walk and too old and inbred to read, I wouldn’t be surprised if that weren’t the case.
Several members of the press expressed their “extreme disappointment” that the white nationalist rally they hyped up for an entire week was only attended by 30 people Saturday.“We really wanted to use this to inflame the race war, so we were pretty bummed when we couldn’t get a good shot of millions of neo-Nazis marching through the streets of Washington,” said one CNN reporter. “Would have fit perfectly with our narrative. Oh well.”
The media stated they’ve seen greater numbers of people even at low-attendance events like anti-NASA flat earth protests, Hillary Clinton rallies, and Episcopal Church meetings.
“It was just sad.”
Reporters and journalists on the left vowed to continue to stoke the fires of racial tensions, hopefully getting more people to show up whenever another rally is announced.
“There’s always next year,” a somber MSNBC anchor said.
Thy name is Legion…
A new report has indicated that local devout Christian man Brian Metford took a few minutes out of his busy morning schedule to think about reading his Bible this morning.
The man was proud to report he’d “strongly considered” reading his Bible for several minutes before deciding to do something else.
“It’s important to think about reading your Bible every day,” Metford said. “Especially when the busyness of your everyday schedule threatens to take away those precious few minutes with God. You have to make it a habit to stop whatever you’re doing every morning and think about possibly picking up your Bible and reading it.”
Metford never actually reads his Bible, but he’s still a strong proponent of Christians considering reading their Bibles before doing something with more “immediate gratification,” like binge-watching The Office on Netflix again, logging onto Steam for a few hours of Counter-Strike, or just staring at the ceiling thinking about how bored they are.
He encourages his fellow Christians to make thinking about reading their Bibles the first thing they do in the day, before they reject the idea out of hand in order to browse Facebook and Twitter for an hour or two on their smartphones.
“How can we say we follow Christ if we don’t love the thought of reading His Word?—in a totally theoretical sense of course.”