Category Archives: mockery
Amid mounting pressure from his evangelical support base to take a stand on the issue, President Trump went on record Wednesday morning as fully affirming his personal belief in the doctrine of the inerrancy of President Trump.
Trump rejected theories that described his words as man-made and imperfect, and instead fully affirmed both the infallibility and the inerrancy of all of his statements, to the relief of conservative evangelicals everywhere.
“To be clear, I don’t simply believe my words are inspired or divinely breathed, but rather that they are completely and totally inerrant in the original context in which they were spoken,” Trump said in a press conference. “I reject all of that namby-pamby progressive Trumpology that says my words merely contain some kind of divine truth but might have some factual errors. That’s dangerous stuff. Heresy, really. The worst!”
Evangelicals have long debated the inerrancy of Trump, with the most recent public clash coming about at the International Council on Trumpal Inerrancy held during the 2016 election, during which hundreds of pastors and scholars signed the Chicago Statement on Trumpal Inerrancy.
“We are glad Trump is fully on board with dearly held Christian doctrines like the inerrancy of Trump,” Pastor Robert Jeffress said in an interview.
“It just goes to show he really is a man after Trump’s own heart.”
After a massive, multi-million-dollar marketing campaign and far-reaching internet advertisement initiative, local seeker-sensitive church Widegate Community Church proudly announced it had successfully attracted every genuine seeker of God in the whole world to its Sunday service, bringing the attendance total to exactly zero.
Each and every person on planet earth who decided to seek God of their own will showed up to the historic service, so it was completely empty, according to the worship band and pastor. Church leaders opened up the doors bright and early and watched as wave after wave of absolutely nobody parked in the church’s giant parking lot and entered through its state-of-the-art foyer.
“Every single person who seeks after God without His divine prompting showed up,” lead pastor of vision casting Larry Anderson said. “We were really blowing the doors off with the zeroes and zeroes of people who came that day. It was totally a God thing.”
At publishing time, the church had announced it would be marketing its services exclusively to people with good hearts, and that leadership expected exactly zero people to make an appearance each Sunday.
It reminds me of a simple passage of Scripture-
The wicked in his proud countenance does not seek God; God is in none of his thoughts. (Ps. 10:4)
Dr. Philip Manse of Fuller Theological Seminary, head scholar on a committee designed to review English renderings of the word, released a statement coinciding with the report confirming that repentance is better described as believing in yourself and following your dreams, rather than changing one’s mind and turning around one’s life.
“We’ve often assumed that Jesus’s command ‘metanoeite’ meant that we were to believe on him and abandon our old way of life,” Manse wrote. “But after studying the Scriptures really hard and searching our inner feelings, we’ve determined that’s not the case. Rather, Jesus was encouraging his listeners to listen to the whispers of their innermost desires and follow those, no matter what He or the Word of God said.”
“You should just do you. It’s all there in the text,” he went on to assure his readers.
The team of scholars recommended new translations be released with popular verses now reading “You do you, for the kingdom of heaven is near” and “Believe in yourself and be baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus. Or don’t, whatever you feel is right. It’s cool. You’ve got to follow your own path.”
At publishing time, Manse had teased an upcoming report that would question whether Jeremiah 17:9 should actually read, “The heart is trustworthy above all things, and you definitely should follow whatever it tells you. Who can know it?”
After super-celebrity Kanye West explicitly endorsed President Donald Trump on Twitter, igniting a firestorm of controversy, conservatives reminded the nation never to listen to the opinions of rich, out-of-touch celebrities unless those celebrities happen to say things that line up nicely with the conservative worldview.
“Who cares what these ELITIST Hollywood PERVERTS have to say about anything?!?! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸” one person posted to Twitter, but appended the tweet with “(Except for Kanye West, whose mind has been freed. LISTEN to HIM!!!! #MAGA).”
Other conservative internet users agreed, stating that “narcissistic uber-wealthy celebs need to just shut up and keep their ignorant opinions to themselves,” but immediately excluded West from this group after seeing that Donald Trump had retweeted two of his tweets declaring his love for the president.
“Kanye West is not a crazy egomaniac like the rest of them—he’s one of us!” they declared.
The results of an extensive Gallup poll were released Friday afternoon confirming that if President Donald Trump were discovered to be the Antichrist described in the Bible, his support among American evangelicals would not be negatively affected.
The study even indicated that evangelical support for Trump would go up in certain states if he were outed as the beast from the sea, empowered by the dragon to utter blasphemies against God and conquer the saints.
“Our research indicates that if he were discovered to the Antichrist, the lawless one from the Book of Revelation, President Trump’s support among American evangelicals would not be affected in the least,” a Gallup spokesman said. “Many said they would ‘double down,’ in that case, confident that their president would be ‘playing 4D chess’ with his enemies.”
“King David had issues too,” many also responded, according to the report.
Yup. And Yup. They really would. Just ask Eric Metaxas and Jerry Falwell Jr and Robert Jeffress and Franklin Graham where their ‘red line’ for Trump is and you’ll discover that they have none. Trumpvangelicals.
A recent youth “Spring Kick-Off” pool party at pastor Rod’s house was revealed to be a covert attempt to inflate the church’s baptism numbers, a source close to Growth Church revealed Tuesday.
The event was pitched as a fun time for the youth to get to know each other, swim in the youth pastor’s pool, and develop crushes on one another in a complex web of opaque relationship statues comparable to those in an HBO drama series. But new evidence suggests it was something more sinister: an opportunity for the church to pad its baptism statistics, counting every youth who dunked himself in the pool as a baptism for the church’s annual report.
Partway through the event, a deacon was spotted in a nearby bush, marking down each youngster who cannonballed into the pool as a baptized church member. Witnesses claim he even counted people who jumped in more than once as separate baptisms.
“In response to current reports, we can confirm that anyone who was fully immersed in the pastor’s pool Saturday night was in fact counted as a legitimate conversion, profession of faith, and baptism,” the church’s vision casting pastor said in a statement. “Anyone who takes issue with that should have read the fine print in the release form the parents had to sign before the event took place. It clearly stated that we reserve the right to count literally anything as a baptism.”
“Our final tally for the night was 343 baptisms—not a bad night for the kingdom of God,” he added.
At publishing time, further investigation had revealed the church counted as a baptism anyone who got wet participating in the water balloon fight, battling in the Super Soaker war, or washing their hands before the hot dogs and burgers were served.
Watch, Furtick will do it.
Once again, nail on the head.
Local father Trevor Michelson, 48, and his wife Kerri, 45, are reeling after discovering that after 12 years of steadily taking their daughter Janie to church every Sunday they didn’t have a more pressing sporting commitment—which was at least once every three months—she no longer demonstrates the strong quarterly commitment to the faith they raised her with, now that she is college-aged.
Trevor Michelson was simply stunned at the revelation. “I just don’t understand it. Almost every single time there was a rained-out game, or a break between school and club team seasons, we had Janie in church. It was at least once per quarter. And aside from the one tournament in 2011, we never missed an Easter. It was obviously a priority in our family—I just don’t get where her spiritual apathy is coming from.”
“I can’t tell you how often we prayed the prayer of Jabez on the way to a game,” added Janie’s mother.
“You know, the more I think about it, the more this illustrates how the church just keeps failing this generation,” lamented Trevor, citing a recently-googled study by Barna or someone.
The Michelsons further noted plans to have a chat with the pastor of their church after their younger son Robert’s soccer season calms down a bit.
In a major breakthrough, scientists working at the White House excitedly confirmed Thursday that they have discovered the most fragile element in the known universe: President Donald Trump’s ego. Scientists began to suspect the extreme fragility of the substance after observing that the slightest criticism would set Trump into a crazed rampage. “Even the slightest breeze can shatter his brittle ego into a million pieces, so we don’t really blame him for getting defensive about it,” one of the study researchers told reporters. “If our sense of self-worth were that dependent on others’ opinions, we’d probably protect our pride and ego with as much raging furor.”
According to scientists, Trump was probably born with the condition, and learned to cope with the crippling vulnerability by lashing out at critics who would otherwise topple his confidence. This defense mechanism allowed him to prevent his ego from shattering into a million pieces each and every time even reasonable, level-headed criticism of his actions reached his ears. “Really, we should feel bad for him. Just remember, you never really know what medical conditions and demons other people are battling on the inside,” the researcher added.
Oh man, this must have been an awkward situation for the president. Rumor has it Mr. Trump had a hankering for a few cheeseburgers yesterday, so he had his security detail take him on down to a local McDonald’s. After he placed his order and went to pay, sources say his nervous cashier had to inform him that his card had been declined.
“Declined? That’s impossible,” Trump replied, but the cashier ran the card several more times with the same result. Stepping aside so other patrons could order their meals, the president then reportedly called up the 800-number on the back of his card to speak to a customer service rep, who said, “I’m sorry sir, your account has been overdrawn in the amount of $21,051,661,458,842.” Talk about embarrassing!
It’s his own fault though…
St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church prides itself on staying on the cutting edge of progressive theology and practice. This steadfast commitment is apparent in many aspects of the ministry’s church life, including its recent decision to remove all “toxic” pew Bibles and replace them with “life-giving” adult coloring books.
“I hadn’t seen anyone pick up one of those Bibles in decades, anyway,” Reverend Rachel Schuman said Tuesday. “And thank God for that! Those things are extremely problematic and multi-phobic, in so many ways.”
“Now we have these amazing pew books that allow parishioners to doodle and color—inside or outside the lines, we won’t judge—while the blessed soul-hug is being delivered from the pulpit. This new practice better matches the vibe of the service as well as our beliefs as a faith group—calming, therapeutic, affirming, delicate—a unique path and experience for each individual,” she added. “Namaste.”
The choice for pew Bible replacements came down to either the coloring book, a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul, or a handheld mirror, with the coloring book winning by vote. “We still may add the mirrors, though, right next to the coloring books,” Schuman revealed.
John Wildrow was excited to finally take a tour of the Holy Land. It was a “childhood dream” of his, he claims. He bought tickets months in advance and impatiently awaited the day of his plane’s departure to tour the Promised Land. Finally, he took off on a flight for his scheduled Holy Land tour earlier this week, and he couldn’t have been more anxious and excited.
But when he arrived in the Holy Land late Tuesday evening, he was disappointed and shocked not to find himself in the United States of America as he had expected, but rather in a tiny country on the edge of the Mediterranean.
Wildrow grew up in a rural town in the American South, and had hoped to take a tour of America’s capital city, so he could see exactly where God signed a contract with America to “make her great.”
“Wait a minute—this looks like the Middle East!” he cried out in horror as he disembarked. “I thought we were going to visit the land of God’s chosen people!” The man asked around at information booths and pestered his tour guide, but everyone he spoke with confirmed he was actually in Israel and not the sacred capital city of the United States. In fact, the people he talked to seemed to be under the “mistaken impression” that the Middle Eastern region was in fact the ancient place where the biblical narrative occurred.
“I wanted to see the spot where Jesus and the Founding Father signed the Declaration of Independence, not this dumpy little stable,” he grumbled as the tour passed by a possible site of Jesus’s birth in Bethlehem. “This sucks! BOOOOOOO!”
At publishing time, Windlow had been sulking on the bus, wistfully watching a documentary on the founding of the United States while his tourmates took a guided tour of the Garden of Gethsemane.
Yeah sorry John, America isn’t the chosen nation. It isn’t even intimated at in the Bible.
In a tightly contested bid for a fourth presidential term, Russian president Vladimir Putin narrowly beat opposing candidate Vladimir Putin, reports coming from Moscow indicated early Monday morning.
Triumphant candidate Vladimir Putin humbly accepted the victory as results were released, while losing candidate Vladimir Putin called for the country to unite under Vladimir Putin.
“My opponent fought a tough battle, but we overcame,” Putin said to a cheering crowd. “We thank him for his participation—without legitimate choices in an election, we wouldn’t be a true democracy. The free exchange of ideas and peaceful transfer of power are what make our democracy shine.”
Defeated candidate Vladimir Putin expressed similar sentiments at a rally held next door, several minutes later.
“My opponent fought a tough battle, and we just couldn’t edge him out,” Putin said to a somber crowd. “We thank him for his loyalty and service to this country—without legitimate choices in an election, we wouldn’t be a true democracy. The free exchange of ideas and peaceful transfer of power are what make our democracy shine.”
According to exit polls, one third-party candidate, Vladimir Putin, only garnered some 1.5% of the vote, but may have been enough to throw the election in favor of Vladimir Putin, sources confirmed.
In related news, the United Stats elected by a non majority the American Putin, Donald Trump and the Israelis elected the Israeli Putin, Bibi Netanyahu.
This makes sense, actually-
In what was rumored to be a multi-million-dollar deal, popular clickbait website BuzzFeed has purchased The Gospel Coalition, journalists learned Wednesday.
TGC had reportedly been restructuring and refocusing its content for the past several years in an attempt to merge with a larger clickbait site, and according to TGC council members, BuzzFeed was a perfect match.
“It’s a match made in heaven from eternity past,” council member D.A. Carson said. “We’ll be able to reorient our gospel-centered content to a more attractive, listicle-style feel. ’27 GIFs That Will Make Paedobaptists Feel All The Feels,’ ‘Beth Moore Just Debuted Her New Hairstyle And We Are LOVING IT,’ that kind of thing.”
“Whatever gets the clicks,” he added.
Exciting articles like “Here are 53 pictures of John Piper that will make you say, FAREWELL ROB BELL!” and “Tell us your favorite dessert and we’ll tell you which Puritan is your spirit animal” immediately went up on the site following the purchase. One hot, trending article was titled “YASS, SLAY QUEEN: THIS WOMAN WAS TOLD SHE COULDN’T SERVE IN CHILDREN’S MINISTRY, AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE DID NEXT!”
At publishing time, sources confirmed that BuzzFeed was eyeballing Desiring God.
Next up, Buzzfeed will buy Patheos…