Category Archives: mockery

The Bee Stings the ‘Feely’ Generation

An influential group of the nation’s top progressive evangelical authors, speakers, and bloggers met Tuesday evening to officially affirm their recently drafted doctrine of “Sola Feels,” sources confirmed.

The new doctrine, translated “By Feels Alone,” formally outlines one of the essentials of modern-day progressive evangelicalism—that one’s feelings are the supreme authority in all matters of theology and practice.

An alleged draft of the creed, which was leaked to the press Wednesday morning, reads as follows:

“The whole counsel of God, concerning all things necessary for his own glory, man’s salvation, faith, and life, is either expressly set down in our feels, or by good and necessary consequence may be deduced from our feels: unto which nothing at any time is to be added, whether by the Scriptures, church history, or theologians.”

“Quite simply, ‘Sola Feels’ means that all spiritual truths only become true once they’re filtered through and accepted by our feels—all the feels,” popular author and speaker Jane Hansen told reporters after the meeting. “Thus, things that make us feel bad, those are wrong. The things that give us all the happy feels, those are true, right, and good.”

“At least, that’s how we feel at the moment, I feel,” she noted.

Adding that the group holds to progressive Christianity’s traditional position on the infallibility of feelings, Hansen confirmed that “Feels are the only true and perfect standard, revealing truth from lies, and love from intolerance. And we feel sooo good about Sola Feels, so you know it’s great.”

Asked about any pushback they may receive about the new doctrine, Hansen was undaunted, declaring that the group “just can’t even with the bad feels right now.”

Nail on the head.  Where can Rachel Held Evans and Jonathan Merritt sign the creed?

A ‘How to’ Guide for the Publicity Hungry ‘Christian’

These days there’s nothing easier for the publicity questing news hungry than getting your name plastered all over Religion News Service (@RNS).

  • Deny any vestige of orthodox Christian faith.  That means be pro marriage equality, anti conservative values, and anti biblical literacy.
  • Replace the Bible with ‘your view’.  Scripture will just cause you problems, so it’s best if you ignore it.  But if you must discuss it, eisegete, eisegete, eisegete.
  • Be anything but a theologian.  RNS dislikes actual theologians and you will hardly ever see one cited or discussed.  Instead, your profession of choice must be ‘journalist’ or ‘Christian author’.  ESPECIALLY if you’re of the female persuasion.  You’re a shoe in if you are anything but a white male theological type.  The less theological training you actually have, the better!  Hells bells, if you’ve never read a page of theology, you’re king of the land, king of the blind, leader in the land of the blind!

That’s it.  Those three steps will ensure that, as soon as you tweet or write, RNS will pick it up and spew it across their pages and social media.

The Bee Stings Hillary Clinton’s Notion of Religious Freedom

Greetings, Christians of America.

I am running for President of the United States and I am writing today to ask for your vote.

I know I do not have the best track record with religious voters. I understand that your rights as Christians are of utmost importance to you, as you feel them being suffocated in the current American landscape. You are concerned about the cultural tide rising against your values. You are worried about the force of the government coming against the practice of your deeply held beliefs. There is tension in the air that everyone can feel.

But it doesn’t have to be this way, my Christian friends.

I want to make it clear to you that a vote for me is a vote for a quick, clean death for your religious liberty.

The aforementioned death is already coming, to be sure. The dominoes are falling. There is no need to be upset or bitter about it. Nothing you can do will cause so much as a stumble in the ferocious march of the New Tolerance.

There is no need to drag this out any longer than we have to. You fought hard, and you fought nobly—but your time in this country is done. Enough with the death throes. What I am offering is a merciful end to your arduous struggle.

Aren’t you tired of fighting for a protected voice in the public square? Wouldn’t you like to put to bed the anxieties about what religious rights your children and grandchildren will have? Wouldn’t it be great to not have to worry about the extent to which the government will force you to violate your faith and conscience by mandate?

My vow to you is closure and rest. No more struggling. No more worry. As president, I will grant your religious liberty a quick, clean death.

That is my solemn promise to you.


This Plea For Aid Will Move You to Tears

David Creech shared this on facebook and I can’t stop weeping. You won’t be able to either…

Christmas is Coming…

That can only mean one thing: pretty soon someone is going to announce the ‘discovery’ of a ‘text’ that will ‘shake the foundations of Christian faith’.

Can’t wait to see what it is this year?  I’m all tingly.  Will it be another ‘manuscript’ published by HTR which describes Jesus’s marriage to his sister or will it come in the form of a grave which contains the ‘body of Jesus and his entire family!’

I just can’t wait!

The SBL Executive Board Has Contacted the Editor in Chief of IVP for a Sit Down Discussion…


Meanwhile, Behind the Scenes at the SBL Executive Offices…