The Best Books To Buy The Emergent On Your Christmas (Oops, I mean Holiday) List

The good news is, they’re all published by Tyndale House (the one in the States, not the actual one in Cambridge)-

It’s that time of the year already! We’ve combed through thousands of works that have been published this season and now it’s time to count down the very best Christian books of 2017.

With our tenacious collective intellect and unparalleled access to the inner world of Christendom, our yearly top ten books list has become the standard-bearer of all top ten lists.

You’ve waited all year, and here it is. The Babylon Bee‘s top ten books of 2017.

10.) God and the Muslim Christian — Matthew Vines: A follow-up to his popular book God and the Atheist Christian, in this work Vines builds a compelling case for holding onto your identity as a devout Muslim and opponent of all kafir, while simultaneously embracing the precious truths and promises of the gospel. This book is a game-changer.

9.) The Eggs Benedict Option — Rod Dreher: How should a Christian engage the world? With an egg attractively served atop an English muffin and slice of ham, of course. In one of the most stimulating reads of the year, Dreher calls on believers to retreat to their kitchens in order to prepare the classic American breakfast dish while pondering what in the world we might do about this post-protein and post-Christian debacle we find ourselves in.

8.) Keeping Up with the Pipers — Barnabas Piper: The younger Piper gives a tell-all account of the wacky hijinks that inevitably pop up on an hourly basis when you’re being raised by John Piper. From tales of Grape-Nuts to snow angels to banana splits, this book is guaranteed to keep you smiling throughout.

7.) What Happened — Mark Driscoll: The former pastor of Mars Hill gives a riveting, extraordinarily detailed account of what went wrong at the multi-site megachurch, blaming everyone from Satan and attack helicopters to Russian click-farms and the mainstream media.

6.) Under an Amish Blood Moon — John Hagee and Beverly Lewis: When two electrifying authors like Hagee and Lewis team up, the result can’t be anything but spectacular. A thrilling tale of impending premillennial doom is the backdrop for a love story between unassuming Amish boy Eli and his forbidden love Sarah.

5.) Frodo’s Journey Aboard Battlestar Galactica: A Lord of the Rings Fanfiction— Tim Keller: We didn’t think a fanfiction about a Hobbit going off in search of the mythical planet of earth aboard the last remaining Battlestar would be any good, but Keller proved us wrong. All 67 parts of this fanfic, published under Keller’s fanfiction.net handle “BaldPresby413,” were absolutely enthralling.

4.) Blow the Moment — Carl Lentz: Using his phenomenal “punt heard round the world” as the blueprint, lead pastor of the U.S. franchise of global megachurch Hillsong literally writes the book about how to shirk your responsibility as a Christian when asked point-blank if abortion is bad, in order to reduce the level of tension in the air, gain favor of those around you, and alienate the fewest number of non-believers and personal fans at the expense of the truth. As he did recently in front of millions of people on The View, let the master Lentz teach you how to truly Blow the Moment.

3.) Why You Need To Buy My 50-Gallon Drums of Nacho Cheese Sauce Right Now Before Your Entire Family is Killed — Jim Bakker: Evangelical stalwart Bakker makes no bones about it. You better buy his oil drums full of delicious cheese sauce right now! Ignore him at your family’s peril! We even ordered several of his “CODE RED END TIMES DELICIOUS PANTRY BLEND” just in case. Hey, our families are safe!

2.) Christian Values are Great, but Hoo Boy, Let Me Tell You About This Thing Called Political Power — Jerry Falwell, Jr: The president of Liberty University lays out a bold case for why Christian values are all well and good, but once one gets a taste of political power that clashes with said values, man oh man, a little thing called cognitive dissonance kicks in and things can get a little complicated. Endorsed by Donald Trump and Robert Jeffress, this book was an instant bestseller this year.

1.) You’ll Buy Any Stupid Trash I Put Out, Won’t You, You Dumb Suckers — Joel Osteen: In perhaps the most important work of the year, Joel Osteen lays out an iron-clad case to millions of readers that they will undoubtedly continue to buy any and all stupid, meaningless, mind-numbing, gospel-diluting, Jesus-disrespecting trash he puts out, in bulk, without so much as a second thought. “I spread this hair-thin Christian veneer on it, smack my huge smile on the front cover, and collect my $15 million advance because you morons just keep eating it up,” he says in the intro. An instant Christian classic that’s sure to sell millions of copies.

Your favorite Emergent ‘Christian’ will dig these!  Just don’t get them for an actual Christian- because an actual Christian will actually burn them.

Trump Has Finally Lost the White Evangelical Dude Voters

In a sudden exodus that is sure to have a significant impact on the 2020 election, American evangelicals have begun abandoning their support of President Donald Trump in droves Tuesday, after he suggested in an interview that McDonald’s food is better than Chick-fil-A’s.

Responding to a comment about his well-known affinity for McDonald’s fast food, the president also mentioned that he likes a few others: “Wendy’s, Burger King, KFC…they’re pretty good too,” he said.

“What about one of the nation’s favorites, Chick-fil-A?” the reporter asked. “No, not really. Not a fan. McDonald’s is better,” came Trump’s reply.

The clip immediately went viral across social media, with evangelicals denouncing the president wholesale and vowing to have him removed from office. #DumpTrump, #FakeChristianTrump, and #ChickFilAforever became worldwide trending topics almost immediately, with polls indicating Trump’s approval rating among evangelicals plummeting to near zero.

Shockingly, Vice President Pence even entered the fray, cryptically tweeting out, “Farewell, Donald Trump,” in a move causing pundits to wonder if he is considering abandoning his office.

Among the nation’s everyday evangelicals, shock and disappointment reigned.

“He told us he was a real Christian!” one emotional former Trump supporter told reporters. “We were okay with his crass comments, rude demeanor, and exploitation of our faith for political power. But this is beyond the pale.”

“We were willing to overlook so much—but this is absolutely unacceptable,” he added.

At publishing time, President Trump had tweeted several photos of himself smiling while stuffing various Chick-fil-A products into his mouth, in a desperate bid to win back his evangelical base.

 Supporting a child molester and being a multiply divorced foul mouthed womanizer didn’t do it, but trash talking Chik-Fil-A… that will break any Evangelical’s good will.

Trump Didn’t Nuke the World, He Microwaved a Burrito

A special ABC News report Friday stated that a deranged President Donald Trump nuked the entire world, flattening the entirety of civilization into a gooey nothingness, before later issuing a minor correction stating that he actually just microwaved a burrito.

ABC News reporter Brian Ross broke the erroneous story, describing in great detail how Trump had finally decided he’d had enough and launched over 4,000 nuclear warheads at every single country on the planet. The White House quickly disputed the story, however, pointing out that in reality, the only thing Trump had nuked was a microwavable burrito “for 90 seconds on High.”

“We apologize for the minor error,” an ABC News spokesperson said Monday after the clarification had been issued. “One of our reporters did seem to suggest that Donald Trump instigated a nuclear apocalypse, destroying nearly all of humanity, and we recognize that is a minor factual error when compared with the actual event that occurred, that being the simple microwaving of a frozen snack.”

At publishing time, ABC News had reported that former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was a Russian spy, before later clarifying that he had simply been seen purchasing a bottle of vodka.

#Bam.

Rob Bell Has Written His Most Sensible Essay to Date

This is Rob Bell at his very best.  This is, literally, the best he can do.

Op-Ed: When We Learn To Zim To God’s Zum, Red Potato Pepper Cascading At The Burning Of Dawn.

Zim. It’s not just a nonsensical word I made up: it’s the key. The experience. The journey. The God-Fountain of humanity. And maybe God isn’t this angry God up in the sky somewhere. Maybe He’s not even real, who knows. Maybe He’s not who the Bible says He is. Maybe—just maybe—this great Unknown Light-God wants you to Zim, not to the zimless rhythms of the world, but to the love-infused grace of His or Xer Zum.

When we do this, when we find our Zimzum in the simmering stews of God’s love, we’ll find our peppered potatoes not shivering, but cascading. Cascading freely. Cascading beautifully. Cascading with the passion and freedom of a beautiful, broken mess that’s found who it’s supposed to be. It’s the great tragedy of modern evangelicalism that we’ve turned the beautiful spud-filled love story of the mystic divine into a way to get to heaven, rather than the unknowable fog of potato-laced mystery it was always supposed to be. Potatoes. Potatoes cascading in the center of who we are. Peppering the frothy fuzz of our core. Cascading at the burning. The burning of dawn. It’s the zim that God wants you to zum. Resonate with your Zimzum, and be freed from the shackles of religion.

We Finally Know What Paul’s ‘Thorn in the Flesh’ Was!

Researchers at a top Christian university Friday revealed a stunning find, as linguistic scholars have at long last pinpointed the ambiguous phrase “thorn in my flesh” used by Paul in his second letter to the Corinthians to be a reference to the seasonal pop ballad “Last Christmas” by English pop duo Wham!.

Biblical commentators have been divided on the phrase for years, with many surmising it was some kind of physical ailment, and others supposing that it was a personal struggle with sin.

But the new theory that it was in fact Wham!’s “Last Christmas” playing on repeat makes perfect sense, according to Bible scholars.

“Ridiculous lyrics, repetitive synth melody, George Michael’s voice, the fact that it’s played nonstop for a full month every year—it has all the required elements of a messenger of Satan sent to torment the Apostle. It’s definitely something that you’d beg the Lord to depart from you three times, anyway,” Dr. Robert Percival, head of the school’s New Testament program, said in a press conference Friday.

“Dang it, now it’s in my head again. Ugh,” he added.

Dr. Percival further stated that a newly unearthed letter fragment dated to the mid-first century assisted in cracking the code of the opaque phrase. “Everywhere I go, that blasted song is on—everywhere,” the author, assumed to be Paul, wrote in the scathing missive. “There’s never any good classic Christmas hymns playing. The song’s not even about Christmas, for crying out loud—it just mentions the holiday in passing!”

“Please, Lord, make it stop!” he added.

Yup.  Totally legit.

The #GOPTaxScam

Dear GOP Senators and Congressmen,

I was afraid the 1% and Congress would be hurt by the bill you’re putting together. It’s such a relief to know that only the middle and lower classes will be.   Thanks so much Senator Lamar Alexander and Senator Bob Corker.   You guys are real heroes to the super rich. I just hope you don’t have to stay in office to see the death and destruction you’ll cause.

Cthulhu To Speak At Liberty University

Liberty University has announced its next set of Convocation speakers for the coming semester, and among several prominent athletes and political figures is the ancient, brooding cosmic entity known as Cthulhu, sources confirmed Tuesday. The horror from beyond time and space will address the student body, giving his remarks on living moral lives and voting Republican, according to Liberty reps. “We’ve got a really special treat for all Liberty students: the Sleeper of R’lyeh from the unknown reaches of the stars,” Jerry Falwell Jr said in an announcement video. “It’s important to us that our students get a well-rounded experience while attending our university, and that includes hearing from varying perspectives, like various conservative politicians as well as the Great Dreamer from the blackest depths of the sea.”

“Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn! Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!” he added, his eyes glazing over in a trancelike stare.

According to Falwell, an expedition was sent to the murky waters of the South Pacific to extend an invitation to Cthulhu, who was taking a nap in his house at R’lyeh at the time, waking up to warmly accept the invitation to speak at the school. Liberty University personnel claim rumors that Cthulhu will devour all of humanity after the event are unfounded.

The Vatican Is Offering Indulgences for 50% off For Cyber Monday

Even though far more Catholics shopped online than in churches on Black Friday weekend, they are apparently not done yet.

A new EOTT survey released Sunday estimates that some 67-million Roman Catholics will shop online for their remission of temporal punishment in purgatory due for sins after absolution on Cyber Monday. That’s up only slightly from last year’s 65-million shoppers.

With Walmart and Amazon recently entering the Cyber Monday indulgence “game,” the Church is now offering heavy discounts as well, not only online but, more crucially, in churches. That move, which reflects how penitents shopped for forgiveness in 2016, is also meant to lower the stress of the Vatican website, which last year buckled under the intense eSpiritual-commerce pressure that naturally comes with Cyber Monday.

The evidence of the migration of “church shopping” to eSpiritual-commerce is incontrovertible: Eternal Fortune Magazine told EOTT on Sunday that eSpiritual-commerce sales between Thanksgiving and Saturday rose 13.7% to top $6.1 billion in new indulgences.

“The brick-and-mortar churches have made a big leap with their online efforts this year,” USCCB analyst Devin Thomas told EOTT yesterday. “They’re starting to get it. The USCCB says 63% of Black Friday indulgences placed on their website came from mobile devices…something we believe shows Catholics are growing more comfortable with pushing the “forgive me” button on smartphones.

Oh, and this is a good time to remind you that Luther lost the indulgence controversy.  They’re still selling them, Martin (for real, they still sell indulgences).

A New ‘Violence Free’ Bible for the Special Snowflake on Your Christmas List

We know what you’re thinking: why does the Bible have to be so, you know, violent? Any honest look at human history shows we’ve progressed beyond all that barbaric, blood-soaked, pillage-the-Canaanites Old Testament stuff.

It’s the 21st century, after all, and we all know that love wins! God is all about peace, rainbows, and self-esteem. Nobody wants to open their Bible and get smacked in the face with images displaying the gory consequences of sin, the grisly certitude of death, and the murderous nature of the human heart. Wars? Yuck.  Animal sacrifice? Bleck. Disembowelment? DISGUSTING.

Well, you’re in luck. Just in time for the holidays, the Coalition of Progressive Christian Publishers has come together to bring us a new Violence-Free Version of God’s Holy Word.

The publisher has graciously offered The Babylon Bee an exclusive selection of story summaries from the VFV:

  • Angered by humanity’s sin, God drowns the earth in a global flood of puppies and candy.
  • As a sign of the covenant, God commands Abraham to get a lit “Shalom” tattoo on his wrist.
  • The Israelites and their Egyptian captors collaborate to reduce their collective carbon footprint, causing the Red Sea to lower.
  • Jericho attempts to build a wall to keep the Israelites out, but is unable to secure federal funding and public support.  Israel walks right through the city without killing anyone.
  • Jael, Heber’s wife, picks up a tent peg and a hammer and helps stake down the family tent while he sleeps—Proverbs 31 woman right there!
  • The shepherd boy David defeats the Philistine Goliath in a casual 5K Fun Run to combat leprosy.
  • After being taunted by 42 dangerous youths, Elisha surprises the gang of rowdy ne’er-do-wells with two big bear hugs.
  • Job is tested by Satan with first-world problems like his iPhone X cracking after an unfortunate drop and Starbucks being sold out of his favorite beverage after waiting in a long drive-thru line.
  • In the imprecatory Psalms, the Psalmist prays that the Lord would metaphorically bash the skulls of his enemies with His love and kindness.
  • Nebuchadnezzar totally roasts Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego with a fiery Facebook rant, only for an anonymous fourth commenter to come to their defense with some savage memes.
  • When He’s about 33 years old, Jesus establishes a large megachurch at Calvary, has a successful, uplifting ministry, and eventually retires to the Sea of Galilee on his attractive 401K plan.
  • Ananias and Sapphira donate part of their allotted offering to the church, and the Apostle Peter asks them to stand and be recognized for their generous donation.
  • Just before it’s about to start, the Battle of Armageddon is canceled. Jesus rolls up on a Segway in order to pass out participation trophies to everyone. Great job, guys!

What great stories from the Bible, only slightly altered for maximum warmth and fuzziness! The Violence-Free Version of the Bible is available today.

Go on now, get yourself one

Even in the Catholic Church The People Who Demand The Most Contribute the Least

Disgruntled Parishioner of St. Agatha Catholic Church James Fitzgerald reported yesterday that he would hence for no longer financial assist the church with his customary weekly one dollar contribution until the Church begins to allow women to become priests.

63-year-old Fitzgerald, who considers himself a “feminist at heart,” told St. Agatha pastor Fr. Timothy Reynolds that he could no longer stand by and watch an outdated institution continue to suppress women.

“I pulled out this pretty boy and told him to say goodbye to it and many of its friends,” Fitzgerald said, pulling out a crumpled up one dollar bill from his pocket to show Reynolds what he would be missing out on. “Just wanted to show him that I meant business.”

Fitzgerald also told Fr. Reynolds that he also knew “quite a number” of other high level one dollar donors that he could easily call upon to also withdraw they contributions.

“I know James pretty well,” Reynolds told EOTT. “He’s a man of his word. And when he told me that we could no longer count on his four dollars a month, I knew we were in big trouble. Rainbow polyester vestments don’t grow on trees, you know? And with the utility bills and all the other bills we have to pay, we just would never be able to make it without that dollar. Frankly, if the Church doesn’t begin to ordain women and fast, St. Agatha’s is, pardon my language, completely effed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I briefed His Holiness about the situation late last night, and his private jet has just arrived to pick me up for an emergency meeting on how to handle the situation.”

That’s how Baptists act!

DON’T do It Netflix

Oh great- more garbage from the self appointed uninformed biblical and theological dilettantes who have already rotted the airways with more than their fair share of nonsense. DON’T do it @netflix.

Netflix Has Ordered a Show About a Modern-Day Jesus From Mark Burnett and Roma Downey.

I sure wish God would dispense judgement to destroy false teachers and heretics like he used to in the olden times.  Ananias and Saphira, for instance…

Judas Iscariot’s Favorite Book? Joel Osteen’s “Your Best Life Now”

New evidence uncovered Wednesday has confirmed that Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus Christ to the Sanhedrin for 30 pieces of silver immediately after finishing Joel Osteen’s famous book Your Best Life Now.

Written accounts from eyewitnesses has been unearthed that record several events that took place immediately prior to Judas’s betrayal of the Son of God and Savior of the world.

“Don’t just accept whatever comes your way in life. You were born to win; you were born for greatness; you were created to be a champion in life,” Iscariot is said to have repeated to himself as he worked up the courage to accept the bribe for the life of the Lord.

“Start calling yourself healed, happy, whole, blessed, and prosperous,” he continued.

Taking a deep breath and entering the chambers of the chief priests, the betrayer then sold the Son of God for money.

When the day came to identify Jesus to authorities by kissing him on the cheek, documents confirmed that a nervous Judas repeated another passage from the book to himself: “You have to learn to follow your heart. You can’t let other people pressure you into being something that you’re not. If you want God’s favor in your life, you must be the person He made you to be, not the person your boss wants you to be, not even the person your parents or your spouse wants you to be. You can’t let outside expectations keep you from following your own heart.”

And, gathering courage, he was able to carry out his task.

Yup.  Osteen makes Judases.

A New Poll Shows that ‘Evangelicals’ Would Support Satan if He Ran For Office as a Republican

A new LifeWay Research poll confirmed Wednesday that a majority of conservative evangelicals would vote for Satan, the Prince of Darkness, should he run for public office as a Republican candidate.

The poll found that 72% of self-identified evangelicals would vote and even campaign for the prince of fallen angels should he promise to promote Republican policies while in office.

“Most of those we surveyed agreed that they would in fact vote for Satan, as long as he verbally supported pro-life and pro-Second Amendment platform positions,” the head of the research study said. “A majority of respondents ‘strongly agreed’ that it was important for a candidate to pay lip service to the hot-button issues of the religious right, while strongly disagreeing that a candidate’s personal penchant for tempting countless millions of souls into the fires of hell would affect his public policies.”

“Lucifer? Yeah, I’d vote for him, as long as he claims to be a Republican,” one member of a study focus group said. “He’s got some character flaws, sure—who doesn’t—but we’ve got to remember that ensuring we Christians get some fleeting political power is far more important than whether our chosen candidate does a little soul-devouring on the side.”

The poll also looked at related issues, such as the willingness of evangelicals to overlook or minimize major moral failings in human candidates.

“Personal indiscretions, shady business dealings, making blood sacrifices to Azathoth the Daemon Sultan in secret—Christians are now willing to forgive literally everything if it means they’ll have some kind of political clout,” the study head told reporters. “Our findings confirm that conservative Christians are actually more likely to vote for mobsters, cultists, and hellish demon kings than any other demographic.”

At publishing time, study officials had confirmed evangelicals would also be willing to support Sith lords, elder gods, and the evil Dr. Robotnik if they were to run for office as members of the GOP.

It’s literally true.

A New Course at Liberty University: Defending Donald Trump

Just in time for the upcoming holiday season, Liberty University announced its plans to offer an online course for Donald Trump supporters who will need some help defending him at family get-togethers.

According to the University’s online catalog, the course, titled “Trumpologetics 101”, will “train students to use techniques developed and honed by Liberty University leadership, who are among the nation’s premier experts at defending even the most non-Christlike aspects of Donald Trump’s policies, public statements, and personal life.”

Sources confirmed that the course will teach skills like blaming fake news, projecting how much worse things would be if Hillary Clinton were president, and comparing Trump to King David of the Bible.

A University spokesperson confirms Liberty will offer a degree in Trumpologetics beginning next year, which they expect to become the cornerstone of their undergraduate curriculum.

I expect Jerry Falwell Jr to be the lead teacher of the course.  He’s so determined to side with perversity that his nose is eternally stained.

Atheist Missionaries Bring Nihilism to Overjoyed Remote Tribes

PAPUA NEW GUINEA—After months of slow, arduous language work and the full translation of The God Delusion into their native tongue, an atheist missionary enjoyed the fruits of his labor as the entire tribe he was working with erupted in ritualistic rejoicing after coming to believe life has no objective meaning whatsoever.

In a special teaching session held in the village square, the missionary delivered an impassioned speech arguing that God does not exist and that we are all just stardust with no ultimate meaning or purpose.

“I see that you are a religious people,” he said, gesturing to their tribal relics and decorations throughout the village. “Well, I’m here today to replace your belief in angry deities you have to appease with sacrifice and good works with the good news that your lives are absolutely worthless.”

“Seriously, none of this matters. We’re all just highly evolved primates dancing to our DNA, so do whatever. I don’t care,” he added at the conclusion of the message.

After a few moments of tense silence, the tribesmen began to jump up and down in a joyous dance, shouting, “EE-TAOW!! EE-TAOW!!”, an expression of joy and wonder in their language. Tribal elders outfitted themselves in sacred garb and face paint as the dancing went on for hours, and the atheist missionary was lifted up on the tribesmen’s shoulders in a celebration of their newfound hope that everything they’ve ever known is simply the result of cold, uncaring chance.

At publishing time, the tribal people were fashioning fedoras out of fronds and posting obnoxious atheist memes on Facebook.