Category Archives: mockery
In a rare display of surrender, scientists across the nation have given up their extensive search to prove that Bill Nye “The Science Guy” is a reliable spokesperson for the principles of scientific inquiry.
According to sources, researchers threw in the towel after viewing a recent episode of Nye’s new variety show, Bill Nye Saves The World.
“We’ve wasted years of effort trying to prove he’s a credible, non-biased source of information,” one scientist told reporters. “We’ve tried and tried, utilizing the very best technology known to man, and now it’s time to move on to more promising fields of research.”
“It’s a lost cause,” he added grimly.
According to reports, Nye responded by pointing to his wardrobe of lab coats as evidence of his “sciency-ness,” and called all people who disagree with him “closed-minded Science Guy deniers.”
He’s absurd. Science folk should be as embarrassed of him as psychiatrists are of Dr Phil.
According to ominous local reports, a local woman was gravely offended over what several witnesses described an innocuous comment made to question the beliefs and convictions of the slighted individual.
The victim in question was rumored to be “totally outraged” and demanded “justice” for the inconvenience of having to think through her position after being exposed to a contrary worldview, sources confirmed.
Local news teams swarmed the woman’s home to get a statement after hearing that she was, in fact, horribly offended, and irreconcilably shaken.
“I can’t believe things were said that didn’t make me feel good!” the outraged individual stated to the crowd of journalists. “I demand justice!”
“AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!” she added.
At publishing time, the victim was relaying her firm conviction that the offending party was an insufferable fascist.
Her name is Legion.
We were yelling with joy, because Apple just added a full set of emojis for polygamists to the iPhone, and we. Can’t. Even.
We are literally feeling all the feels. This is such a huge win for equality. This is what George Washington died for. This is what Abraham Lincoln attacked the South for. This is literally why Hitler committed suicide.
The new emoji set contains several different characters depicting men with up to twelve different women, beautifully displaying the love between a man and his many wives. And can we say, it’s about time!
Because love is love, that’s why. And if you don’t like that, sorry! Bye Felicia!
Apple literally just slapped bigots in the face with their support of free love. Yes!
Love wins, bigots! Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!
A brave internet user has discovered a creative, unique, and winsome way to protect the Christian faith against error and heresy: an anonymous Twitter account.
Using the Twitter handle @PurestDoctrine4U, the person (who agreed to an interview Wednesday only if the secret of his or her identity would be maintained) says they stumbled across the idea from another anonymous account and, after deciding they should “carry that cross” as well, started one of their own.
That was several months ago, and @PurestDoctrine4U already has 43 followers.
The anonymous reformer’s tweets focus on “daringly correcting so-called Christians engaged in a vast array of problematic behaviors while courageously contending for the true faith by upholding only the purest doctrine,” as their bio explains.
“I have a Twitter account under my real name, too,” @PurestDoctrine4U revealed. “But when I use it to correct other Christians and criticize ministries, the replies I get distract me from my mission. I don’t want to explain why they are wrong. They just are.”
“The anon account allows me to serve the church body without the distraction of dealing with people,” the hero added.
The Texas Department of State Health Services has issued an order to Joel Osteen, bestselling author and pastor of Lakewood Church, to acquire a butcher’s license in order to continue handling Scripture.
The department’s Meat Safety Assurance Unit was tipped off to a potential violation of the state’s health code, which prohibits individuals from butchering and mangling poultry, meats, and biblical passages for the public’s consumption without proper training and licensing. When a health inspector then performed a surprise undercover visit to Lakewood Church, sure enough, Osteen was in fact seen brutally slaughtering several passages—including Isaiah 53:5, Jeremiah 1:5, and Psalm 46:10a—without the proper licensing.
“Really we’re just crossing our T’s and dotting our I’s here,” Judd Grant, spokesperson for the inspection unit, told the Houston Chronicle. “It was clear from our observation of Mr. Osteen that he is in fact a skilled and experienced butcher of texts of all kinds. But rules are rules.”
Osteen is expected to comply with the request, and has already spoken victory over the licensing process according to the church’s Director of Positive Thinking.
This Easter weekend, millions of people around the world will affirm their sacred belief that the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth around 30 A.D. in Jerusalem was an elaborate hoax pulled off by a few poor fisherman.
Speaking to reporters, one man explained how his belief that Jesus did not actually rise from the dead is foundational to his life. “At this time of year, my hope lies in my strong faith that the historical narratives and numerous eyewitness accounts of the risen Christ were in fact just part of the largest trick ever pulled off in the history of mankind.”
“Without my faith that it was all actually a vast, intricate fabrication carried out for unclear reasons, I don’t know where I’d be right now,” he added.
Pressed about the logic behind his beliefs—how feasible it would be for a few commoners to convince so many others about something so sensational without anyone bothering to fact-check the details or question local eyewitnesses, or how much sense it makes to believe that the disciples would suffer brutal, tortuous deaths and watch others be martyred for a hoax they knew to be false and gained nothing from—he smiled at reporters and replied, “You just have to have more faith.”
Teachers and students in the Mecklenburg County Community Schools will not be in school Friday, but the official day off has nothing to do with Jesus Christ or Good Friday, according to a statement released on the school system’s website.“For absolutely no reason whatsoever, we are taking an arbitrary break that though correlates in time, is in no way related to the traditional Christian celebration of Jesus’s death and resurrection,” the statement reads. “There is also no association with the Jewish holiday of Passover. This break in no way celebrates or even acknowledges any religion, or that religions exist, or that people are religious. Or anything about God whatsoever.”
When asked about the coincidence in the comments section, a school spokesperson responded, “Oh, did that happen again? Our Spring Break always seems to fall on that day. Total accident.”
The spokesperson added she expects the schools’ Winter Break to arbitrarily and inadvertently occur at the same time as the celebration of Jesus’s birth, but the vacation days will have “absolutely nothing” to do with Christmas.
Good advice from the Bee– though their title is a bit different…
1.) Blast visitors in the face with T-shirt cannons. T-shirt giveaways are a staple of any true church’s Easter service, of course. But why not up the ante? Buy a T-shirt cannon and have your pastoral staff roam throughout the crowd and just blast visitors right in the face with them when they least expect it. Classic!
2.) Show hilarious movie clips. What better way to show the weight of what was accomplished by our Savior on the bloody cross and in the empty tomb than a clip from Happy Gilmore?
3.) Invite Lady Gaga to preach. If you have a regular pastor-dude preach, there’s a really good chance your audience checks out before you get past your introduction. Instead, invite a guest preacher. Might we suggest Lady Gaga? She’s relevant, hip, trendy, and accepting—and she was born that way!
4.) Hire a helicopter to drop bags of cash from the sky. Lots of churches do a lame easter egg hunt. Booooooooriiiiiiiing. Instead, you should spend thousands of dollars to hire a helicopter, stuff it with bags full of cash, and have it fly over the church lawn and drop bags of cash on churchgoers. Make it rain, baby!
5.) Give away expensive cars, private jets, and luxury yachts. No one wants to come to your boring Easter service unless you promise that you’re going to have a mega-awesome giveaway. But tickets for sporting events and big-screen TVs just don’t cut it anymore. In the ultra-competitive church market, you’ve got to stand out. Give away the title to a few Bentleys, a Gulfstream or two, and even a 100-foot luxury mega yacht, to ensure your church is just that much more awesome than the other churches in your area.
6.) Dispense pithy advice and insights in lieu of preaching Christ crucified. People don’t come to your Easter service to hear about atonement, wrath, the sin that separates us from God, and the way of salvation that He made for us. Rather, they want to find out how to achieve a healthy balance and live a more victorious life. Go ahead and just cut out all that gospel, and replace it with really pragmatic insights about how to manage a busy schedule.
There you have it—you’re on your way. This is going to be the best Easter service ever!
But remember, they won’t be back the week after Easter. But that’s ok, isn’t it. Making disciples is sooooooooo hard….
In an attempt to increase evangelistic efficiency, Calvinist scientists working at Reformed Theological Seminary’s School of Research have isolated the “elect gene” in test subjects, and have successfully engineered an electronic detector to help evangelists focus their efforts only on those God has preordained unto salvation from eternity past, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“We found that entire sermons and evangelistic opportunities were being wasted on the ears of those destined to damnation,” head of missions research Dr. Cal Perkins told reporters. “Now we can focus our efforts on calling only God’s chosen people to faith and repentance.”
According to Dr. Perkins, an early field test of the detector showed a promising increase of nearly 400% in the efficiency of missionary work.
“There’s just so much less overhead, not having to deal with the reprobate any longer,” he continued. “I mean, there’s always a few people you suspect you’re wasting your time with, but now Christians can know for sure who’s totally hosed and not worth the effort.”
Perkins further stated that a consumer version of the device had been submitted to the FCC for approval, and should be in stores in time for the holiday season.
At publishing time, nearly half the student body at the seminary had been expelled as the prototype device indicated that they were not elect after all.
They didn’t need to bother. They could have just asked me.
In a recent issue of the Review of Biblistic Archaeologyness Professor Raren Fling Of Scarvard University writes
While traveling in the Middle East, in an undisclosed location, a man in a dark coat (with quite a colorful hat) approached me in the Suk and offered me, in whispered tone, an artifact which he says he received from a trusted and believable source. He said that I would scarcely believe it were I to see it and so naturally I agreed to step into his quiet corner shop with free wi-fi and air-conditioning.
As we entered a back room, down winding stairs, underneath a tunnel, above a secret passage, connected to a maze which only the wisest could navigate guarded by a sphinx and a lynx he stumbled and I had to pull him to his feet. Once we descended what seemed 666 feet he stopped, wiped his brow, grabbed a coke from a handily located machine, and looked at me with an expression of seeming greed and delight, saying, here we are.
Pushing open a creaky door we entered a room that was lined with fascinating artifacts and in the corner was a table over which hunched a half dozen men, chained to the floor and diligently carving what looked to me to be Aramaic script on an assortment of old ossuaries.
My guide pulled open a drawer and there it was! The most amazing thing I had ever beheld! For there, before my eyes, lay what was obviously a carefully crafted portrait of what could only be Jesus of Nazareth! I was aghast. The parchment looked ancient and the image was doubtless authentic.
My host looked at his feet, and said in halting Syriac- ‘I wish to present this to you. For no cost. And you must never reveal that it was I who gave it to you. Take it. Take it home and show it to your friends and have them verify its authenticity. Place it in a lab (owned by your esteemed institution) and see to it that they too authenticate it. And if anyone questions it, simply tell them that they are scoffers scoffing and ignore them’.
But, I had to ask- where did this come from, how did you come to have it? My guide shook his head and said that he could not reveal his trustworthy source just down the street in a chinese owned knock off shop which specialized in churning out papyrus fragments to unsuspecting and gullible souls who can’t tell the difference between an ancient piece of papyrus from a modern piece of cardboard.
So, returning home, I followed his advice. A friend from Canada urged me as well to call a press conference not at some random date but at either Easter or Christmas, when the appetite for such things were at a peak. Having done so I discovered that I had achieved a fame unknown to those lesser colleagues who foolishly labor unstintingly questing for the truth.
Naturally questions have been raised- but I have ignored them, deciding instead to stand my ground like Trayvon Martin. Cleverly, I decided to urge my esteemed University to use one of its journals, The Scarvard Review of Theological Stuff and Puff, to dedicate an entire issue to the portrait / mugshot just the week before Easter, 2014.
And now, for the first time in human history, from an unprovenanced but completely reliable source, I give to you the mugshot of Jesus, on papyrus, inscribed by stylus using ancient iron ink:
Remarkably, the color of the ink has remained intact. We learn, without question, that Jesus was about 5’10, and had golden hair and amber eyes and a goatee/ soul patch. Further tests will be performed on this amazing and earth shattering find. In due course (which means, right before Christmas and then again right before Easter).
Amazing! I want to thank Prof. Fling for permission to reproduce her remarks and the amazing, amazing discovery.
After shopping for over three hours Sunday afternoon, the Gibson family suddenly realized they were actually on a megachurch campus, and not at a local mall as they had originally thought, sources confirmed.
The family came to the realization after they made a wrong turn near a vendor selling T-shirts and hats, leading them into the church’s auditorium rather than the fair-trade, artisan coffee shop they were trying to get to.
“I told you we should have taken a shortcut between the skate shop and book store,” one of the Gibson boys reportedly told his mom. “It clearly said on the mall map back there that was the fastest way to get over to the food court.”
“What’s this big room for?” Mrs. Gibson asked. “Maybe they have concerts or something on weekends. Oooh, or maybe this is where Santa comes to take pictures with the kids.”
But suddenly, the family realized in horror they were standing on a church campus rather than a shopping mall, causing them to flee the property, driving out of the parking lot to the identical mall across the street.
Once again, nail on the head.
Local father Trevor Michelson, 48, and his wife Kerri, 45, are reeling after discovering that after 12 years of steadily taking their daughter Janie to church every Sunday they didn’t have a more pressing sporting commitment—which was at least once every three months—she no longer demonstrates the strong quarterly commitment to the faith they raised her with, now that she is college-aged.
Trevor Michelson was simply stunned at the revelation. “I just don’t understand it. Almost every single time there was a rained-out game, or a break between school and club team seasons, we had Janie in church. It was at least once per quarter. And aside from the one tournament in 2011, we never missed an Easter. It was obviously a priority in our family—I just don’t get where her spiritual apathy is coming from.”
“I can’t tell you how often we prayed the prayer of Jabez on the way to a game,” added Janie’s mother.
“You know, the more I think about it, the more this illustrates how the church just keeps failing this generation,” lamented Trevor, citing a recently-googled study by Barna or someone.
The Michelsons further noted plans to have a chat with the pastor of their church after their younger son Robert’s soccer season calms down a bit.
Pastor John MacArthur has already released an extensive array of commentaries on the Bible, but the popular Bible teacher isn’t done yet. According to a statement released by Grace to You ministries Wednesday, MacArthur is set to release a full line of commentaries providing insight and study notes to help believers study his previous commentaries.
Titled The Complete MacArthur Commentary on John MacArthur’s Previous Commentaries, the 320-volume set will include word studies, grammar helps, and over 5,000,000 explanatory notes to help readers unlock the richness of MacArthur’s previous Bible commentaries.
“We introduce each of my commentaries with an extensive look at the historical context in which it was written, which is absolutely essential for illuminating the text of my previous works,” MacArthur said in a video uploaded to Grace to You’s website. “For instance, how can readers dig into the richness of my commentary on Galatians if they’re unaware that I wrote that right near the end of the Cold War, while I listened to Michael Jackson’s Bad cassette on repeat?”
The works will also feature maps tracking John MacArthur’s ministry, so that readers will gain a deep understanding of the pastor’s ministry and work, allowing them to truly engage the commentaries on the Bible on a meaningful level.
According to MacArthur, he’s also already begun work on The Complete John MacArthur Commentary on John MacArthur’s Commentaries on John MacArthur’s Commentaries, set to be released at the next Shepherds’ Conference.
Big news for the restless reformed lot!
A brilliant theologian was reportedly able to condense the entirety of Scripture into a two-word Facebook comment Tuesday, instantly silencing all critics in the thread and garnering numerous “likes.”
The gifted exegete, going by the name “Kyle Bro” on the social media service, left the comment “Judge not,” followed by an authoritative period, under a friend’s post about sexual immorality in the church—stunning his friends and family with his intellectual clarity and theological acumen.
“I had no idea Kyle knew the Bible so well—I didn’t even know he was a Christian,” said an acquaintance of Bro’s who participated in the comment thread. “I was trying to argue that professing Christians should not be having sex outside of marriage. But he shut me right down. I even deleted my comments in shame after reading his and realizing how right he was.”
“Now I know that scriptural commands are no longer valid if someone feels like they’re being judged by them,” the acquaintance added. “I have Kyle Bro to thank for that.”
An ecumenical gathering of Christian leaders issued an amendment to the biblical canon Monday, clarifying that getting a tattoo in the Hebrew language is in fact a prerequisite for becoming a leader in the local church.
The statement officially changes 1 Timothy 3 to read, “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money, and inked with a dope Hebrew tat.” Similar tweaks were made to the list in Titus 1, according to the council of Protestant authorities.
“Getting a lit tattoo in one of the biblical languages is obviously in keeping with the spirit of Paul’s other requirements for elders and leaders in the church as laid out in the pastoral epistles,” one commentator at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary said. “We would definitely recommend inking yourself a word written in Hebrew if you truly desire to become a teacher in the church—maybe even get a cool tribal design that melts away into a word like ‘shalom.’ That would be totally fire.”
Sources also confirmed that the chosen Hebrew word doesn’t have to be theologically significant, so long as it “looks really cool and authentic.”
That’s about how foolish they look too.
In an effort to appeal to those seeking some kind of spiritual significance in their lives, a large group within the Islamic State has begun a push to become more relevant and seeker-sensitive by watering down their traditionally-harsh message.
The movement will attempt to appeal more to seekers by offering coffee, giveaways, and relevant video clips at a number of planned community events, instead of just running with their usual, murderous message of death and destruction. “It’s not that we don’t believe our caliphate is destined to crush all who oppose Islam—we do, most assuredly,” authentically-unmasked ISIS insider Tariq al Hassan told reporters. “But we just feel we need to engage our culture in a way that speaks to their felt needs, rather than lopping their heads off or shooting them in the chest at the first sign of opposition.”
ISIS meetings within the new seeker-sensitive movement feel less like radical terrorist cells working themselves up into a furor, and more like a laid-back meeting at a local halal coffee shop. Potential new members will find themselves offered swag such as trucker hats, coffee mugs, and “Muhammed is my homeboy” t-shirts, while sipping lattes and listening to messages of love and acceptance in the hip, modern atmosphere. Gone are the public executions traditionally associated with such get-togethers, and in their place are short, practical messages, humorous life observations, and down-to-earth cell leaders who strive to be transparent and real with their followers.
When asked if, despite their softened message, the group still confirms that submitting to Islam is the only way to Allah, al Hassan refused to be pinned down. “We’re all on journey together, and maybe slaughtering infidels by the thousands is right to me—but is it right for you? That’s a question only you and Allah can answer together.”
That’s right- it wouldn’t happen. Except among Christians.