Category Archives: mockery

The Bee Stings, and Scorches, All The Precious Rachel Held Evans-ettes

Shelby Adamson, a sophomore in Civil Engineering at The Georgia Institute of Technology, confirmed today that she had reached the exact level of embarrassment over her Christian faith to meet the approval of her non-believing friends.

Adamson explained to sources how she, after realizing her shame level had dipped too low in recent months, began to regularly pepper her conversations with disparaging remarks about her church’s stances on several key social issues, while upping the amount of jokes regarding her denomination’s past disapproval of activities like dancing and drinking.

“It’s good to know that a religious person like Shelby can get along with normal people,” fellow student Tina Alvarez commented, following a conversation in which Adamson agreed that Christians are “deluded and extreme, totally” if they interpret the Book of Genesis to mean that God literally created the world in six 24-hour days.

Alvarez, who has self-identified as “not really religious, but definitely spiritual,” admitted feeling much more comfortable around Christians who are visibly embarrassed about their faith, and confirmed to sources that Adamson had indeed recently returned to a satisfactory embarrassment level.

At publishing time, Adamson was brainstorming ways she could stay right in the sweet spot of shame over her Christianity, noting that she’ll probably transition soon from mocking her faith’s stance on homosexuality to mocking her faith’s stance on gender roles.

Rachel Held Evans-ettes, you’ve been served.

The Bee Stings the Preteen Church Prowler

Local junior higher Bobby Reinke reported Wednesday that he is still attending both “big church” and youth group in an attempt to begin some kind of personal relationship with “cute” fellow eighth grader Jenny Wilson.  Reinke, sitting with his parents Sunday, also came out staunchly in opposition to cold, dead religion that demands people just attend church in order to fulfill “some kind of religious checklist.”

Their name is Legion.  They come to date, they date, they break up, and they depart.  As John says, ‘They were not of us for if they had been of us they would have remained with us’.

“It’s not about religion—it’s about a personal relationship with Jenny,” Reinke said piously as he craned to get a better look at the back of Wilson’s head a few pews in front of him. “I’m not here to just go through the motions. I really want to get to know her and see what she has for my future,” he added. Reinke further stated he fully intends to ask Wilson to add him to Snapchat, sometime in the next three to four months.

Legion…  Bloody little derelicts.

Oh No, Here Come the ‘Happy Holidays’ Heathen

As Christmas season arrives, Christians across America have begun intense preparations to withstand the vicious attacks they expect to face during the month of December as coworkers, store employees, and even random passerby ruthlessly wish them “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” according to reports.

“It’s brutal,” complains Dave Coleman, who has celebrated Christmas his entire life. “People I don’t know, who may not even believe in Jesus, think they can just insult me in the street by invoking an all-encompassing phrase that acknowledges multiple faith traditions? How is that freedom of religion?”

Bloody pagans.

Pope Franky is Offering Indulgences at Half Off for Cyber Monday!

indulgenceEven though far more Catholics shopped online than in churches on Black Friday weekend, they are apparently not done yet.

A new EOTT survey released Sunday estimates that some 67-million Roman Catholics will shop online for their remission of temporal punishment in purgatory due for sins after absolution on Cyber Monday. That’s up only slightly from last year’s 65-million shoppers.

With Walmart and Amazon recently entering the Cyber Monday indulgence “game,” the Church is now offering heavy discounts as well, not only online but, more crucially, in churches. That move, which reflects how penitents shopped for forgiveness in 2016, is also meant to lower the stress of the Vatican website, which last year buckled under the intense eSpiritual-commerce pressure that naturally comes with Cyber Monday.

The evidence of the migration of “church shopping” to eSpiritual-commerce is incontrovertible: Eternal Fortune Magazine told EOTT on Sunday that eSpiritual-commerce sales between Thanksgiving and Saturday rose 13.7% to top $6.1 billion in new indulgences.

“The brick-and-mortar churches have made a big leap with their online efforts this year,” USCCB analyst Devin Thomas told EOTT yesterday. “They’re starting to get it. The USCCB says 63% of Black Friday indulgences placed on their website came from mobile devices…something we believe shows Catholics are growing more comfortable with pushing the “forgive me” button on smartphones.

Glory!  He really is a Pope for all the uncommitted (and those planning to stay that way!)

The Bee Stings the Christian Post’s Ad Festooning…

Very much like Patheos hosted blogs-

ChristianPost.com, the flagship website of The Christian Post, has finally completed its 12-year transition to a content-free, advertisement-only user experience, William C. Anderson, Publisher and CEO of the Christian news source announced Thursday.

“The completion of this decade-long shift is indicative of The Christian Post‘s commitment to serving up exactly what our customers have come to expect from us: ads, ads, and more ads, without apology, subtlety, or any tact whatsoever,” Anderson explained to reporters.

Yup.

The Bee Stings the Idiocy of the Hollywood ‘Bible’ Movie

Fresh off recent blockbusters such as Noah and Exodus: Gods and Kings, multiple Hollywood studios confirmed Thursday that they are looking forward to creating even more terrible Christian movies featuring wild inaccuracies and an offensive departure from the truth as presented in the Bible.

“We love what we do,” Warner Brothers Vice President Lance Metriculo told reporters. “Take the movie Noah. Originally, we tested a very ‘blah’ movie, without a misanthropic, baby‐hating Noah, drug‐addled Methuselah, or stone golem Nephilim. Boy did we dodge a bullet there, we laughed, after we made all those changes! Then we said, ‘Why don’t we put Noah in a knife fight atop the ark’, and BOOM!—movie magic”.

Told that many Christians found the Noahmovie incomprehensible at best and more often simply stupidly offensive, Metriculo simply laughed. “Don’t you worry,” he said, patting the heads of several reporters from the Christian Post, “We’ll make more of your moving picture Bible stories reaaaal soon, K?”

Likewise, 20th Century Fox executive Judy Sprintz made it clear that her studio was dedicated to putting out more tripe like Exodus: Gods and Kings.

“We really think audience respond well to faith‐based action films,” Sprintz explained. “By ‘faith‐based,’ of course, I mean depicting God as a childish, petty tyrant and Moses as an arrogant jerk leading a guerrilla military revolution instead of a humble messenger of the Lord.”

Asked about charges by Christian critics that such films are often simply B‐grade action movies with a thin pseudo‐biblical veneer applied to them, Sprintz defended her studio’s work.

“Don’t worry, we’re all about getting the right sources in these films.” Sprintz contested. “We have another one coming out soon that uses all sorts of biblical sources like the Gospel of Thomas and The Shack. If you loved The Da Vinci Code—which mentioned Jesus and his family, right?—you’ll love what we have coming up.”

Also the docket for 2016 are the Universal Studios’ movie Balaam, which includes a talking donkey sent back in time to steal a doomsday laser from a rogue Edomite, and I Am Zerubbabel, a United Artists biopic featuring the Jewish leader attempting to build up the ruins of the Temple before a second velociraptor attack. Pixar has also picked up the option for Samuel I Am, in which the prophet Samuel (played by Chris Tucker as an animated pet goldfish) attempts to get the future King Saul of Israel to accept his throne during a hijinks‐filled cross‐country road trip.

On the family side, FOX will team up with Sony Pictures on Purgatory is for Real, which the studio describes as “based on a true story, the heartwarming trip of a six‐year old boy through the magical realms imagined by Dante Alighieri.”

“We’ve got a lot of good stuff coming up,” beamed Sprintz. “Seriously, we’re really looking forward to creating more terrible, terrible Bible movies that have only the faintest basis in Scripture.”

In the history of bible themed movies there’s never, not once, been a good one.

Francis Declares The ‘Year of Mercy’ At an End

Protesters hit the streets today over the closing of the Year of Mercy, marking the second day of demonstrations in cities such as St. Louis, Denver, and San Diego.

In Virginia, a group of Catholics gathered to demonstrate against Francis’ anti-traditionalist rhetoric.

“The main purpose is to tell Pope Francis that he can’t just end the Year of Mercy,” said protester, Augustine Parks. “There are millions of people in the world who still need mercy, and he can’t simply close the door, so to speak, on them. We want sinners to know that we stand in solidarity with them.”

Parks, who is a seminarian in Virginia, told EOTT that those in need of God’s mercy are terrified.

“They’re saying, ‘Is there no grace left for us?’ Sinners don’t know what will happen if they died today. They’re very scared.”

Protesters are also upset about Francis policies on appointing liberal cardinals, the environment in the Church, Traditionalist rights, and other issues. Some have even questioned the legitimacy of Francis’ victory in the last Papal Election, noting that, although he won the College of Cardinals, Sarah won the popular vote.

Yesterday in Rome anti-Francis protesters gathered outside the Vatican where they chanted “not my pope.”

Ghastly…  How dare he