Local Catholic couple Jenny Barkley and David Rondo, who have been cohabiting for two years with no intention of marrying, announced to friends during lunch today that they would have to stick to fish options due to the Lenten fast.
“I grew up super Catholic,” Barkley said. “My mom would kill me if she found out we weren’t observing the Church’s laws on abstinence…from meat.”
Rondo agreed with his girlfriend, but also said that it went beyond being afraid of letting loved ones down.
“You know, Jenny’s right when she talks about not wanting to let our parents and loved ones down, but you know what, I’ll take it a step further. I’d be more disappointed if I let this guy down,” he said thumping his chest with his thumb, before pointing to the sky and saying, “and that guy too.”
Though they don’t have plans to marry anytime soon, the couple do have big plans for the future, including cohabiting in a bigger apartment in a trendier neighborhood. In the meantime, they’ll keep abstaining from meat on Lenten Fridays. After all, it’s “a Catholic thing,” as Jenny reminds her co-workers every Friday during Lent.
There are a lot of Baptists just like this. Except they eat chicken.
And so didst Jesus saith to themeth beforeth he didst ascendeth out of earshot- go into all the world and hand out prom dresses and free gas cards and pizza and party favors for, lo, the Gospel in and of itselfeth is not sufficient and thou mustest bribe them into the Kingdom of God with glitz and glamour.
And behold, the disciples were sore amazed and Peter didst say to Jesus- nuh uh. That ain’t right yo.
And Jesus, as he faded out of sight saidst yeah no kidding but do you think people in 21st century American churches want to hear the Gospel? No, for by then it will be entertainment that they crave and prom dresses and gas cards and pizza. For beholdeth, America is consumedst in that dayeth with materialism and when the Son of Man returns he won’t find faith there.
And the disciples wept and Thomas didst say as Jesus faded out of sight… So we’re really going to sacrifice everything and they’ll sacrifice nothing…. And Peter didst go fishing.
Well said, Bee, well said.
Leadership at the Southern Baptist Convention proudly announced Monday a newly approved congregational prayer: the “Hail Reagan,” an intercessory prayer to be utilized when church members wish to petition the “blessed Saint Ronald Reagan” for grace and mercy.
The full text of the prayer was published on the SBC website and is reproduced below.
Hail Reagan, full of grace.
Our Lord is with you and the GOP.
Blessed are you among presidents,
and blessed are the Reaganomics you espoused.
Holy Reagan, Father of the modern Republican party,
pray for us Baptists,
now and during election season.
According to the SBC press release, the prayer can be assigned as penance for believers who step outside traditional Republican ideals on any issue or otherwise “fail to render to the GOP its proper honor and glory.”
It’s funny because the way some Baptists act it’s true.
Today a spokesman for Logos Bible Software, Marty McSchoen, announced the release of a Klingon Interlinear Study Bible Package.
“Truth be told,” McSchoen told reporters, “this whole story is kind of bizarre. It was not an intentional move on our part at all, actually.”
Pressed for an explanation, McSchoen said that the whole thing started with “some of our code monkeys horsing around in the lunch room. It came out that some of them had spent more time in high school than they ought to have . . . um, learning Klingon. That was kind of a thing in the Seattle area at the time.”
Some of them, running with the joke, reportedly translated and formatted the book of Philemon and put it up on their product page as a kind of obvious spoof. “Nobody,” McSchoen said, “absolutely nobody was expecting the pre-orders we got.”
“So we did a lot of checking. Turns out this is a thing.”
“Anyway, that’s how it all happened.”
Another big surprise were the additional manuscript submissions they received. The most unusual was from a gentleman in Illinois, who offered them the Klingon publishing rights to Matthew Henry’s Unabridged Commentary. “He sent it in to us too,” McSchoen said. “Formatted and everything.”
When making the case that the God of the Bible is a bloodthirsty, vengeful deity, prolific internet atheist Ryan Devi is reportedly still citing “The Book of Revelations” on his website, podcast, and YouTube channel.
“I’ve studied the Bible deeply, from cover to cover, many times,” the popular nonbeliever posited Wednesday in his latest video blog entry. “I know the Bible better than most Christians—believe me. And all it takes is one read through the Book of Revelations to see that the God of the Bible is a monster who, even if he were real, would not merit anyone’s worship.”
“It’s really a trump card,” he continued. “Whenever you come across a Christian saying that their God is loving, challenge them to reconcile that statement with what’s in Revelations. They can’t do it.”
A quick search for “Book of Revelations” returned 241 hits on Devi’s popular blog, according to sources.
HAHAHAHAAHAHA! So true. Soooooo true.
Internet users looking at Jacob Livingstone’s Twitter profile—which features a professional photo of him laid over a background gradient, along with a cover photo depicting a large city at night—might be led to believe the man is an important figure in modern culture, but recent research seems to suggest his bold claims about himself are at least partial fabrications.
His profile reads, “Thought Leader. Philanthropist. Theologian. Fierce Culture Warrior. Brand Manager. Sojourner.”—titles which are allegedly inaccurate to describe the 34-year-old sales associate’s rather average existence.
Reporters caught up with Livingstone Wednesday to grill him on the alleged discrepancy between his lofty titles for himself and his actual, ordinary life. “I may have gone a little overboard, sure. Lots of people do it,” he said.
When pressed, Livingstone reportedly admitted that by “thought leader” and “fierce culture warrior” referred to his wordpress.com blog, Livingstone Livingstrong, where he opines on various subjects roughly once every other month.
Similarly, Livingstone begrudgingly confessed that his important-sounding “brand manager” title was in fact a reference to his blog as well, which reportedly features a tab describing the fact that he is available for speaking engagements, despite never having given a speech in his life.
At publishing time, Livingstone was adding “Speaker” to his Twitter bio.
LOL. It’s funny because it’s so true. Right Rachel Held Evans? “Doubt-filled believer, author of Searching for Sunday, A Year of Biblical Womanhood, Faith Unraveled.”
Sources from St. Peter’s Episcopal Church confirmed Wednesday that progressive Reverend Laura Frier rubbed ashes in the form of a question mark on every parishioner’s forehead, in lieu of the traditional sign of the cross.
“We just really don’t know, you know?” the Reverend said. “We knew we couldn’t go with a cross—far too offensive, really. We felt the question mark was much more open and inclusive than putting the horrifying symbol of a Roman execution device on everyone.”
“That’s what the gospel’s all about, I think? I just don’t really know,” she added.
As parishioners lined up to receive the traditional mark of ashes at the front of the church, Frier solemnly marked them with the sacred question mark symbol while speaking the words of blessing, “Question everything,” over each person.
At publishing time, reports indicated that other progressive ministers had spelled words like “RESIST” and “REALLY?” using the blessed ashes from the Western Christian tradition.
Yup. Pretty much.
Stating he was shocked at the Lord’s “ignorant” approach to attractional church growth, self-described church growth expert Mark A. Sloniker was reportedly cringing the entire time he read through several of Christ’s popular sermons in the gospels Tuesday.
“‘The flesh counts for nothing?’ ‘No one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him?’ Oh, come on, Jesus, you know better than that,” Sloniker reportedly muttered to himself as he read through the sixth chapter of the Gospel of John. Sure enough, the church leadership guru’s fears were confirmed, as the text then stated that many of Jesus’ disciples no longer followed him.
“He had such a good thing going with the feeding of the five thousand—why’d He have to blow it? Why not just seal the deal with an extreme men’s ministry event, or a big Easter giveaway?” an exasperated Sloniker added.
Flipping through other stories in the inspired accounts of Jesus’ life, Sloniker continued to wince and cringe as he read the narratives of Jesus “going ballistic on potential future church members” in the temple, turning away seekers who came asking how they could join Him, and constantly preaching on the reality of hell and eternal punishment.
“If only the Savior were as enlightened about church growth as we are, He could have had an honest-to-goodness megachurch,” Sloniker lamented.
The Bee has been hanging around SBC convention conventicles led by ‘church growth experts’ more than enough it seems.
Because none would win.
At the upcoming 89th Academy Awards ceremony Sunday night, the Oscar award for “Most Tolerable Christian Movie” will be handed out for the first time, sources confirmed.
Academy members reportedly sat through hours of grueling Christian films in an effort to select the one that was the least offensive in terms of quality, production value, writing, and acting.
“It was a very competitive year. There were several Christian movies that were just barely passable,” a source at the Academy revealed. “But we had to narrow it down to just the top few with plot, dialogue, and pacing that completely shattered the bounds of what is bearable cinema.”
“I can’t reveal the winner just yet, but we think we’ve selected a very deserving film that most of us were just barely able to sit through,” the source added
According to various other anonymous Academy members, God’s Not Dead 2 is an early favorite to become the first honoree in the prestigious category.
The utterly intolerables far outnumber the barely tolerable.
Local man Henry Harder has guaranteed himself a spot in Heaven after successfully attending those really boring Sunday evening church services for twenty years straight.
“I’ve made it! I’ve finally made it!” shouted Harder as he galloped through the East Leamington MBCM foyer. “Two decades of sitting through evening services and watching Mrs. Peters pick cottage cheese out of her false teeth during faspa has finally paid off!”
Harder viewed evening services as a sort of penance and feels that he had more than enough torture to warrant a spot in glory.
“I sat there. I listened to the boring songs and boring sermons when I’d rather be watching W5,” said Harder. “Now I get to spend eternity singing those same songs and listening to those same sermons. It’s going to be great!”
The MBCM Conference has yet to confirm his position in Heaven, and suggests that people can earn their spot by tithing regularly and refraining from swearing.
“Attending boring evening services is just one way to get into Heaven,” said MBCM Conference Pastor Dave Schellenberg. “Other options include singing in an all-male quartet, lifelong abstinence, and spending thirty or more years on the mission field.”
Harder is already considering eating really unhealthy and taking unnecessary risks to hasten the day.
As few people do attend evening worship, those who do probably should earn special merit for it.
White House sources reported that President Trump carved out a half hour Thursday morning to browse his most-trusted news source, Infowars.com, in order to get a bead on domestic and international affairs before a full day of activity.
“Look at this—just look at this. Alex leaked the globalists’ darkest secrets in a Reddit AMA yesterday. Tremendous,” the President reportedly said to a nearby Secret Service agent. “Ooh, look here, Non-Hero McCain took a secret trip to Syria to help fuel the rise of ISIS. Sad! I’ll have to bring that up in my press conference later.”
Asked by the agent if he understood that Infowars is not considered an actual news source, the Commander in Chief scoffed, “You probably think bin Laden brought down the twin towers, and Sandy Hook actually happened, too. Smarten up!”
“Let me just tell you, Infowars is tremendous. I get the real news here every morning so I can go out and debunk all the fake news coming from every other news source.” “You’re fired,” he added.
At publishing time, sources confirmed that President Trump decided to offer Alex Jones the newly created office of Fake News Czar.
This one is truer than any of us want to admit.
So it’s going to be one of those days, is it…
There was an unusual candlelight memorial Wednesday night in front of a slaughterhouse in Queens. They’re remembering the bull who escaped certain death Tuesday and took over the streets. Cops couldn’t exactly get him to heel so they shot him with tranquilizers and he died.
The people at the vigil wonder if the bull could have been saved. “No one deserves cruelty, abuse, torture or murder,” a protester said. The turnout was strong. “We’re here fighting for our brother,” another protester said. The mood was grim.
Oh my. The foolishness… It burns.
Anyone with a brain knows that ‘god’ doesn’t exist. Science proves it. Pure reason and logic prove it. Neil Degrasse Tyson even said so on the Cosmos reboot.
And that’s why I have devoted my life to one purpose and one purpose only: absolutely destroying him.
Though he isn’t real, he consumes my every waking moment. My every breath is given to this one great cause. I eat, work, play, and live for the noble aim, to end this imaginary god’s made-up existence.
Even when I go to sleep, I dream of standing over this imaginary god and raising a fist of triumph, secure in the knowledge that I have vanquished a god who does not exist.
Some atheists and agnostics are content to simply go about their lives, respecting others’ beliefs, even if they disagree with them. But not I. No, sir. I cannot stay silent while others believe in a god of man’s own invention.
God, if you’re out there somewhere (and I know you’re not), sleep with one eye open—I’m coming for you.
Pretty much sums it up. If they really didn’t believe God existed they wouldn’t spend their lives trying to prove it. Indeed, one has to be a bit insane to rail against someone one doesn’t believe exists. Sort of like spewing venom at unicorns…
But, to be fair to the silly angry atheists, the ‘god’ they’ve constructed in their feeble minds does not exist. But the God of Scripture, theology, and history does. And him they hate.
According to sources close to author and speaker Rob Bell, the ex-pastor has finally denied the last remaining doctrine of the Christian faith he had not already mounted an all-out assault against.
Bell had been scraping the bottom of the barrel of doctrines to disown for months, according to sources, before denying the final one at long last Tuesday morning while waxing his surfboard near the Huntington Beach pier.
“Welp, I guess that about covers ’em. I can’t believe I ran through all of them already. What am I supposed to do with all this free time now?” Bell reportedly said to his surfing buddy right after posting a Tweet denying the resurrection of Christ using his smartphone. “End of an era, that’s for sure.”
“I mean, I’ll have more time for surfing and chillin’ with Oprah, I suppose, so that’s a bonus,” Bell added as he finished strapping his surfboard’s leash onto his ankle.
At publishing time, Bell had confirmed his conversion to Islam, so he’d have a whole new set of beliefs to eventually deny.
Seriously. Few in the history of Christianity have been so bereft of Christ whilst maintaining they were ‘Christians’.
Hotel chain to replace Gideon Bibles with Dawkins’ ‘God Delusion’
According to a recently-leaked company memo, all 200+ locations of mid-range hotel chain StayzInn, will be removing their Gideon Bibles at the end of the month and will replace them with copies of Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion.
“People have come to expect a lot from us: a friendly smile, clean towels, and one of those little machines where you can just pour in the batter and out comes three perfectly formed pancakes,” said the memo. “Now, they can also enjoy a few chapters of dogmatic atheism just before they hit the hay.”
The memo said that company employees could take home any un-needed Bibles they want, so long as just “skip to the good parts.”
“You can believe whatever you want as an employee of StayzInn, provided that you believe in a material universe of nothing more than stained bed sheets and moldy shower curtains,” said the memo.
The hard-cover editions of The God Delusion are gold-embossed and have been lovingly donated in the memory of the late Christopher Hitchens. The special edition book feature Richard Dawkins’ words in red, which is every single word, and come attached with lovely ribbon bookmarks to keep track of just where in the ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster’ analogy you left off.
The memo also directed hotel managers to lock out any television program other than any stuff Neil deGrasse Tyson is in.
With appreciation to the BBC for putting it together, along with others not here included:
A new online wedding registry will allow same-sex couples to choose which Christian florist they plan to sue and permanently put out of business as they celebrate their union.
Because, let’s face it, what’s your ‘big day’ about besides forcing people you don’t know to provide services for you they don’t want to?
The registry, called ASSIMIL8, provides gay couples with a list of business owners whose privately held personal beliefs may reflect traditional Christian views on marriage. The excited fiancés can then pick whose lives they want to totally destroy with a lengthy and frivolous lawsuit, as they anticipate their cheerful nuptials.
In lieu of wedding gifts, friends and family can participate in the joyful celebration by contributing to the expensive legal fees required to completely trash a random stranger’s life and force them into bankruptcy.
“We can think of no better way to start our new life together then to utterly ruin the livelihood of a local businessperson based on their religious beliefs,” said one happy couple. “It’s a perfect way to honor the love and acceptance represented by marriage.”
Once the couple has selected the target business they wish to annihilate, the website then offers a much longer list of convenient florists who are more than happy to service their ceremony.
According to an ASSIMIL8 spokesperson, they are expanding their registry to include Christian bakers this summer.
Clergy will be added next year.
That’s a gift right there. Human wisdom didn’t reveal that to her……..