Category Archives: misery

Aww, The Precious Snowflakes Need their Binkies…

For the vast majority of Americans, November 9 only differed from the week preceding it in the lack of political ads permeating their media. For many, it was a welcome end to months upon months of hateful rhetoric and horrible slanders.

On many college campuses, however, it wasn’t the end of the campaign, but the beginning of Armaggedon or something.

At Yale University, supposedly one of the most elite institutions of higher learning in the country, an anonymous professor has decided to let students skip their midterms:

“I am getting many heartfelt notes from students who are in shock over the election returns,” the professor wrote in an email to his students, according to Yale Daily News Managing Editor Jon Victor tweeted.“The ones I find most upsetting are those who fear, rightly or wrongly, for their own families. These students are requesting that the exam be postponed. On the other hand, I am sure that many students have sacrificed to prepare for the test …Therefore, I am making the exam optional.”

The professor told the class he would “calculate each student’s grade both with and without” the exam.

Remember when asking a professor to postpone an exam for anything short of a natural disaster was grounds to be laughed at? Ah, good times. Good times.

However, that professor’s decision was far from being the silliest example:

At Tufts University, arts and crafts were on offer. And the University of Kansas reminded students via social media of the therapy dogs available for comfort every other Wednesday.Colleges nationwide scrambled to help students process Republican Donald Trump’s stunning election victory. They’re acknowledging that many students were up late watching results and so may not be at their sharpest in early-morning lectures. More so, they’re responding to a widespread sense of shock and despair on campuses to the victory of a candidate who offended Mexicans, Gold Star mothers, Muslims and the disabled during the course of the campaign.

[…]

“People are frustrated, people are just really sad and shocked,” said Trey Boynton, the director of multi-ethnic student affairs at the University of Michigan. “A lot of people are feeling like there has been a loss. We talked about grief today and about the loss of hope that this election would solidify the progress that was being made.”

There was a steady flow of students entering Ms. Boynton’s office Wednesday. They spent the day sprawled around the center, playing with Play-Doh and coloring in coloring books, as they sought comfort and distraction.

Grow up, you infantile pseudo-adults.

The Bee Stings the Idiocy of ‘Worship Moanings’

The Rising Church music school has raised up hundreds of worship leaders and musicians, but the institution is reportedly kicking things up a notch with a new course load designed to help vocalists belt out nonsensical ad libs in between a song’s actual lyrics.

According to Troy French, the school’s director, the classes were added after churches reported a great need for worship leaders to hum, wail, and mumble various melodic sounds, words, and phrases during musical interludes.

“What we were finding is that many worship leaders just sang the songs as printed on the music sheets,” French told reporters at a worship summit. “Not a single random ‘Oh thank you Jesus’ or ‘Yes Lord, oh yes my sweet Jesus’ during a musical crescendo or anything.”

“But we’re addressing this grave problem with a barrage of instructional courses meant to teach worship leaders the art of perfectly ad-libbing arbitrary lyrics throughout a song, for the edification of the believers.”

French further stated that the new courses will address common questions about ad-libbing like “How much is too much?”, “How can I get that super spiritual look while ad-libbling?” and “How can I keep the congregation on their toes?”

“We expect God to do great things as our worship leaders and backup vocalists alike ad lib erratically throughout their worship songs.”

#HymnsAreBetterThanWorshipSongs

2016 Isn’t Over Yet… There’s Still More That Can Happen…

Still digesting the fact that Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States in just the latest of a seemingly endless string of inexplicable and bizarre events to have taken place this year, human beings across the planet report that they are “keeping one eye on the heavens,” nervously wondering what God has in store for the rest of 2016.

“Brexit. Harambe. Pokémon GO. The Cubs won the World Series. Donald Trump became president-elect. What could possibly be next?” one visibly uneasy man from Chicago told reporters. “Do we really still have a month and a half of 2016 to go?”

His alarm was shared by people across the globe, sources confirmed.

“I know his ways are higher than our ways, but I’ll be honest—I’m praying for a break in the action,” one woman from the UK said. “Now, if anyone needs me, I’ll be at home repenting and snuggling my Bible.”

An elderly gentleman from Australia echoed the sentiment, saying “God has really thrown us some curveballs this year. And things keep getting crazier and crazier by the month,” adding that he plans on spending the weekend “getting his affairs in order,” preparing for Christ’s imminent return before December 31st.

Yup.  What’s next?

A ‘How to’ Guide for the Publicity Hungry ‘Christian’

These days there’s nothing easier for the publicity questing news hungry than getting your name plastered all over Religion News Service (@RNS).

  • Deny any vestige of orthodox Christian faith.  That means be pro marriage equality, anti conservative values, and anti biblical literacy.
  • Replace the Bible with ‘your view’.  Scripture will just cause you problems, so it’s best if you ignore it.  But if you must discuss it, eisegete, eisegete, eisegete.
  • Be anything but a theologian.  RNS dislikes actual theologians and you will hardly ever see one cited or discussed.  Instead, your profession of choice must be ‘journalist’ or ‘Christian author’.  ESPECIALLY if you’re of the female persuasion.  You’re a shoe in if you are anything but a white male theological type.  The less theological training you actually have, the better!  Hells bells, if you’ve never read a page of theology, you’re king of the land, king of the blind, leader in the land of the blind!

That’s it.  Those three steps will ensure that, as soon as you tweet or write, RNS will pick it up and spew it across their pages and social media.

Idolatrous Blasphemy

Trump is no ‘god’ and he can’t save you or himself or so much as a tick, you idolatrous blasphemous fools.

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Because If You’re Going to Have Insane Committees, Why Not…

Right Michigan?  I sure hope you guys (oops, sorry- you creatures) have enough safe spaces and trigger warnings to house all the precious snowflakes demanding their way…

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Shameful Partisan Pastors

Pastors have no business endorsing any politician.  They also have no business pretending that their particular candidate has anything remotely messianic about himself or herself.  And they certainly have no business suggesting that a serial adulterer and con man is God’s personal choice.

How would they know such a thing if it were even true?  They wouldn’t.  And they don’t.  But like Jerry Falwell Jr and Eric Metaxas, they will say and do anything they have to in order to cozy up to worldly power.

New Spirit Revival Center church pastor Rev. Darrell Scott declared Wednesday that there is a “concentrated satanic attack” being waged against Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, who is believed by some evangelicals to be God’s choice for president.

Speaking at the Midwest Vision and Values Pastors Leadership Conference held at his church in Cleveland, Scott who is CEO of the National Diversity Coalition for Trump, revealed at the event that a “nationally known” preacher had warned Trump prior to the launch of his presidential campaign “that if you choose to run for president, there’s going to be a concentrated Satanic attack against you.”

“He said there’s going to be a demon, principalities and powers, that are going to war against you on a level that you’ve never seen before and I’m watching it every day,” Scott said.

These Pentebabbleists don’t speak for God. I doubt they even know God.  They certainly don’t speak for Christians and no one in the media, or society, should be so confused as to think they do.