Where in the World is Chris Tilling Now?

Oh Chris…  Banned from Burger King…   You’re so horrible.

A man who was trying to buy lunch at a Burger King called 911 and refused to leave the drive-thru lane after the worker refused to honor his coupon.  The 73-year-old customer was reportedly trying to pay for his order with a buy-one-get-one-free Whopper coupon Thursday, according to WJW.   The man told 911 the worker had taken his coupons but wouldn’t give him the free Whopper as stated on the coupon.  According to a police report, “he received the coupons in Texas and was advised that they are no good in Ohio. He was also advised he is not allowed to return to this Burger King.”

Oh Chris….  You’re making Britain look Bad Again.

With AAR / SBL 2018 Approaching it’s Time to Get Your Uniform Purchased

As the annual meeting becomes ever more casual the powers that be at SBL and AAR have chosen this year’s uniform.  Behold:

Sandals, drawstring cotton skorts, and white t-shirts will be required for all presenters and attendees- male and female (and all shades of self identification in between).  If the uniform requirement is ignored, sanctions will be enacted against the offender.  Trimmed toenails are optional.*

*Go ahead, report me Tom, I DON’T CARE (ya humorless glurp).

Signs of the Times

Look, now Churches are offering hair washing services to get folk in…

Not only is it odd that they wash hair, but that they dress so formally to do it and add in an audience to boot…   Weird.

The Five Top Reasons to Home School Your Kids

Homeschooling can be a controversial topic among Christians, but it shouldn’t be. It’s the only choice for real believers. In addition to the obvious reasons like better test scores, family values, and the ability to ensure your children never, ever encounter a secular worldview before they turn 18, homeschooling gives you a lot of street cred with the other parents in your hood.

While there are 10,000 reasons for your heart to find to praise homeschooling, we’ve narrowed them down to just the top 5:

1.) The earth can be whatever age you say it is. 6,000 years? Sure, go for it. 4 billion and some change? Knock yourself out. You could even tell your kids the earth is a virtual simulation implanted in our minds by machines that enslaved us after a war for control of the earth’s resources, if you want to.

2.) Your kids can graduate early, like before they hit puberty or before they even get out of the womb. While late-blooming homeschool kids might graduate high school when they’re 13, the average homeschooler graduates well before puberty. A few outliers have even graduated before they were officially born. Now that’s something you can brag about.

3.) You can teach your children important life skills like math, science, Latin, Sindarin, and looking down on everyone who doesn’t homeschool. While those public school kids are still learning how to tie their shoes, you can jump-start your children’s knowledge of extremely useful subjects, fictional languages, and the all-important life skill of sneering at people who went to public school. Don’t worry, they won’t pick up on your condescending attitude any more than they know how to do basic algebra.

4.) You’ll get to feel the raw, unadulterated power of being able to shape the minds of future generations coursing through your veins like holy fire. It’s a high unlike any other, and it’s not just for public school teachers anymore. The power coursing through your veins will quickly become addicting.

5.) God will love you more. This is probably the best reason: God will simply love you more if you homeschool. Favor from the Most High usually isn’t easy to obtain by our own efforts, but with homeschooling, it is!

Thank you, Babylon Bee.

Church Kicks Off Fun-Filled ‘Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God’ Themed VBS

While many churches choose a pre-made VBS theme with fun, colorful characters and a cartoonish setting, Church of the Desert Hills today launched its own proprietary Vacation Bible School, dubbed “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”


The exciting event promises to be filled with fun crafts, interactive games, and daily skits in which characters reenact fiery metaphors and illustrations from Edwards’ weighty, sobering sermon from the Great Awakening.

Many of the crafts, games, and activities will involve fire, according to the church’s pastor.

“We’ve got a fun one lined up for tomorrow, called ‘The Loathsome Spider,’” he said. “The kids will swing over a pit of hot coals on a rope, trying not to fall and get burned! Classic.” The pastor stated that fire-themed crafts and illustrations help the kids remember the lessons from Edwards’ sermon and life, “especially when they get burned.”

“Pretty much anything that involves fire, we’ve got it!” he added.

In the event’s exciting finale, the kids will gather to hear a Jonathan Edwards impersonator reenact the famed sermon.

According to the pastor, next year, the church is considering an exciting Spanish Inquisition theme.


If You Hear ‘Laurel’ You Are Predestined to Eternal Destruction

I think this is probably true:

After the internet became deeply divided over an audio clip that sounds as though it says either “Yanny” or “Laurel” depending on the listener, one Calvinist commentator came forward to declare that only the elect can hear “Yanny” in the clip, and that those who can only hear “Laurel” are vessels of wrath, set aside for destruction.

“God has chosen from eternity past those whom He would regenerate to have the ears to hear ‘Yanny’ in this clip,” the amateur Calvinist theologian, Mark Lynel, wrote on his Facebook page. “The rest are reprobates, consigned to destruction for their willful rejection of the obvious meaning of the clip.” Lynel went on to state that the Lord has “made plainly obvious” the nature and character of the clip, but that because of man’s sin, he suppresses the true interpretation through his unrighteousness.

When Lynel learned of certain people who could hear both names pronounced clearly within the clip, he rejected the idea sternly. “Surely, there are many among us who are not of us. There are always those who say ‘Lord, Lord’ and do miracles in His name, but the Lord will separate the Laurels from the Yannys on the last day.”

Oh, and the dress is BLUE!

This New Generation of ‘Reformed’ Kids Are So Lazy…

According to sources at the Johnson household, the Reformed family’s pathetic newborn Beverly couldn’t answer a single question out of the Westminster Shorter Catechism during family worship Wednesday evening.

The family patriarch began posing questions from the teaching tool to each of his nine children, and was reportedly “deeply disappointed” when the youngest of the bunch was unable to answer “even the easy questions.” The “total spiritual failure” was even baptized already, but still failed to answer a single question correctly.

“What is the chief end of man?” Mr. Johnson reportedly asked, to which little Beverly merely made a cooing sound. “That’s OK, we don’t always get it on the first try. Bev, what is the chief end of man? I’ll only ask you once more.” The newborn tilted her head and began to drool, causing Johnson to furrow his brow and shake his head. “WHAT IS THE CHIEF END OF MAN?”

“Do you think there’s something wrong with her? Maybe… maybe she’s not elect,” Johnson’s wife Hannah whispered to him as the man continued to grill the infant on various questions from the popular 17th century catechism.

At publishing time, the family reported that the two-month-old had shown her true colors as a vessel for wrath by obstinately refusing to sing along with the family’s a cappella rendition of Psalm 59.

Poor little kid.  Clearly predestined for destruction….

The Complainer

Via Ralph Keen-

Thanks to Rabbi Blum at Columbia for this one:

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He’s allowed to say just two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They again summon him and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.

Another seven years pass and they bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says.

“That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”