Republicans Love the Bible, Except the Parts That Describe Christian Practice

Via The Bee- 

MOBILE, AL—According to sources close to local Christian man Evan Patterson, the believer was “deeply troubled” by his morning devotional time in the Book of Acts after reading about how much the members of the early church shared with one another.

Patterson was reportedly “confused and a little offended” by how often the book of Acts seemed to suggest that believers share their material possessions with one another, “like some kind of weird hippie commune.”

“They were all together and had everything in common? They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had in need? Hoo boy—I’m just not sure that kind of radical sharing is a biblical concept,” he muttered as he frantically flipped through the rest of the book to see if the early church was condemned for its “socialist leanings.”

“Surely there’s something in here about setting boundaries for yourself and living a mostly self-centered life of material acquisition, with the occasional donation to a church or charity to assuage one’s guilt,” he added as he continued searching the New Testament for something that supported living a materialistic lifestyle. “Any second now, I’ll find something.”

At publishing time, Patterson had reported he would simply be removing Acts from his Bible altogether.