In Which The Onion Burns Like It Has Hardly Ever Burned Before

IDF Soldier Recounts Harrowing, Heroic War Story Of Killing 8-Month-Old Child

Now that’s a proper burn.

Describing the terrifying yet valiant experience to his fellow battalion members, Israel Defense Forces soldier Yossi Saadon recounted Tuesday his harrowing, heroic war story of killing an 8-month-old Palestinian child during a violent attack against protesters. “It was a heart-pounding experience—there was smoke and gunfire all around me, and I made a split-second decision to hurl that canister of tear gas at the encroaching infant cradled in her father’s arms,” said Saadon to the group of awed soldiers, describing the chills that went up and down his spine as he realized that all he had was his M16 assault rifle and some tear gas to defend himself against the unarmed Palestinian family standing only dozens of yards away. “I could see the whites of the baby’s eyes and hear her terrifying cries, and I knew it was either her or me. And this wasn’t some newborn infant, you know? This was a baby who could probably sit up independently. I was scared, but I acted quickly to throw that tear gas at her and her older sister. And who knows how many lives I saved when I shot the women trying to help her?” At press time, Saadon’s battalion commander informed him that he was submitting his name for the Medal of Valor, the IDF’s highest honor.


7 thoughts on “In Which The Onion Burns Like It Has Hardly Ever Burned Before

  1. R. Shillaci 16 May 2018 at 6:33 pm

    TheOnion used to be the Gold Standard for fake news. Sadly, FOX has blown right by them.


  2. Matthew Hamilton 17 May 2018 at 6:09 am

    Just in an hour ago on the website of a left leaning generally pro-Palestinian newspaper, with the source cited as Associated Press: “Israeli fire killed nearly 60 Palestinians on Monday during a protest along the Gaza border. A senior Hamas official said 50 of those killed were members of the militant group.” Based on this reporting the majority killed were militants and the minority killed were non militants. Not discussed in a range of sources is why non-militants including children were present at violent protests – they could always have protested at more suitable locations away from the militants

    Looking at a range of sources – mostly left leaning and pro-Palestinian so not biased towards the IDF – it appears the child was taken to a violent protest by a family member. Unless you have specific information that the child held by an adult in the crowd at a violent protest was targeted by a member of the IDF then it is probable that the child was – in basic even if not very nice terms – “collateral damage” of a violent conflict between a Hamas led and inspired crowd and the IDF

    To repeat the Onion’s reporting is nothing less than repeating a slander – which as Christian minister should be seen as beneath you

    Naturally you will either delete this reply or come back with some smug reply – your blog so your right – but this will not delete your guilt


    • Jim 17 May 2018 at 6:21 am

      apparently you aren’t aware that the onion is a SATIRE SITE. but go ahead, defend israelis murdering children. i’m sure that’s expected in ‘whatever israel does is fine’ world.


  3. Matthew Hamilton 17 May 2018 at 10:43 am

    The Onion falsely accusing a people of murder is not satire, that is bearing false witness.
    If your don’t know the difference I wonder why you are in a pulpit


    • Jim 17 May 2018 at 1:57 pm

      you say some remarkably stupid things sometimes


  4. Matthew Hamilton 29 May 2018 at 10:47 am

    “Gaza Health Ministry said it has removed late last week an eight-month-old baby from a list of people killed by Israeli troops while authorities investigate to determine the cause of death.”

    I suppose the Gaza Health Ministry also says “remarkably stupid things”.

    Like I said before – I wonder why you are in a pulpit.


    • Jim 29 May 2018 at 10:49 am

      like i said before, who cares what you think. about anything? no one makes you come here. why don’t you trundle off to your pro trump neo nazi meeting where you and your friends can pretend to be christians whilst being not so secret racists.


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