The Stronger the Coffee, the Better the Theology

A recent LifeWay Research Center study found an “undeniable” connection between the strength of a church’s foyer coffee and the soundness of its theology, a report by the organization revealed Monday.

“Those churches that had coffee rated as ‘weak’ or ‘very weak’ suffered from much more watered-down, biblically feeble sermons than those that had bold coffee available in the foyer,” the report read in part. “Churches with strong, full-bodied coffee were found to boast much more solid, well-rounded theology from the pulpit.”

According to the report, the strong correlation between the two variables suggests some kind of causation. Further, the study suggested that churches that served tea or hot cocoa in place of fresh coffee suffered from more aberrant theology than even the congregations being given watered-down cups of joe.

Churches that didn’t serve coffee at all were not included in the study, as they were assumed to be either apostate, or entirely non-Christian in the first place, according to LifeWay.

Ever since Stetzer left, Lifeway has been doing really important work.  Doing, really, stuff that actually matters (unlike when he was there and it was all Stetzer and Platt promotion).

One thought on “The Stronger the Coffee, the Better the Theology

  1. Gustavo Adolpho Souteras Barbosa 27 Feb 2018 at 6:05 am

    That explains why mormons don’t drink coffee…

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