Our Nation is Truly United Now

According to results from a Monmouth University poll released Friday, Americans have finally put their differences aside and united around a common cause: their utter hatred of the New England Patriots NFL football team.

Pollsters asked over 30,000 randomly selected people how they felt about the highly successful organization, which will return again to the Super Bowl this weekend. In a stunningly unified response, 97.8% of those surveyed answered with “hate them,” “hate them very much”, or “loathe those cheaters to the core of my earthly being.”

“In these times of sharp division within our nation, it’s comforting to know we can all agree on something,” a spokesperson told reporters. “The most significant irritants cited by respondents were New England’s consistent record of success, their ability to overcome injuries and scandals, and their insufferable fan base.”

“America loves to hate the Patriots,” he added.

Because the Patriots are evil.  So anyway, we’re finally united.