“[My prophets] said,`Repent now everyone of his evil way and his evil doings, and dwell in the land that the LORD has given to you and your fathers forever and ever. `Do not go after other gods to serve them and worship them, and do not provoke Me to anger with the works of your hands; and I will not harm you.’ “Yet you have not listened to Me,” says the LORD, “that you might provoke Me to anger with the works of your hands to your own hurt. (Jer. 25:5-7)
Daily Archives: 13 Jan 2018
In a move to modify and improve the message of the gospels to conform to a modern conservative agenda, the Republican Party published a revised version of the Beatitudes on its website Friday morning.
While the Sermon on the Mount has continually challenged Christians to examine their worldview and become more Christlike as they meditate on the words of the Savior, the new and improved translation of Jesus’ famous words in Matthew 5 now fits in perfectly with the worldview of the GOP.
“You no longer have to read Matthew 5 and be really uncomfortable with some of Jesus’s rhetoric,” a GOP spokesperson said Friday.
The full translation, to be inserted into Republicans’ copies of the Scriptures everywhere, is below:
Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down, placing his modified AR-15 assault rifle on a rock nearby. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them.
Blessed are the corporations, for they shall receive corporate welfare at the expense of the taxpayers.
Blessed are those who are triggered over the slightest criticism of President Trump, for they shall be comforted by Fox News.
Blessed are the millennials, for they shall inherit our massive national debt.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for political power, for theirs is the White House.
Blessed are the immigrants from white countries, for they shall receive citizenship.
Blessed are the warmongers, for theirs is the oil and arms sales.
Blessed are the NRA members in good standing, for they shall spot an active shooter and take him down with their concealed Desert Eagle.
Blessed are those who stand for the national anthem, for the NFL’s ratings shall plummet before them.
Blessed are those who are persecuted by Walmart greeters saying Happy Holidays, for their boycott shall be profitable. Rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
The Republican National Committee has made the new, more palatable version of the Beatitudes in a handy printable format on its website, so that GOP members can download, print, and paste the much-needed revision right over the current edition in their Bibles.
The move was instantly praised by conservative evangelicals all over the country, who expressed enthusiasm at the concept of revising parts of the Bible that don’t seem to explicitly support the full platform of the Republican party.
Because, as the GOP learned from the Emergents, if you don’t like Scripture, change it.
A new social media challenge is concerning health experts.
The challenge is encouraging teens to put laundry pods into their mouths. Some teens have bit the pods in videos shared online.
Consuming laundry pods can burn your mouth, lips, breathing tube and more. It can also cause damage to the central nervous system.
The American Association of Poison Control Centers says families should talk to their teens about the risks.
Kids…. so dim.
It seems, honestly, like we flew from Chicago to Sweden and back over Canada to Alaska to Northern China to Hong Kong. I don’t remember the flight being that long last time. I must have watched 7 movies…. So naturally I’m totally worn out but very very glad to be here and very glad for the chance to be with these great students and wonderful faculty.
Tomorrow (Sunday) I’ll spend getting oriented to the local time. Then Monday the fun kicks off. And, by the by, pay no mention to the time stamp. We’re 13 hours ahead of Eastern time, US here. So what looks like it was posted at 8:50 in the morning was actually posted at 9:50. Etc.
Here are some pics of my suite at the school. More anon.
Oh, and as an aside, you Historical Jesus people need to pick up your game. Repeating the same pre 19th century arguments and ideologically driven interpretations just don’t cut it. Read some Bultmann.