Zwinglius Redivivus

Nihil salvum esse potest, donec rabies. – John Calvin

10 Potential 2020 Presidential Candidates

Well, it looks like putting Trump in the White House has opened the floodgates. With celebrities from Oprah to The Rock hinting at a presidential run, the 2020 race is shaping up to be a real hoot and a half.

We sent our reporters out to do reportery, investigationy stuff on who might be running in 2020, and here is what they drummed up. Follow these 10 celebrities’ careers closely—one of them just might end up in the White House!

Jerry Springer – Talk show hosts are all throwing their hats in the ring for the upcoming race—first with Oprah testing the waters, now, Jerry Springer. Springer represents controversy, trashiness, drama, and ugly domestic disputes—pretty much everything the nation already stands for! Springer should make a strong showing at the polls.

The Hanson brothers – The number one qualification the nation looks for in a president is a hit song released in the late ‘90s. Zac, Taylor, and Isaac have you covered there, with “MMMBop” topping the charts in 1997. With a strong showing in the indie music scene in the years since Middle of Nowhere, we expect the three Hanson brothers to announce their collective run any day now.

Mr. Peanut – What does the Oval Office need after a Trump presidency? Why, it needs some class of course, and who better to lend an air of sophistication than top-hat-wearing, anthropomorphic peanut Mr. Peanut? Peanut is currently putting the feelers out there for a 2020 run, according to sources close to the brand mascot.

Conor McGregor – The best training ground for running the world’s most prominent superpower is the octagon. Conor McGregor has been feeling out the possibility of a run, saying he’d “quite fancy a stay in that big White House for a tick.” Reminded that he is not a U.S. citizen, McGregor stated, “I’ll [expletive] kill ya, ya [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] boy.”

Beast Boy from Teen Titans Go! – Straightforward, persuasive, and in touch with the nation’s youth, everyone’s favorite green hero Beast Boy could make a splash in the 2020 election. Sources report that he has already cooked up a catchy campaign slogan: “I wants to be the president, yo!”

The nation’s collective sense of existential dread – This one’s comin’ in hot! The smart money for the 2020 race is the nation’s collective sense of existential dread, which is sure to sweep everyone up in a wave of populism and kick Trump out of the White House.

Ronald Reagan – A nation of disillusioned Republicans is looking for a candidate who represents the conservative policies the party allegedly stands for. Who better than the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan, resurrected by dark magic developed by the CIA under the Bush administration? He has our vote, Iran-Contra scandal or no!

Joel Osteen – We’re not 100% sure Osteen’s going to run as a presidential candidate, but it’s a sure bet he’ll be the VP candidate on Oprah Winfrey’s ticket. With both Winfrey and Osteen espousing positive thinking, the law of attraction, and a relativistic, inclusivist view of God, they’re the perfect match for each other.

Admiral Adama from Battlestar Galactica – The nation needs a strong leader in these tumultuous times on the world stage. The world needs Bill Adama. Say it with us: so say we all!

That old lady Mrs. Morgan who ranted about killing drummers on that weird filler track on Jesus Freak – Mrs. Morgan showed she was strong and intimidating, and that she wouldn’t take no crap from anybody when she famously declared, “If he hits the drum one more time, he’s gonna be a dead drummer!” Who better to put hostile foreign powers in their place than Mrs. Morgan?

There you have it!

Which one are you voting for? Who did we forget? Be sure to let us know in the comments section of another website.

Whoever America elects you can be sure of one thing, they won’t be a practicing Christian.

Written by Jim

8 Jan 2018 at 5:01 pm

Posted in mockery