Joel Osteen’s Plan to Help America

In an altruistic act meant to help Americans currently being bombarded with extremely cold weather, Joel Osteen personally offered to warm up the entire country with his lungs’ nearly inexhaustible supply of hot air.

Osteen stated he would plant himself in the middle of the coldest parts of the country and simply begin preaching one of his feel-good messages, the hot air wooshing from his mouth being almost guaranteed to warm up everyone in the nation.

“Frankly, we’re likely to see some extreme heat after Osteen starts preaching one of his inspirational messages,” one climatologist told reporters. “We’re a little frightened of the possible effects on our fragile ecosystems.”

One projection suggested that a simple 30-minute message on Jeremiah 29:11 preached by Mr. Osteen would be enough to melt the northern polar ice cap, all of Antarctica, and even potentially the polar ice caps all the way over on the planet Mars.

At publishing time, the impressive show of hot air had compelled the showrunners of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade to get Joel Osteen on retainer for this November, so that he could blow up each float before the parade began.

So thoughtful.

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