Go Ahead, Emergents, We Know You Want To…

And you probably should.  Because, honestly, you’re not really ‘Church’ in any Christian sense.  So go ahead, because any day now you’ll drop the word ‘church’ from your group meeting places. They’ll be called ‘The Vantage’  or ‘The Twin Peaks’ and such and people will wander in, grab a latte, and listen to rock music and a soothing speech from a t-shirt wearing hipster.

The Best Books To Buy The Emergent On Your Christmas (Oops, I mean Holiday) List

The good news is, they’re all published by Tyndale House (the one in the States, not the actual one in Cambridge)-

It’s that time of the year already! We’ve combed through thousands of works that have been published this season and now it’s time to count down the very best Christian books of 2017.

With our tenacious collective intellect and unparalleled access to the inner world of Christendom, our yearly top ten books list has become the standard-bearer of all top ten lists.

You’ve waited all year, and here it is. The Babylon Bee‘s top ten books of 2017.

10.) God and the Muslim Christian — Matthew Vines: A follow-up to his popular book God and the Atheist Christian, in this work Vines builds a compelling case for holding onto your identity as a devout Muslim and opponent of all kafir, while simultaneously embracing the precious truths and promises of the gospel. This book is a game-changer.

9.) The Eggs Benedict Option — Rod Dreher: How should a Christian engage the world? With an egg attractively served atop an English muffin and slice of ham, of course. In one of the most stimulating reads of the year, Dreher calls on believers to retreat to their kitchens in order to prepare the classic American breakfast dish while pondering what in the world we might do about this post-protein and post-Christian debacle we find ourselves in.

8.) Keeping Up with the Pipers — Barnabas Piper: The younger Piper gives a tell-all account of the wacky hijinks that inevitably pop up on an hourly basis when you’re being raised by John Piper. From tales of Grape-Nuts to snow angels to banana splits, this book is guaranteed to keep you smiling throughout.

7.) What Happened — Mark Driscoll: The former pastor of Mars Hill gives a riveting, extraordinarily detailed account of what went wrong at the multi-site megachurch, blaming everyone from Satan and attack helicopters to Russian click-farms and the mainstream media.

6.) Under an Amish Blood Moon — John Hagee and Beverly Lewis: When two electrifying authors like Hagee and Lewis team up, the result can’t be anything but spectacular. A thrilling tale of impending premillennial doom is the backdrop for a love story between unassuming Amish boy Eli and his forbidden love Sarah.

5.) Frodo’s Journey Aboard Battlestar Galactica: A Lord of the Rings Fanfiction— Tim Keller: We didn’t think a fanfiction about a Hobbit going off in search of the mythical planet of earth aboard the last remaining Battlestar would be any good, but Keller proved us wrong. All 67 parts of this fanfic, published under Keller’s fanfiction.net handle “BaldPresby413,” were absolutely enthralling.

4.) Blow the Moment — Carl Lentz: Using his phenomenal “punt heard round the world” as the blueprint, lead pastor of the U.S. franchise of global megachurch Hillsong literally writes the book about how to shirk your responsibility as a Christian when asked point-blank if abortion is bad, in order to reduce the level of tension in the air, gain favor of those around you, and alienate the fewest number of non-believers and personal fans at the expense of the truth. As he did recently in front of millions of people on The View, let the master Lentz teach you how to truly Blow the Moment.

3.) Why You Need To Buy My 50-Gallon Drums of Nacho Cheese Sauce Right Now Before Your Entire Family is Killed — Jim Bakker: Evangelical stalwart Bakker makes no bones about it. You better buy his oil drums full of delicious cheese sauce right now! Ignore him at your family’s peril! We even ordered several of his “CODE RED END TIMES DELICIOUS PANTRY BLEND” just in case. Hey, our families are safe!

2.) Christian Values are Great, but Hoo Boy, Let Me Tell You About This Thing Called Political Power — Jerry Falwell, Jr: The president of Liberty University lays out a bold case for why Christian values are all well and good, but once one gets a taste of political power that clashes with said values, man oh man, a little thing called cognitive dissonance kicks in and things can get a little complicated. Endorsed by Donald Trump and Robert Jeffress, this book was an instant bestseller this year.

1.) You’ll Buy Any Stupid Trash I Put Out, Won’t You, You Dumb Suckers — Joel Osteen: In perhaps the most important work of the year, Joel Osteen lays out an iron-clad case to millions of readers that they will undoubtedly continue to buy any and all stupid, meaningless, mind-numbing, gospel-diluting, Jesus-disrespecting trash he puts out, in bulk, without so much as a second thought. “I spread this hair-thin Christian veneer on it, smack my huge smile on the front cover, and collect my $15 million advance because you morons just keep eating it up,” he says in the intro. An instant Christian classic that’s sure to sell millions of copies.

Your favorite Emergent ‘Christian’ will dig these!  Just don’t get them for an actual Christian- because an actual Christian will actually burn them.

Trump Colluded With Russia

Here’s the evidence.

Michael Flynn, President Donald Trump’s former national security adviser, told a former business partner that economic sanctions against Russia would be “ripped up” as soon as Donald Trump took office, according to an anonymous whistleblower.

The revelation is the latest evidence suggesting the Trump campaign may have agreed to help Russia in exchange for Russia’s help getting Trump elected president, experts say.

Special counsel Robert Mueller had already secured Flynn’s cooperation in his investigation into whether the Trump campaign colluded with Russia to influence the outcome of the 2016 election, and Wednesday’s revelation publicly provides new evidence that will embolden Trump critics, experts say.

Trump is going to prison.  Along with his family.

If You’re a GOP Senator Having Relations with an Underage Boy, Don’t Wear a Shirt With Ephesians 5:22 on It…

Or, to be fair, even exist at all.

@BettyBowers  – Anti-gay senator caught with underage boy was wearing t-shirt with “Ephesians 5:22: Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” on it. This is why you should NEVER listen to “Christians” scolding you about their “faith” in public.

These people aren’t Christians. They pretend to be so that foolish people who also pretend to be Christians will vote for them. They are using faith as an election tool. And that’s all it is to them. And I despise them.

This is what happens when you let research assistants write your books for you: Statement from Zondervan Academic on Dr. Andreas Köstenberger’s John Commentary

There are a lot of ‘scholars’ who put their names on their grad students work. Köstenberger is just one of many.

What Does the Text Say?

This is one of the possible problems that arise when a prof has research assistant writing for them. I had a prof in grad school who published a dictionary using research assistants. I don’t know how the others fared, but five of the six articles in that dictionary are word-for-word exactly what I wrote. The sixth is my work in the same manner with only the intro removed. I did get a thank you on the acknowledgements page, but he is still listed as the author when the work (at least in my regard) was not his. I know that’s how many do it but it’s still just wrong. The next time he asked me to serve as a “research” assistant for him, I politely declined.

Statement from Zondervan Academic on Dr. Andreas Köstenberger’s John Commentary

In October 2017 Dr. Andreas Köstenberger informed Zondervan Academic that his commentary on the…

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Stupid Historical Claims For The Christmas Season

Oh this is a real gem… with thanks to Roberta Mazza for pointing out the link-

A fragment of bone claimed to be from St Nicholas – the 4th-Century saintly inspiration for Father Christmas – has been radio carbon tested by the University of Oxford. The test has found that the relic does date from the time of St Nicholas, who is believed to have died about 343 AD.

While not providing proof that this is from the saint, it has been confirmed as authentically from that era.
The Oxford team says these are the first tests carried out on the bones. Relics of St Nicholas, who died in modern-day Turkey, have been kept in the crypt of a church in Bari in Italy since the 11th Century.

It’s proof of nothing. Absolutely noting.  You folk in the media need to stop pandering to the lowest common denominator of stupidity just for a putative connection to some Christmas theme.

How Evangelicals Are Destroying Christianity in America

You need to read this.  He’s not completely correct, but he’s correct enough to deserve a hearing.  And Evangelicals need to repent.  That is obvious to all of us.

He says, among other things,

Evangelicalism forsakes holding a sexual predator, an adulterer, a liar and a racist accountable, instead serving as a shield against those who question POTUS’ immorality because of some warped reincarnation of Cyrus. Laying holy hands upon the incarnation of the very vices Jesus condemned to advance a political agenda — instead of rebuking and chastising in loving prayer — has prostituted the gospel in exchange for the victory of a Supreme Court pick.

Evangelicalism either remained silent or actually supported Charlottesville goose steppers because they protect their white privilege with the doublespeak of preserving heritage, leading them to equate opponents of fascist movements with the purveyors of hatred. Jesus has yet recovered from the vomiting induced by the Christian defenders of torch-wielding white nationalists calling for “blood-and-soil.”

The Evangelicals’ Jesus is satanic, and those who hustle this demon are “false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve” (2 Cor. 11:13-15, NIV).

You might wonder if my condemnation is too harsh. It is not, for the Spirit of the Lord has convicted me to shout from the mountaintop how God’s precious children are being devoured by the hatred and bigotry of those who have positioned themselves as the voice of God in America.

Read it all.  Again, he’s not completely right.  But he’s right enough.

Roy Moore: Adulterer

Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore’s account of when he began dating his wife Kayla would place the start of their courtship before her divorce from her first husband, according to court documents.

This comes as the Moore campaign’s defense of the retired judge against multiple allegations of sexual misconduct hinges on disputing minute details of the accusers’ versions of events.

On Tuesday afternoon, the Washington Examiner asked Moore’s campaign to explain apparent contradictions between his account of his relationship with Kayla Kisor and information contained in public records.

So add adulterer to his resume as child molester and Constitution rejecting pseudo-judge.  You Alabama Christians sure know how to pick ’em, don’t you….