The Bee Stings The Heretic Osteen

But a bit unrealistically, because Osteen has never actually opened a bible.

After overhearing a pair of Christians discuss 2 Timothy 2:15 in a local coffee shop, pastor and teacher Joel Osteen reportedly discovered for the first time the concept of “rightly dividing the Word of truth.” Inspired by this newfound revelation of how ministers and lay believers alike are to approach the Scriptures, the Lakewood pastor reportedly retrieved a pair of shears and a Bible from his briefcase to try it out for himself.

“Let me just try this—ow! Shoot!” patrons at the cafe heard him exclaim. Shortly thereafter, Osteen was rushed to the hospital with multiple lacerations to his hand and forearm.

The best the minister could piece together, he had attempted to use the shears to rightly divide the Bible he happened to have in his briefcase, and had somehow mangled the Scriptures beyond all recognition, inadvertently wounding himself with several cuts to his hand in the process.

“It was a real whoops-a-daisy!” a smiling Osteen told reporters gathered around his Houston hospital bed Wednesday morning, his hand completely wrapped in thick gauze. “Sometimes we fall down and make mistakes—the Bible calls this ‘boo-boos.’ But the good news is we can declare victory over our hangups and move forward!”

At publishing time, Osteen had been released with strict instructions not to go anywhere near either sharp objects or copies of the Bible, lest he hurt himself and others.