In a recent issue of the Review of Biblistic Archaeologyness Professor Raren Fling Of Scarvard University writes
While traveling in the Middle East, in an undisclosed location, a man in a dark coat (with quite a colorful hat) approached me in the Suk and offered me, in whispered tone, an artifact which he says he received from a trusted and believable source. He said that I would scarcely believe it were I to see it and so naturally I agreed to step into his quiet corner shop with free wi-fi and air-conditioning.
As we entered a back room, down winding stairs, underneath a tunnel, above a secret passage, connected to a maze which only the wisest could navigate guarded by a sphinx and a lynx he stumbled and I had to pull him to his feet. Once we descended what seemed 666 feet he stopped, wiped his brow, grabbed a coke from a handily located machine, and looked at me with an expression of seeming greed and delight, saying, here we are.
Pushing open a creaky door we entered a room that was lined with fascinating artifacts and in the corner was a table over which hunched a half dozen men, chained to the floor and diligently carving what looked to me to be Aramaic script on an assortment of old ossuaries.
My guide pulled open a drawer and there it was! The most amazing thing I had ever beheld! For there, before my eyes, lay what was obviously a carefully crafted portrait of what could only be Jesus of Nazareth! I was aghast. The parchment looked ancient and the image was doubtless authentic.
My host looked at his feet, and said in halting Syriac- ‘I wish to present this to you. For no cost. And you must never reveal that it was I who gave it to you. Take it. Take it home and show it to your friends and have them verify its authenticity. Place it in a lab (owned by your esteemed institution) and see to it that they too authenticate it. And if anyone questions it, simply tell them that they are scoffers scoffing and ignore them’.
But, I had to ask- where did this come from, how did you come to have it? My guide shook his head and said that he could not reveal his trustworthy source just down the street in a chinese owned knock off shop which specialized in churning out papyrus fragments to unsuspecting and gullible souls who can’t tell the difference between an ancient piece of papyrus from a modern piece of cardboard.
So, returning home, I followed his advice. A friend from Canada urged me as well to call a press conference not at some random date but at either Easter or Christmas, when the appetite for such things were at a peak. Having done so I discovered that I had achieved a fame unknown to those lesser colleagues who foolishly labor unstintingly questing for the truth.
Naturally questions have been raised- but I have ignored them, deciding instead to stand my ground like Trayvon Martin. Cleverly, I decided to urge my esteemed University to use one of its journals, The Scarvard Review of Theological Stuff and Puff, to dedicate an entire issue to the portrait / mugshot just the week before Easter, 2014.
And now, for the first time in human history, from an unprovenanced but completely reliable source, I give to you the mugshot of Jesus, on papyrus, inscribed by stylus using ancient iron ink:
Remarkably, the color of the ink has remained intact. We learn, without question, that Jesus was about 5’10, and had golden hair and amber eyes and a goatee/ soul patch. Further tests will be performed on this amazing and earth shattering find. In due course (which means, right before Christmas and then again right before Easter).
Amazing! I want to thank Prof. Fling for permission to reproduce her remarks and the amazing, amazing discovery.