The Bee Stings The Besmattered By Ink Hipster ‘Pastors’

An ecumenical gathering of Christian leaders issued an amendment to the biblical canon Monday, clarifying that getting a tattoo in the Hebrew language is in fact a prerequisite for becoming a leader in the local church.

The statement officially changes 1 Timothy 3 to read, “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money, and inked with a dope Hebrew tat.” Similar tweaks were made to the list in Titus 1, according to the council of Protestant authorities.

“Getting a lit tattoo in one of the biblical languages is obviously in keeping with the spirit of Paul’s other requirements for elders and leaders in the church as laid out in the pastoral epistles,” one commentator at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary said. “We would definitely recommend inking yourself a word written in Hebrew if you truly desire to become a teacher in the church—maybe even get a cool tribal design that melts away into a word like ‘shalom.’ That would be totally fire.”

Sources also confirmed that the chosen Hebrew word doesn’t have to be theologically significant, so long as it “looks really cool and authentic.”

That’s about how foolish they look too.