The Best Kind of Surveillance

In an effort to increase security and reduce costs of surveillance, the city of Lancaster has voted to remove all security cameras and replace them with nosy Mennonite ladies.

“Basically they’ll just do what they already do,” said Lancaster spokesperson Susanna Yoder. “Peer out their windows, watch what’s happening, and tell all their friends at the quilting bee. Eventually it’ll get around to us.”

Yoder says that Mennonite ladies are renowned as a reliable source of information throughout Pennsylvania.

“They always seem to know what’s going on,” said Yoder. “If something’s happening that shouldn’t be happening, they’re bound to take note of it.”

The new measure is estimated to save the state more than $5 billion in security costs, although those savings will be slightly dampened by the increased cost in knitting needles.

“You get three names for a knitting needle. Ten names for two,” said Yoder. “These Mennonite ladies drive a hard bargain, but it’s still cheaper than hiring some dude to watch surveillance tape all day.”

That’ll get the job done.

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