Where Do Ashes for Ash Wednesday Come From? Cremated Pets

ash_wednesday-e1424210182382Local Catholic dimwit Elton Price admitted to friends today that he had absolutely no clue that ashes used during Ash Wednesday Masses came from cremated pets. The parish ignoramus, who up until last week didn’t even know that Catholics worship Mary, thought that ashes actually came from branches used in the prior year’s Palm Sunday services, one friends reported to EOTT.

“Elton has never been the sharpest tool in the shed,” longtime friend Richard Tower said. “One time I saw him reading the Bible and I had to stop him and tell him that the Church suppresses Catholics from reading it. I remember him being really confused about this and asking me why we as Christians weren’t allowed to read it. I simply reminded him that we’re Catholics, not Christians. Big difference there.”

Tower went on to point out a few other instances where Price proved himself to be a complete moron, including the time [Price] did not know that the Pope is at all times infallible and impeccable, or that Constantine, not Jesus, actually invented the Catholic Church. At press time, Tower has taken away Price’s science text book, reminding him that science is “Satan’s bible.”

Suddenly, for some reason, I’m thinking of adopting Ash Wednesday as one of my favorite holidays.