The Bee Stings the ‘People are Basically Good’ Nonsense

Researchers at MIT revealed Friday they were still unable to locate mankind’s innate moral goodness, despite a $20 million federal government grant to scour every cell of the human body to locate the rumored decency with which every human is born.

During a recent interview with a national science journal, researchers intently stared into a high-powered microscope, furrowing their brows as they looked over yet another piece of the human body at the cellular level. But they remained unsuccessful in their attempt to find proof that every person is born morally upright.

“We thought we found it a few months back, but that turned out to be a dark, sinful nature infecting the tissue we were working with,” head researcher Dr. Flynn Albietz told reporters. “Same results we’ve always gotten.”

“We’re staying positive and we believe we’ll find the inherent goodness everyone supposedly has in their hearts pretty soon. It’s got to be in there somewhere—Gandhi said so, after all,” he added.

At publishing time, MIT’s research department had applied for a further $20 million in federal funding to search for the elusive goodness within mankind, stating the project had proven to be much more difficult than they had originally anticipated.

They won’t find it because it doesn’t exist.