The Bee Stings The Faux Pastoral Apology

These sort aren’t sorry, they’re sorry they got caught.  And yes, they are real.  And they are Legion.

After confirming rumors of a scandalous affair, megachurch celebrity pastor Lance E. Mason of Counterpoints Church issued a sincere, heartfelt apology Wednesday for his “extremely poor judgment” in not taking more effective steps to hide the affair.

“To my wife, my kids, and my church body,” Mason said in a well-choreographed spoken-word video posted to his Facebook page. “I am deeply sorry—I should have done a much better job covering my tracks.”

“Giving the lady my main cellphone number—that was a really unwise thing to do. And to think that all I had to do was Google ‘how to delete your text messages,’ and my affair could still be hiding in the dark where it belongs,” he continued, adding that if he had just done things a little differently, he would still be pastoring a huge church with everyone looking up to him, all while enjoying his extramarital affair, and everyone would be happy.

“I am so truly and deeply sorry,” he added.

According to a statement issued by the church, Mason will be taking a three-month paid sabbatical, where he will attend rehab classes focused around helping pastors hide their sin more effectively, after which he’ll be returning to the pulpit to launch a new sermon series and book based off his experiences.