‘Precious Moments’ – The Slaughter of the Canaanites Edition

moments-696x418The popular line of cutesy Precious Moments figurines is getting a long-awaited addition with an upcoming “Conquest of Canaan” series of collectibles, sources confirmed Friday.

The figures will include iconic events from the momentous time in Israel’s history, including the circumcision of all Jewish males encamped at Gilgal, the slaughter of the wicked inhabitants of Jericho, and the stoning of the deceitful pillager Achan.

“We wanted to depict some of the bloody, violent bits of the Bible in an adorable way,” a Precious Moments representative said as she showed off a collectible set of the five corpses of the Amorite kings Joshua put to the sword and publicly hanged before the people. “These are perfect for decorating a nursery or play room.”

According to the representative, Precious Moments’ sculptors went to great lengths to capture the blood and gore in the scenes depicted.

“They weren’t used to working with so much blood,” she said. “We had to order a ton of different shades of red for the details and finish, but rest assured, you’re getting a product that accurately depicts some of the goriest scenes in the Scriptures.

Precious Moments further confirmed the company would be creating additional lines focused on the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, the beheading of John the Baptist, and the assassination of King Eglon.

I so wish this were true

About Jim

I am a Pastor, and Lecturer in Church History and Biblical Studies at Ming Hua Theological College.
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