For the theological liberal in your life: Ambiance CD with calming sounds of Rachel Held Evans eating a quinoa salad. After a long day fighting for social justice on the internet, it can be tough to get to sleep at night. Luckily, Rachel Held Evans has released a CD that contains the soothing sounds of her munching on a quinoa salad—sure to please the progressive in your life. Thomas Nelson, $22.00
For the atheist in your life: Nothing. Nothing says you understand their nihilistic worldview than getting them absolutely nothing. While a gift of some sort suggests the person has some kind of inherent value bestowed by a creator, giving an atheist nothing really shows that you care about them and empathize with their belief that Christmas, like everything, is completely meaningless and we’re all just biding time until the sun devours the earth. Best of all, it won’t break the bank. Nowhere, $0.00
For the Calvinist in your life: A life-size statue of John Calvin. Your Reformed friend will think of you every day as he or she wakes up and falls at the feet of the statue to pray to the late reformer. Family Christian Stores, $799.00
For the Arminian in your life: A Magic 8 Ball. This will come in handy as your Wesleyan loved one tries to decide each day whether or not their salvation is still binding. Amazon, $11.95
For the charismatic in your life: A tambourine. What do you get the person that already has everything, including the coveted second blessing of the Holy Spirit? How about a nice, wooden tambourine they can use to loudly dance and wiggle around on Sundays? Bonus points if it’s shaped like a dove. Amazon, $24.95
For the cessationist in your life: A strange fire detector. Now available in a pocket-sized version, the strange fire detector will sound loudly whenever its user is within a 100′ radius of any person who is even slightly charismatic, allowing your cessationist friend to proactively decide whether to confront them harshly or flee for their lives. Grace to You, $49.95
For the King James Onlyist in your life: The New King James Bible. Your KJVO only buddies probably don’t even know there’s a new, improved version of the KJV Bible written in modern English. They’ll definitely appreciate the thoughtfulness of this great gift. Amazon, $14.99
For the run-of-the-mill nonbeliever in your life: A fake $100 bill gospel tract. For added effect, put it in a money-gift envelope and watch the range of expressions emanating from their face as they first think they’re receiving money, then realize it’s not real money, then realize it’s a religious tract, and finally surrender their lives to the Lord right in front of you. Living Waters, $10.00
There you have it—this ought to cover nearly everyone you’re buying for this year.
Looks like your Christmas shopping is done. You’re welcome!
And there ya go.