The Bee Stings the ‘Feely’ Generation

An influential group of the nation’s top progressive evangelical authors, speakers, and bloggers met Tuesday evening to officially affirm their recently drafted doctrine of “Sola Feels,” sources confirmed.

The new doctrine, translated “By Feels Alone,” formally outlines one of the essentials of modern-day progressive evangelicalism—that one’s feelings are the supreme authority in all matters of theology and practice.

An alleged draft of the creed, which was leaked to the press Wednesday morning, reads as follows:

“The whole counsel of God, concerning all things necessary for his own glory, man’s salvation, faith, and life, is either expressly set down in our feels, or by good and necessary consequence may be deduced from our feels: unto which nothing at any time is to be added, whether by the Scriptures, church history, or theologians.”

“Quite simply, ‘Sola Feels’ means that all spiritual truths only become true once they’re filtered through and accepted by our feels—all the feels,” popular author and speaker Jane Hansen told reporters after the meeting. “Thus, things that make us feel bad, those are wrong. The things that give us all the happy feels, those are true, right, and good.”

“At least, that’s how we feel at the moment, I feel,” she noted.

Adding that the group holds to progressive Christianity’s traditional position on the infallibility of feelings, Hansen confirmed that “Feels are the only true and perfect standard, revealing truth from lies, and love from intolerance. And we feel sooo good about Sola Feels, so you know it’s great.”

Asked about any pushback they may receive about the new doctrine, Hansen was undaunted, declaring that the group “just can’t even with the bad feels right now.”

Nail on the head.  Where can Rachel Held Evans and Jonathan Merritt sign the creed?