The Bee Stings SBC Adulation of David Platt

Driving a handmade sign into the dirt to commemorate the completion of the engineering marvel, missionary and International Mission Board President David Platt finally finished the tunnel he had cored through the center of the earth to China in his front yard Monday, sources announced.

Platt, who reportedly began construction just over two weeks ago using a 49-inch Razor-Back shovel, stated that the tunnel will be used to send a steady stream of radical, committed missionaries to minister alongside the persecuted church in China and surrounding countries.

“I may pop over there a few times a week to plant a church or two myself,” Platt told reporters gathered on his lawn Monday for a humble ceremony celebrating the tunnel’s official opening.

According to Platt, missionary candidates will need to don a special, heat-resistant suit before jumping into the 10-foot-wide vertical shaft. Then, the earth’s gravitational pull will rocket them to a speed of nearly 18,000 miles per hour until they shoot out the other side, where an International Mission Board representative will be waiting to catch the missionary before they begin plummeting back the other direction.

“I had to angle the hole slightly to make it shoot out in a nice, rural spot in China, plus the Coriolis effect complicated things a bit,” Platt said. “So missionary travelers may have to manually correct their course during the journey, using miniature jet thrusters built into the IMB power suit.” Platt further stated he’s made the trip over a dozen times, and is so used to the route he “reads a few theology books” on the way over.

“It all becomes second nature after your third jump or so,” he said with a chuckle. “I re-readCrazy Love on the first leg of the journey last time—so convicting. A really eye-opener for how lax I’ve gotten in my faith.”

“Francis [Chan] will be here for his first jump tomorrow, by the way,” he added.

Missionaries wanting to travel to China using the tunnel can contact the International Mission Board for more information.

The way the SBC is peddling Platt, it won’t be long before he is claimed to send the first missionaries to Mars.

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