Zwinglius Redivivus

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The Bee Stings Pentebabbleist Fakery

The young man was expected to begin speaking in heavenly languages as a verifiable seal of his salvation beginning around age six—but after much disappointment and many years of faith, prayer, perseverance, and practice mimicking the adults he observed at his charismatic church each Sunday, local teen Lewis Strahan, 16, has finally been blessed with the gift of faking tongues.

“Though he excelled early at describing intricate, wild fantasies as ‘visions from the Lord’ and ‘prophecies,’ it took Lewis forever to understand the proper way to feign speaking in tongues,” Strahan’s mother told reporters Wednesday. “He would be able to execute a half dozen solid syllables but then he would just repeat them over and over and over—it sounded totally forced and inauthentic.”

“Plus, the tongue roll has been tripping him up for years,” she added.

Strahan’s father confirmed the struggle young Lewis has fought through. “He was all vowels for so long. It sounded like an opera or something. We’re just glad he’s mastered this now, finally, so we can be sure of his salvation.”

At publishing time, Strahan had begun to practice his next big challenge: being “slain in the Spirit.”

All one can say to that is shambalala shumbayahaya

Written by Jim

03/08/2016 at 4:29 pm

Posted in Modern Culture

6 Responses

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  1. It’s interesting, isn’t it, that the Baptist response to glossolalia has always been the one that Paul said the “unbelievers” would give?

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    John C. Poirier

    04/08/2016 at 7:13 am

    • even the most entranced pentecostal has to admit that there’s more than enough fakery in the whole ‘unknown’ tongues thing. besides, it was paul who said he would rather speak a few sensible words than thousands of tongue blatherings.

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      Jim

      04/08/2016 at 7:20 am

  2. I agree with your first sentence. As for Paul’s claim, it holds true only within the context in which he meant it: that of speaking out loud in a worship service, especially where noncharismatics might be present. For his more general view, we have his contrasting claim, “I thank God that I speak in tongues more than ye all”.

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    John C. Poirier

    04/08/2016 at 7:56 am

    • ‘noncharismatics’ in paul’s view would be non christians. i.e., people without the spirit- the ‘gift’ of Christ.

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      Jim

      04/08/2016 at 8:00 am

  3. A little exegesis would show the error of that claim, but I’ll just stick to the main point, which is that Paul’s general view of tongues was that its abundance in his life was something for which he thanked God.

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    John C. Poirier

    04/08/2016 at 9:39 am

    • you misspelled eisegesis. but to be fair pentecostalism puts more value on the inner light than on exposition of scripture (like the montanists of old)

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      Jim

      04/08/2016 at 10:29 am


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