The Month of the Bee! This Month’s Carnival!

bb-header-logo4Every month we’ve a theme here and this month is no different at all.  What is different is that the theme is a single source of biblical and theological information.  That source?  The Babylon Bee.  The Bee stings the craziness that tries to pass itself off as sensible Christian thought and it does it so very well that in terms of its ability to mock, it excels.  It surpasses the Eye of the Tiber and the Onion, in fact.  Indeed, it is not even too much to claim that the Bee does a better job at theology than most theologians.

So, for your pleasure and entertainment- here’s the best of the Babylon Bee from the month of July.  Each entry is a teaser and you’re encouraged to read the entire piece:

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July commenced with a right good stinging of the several crazies who think that America is in the Bible!    GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—“Truly inspired and deeply moved” by his church’s patriotic 4th of July service, and particularly his pastor’s message, titled “The Shining City Upon A Hill,” local man Jim Radcliffe announced Monday his intention to launch into a comprehensive study of every mention of the United States of America in the entire Bible.

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One of the things that’s been happening lately is the boasting of ‘Evangelical’ ‘leaders’ about their relationship with Donald Trump.  Jerry Falwell Jr is a premier example of this sort of thing but James Dobson broke into the top rungs of craziness when he claimed that Paula White led Trump to Christ.   took notice, writing – NEW YORK, NY—Has the elder god Cthulhu become a born-again Christian? That’s what one of America’s most popular evangelicals, Dr. James Dobson, claimed recently during an “Evangelicals For Cthulhu” event in New York City.

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Along with all the other sorts of nuttbaggery there are also pretend bible scholars who like to find ‘codes’ in the text.  Here, the Bee shows the ignorance of that sort –  GALVESTON, TX—After studying the Scriptures through the lens of numerology for over three decades, Bible teacher and self-proclaimed prophet Jebidiah Benson has announced a stunning find. An ancient Bible code hidden in the Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic texts appears to record a rudimentary recipe for making chicken casseroles.

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Scholars sometimes don’t do a very good job of communicating with the average Joe.  Sadly, filling the gap has fallen to the heretics and lunatics and those lot have written a ton of rubbish.  One Church had the good idea, though, of having a heretical book buyback…  SAN ANTONIO, TX—“No questions asked,” the sign reads above the booth proudly set up inside Alamo Heights Bible Church’s foyer. The booth is the heart and soul of the church’s new heretical book buyback program, which pays gift cards, cash, or church bookstore credit in exchange for undesirable books of questionable or downright heretical content.

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Pseudo-scholarly premillennialist rubbish was savaged by the Bee:  ALEXANDRIA, VA—A spokesperson for the Salvation Army Family Store confirmed Wednesday that the popular line of thrift shops will no longer be accepting donations in the rapture fiction genre. “We have enough Left Behind books to pave the parking lot,” the representative stated in a press release. “Our store managers have been instructed to turn away any donations of fictional works set in or around the time of Christ’s return, on sight. We simply cannot afford the liabilities involved with the upkeep and storage of teetering towers of books describing the fiery wrath of God on the earth from the perspective of one-dimensional characters. And don’t get me started on the film adaptations.”

It’s truly sad that ‘Left Behind’ is read more widely than the Bible.  But that says more about the readers than the Bible.

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It’s a truism that many pastors are more interested in exalting themselves than exegeting the biblical text.  So kudos to the Bee for stinging that sort of misappropriation of the bible.  LEXINGTON, KY—By dramatically re-telling a story about his involvement in helping a woman after she was in a car accident, Pastor Chuck Vickery of New Hope Christian Church was amazingly able to make himself the hero of a sermon on election he delivered Sunday morning, sources confirmed.

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Molech is alive and well and should really be on the Supreme Court…   WASHINGTON, D.C.—Growing anxious that the Senate would not approve previous nominee Judge Merrick Garland, President Barack Obama announced Thursday that he would be pushing through newly selected nominee Molech of Canaan to be the nation’s 113th Supreme Court justice.   Extra points to the Bee for their shout out to Molech.

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The terribleness of self centered theological perceptions is lambasted by the Bee in this spectacular pounding–  I say God is an illusion. You insist he is real. Well OK then, Christian—I’ve got a challenge for you. A very simple request. Show me some evidence. Just show me some evidence. That’s all I ask. Show me some clear, undeniable evidence that God’s opinions about everything are identical to mine. Do that and I will gladly believe in your God and commit my life to him. If you can’t prove to me that literally none of God’s thoughts, words, or actions from eternity past until now would bother me, agitate me, or make me uncomfortable in any way, then why are we still talking? What’s the point?   That pretty much exemplifies agnostic/ atheist thought.

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The Bee is at its best when it recognizes the modern political implications of biblical imagery– as it does in this mid month piece on the Republican National Convention:  CLEVELAND, OH—In what is being called an apparent sign of the apocalypse, Lake Erie turned to blood as day one of the Republican National Convention kicked off Monday, multiple sources confirmed.

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One of the most popular (among the far right) is a movement called ‘complementarianism’.  What is it?  It’s the notion that a woman’s place is in the home raising a quiver full of children and schooling them at home so they aren’t corrupted by the society they inhabit.  And the Bee stings it quite nicely here:  JOPLIN, MO—A local complementarian man, who firmly believes and often espouses that it’s his job to protect his family and love them like Christ loves the church, made an exception to his role of leadership Wednesday morning as a “big scary spider” was spotted under his bathroom sink, sources confirmed. The man, identified as 44-year-old Ivan Rogers, immediately abandoned his deep-seated beliefs and asked his wife, Judy, to take care of the horrifying creature while he hid in the other room.

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One of the most bizarre aspects of ‘theology’ these days is its appearance on Facebook.  So kudos to the Bee for mocking what so richly deserves it:  ATLANTA, GA—What is not known is how Shayna Hinton, 35, knows the sweet little girl in the photo she shared on Facebook Monday. What is known is that the young girl in the picture has a “rare” and “deadly” disease that God will heal as long as Hinton’s Facebook post telling the world about her reaches one million likes.

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Pretty much the worst place you can go to find substantive theological books is the local ‘Christian Book Store’.  So the Bee stings such establishments by suggesting they open a new section called ‘the false teaching’ section.  GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Responding to customer complaints alleging that works from well-known false teachers were mixed in with biblically sound material in the company’s bookstores, Family Christian Stores announced Tuesday morning that all books by apostates will be immediately removed from their shelves and separated into their own easy-to-find section.   It turns out that most of the store has been moved to that new grouping.

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Finis

Once again, it’s important to note (and perhaps it will goad actual theologians into action) that the Bee does a better job than most academics in pointing out the ludicrousness of popularized Christianity.  Theologians and biblical scholars should be doing it.