Most of My Sermons Only Garner 1% Attention. So I Envy the 10%ers

A message on tithes and offerings at Maple Street Methodist Church received a surprisingly warm welcome Sunday as congregants responded by giving a full ten percent of their attention to the well-prepared sermon.

“I’m impressed by their generosity,” Pastor Larry Williams told reporters Monday. “We have to start somewhere—just pay a small amount of attention to a word here, a word there. Heck, sometimes I’m happy if the congregation even shows up for these services.”

An encouraging Monday morning staff meeting revealed the remarkable return, giving hope to the financially struggling body of Christ.

“I usually try to focus and really absorb about 12–13% of the sermon, so I’m doing way more than my part,” longtime church member Ruth O’Neill told reporters. “Once in a while, I’ll listen to the entire thing as a special, one-time love offering of my time and attention.”

Member David Spangler admitted to giving only 1% of his attention, blaming the pastor for scheduling the message in the prime of golf season, on the weekend of a major. “I have to prioritize, you know?” he explained.

David Spangler is a former parishioner of mine (and a present one too… named Legion).