The Bee Stings Silly Newly Formed ‘Progressive Christians’

Shaking her head in saddened disgust, newly-progressive Christian Jane Summers sits stunned, once again, staring at her screen after a Facebook argument, shocked at the “intolerance” of fellow Christians still perversely holding on to beliefs about issues like sex and gender which she abandoned at least three or four months ago.

Referring to the opinions she held only last semester, sources report that Summers declared Monday, “I’m absolutely disgusted. I can’t believe I used to think like these folks, back when I was a foolish bigot. I’ve evolved and moved on to embrace the truth—why can’t they? When will the hate stop?”

Her disappointment with fellow Christians isn’t confined to the internet, however. Describing a recent incident with her 84-year-old grandmother, Summers was incredulous. “I simply can’t believe Mammy would be so insensitive and backwards as to misgender Caitlyn Jenner. I sent her that Buzzfeed article on proper pronouns that changed my mind, but she still seemed skeptical. I don’t get it!”

In frustration, Summers took to Twitter under her new handle “@Ally4LyfeGirl” to reaffirm her commitment to the cause, writing, “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem!!! #StopTheHate”.

These newborn ‘progressives’ are a hoot.  We all know them.  Some of them even blog.

The Bee Stings ‘Evangelicals’ Looking For a Lie From Trump They’ll Believe

Trump’s op-ed for the Bee

Look, Evangelicals: I’m a businessman—a very, very successful businessman—and I got this way by making the greatest deals the world has ever known. I believe in speaking bluntly, as you know, so let’s cut to the chase: I want to make a deal with you, Evangelical Christians of America. A great deal.

My offer is this: you tell me which exact lie I can tell you that will get you to vote for me this November, and I will say it in front of the entire world, with all the sincerity I can muster.And I can muster a lot, believe me.

I’ve told you Christians some really great, tremendous lies in my historic campaign. Lies which—I’ll be honest—I thought would have all of your votes locked up by now. I claimed to be a devout Presbyterian. I said I go to church and drink my little wine and have my little cracker. Then there was that bit about “Nobody reads the Bible more than me”—what a line!And after being put on the ropes with that “favorite Bible verse” question, I came back like a champion prizefighter with “eye for an eye”—brilliant.

All of these fabrications have served to get a good chunk of you to commit to going to the polls for Trump come November, but my people tell me that there is still an unacceptable number of Evangelicals who somehow have not made the right choice to Make America Great Again.

How can that be? I even repeated your goofy little sinner’s prayer, for crying out loud! I did that for you, for your votes. How that marvelous move didn’t get every last one of you on Team Trump, I don’t know.

So let’s get down to brass tacks, here. I am committed to publicly spewing whatever lies are necessary to acquire your votes. This is my offer.

So what’s it going to be? What falsehood can I utter that will secure your allegiance? If not the brilliant tales I’ve already told, what? Really, which one haven’t I hit yet?

You tell me, I say it, you vote for me—everyone wins.

That’s a great deal.

A Commentary on Ecclesiastes, Free… Or, Something Better, for an Awesome Low Price…

You can get one thin small volume from Logos

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Or you could spend $199 and get a commentary on the ENTIRE BIBLE.  I think you should do that.  Sure, fine, do the free thing if you must but if you want to know what the WHOLE Bible is about and not just a tiny Hellenistic era bit, then, get the Commentary that makes a difference.  Buy the PDF’s from yours truly for a paltry $199 by clicking my PayPal Link.

DO IT!

Most of My Sermons Only Garner 1% Attention. So I Envy the 10%ers

A message on tithes and offerings at Maple Street Methodist Church received a surprisingly warm welcome Sunday as congregants responded by giving a full ten percent of their attention to the well-prepared sermon.

“I’m impressed by their generosity,” Pastor Larry Williams told reporters Monday. “We have to start somewhere—just pay a small amount of attention to a word here, a word there. Heck, sometimes I’m happy if the congregation even shows up for these services.”

An encouraging Monday morning staff meeting revealed the remarkable return, giving hope to the financially struggling body of Christ.

“I usually try to focus and really absorb about 12–13% of the sermon, so I’m doing way more than my part,” longtime church member Ruth O’Neill told reporters. “Once in a while, I’ll listen to the entire thing as a special, one-time love offering of my time and attention.”

Member David Spangler admitted to giving only 1% of his attention, blaming the pastor for scheduling the message in the prime of golf season, on the weekend of a major. “I have to prioritize, you know?” he explained.

David Spangler is a former parishioner of mine (and a present one too… named Legion).

Maybe It’s Time to Give Priests Hazardous Duty pay

Because you can’t be a cleric these days without risking your life.

A priest was reportedly stabbed in his own home when he refused to give money to a man claiming to be an asylum seeker who had asked to use his shower.   Father Jos Vanderlee, a 65-year-old priest in the northeast Belgian town of Lanaken, was rushed to hospital with hand and tendon injuries.  He is expected to make a full recovery.  According to local newspaper Het Nieuwsblad, a man who said he was an asylum seeker knocked on the vicar’s door  on Sunday and asked if he could use the shower.

Hazard pay.  Or a bodyguard.

Scotland’s Long Reformation

95533This looks a gem

Exploring processes of religious change in early-modern Scotland, this collection of essays takes a long-term perspective to consider developments in belief, identity, church structures and the social context of religion from the late-fifteenth century through to the mid-seventeenth century. The volume examines the ways in which tensions and conflicts with origins in the mid-sixteenth century continued to impact upon Scotland in the often violent seventeenth century, while also tracing deep continuities in Scotland’s religious, cultural and intellectual life. The essays, the fruits of new research in the field, are united by a concern to appreciate fully the ambiguity of religious identity in post-Reformation Scotland, and to move beyond simplistic notions of a straightforward and unidirectional transition from Catholicism to Protestantism.

I just wanted to mention it.  Doubtless many will be interested.

All The Best People Are Born in August

A lot of noteworthy birth-iversaries come around in August:

Walther Eichrodt — 1890 — on August 1
Martin Noth — 1902 — on August 3
Sigmund Mowinckel — 1884 — on August 4
Ernst Axel Knauf — 1953 — on August 6
Adolf Schlatter — 1852 — on August 16
Rudolf Bultmann — 1884 — on August 20
Beatus Rhenanus — 1485 — on August 22

And of course me- in 1960 — on August 29
And Esteban Vazquez – in 1970 — on August 29

The Month of the Bee! This Month’s Carnival!

bb-header-logo4Every month we’ve a theme here and this month is no different at all.  What is different is that the theme is a single source of biblical and theological information.  That source?  The Babylon Bee.  The Bee stings the craziness that tries to pass itself off as sensible Christian thought and it does it so very well that in terms of its ability to mock, it excels.  It surpasses the Eye of the Tiber and the Onion, in fact.  Indeed, it is not even too much to claim that the Bee does a better job at theology than most theologians.

So, for your pleasure and entertainment- here’s the best of the Babylon Bee from the month of July.  Each entry is a teaser and you’re encouraged to read the entire piece:

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July commenced with a right good stinging of the several crazies who think that America is in the Bible!    GRAND PRAIRIE, TX—“Truly inspired and deeply moved” by his church’s patriotic 4th of July service, and particularly his pastor’s message, titled “The Shining City Upon A Hill,” local man Jim Radcliffe announced Monday his intention to launch into a comprehensive study of every mention of the United States of America in the entire Bible.

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One of the things that’s been happening lately is the boasting of ‘Evangelical’ ‘leaders’ about their relationship with Donald Trump.  Jerry Falwell Jr is a premier example of this sort of thing but James Dobson broke into the top rungs of craziness when he claimed that Paula White led Trump to Christ.   took notice, writing – NEW YORK, NY—Has the elder god Cthulhu become a born-again Christian? That’s what one of America’s most popular evangelicals, Dr. James Dobson, claimed recently during an “Evangelicals For Cthulhu” event in New York City.

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Along with all the other sorts of nuttbaggery there are also pretend bible scholars who like to find ‘codes’ in the text.  Here, the Bee shows the ignorance of that sort –  GALVESTON, TX—After studying the Scriptures through the lens of numerology for over three decades, Bible teacher and self-proclaimed prophet Jebidiah Benson has announced a stunning find. An ancient Bible code hidden in the Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic texts appears to record a rudimentary recipe for making chicken casseroles.

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Scholars sometimes don’t do a very good job of communicating with the average Joe.  Sadly, filling the gap has fallen to the heretics and lunatics and those lot have written a ton of rubbish.  One Church had the good idea, though, of having a heretical book buyback…  SAN ANTONIO, TX—“No questions asked,” the sign reads above the booth proudly set up inside Alamo Heights Bible Church’s foyer. The booth is the heart and soul of the church’s new heretical book buyback program, which pays gift cards, cash, or church bookstore credit in exchange for undesirable books of questionable or downright heretical content.

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Pseudo-scholarly premillennialist rubbish was savaged by the Bee:  ALEXANDRIA, VA—A spokesperson for the Salvation Army Family Store confirmed Wednesday that the popular line of thrift shops will no longer be accepting donations in the rapture fiction genre. “We have enough Left Behind books to pave the parking lot,” the representative stated in a press release. “Our store managers have been instructed to turn away any donations of fictional works set in or around the time of Christ’s return, on sight. We simply cannot afford the liabilities involved with the upkeep and storage of teetering towers of books describing the fiery wrath of God on the earth from the perspective of one-dimensional characters. And don’t get me started on the film adaptations.”

It’s truly sad that ‘Left Behind’ is read more widely than the Bible.  But that says more about the readers than the Bible.

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It’s a truism that many pastors are more interested in exalting themselves than exegeting the biblical text.  So kudos to the Bee for stinging that sort of misappropriation of the bible.  LEXINGTON, KY—By dramatically re-telling a story about his involvement in helping a woman after she was in a car accident, Pastor Chuck Vickery of New Hope Christian Church was amazingly able to make himself the hero of a sermon on election he delivered Sunday morning, sources confirmed.

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Molech is alive and well and should really be on the Supreme Court…   WASHINGTON, D.C.—Growing anxious that the Senate would not approve previous nominee Judge Merrick Garland, President Barack Obama announced Thursday that he would be pushing through newly selected nominee Molech of Canaan to be the nation’s 113th Supreme Court justice.   Extra points to the Bee for their shout out to Molech.

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The terribleness of self centered theological perceptions is lambasted by the Bee in this spectacular pounding–  I say God is an illusion. You insist he is real. Well OK then, Christian—I’ve got a challenge for you. A very simple request. Show me some evidence. Just show me some evidence. That’s all I ask. Show me some clear, undeniable evidence that God’s opinions about everything are identical to mine. Do that and I will gladly believe in your God and commit my life to him. If you can’t prove to me that literally none of God’s thoughts, words, or actions from eternity past until now would bother me, agitate me, or make me uncomfortable in any way, then why are we still talking? What’s the point?   That pretty much exemplifies agnostic/ atheist thought.

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The Bee is at its best when it recognizes the modern political implications of biblical imagery– as it does in this mid month piece on the Republican National Convention:  CLEVELAND, OH—In what is being called an apparent sign of the apocalypse, Lake Erie turned to blood as day one of the Republican National Convention kicked off Monday, multiple sources confirmed.

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One of the most popular (among the far right) is a movement called ‘complementarianism’.  What is it?  It’s the notion that a woman’s place is in the home raising a quiver full of children and schooling them at home so they aren’t corrupted by the society they inhabit.  And the Bee stings it quite nicely here:  JOPLIN, MO—A local complementarian man, who firmly believes and often espouses that it’s his job to protect his family and love them like Christ loves the church, made an exception to his role of leadership Wednesday morning as a “big scary spider” was spotted under his bathroom sink, sources confirmed. The man, identified as 44-year-old Ivan Rogers, immediately abandoned his deep-seated beliefs and asked his wife, Judy, to take care of the horrifying creature while he hid in the other room.

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One of the most bizarre aspects of ‘theology’ these days is its appearance on Facebook.  So kudos to the Bee for mocking what so richly deserves it:  ATLANTA, GA—What is not known is how Shayna Hinton, 35, knows the sweet little girl in the photo she shared on Facebook Monday. What is known is that the young girl in the picture has a “rare” and “deadly” disease that God will heal as long as Hinton’s Facebook post telling the world about her reaches one million likes.

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Pretty much the worst place you can go to find substantive theological books is the local ‘Christian Book Store’.  So the Bee stings such establishments by suggesting they open a new section called ‘the false teaching’ section.  GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Responding to customer complaints alleging that works from well-known false teachers were mixed in with biblically sound material in the company’s bookstores, Family Christian Stores announced Tuesday morning that all books by apostates will be immediately removed from their shelves and separated into their own easy-to-find section.   It turns out that most of the store has been moved to that new grouping.

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Finis

Once again, it’s important to note (and perhaps it will goad actual theologians into action) that the Bee does a better job than most academics in pointing out the ludicrousness of popularized Christianity.  Theologians and biblical scholars should be doing it.