Zwinglius Redivivus

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The Bee Stings Those Really Awful ‘Youth Services’

Nail. On. The. Head.

What began as a lighthearted announcement by the Lead Pastor of Oak Grove Church turned into a stampede Sunday as dozens of church members were trampled in a desperate attempt to avoid the annual youth-led service.

Pastor Mark Davies began the service by announcing he had a “special treat” for church members—the “Teen Xtreme” youth group would be producing all facets of that day’s church service.

Witnesses say that the number of individuals leaving was minimal at first, then increased as the congregation was confronted by a group of earnest youth playing a song featuring the lyrics “heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,” while dancing erratically. Still, church members say the exit was controlled and largely orderly to that point, despite a vocal youth leader repeatedly shouting “let’s put our hands together, come on, make some noise this morning!” in the midst of a five-minute, two-chord guitar solo.

“Honestly, we really were trying to support the youth,” explained Rhoda Moran, 47. “We hung in there until they announced they would be doing an extended pantomime set to original music. At that point, things dissolved into chaos.”

Here’s the most hilarious part-

“My husband Chester is the bravest man I ever knew,” recounted Millie Gaines, 85. “He spent a year in a POW camp during Korea, and even won a Bronze Star for attacking an enemy machine gun nest. But when they announced one of the teens was going to come out and do an extended spoken-word performance with accompanying exaggerated hand motions, he just began weeping and finally collapsed. The doctors aren’t sure if he’ll ever come out of it. He just keeps murmuring something about the regulative principle. It’s like he’s somewhere far, far away—a place with integrated family worship, I hope”.

Etc.   We’ve all been there haven’t we, stampeding out in spirit if not in flesh.

Written by Jim

28/06/2016 at 11:30 am

Posted in Modern Culture