mockery

Breaking News!!! The Grave of Judas Found!

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Readers of the Bible will be familiar with the story of the death of Judas.  For centuries critical scholars have argued about the location of Judas’ burial

Questions have been raised but recently the University of Fraudvard’s very own Prof. Staren Bling (who also works as a consultant for the Discovery Channel Canada) has announced that she/he (Staren prefers to abandon gender labels, deeming him/herself a person rather than a sex object) has in fact uncovered the ancient grave of Judas Iscariot (albeit without any scholarly support).

The site is just outside Kerioth (where Judas lived and learned how to be a treasurer).  It was finally uncovered because of a fragment of the ‘Gospel of Judas’ which has recently been published by Bling which reads

And then they placed Judas in his family tomb in Kerioth, and lo, with him they buried copies of a gospel which he himself had written, saying among themselves, ‘who would ever be doofy enough to believe he wrote that rubbish?’

At this point – says Prof. Bling- the text cuts off.  But she (I mean he)(oh whatever) has sent along this photo of the tomb, clearly showing Judas in his burial shroud!

photo

Breaking News!!! The Fruit on the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil Has Been Discovered

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Readers of the Bible will be familiar with the story of the Garden of Eden and the fruit which Adam and Eve ate which they were forbidden to so do.  For centuries critical scholars have argued about the kind of fruit which may have tempted them so.  Of course, the general populace, the unwashed unlearned masses of near-zombie souls occupying the planet think the fruit was an Apple, thanks to a rather boring Medieval poet.

Questions have been raised but recently the University of Fraudvard’s very own Prof. Staren Bling (who also works as a consultant for the Discovery Channel Canada) has announced that she/he (Staren prefers to abandon gender labels, deeming him/herself a person rather than a sex object) has in fact uncovered the ancient Aramaic roots of the tale of the tree along with a very old text (dated to the 9th century CE but which Bling insists (albeit without any scholarly support) existed in earlier forms and which was nonetheless perfectly transmitted for 9000 years.

The text, as Bling reconstructs it, reads as follows (and it’s made public here for the very first time!)(I’m so honored).

And lo, the serpent entwined itself around the Peeps Tree in the midst of the Garden and the woman saw that the tree was a delight to the eyes and the fruit it produced good to the tastes and an excellent supplier of a sugar rush beyond belief, and she lusted for it, and she did take, and eat, until her stomach distended.  And her husband Adam, who was with her, did also eat.  And they were both amazed and the Serpent did chuckle and say under his breath- lo, their perfect bodies are now ruined and those fantastic abs no longer visible.  From now on they will spend their lives eating peeps and growing obese….

At this point – says Prof. Bling- the text cuts off.  But she (I mean he)(oh whatever) has also sent along this replica of the tree which decorates the ancient Aramaic manuscript.  Behold- THE TREE which tempts all:

treepeeps are good.  peeps are evil

Dear Churches…

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Dear churches which canceled services for the super bowl. you should do the same for Easter. 

STUNNING NEWS! After Jesus Died, His Wife Married a Wrestler, Who Then Arranged to Throw a Match!

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You can read the text of the match throwing on this newly discovered papyrus. For your convenience, I have circled the part of the document which states, as reconstructed by expert papyrologist Kirsten Queen, which she renders:

[... And then Jesus' wife, after he died, married a wrestler...]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will change EVERYTHING!  Go ahead, read it for yourself-

BlapzJlCUAAejx7

A Town Council In Britain Rejected a Performance of ‘The Passion of Christ’, Because they Thought it was a Sex Show…

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I sometimes wonder….   how some people manage to survive- being so ignorant.

Through centuries and across countries, it has remained a staple of traditional Easter celebrations.
But that rich history, it seems, has been rather lost on one council bureaucrat – who forced a church to cancel its Passion play because he apparently thought it was a sex show.   The performance, telling the story of the crucifixion of Christ, had been planned for Good Friday by St Stephen’s House Theological College and Saints Mary and John Church in Oxford.  That was until an official at the local Labour council refused to rubber-stamp the event, forcing the church to scrap it at short notice.    The worker in question apparently did not know that a Passion play was a religious affair – and thought it was an obscene production.  Last night ministers, MPs and religious groups criticised the ‘unbelievable’ actions of Oxford City Council, saying it showed Christians were becoming increasingly marginalised in society.

Oxford…. come on.   Folk are supposed to be smart in Oxford.  This is the sort of thing you’d expect to happen in Scotland.

Why I Should Be The Coach Of the Tennessee Vols Basketball Team

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I will coach the #vols. I’m already highly qualified.

1- I know what it’s like to be despised.
2- I know what it’s like to give direction and guidance and be utterly ignored thanks to inflated egos.
3- I can take heat. I’m pyrex.
4- The opinions of others about me don’t affect me. I’m just me no matter what they say, or think.
5- Have I mentioned that my dad’s cousin is Jerry West? No kidding.
6- I once played basketball. In one game. When I was 8.
and
7- I wouldn’t stay long. I’d get bored with it before the fans could build up murderous levels of rage (i.e., after I lost 3 games).

In sum, I would be the perfect coach for the Tennessee Vols. Pick me. Pick me…

Go Vols!

An Astonishing Discovery: A Fragment Proving that Jesus was NOT Married

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Yet another papyrus fragment has been discovered and this time it seems to indicate that Jesus was NOT married and never had a wife.  Indeed, the fragment mentions maidens and the portion lost seems to point to Jesus and his unwillingness to be alone with them.

The fragment was passed to an anonymous seller in the Old City of Jerusalem who showed it to an eager scholar who showed it around to some friends who were also very enthusiastic and urged it’s publication- and I’ve been given the honor of, for the first time, making it known.  The full report, of course, will appear later this year in the Harvard Theological Review once it’s peer reviewed and the facts are thoroughly investigated.

Here’s the artifact- tentatively dated to sometime between 22 CE and 835 CE, on papyrus, approximately 3 inches wide by 1/2 inch tall.

photo

The papyrus is ancient and the ink too is very, very old.  Unfortunately, and this is the tragic part, the fragment was left unattended overnight and has disappeared.  We are so fortunate to have this photo but it, alas, is the only evidence which exists (unless the fragment turns up somewhere.  We shall be watching Ebay).

Again, this is the real McCoy!  Watch for the complete essay in HTR.  This year.  Or maybe next.  Well sometime in the future.  Probably.  Maybe.

Wow, I’m So Honored!!!!

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I’ve received word tonight that my blog has been named one of the top 10 blogs in the world by the very prestigious Zwingli Prize!  They’ve sent along this note:

Dear Recipient,

It is our joy to write to inform you that your blog has been named one of the Top 10 in the world which discusses the life, work, and theology of Huldrych Zwingli.  We attach the award badge which you are invited to place on your blog in any location which you desire.

We know that there are a number of ‘blog awards’ and ‘top sites’ services which require a link-back and which, truth told, are really little more than self promotion.  But this award comes with absolutely no strings.  You are not asked to link to anything or anyone and if you choose you are free to refrain from mentioning it at all.

We simply felt that you deserved this recognition for your hard work.

Sincerely,

The Zwingli Prize Committee*

WOW!!!!  Here’s the prize badge!  I’m placing it on the sidebar!!!  WHAT AN HONOR!

top10

_________________________
*The award is given by the owners and operators of Zwinglius Redivivus

Oh Dear… Someone in the Teaparty Needs to Go Back to Second Grade…

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Dear Tea People, your cause isn’t helped by ignorance.  It just isn’t.

BlOaFHKCEAEhJCHvia

Green Jesus…

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Because co-opting Jesus for every pet cause is how the kids roll theses days…

repent