Zwinglius Redivivus

Archive for the ‘mockery’ Category

Spiritual Spam

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The following delight arrived in the email and I reproduce it here unaltered for your enjoyment:

Good day Am Benard, how’s the church, i went through the internet and reviewed your church and I have seen great commintment in your believe and worship. Am no Christian and have sinned, i am sick and presently in the hospital, receiving treatment and i seriously know that i have little or no time to live in this world and wish for your prayers, i want to be close to God. please do not ignore me, please do pray for me and i know really there’s God. Do let me know this God. I also will love to make a donation of all my assets and finances to the church.
Thanks
Mr. Benard Hufana

So- if I understand this chap, he’s near death and wants to know about God and will, in return, give me his entire fortune. Nice!

Written by Jim

October 19, 2014 at 17:01

Posted in mockery, Modern Culture

Millennials Rewrite the Great Commission

with one comment

Were they aware enough of the Bible to know that there was a Gospel in it named ‘Matthew’, millennials would have Jesus say this at the end of it-

‘Go into all the world and make millennials happy and draw them into a ‘church’ that serves them rather than a place where they can learn to be servants, and lo, I am with you always, or until you find something better to do, amen.  Oh, and yes, there’s an app for that’…

images

Written by Jim

October 16, 2014 at 14:45

I Guess I Have to Send Him As Much As I Have… Because When a ‘Prophet’ Emails From Nigeria…

This is my favorite Nigerian scam email EVER- received just today.

Dear Friend,

I greet you in the name of God I know this mail might come to you as a surprise but take and treat with love as Christ love the church.

I am prophet TB JOSHUA, am requesting for your assistance in an ongoing project in our church in Nigeria, we about to building an orphanage home for the less privileged in Africa which headquarters will be in Nigeria.

I want to raise fund from all pastors and clergy that God might instruct to help either in cash or in kind. I’m a prophet and servant of God but I cant do it all alone, because a tree cannot make a forest , and as the holy bible says in 1st Corinthians chapter 13:1-6 Though I speak with the tongues of man as of angels and have not the charity, I am became as sounding as brass or tinkling cymbals, verse-2 And though I have the gift of prophecy and understanding mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith so that I could remove mountain and have not charity, I’m nothing verse-3 And though I bestow all goods to feed the poor and though I give my body to be burned and have not charity it profited me nothing. Verse-4 Charity sufferer long and kind, Charity voted not itself, is not puffed up.

God will bless you for any fund raised for this Godly project that will go a long way in helping us to grow orphans in the name and to the glory of God, your quick response to this mail will help us in Jesus name Amen.

God bless you,

prophet TB JOSHUA.
synagogue CHURCH
P.O. BOX 13563 …

I think Joel Watts should start calling himself ‘prophet’.  It so beats Bishop or Archbishop or Pope.

Written by Jim

October 4, 2014 at 11:27

Posted in mockery

But don’t Worry, It Won’t Spread in America…

CNN reports

Health officials are monitoring not only the people the Dallas Ebola patient had contact with while he was contagious and not isolated, but also dozens of people that they subsequently contacted, Dallas County Health and Human Services spokeswoman Erikka Neroes said today.  Eighty people — the patient’s contacts, plus people with whom they had contact — are now being monitored for Ebola in the Dallas area, Neroes said.

Yay!  That’s just the way every plague in every Zombie movie has ever started.  Welcome to the Black Death of 2015.  But go ahead, believe the CDC…

Written by Jim

October 2, 2014 at 09:30

Posted in mockery, Modern Culture

Higher Ed? Yeah, Maybe Not Really. More Like Personal Enrichment For Administrators

New analysis of tax data from publicly available IRS 990 forms shows that eight high-level UChicago administrators have received more than $7.6 million in compensation increases since 2007-2008, even as the school moved toward and suffered a credit downgrade.

Over five years, administrators enjoyed pay increases of between 40 percent and 135 percent, and as a result each received $450,000 to $3.3 million from cumulative increases by the end of 2012-2013, the most recent year for which tax data is available.

UChicago thus ended up paying $2.5 million more annually for the combined services of these eight people — an increase from $3.4 to almost $6 million per year.

These administrators include President Robert Zimmer, former Provost Thomas Rosenbaum (now president of the California Institute of Technology), and executive vice president David Fithian, a former Harvard dean. Previously, all three received scrutiny because they did not help identify administrators responsible for an apparently deceptive UChicago statement about increases to Zimmer, the country’s highest paid private university president.

Etc.

Paying that higher tuition and those increased fees is making a big difference to the quality of education.  Nah, I’m kidding.  What it’s really doing is making top administrators really very wealthy while instruction takes a back seat.  But hey, no need to feel badly about it.  After all, they’re accredited schools which means you can believe them…  They’ve paid all the proper bribes erm, I mean fees… and are duly and rightly managed and operated.  Because the accrediting agencies have gotten kickbacks, shoot, I mean done their due diligence to ensure that they are…

Written by Jim

September 27, 2014 at 14:18

Why Has James Crossely Been So Quiet of Late?

Conferencing?  That’s, to be sure, what he would have you to believe.  But the truth is, he has been spending time in seclusion, weeping in the wake of the tat he got whilst a tad sauced a few weeks back which features the intentional poor spelling of a Manchester City tat artist (who is clearly no fan of Sir Alex Ferguson).  See if you can spot the blunder- and then send James a consolatory epistle.

fergie-tattoo

Peer Review… Sort Of

@conradhackett: In experiment, published articles resubmitted to same journals. Most rejected, “serious methodological flaws” noted.

http://t.co/53t0nJViW6

Well there you have it- the infallibility of the process. Sort of. Maybe.

Written by Jim

August 31, 2014 at 18:14

Posted in mockery

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