STUNNING NEWS! After Jesus Died, His Wife Married a Wrestler, Who Then Arranged to Throw a Match!

You can read the text of the match throwing on this newly discovered papyrus. For your convenience, I have circled the part of the document which states, as reconstructed by expert papyrologist Kirsten Queen, which she renders:

[... And then Jesus' wife, after he died, married a wrestler...]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will change EVERYTHING!  Go ahead, read it for yourself-

BlapzJlCUAAejx7

A Town Council In Britain Rejected a Performance of ‘The Passion of Christ’, Because they Thought it was a Sex Show…

I sometimes wonder….   how some people manage to survive- being so ignorant.

Through centuries and across countries, it has remained a staple of traditional Easter celebrations.
But that rich history, it seems, has been rather lost on one council bureaucrat – who forced a church to cancel its Passion play because he apparently thought it was a sex show.   The performance, telling the story of the crucifixion of Christ, had been planned for Good Friday by St Stephen’s House Theological College and Saints Mary and John Church in Oxford.  That was until an official at the local Labour council refused to rubber-stamp the event, forcing the church to scrap it at short notice.    The worker in question apparently did not know that a Passion play was a religious affair – and thought it was an obscene production.  Last night ministers, MPs and religious groups criticised the ‘unbelievable’ actions of Oxford City Council, saying it showed Christians were becoming increasingly marginalised in society.

Oxford…. come on.   Folk are supposed to be smart in Oxford.  This is the sort of thing you’d expect to happen in Scotland.

Why I Should Be The Coach Of the Tennessee Vols Basketball Team

I will coach the #vols. I’m already highly qualified.

1- I know what it’s like to be despised.
2- I know what it’s like to give direction and guidance and be utterly ignored thanks to inflated egos.
3- I can take heat. I’m pyrex.
4- The opinions of others about me don’t affect me. I’m just me no matter what they say, or think.
5- Have I mentioned that my dad’s cousin is Jerry West? No kidding.
6- I once played basketball. In one game. When I was 8.
and
7- I wouldn’t stay long. I’d get bored with it before the fans could build up murderous levels of rage (i.e., after I lost 3 games).

In sum, I would be the perfect coach for the Tennessee Vols. Pick me. Pick me…

Go Vols!

An Astonishing Discovery: A Fragment Proving that Jesus was NOT Married

Yet another papyrus fragment has been discovered and this time it seems to indicate that Jesus was NOT married and never had a wife.  Indeed, the fragment mentions maidens and the portion lost seems to point to Jesus and his unwillingness to be alone with them.

The fragment was passed to an anonymous seller in the Old City of Jerusalem who showed it to an eager scholar who showed it around to some friends who were also very enthusiastic and urged it’s publication- and I’ve been given the honor of, for the first time, making it known.  The full report, of course, will appear later this year in the Harvard Theological Review once it’s peer reviewed and the facts are thoroughly investigated.

Here’s the artifact- tentatively dated to sometime between 22 CE and 835 CE, on papyrus, approximately 3 inches wide by 1/2 inch tall.

photo

The papyrus is ancient and the ink too is very, very old.  Unfortunately, and this is the tragic part, the fragment was left unattended overnight and has disappeared.  We are so fortunate to have this photo but it, alas, is the only evidence which exists (unless the fragment turns up somewhere.  We shall be watching Ebay).

Again, this is the real McCoy!  Watch for the complete essay in HTR.  This year.  Or maybe next.  Well sometime in the future.  Probably.  Maybe.

Wow, I’m So Honored!!!!

I’ve received word tonight that my blog has been named one of the top 10 blogs in the world by the very prestigious Zwingli Prize!  They’ve sent along this note:

Dear Recipient,

It is our joy to write to inform you that your blog has been named one of the Top 10 in the world which discusses the life, work, and theology of Huldrych Zwingli.  We attach the award badge which you are invited to place on your blog in any location which you desire.

We know that there are a number of ‘blog awards’ and ‘top sites’ services which require a link-back and which, truth told, are really little more than self promotion.  But this award comes with absolutely no strings.  You are not asked to link to anything or anyone and if you choose you are free to refrain from mentioning it at all.

We simply felt that you deserved this recognition for your hard work.

Sincerely,

The Zwingli Prize Committee*

WOW!!!!  Here’s the prize badge!  I’m placing it on the sidebar!!!  WHAT AN HONOR!

top10

_________________________
*The award is given by the owners and operators of Zwinglius Redivivus

Richard Dawkins: Pimping His Views in a Most Absurd Way

He’s decided to pitch t-shirts, with a big red A (which is the atheist logo), on his website.  Dawkins the kitsch pitcher.  It makes perfect sense really given the fact that everything he says about ultimate matters is kitsch.

bahahaha

What’s wrong Dick, books not selling well?  And still willing to misread the Bible because that suits your methodology?  Poor Dick, not very creative are you.

NB- I think it’s kind of amusing that the small and 3xl sizes are currently sold out.  Does this mean that angry atheists are either small children or obese men?

Breaking News! The Mugshot Of Jesus Has Been Discovered!!!!

In a recent issue of the Review of Biblistic Archaeologyness Professor Raren Fling Of Scarvard University writes

While traveling in the Middle East, in an undisclosed location, a man in a dark coat (with quite a colorful hat) approached me in the Suk and offered me, in whispered tone, an artifact which he says he received from a trusted and believable source.  He said that I would scarcely believe it were I to see it and so naturally I agreed to step into his quiet corner shop with free wi-fi and air-conditioning.

As we entered a back room, down winding stairs, underneath a tunnel, above a secret passage, connected to a maze which only the wisest could navigate guarded by a sphinx and a lynx he stumbled and I had to pull him to his feet.  Once we descended what seemed 666 feet he stopped, wiped his brow, grabbed a coke from a handily located machine, and looked at me with an expression of seeming greed and delight, saying, here we are.

Pushing open a creaky door we entered a room that was lined with fascinating artifacts and in the corner was a table over which hunched a half dozen men, chained to the floor and diligently carving what looked to me to be Aramaic script on an assortment of old ossuaries.

My guide pulled open a drawer and there it was!  The most amazing thing I had ever beheld!  For there, before my eyes, lay what was obviously a carefully crafted portrait of what could only be Jesus of Nazareth!  I was aghast.  The parchment looked ancient and the image was doubtless authentic.

My host looked at his feet, and said in halting Syriac- ‘I wish to present this to you.  For no cost.  And you must never reveal that it was I who gave it to you.  Take it.  Take it home and show it to your friends and have them verify its authenticity.  Place it in a lab (owned by your esteemed institution) and see to it that they too authenticate it.  And if anyone questions it, simply tell them that they are scoffers scoffing and ignore them’.

But, I had to ask- where did this come from, how did you come to have it?  My guide shook his head and said that he could not reveal his trustworthy source just down the street in a chinese owned knock off shop which specialized in churning out papyrus fragments to unsuspecting and gullible souls who can’t tell the difference between an ancient piece of papyrus from a modern piece of cardboard.

So, returning home, I followed his advice.  A friend from Canada urged me as well to call a press conference not at some random date but at either Easter or Christmas, when the appetite for such things were at a peak.  Having done so I discovered that I had achieved a fame unknown to those lesser colleagues who foolishly labor unstintingly questing for the truth.

Naturally questions have been raised- but I have ignored them, deciding instead to stand my ground like Trayvon Martin.  Cleverly, I decided to urge my esteemed University to use one of its journals, The Scarvard Review of Theological Stuff and Puff, to dedicate an entire issue to the portrait / mugshot just the week before Easter, 2014.

And now, for the first time in human history, from an unprovenanced but completely reliable source, I give to you the mugshot of Jesus, on papyrus, inscribed by stylus using ancient iron ink:

uhoh

Remarkably, the color of the ink has remained intact.  We learn, without question, that Jesus was about 5’10, and had golden hair and amber eyes and a goatee/ soul patch.  Further tests will be performed on this amazing and earth shattering find.  In due course (which means, right before Christmas and then again right before Easter).

Amazing!  I want to thank Prof. Fling for permission to reproduce her remarks and the amazing, amazing discovery.