Zwinglius Redivivus

How To Get Lots of People Into Your Church, and Raise a Lot of Money Too!

Here’s a step by step guide to getting a LOT of people to come to your ‘church’ –  It’s guaranteed to succeed.

1- Gut the sanctuary and turn it into a basketball court.
2- Cancel your services of worship and schedule basketball games every night of the week.
3- Charge $5 per person and call each game a ‘tournament game’.
4- Sell soda pop for $2 for each 12 ounce bottle.
5- Sell popcorn for $1 a small bag.
6- Make sure you have uncomfortable, hard, plastic benches with no back support squeezed tightly together.
7- Insist that people come and go as they please without regard for others.
8- Provide very loud music over inadequate speakers during game interludes.

These methods have proven immensely successful and have managed to keep people OUT of church with great aplomb for years now. They will certainly also work in getting people in ‘church’ (though of course it will no longer be a church, but you can at least have a full house and you can count everyone and brag at the local Pastor’s Conference that you have huge attendance and massive offerings).

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Written by Jim

March 4, 2011 at 07:01

Posted in Modern Culture, sarcasm

4 Responses

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  1. if it takes a hot dog to get someone into church, all it takes is two to get them out.

    Joel

    March 4, 2011 at 07:05

    • so true, so true. but people follow the wieners.

      Jim

      March 4, 2011 at 07:30

  2. I am coming to Petros for ‘that’ basket ball game. And I sure want a hot dog and soda pop. Thanks Jim for introducing this revolutionary church marketing strategy! One more question….can I bring my pet cat too for a hot dog?

    michael acidri

    March 4, 2011 at 07:54

  3. I want the coffee concession. I’ll use “Community” coffee, Joel’s favorite brand. That will get his family into Jim’s church. I’ll offer discounts for clergy, that will get Jim into church, and some of the other local clergy. I’ll clean up.

    Doug

    March 4, 2011 at 08:24


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